If I Hadn't Found Jesus, I'd Feel Pretty Shitty About My Crimes

[awoke_in_2003]

Oh, Onion, how do you keep consistently hitting home runs?
http://www.theonion.com/articles/if-i-hadnt-found-jesus-id-feel-pretty-shitty-about%2C17883/

It was a stroke of unbelievable luck. Here I thought I'd spend the rest of my life agonizing over that night I broke into a random house and methodically tortured all five of its residents, but Jesus was like, "Nah, you're good." He took all those years I expected to wallow in suffocating guilt for having forced a mother to choose the order in which I strangled her children and wiped them away in a jiff.

Which is ironic because the family I murdered in cold blood was praying to Jesus like crazy the whole time.

[Angry Dragon]

1. unrec

I understand the point, but find this post in poor taste

[laconicsax]

2. Is it poor taste because it actually happens?

:shrug:

[Angry Dragon]

6. All I was trying to say was

that I felt a different example could have been used instead of murder of a family.......

That is what I found in poor taste

[laconicsax]

15. Would it have been better had it been rape?

Would you care to name a more tasteful crime that would still make effective satire.

"Man feels better after Jesus forgives his drunk driving."
"Man feels better after Jesus forgives his embezzlement."
"Man feels better after Jesus forgives his arsony."

They don't seem to make an effective point.

[glitch]

19. Not to pile on, but how about starting for profit wars where families murdered, raped, looting runs

rampant and still claim to be a born-again Christian? That's who the Onion is pilloring, well-deservedly.



http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Photographic_manipulation
James Donahue, in his article Herding the Sheep: Using Images Of Bush To Manipulate The Minds Of Voters, asks "Have you noticed the halos and orbs around the head of President George W. Bush in recent press pictures? ... You probably haven't because things like that are designed to be seen by the subconscious mind. And genius Karl Rove, the guy whose job is to make our president look good all of the time, knows just what buttons to push to keep his man in the White House."

"One of the more sickening tricks, and most obvious," he writes, "are the pictures emanating from the president's public relations office. Some of them are portrayed on this page for the readers to inspect. If you look at them closely, you realize that they are not accidental. They are staged and Mr. Bush is posing for them."

As he mentions, Donahue's article is accompanied by three photographs of Bush. Heading the article is one where the Great Seal of the United States appears as a golden halo encircling the President's head while he orates from the podium. The second, in the lower right-hand corner of the article, shows Bush with head bowed (in prayer?) and glowing in a fuzzy bright golden halo against a solid dark background.

[unblock]

3. more like an unintended consequence, at best, but there's a lot of that in all religions

comes with the territory. religion offers many powerful ways to guide people down the right path, but also it permits those on the wrong path to pervert its intent.

christianity offers forgiveness for sins, which is of great appeal for those who have committed the worst of sins. it's intended to let people square their lives, put their past in perspective, and start anew without being tormented by demons. but it certainly can be (ab)used to let people simply dispense with a lifetime of sin and blithely move on.


consider the lifelong atheist who announces a belief in god and jesus on his deathbed just in case heaven exists after all. this is an abuse of the concept, but it's actually been used as a selling point. many have argued for belief "just in case", most notably pascal's wager.


judaism, by contrast, doesn't permit forginess from god. you have to seek forgiveness from the ones you harmed. kinda hard to do if you killed them. there are obviously downsides to this approach, but the onion story reasonably explores the downside or unintended consequence of the christian approach.

[lolly]

11. They're erasing the difference btw heavenly and earthly punishment

I'm going to suggest that one way to tell a serious, conscientious Christian from a "get out of guilt free" "Christian" is the recognition that heavenly forgiveness does not equal lack of earthly punishment for crimes.

If/when a convict asks for early release because he's "found G-d," that's a perversion of what finding G-d means. If you have found G-d, you should be willing, even eager to accept punishment for your crimes on earth, knowing that you will be forgiven in Heaven, which is supposed to be all that really matters.

[unblock]

12. but that's a common (mis)interpretation

many christians do feel that the entry requirement for heaven is simply acceptance of jesus and therefore they are not bothered at all by their past sins. they feel no need to "feel pretty shitty" about what they did because they know they will be by god's side in heaven soon enough.

i agree that this glosses over the question of earthly punishment, but part of the point of this aspect of christianity *is* that sinners can find comfort in the notion that god still loves them and that all will be forgiven and they can yet find a heavenly reward.

should they continue to "feel pretty shitty" about what their past sins and crimes? sure, they need to make amends and/or do their time, as part of their earthly punishment. but part of that should be their own conscience telling them to feel bad about what they did. and the christian concept of forgiveness is, at least somewhat, at odds with that.

[lolly]

13. The point is, I think

G-d still loves you, under this scenario, but that doesn't mean he wants you to escape punishment. Willingness to accept punishment is one sign that you have accepted the heavenly over the earthly. It's not a get out of jail free card. Unwillingness to accept consequences suggests that you DON'T have faith in a final reward, and therefore aren't going to get it.

Supposedly, G-d knows all that's in your heart--if you're professing Christianity without true belief, then you don't get the whole forgiveness thing.

[DeSwiss]

28. Luke 23:39-43

And one of the malefactors which were hanged railed on him, saying, If thou be Christ, save thyself and us.
But the other answering rebuked him, saying, Dost not thou fear God, seeing thou art in the same condemnation?
And we indeed justly; for we receive the due reward of our deeds: but this man hath done nothing amiss.
And he said unto Jesus, Lord, remember me when thou comest into thy kingdom.
And Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, To day shalt thou be with me in paradise.

:shrug: - That's all the book says you've got to do.....

[immoderate]

32. Each has his or her interpretation.

To say that a certain reading is more valid than another appears, to me, to be silly.

--imm

[laconicsax]

16. How can earthly punishment compare to eternal paradise?

The expression, "best for them to suffer now so that they may spend an eternity in Heaven" is used in various forms to excuse cruelty, poverty, misery, and all those other lovely things that the 'eternal bliss' of Heaven is supposed to make better.

If Heaven is supposed to be worth the suffering of life, than what difference does it make if you spend time in prison? How can 20 years of imprisonment diminish an eternity in paradise.

[donheld]

7. Recommend just for you

[DeSwiss]

27. In poor taste? Hmmm, maybe.....

...but I'd say "true to life" would be a better description.......

http://www.irishcentral.com/news/Gerry-Adams-finds-Jesus-in-the-Holy-Land--84335747.html">Gerry Adams finds Jesus in the Holy Land

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westley_Allan_Dodd#Arrest_and_trials">Westley Allan Dodd (July 3, 1961 – January 5, 1993) was a convicted American serial killer, child molester and paedophile.

http://www.breadsite.org/testimonies/in200203.htm">Jesus Loves You -- Murderer finds God's forgiveness and love.

http://www.nashvillescene.com/nashville/a-grieving-son-finds-no-justice-on-rev-maury-davis-path-to-redemption/Content?oid=1201523">A grieving son finds no justice on Rev. Maury Davis' path to redemption



K&R

[bahrbearian]

4. "Had I known that sooner, I would've killed way more people'

[Control-Z]

5. K&R n/t

[CoffeeCat]

8. I love this...

...because I personally know people who have committed atrocities, and they sleep very
well at night--because they have been to confession and were "absolved of their
sins."

I really wish there was an after life, because if their heaven and hell truly did exist,
they would definitely be shoveling coal for eternity. It's a crime. So many people use religion
to rationalize their evil and to remain in denial about just how much suffering they
have caused. They don't care.

Jesus forgives them and they are heaven bound--with the Lord's blessing!

It's a shame that truly evil people have religion to help them minimize the bad things
they have done.

[msongs]

9. lol that happened to entire cities in the bible nt

[LAGC]

10. There are LOTS of "born-again" types on Death Row.

Sure is cool how you can commit a heinous crime and be forgiven for it, after the fact.

That has to be soothing to the soul.

[dimbear]

14. The OP recalls to mind Emperor Constantine, who

most certainly was what we now call a serial killer. Over time he erased nearly his entire family, beside many of his subjects, so that the Empire at his death went over to a nephew. A pagan nephew, Julian. Constantine's crimes include boiling his wife alive, which showed a certain manque de delicatesse.

He used the then popular strategem of waiting until very late in life to be baptized, erasing his sins.

That is why he is known today as Saint Constantine.

[DeSwiss]

29. "...waiting until very late in life..."

How about "on his deathbed?"

:)

[Fly by night]

17. I thought this was about Maury Davis, pastor of Nashville's Cornerstone Church, ...

... who nearly decapitated a Sunday School teacher in a meth-fueled rage as a youthful indiscretion and now collects $millions$ from his sheeple for his denomination (the Rethugligan Party) while holding forth on the teachings of Jeebus in a mega-church that has an obscenely large US flag out front ... but no crucifix in sight.

http://www.nashvillescene.com/pitw/archives/2010/08/11/pastor-maury-davis-appears-on-huckabees-fox-news-show-fumbles-with-truth

Goddess, I hope there is a special room in the Xtian hell to barbeque these hypocrites.
And I hope their victims get to do the basting with napalm.

Peace out.

[BrklynLiberal]

18. Wow...just WOW!

:wow:

[glitch]

20. Yikes. Who needs the Onion when reality acts like this? nt

[Canuckistanian]

25. Wow

This guy committed a crime as bad as Karla Faye Tucker. SHE preached the "Jesus Saves" BS, too, but ended up executed.

How did he get away with it?

[Fly by night]

26. Karla Faye didn't belong to the "right" denomination (the Rethugligan party)

[Canuckistanian]

30. Ah

That explains things.

Also, too, she was a woman in George Bush's Texas govt. And therefore worth less than "ordinary" male WASPs.

[Lorien]

21. This isn't fiction. My father was a psychologist at a State prison for many years

He said that when some prisoners showed a complete lack of remorse for their crimes he would question them directly about it. The answer he got most often was "It don't matter now. It's all in the hands of Jesus."

[laconicsax]

34. Didn't you read response #1? Mentioning that is in poor taste.

I suppose no one should ever speak of ill things.

[pleah]

22. K&R

[GeorgeGist]

23. As every good christian knows ...

Jesus can't bless you if you haven't sinned.

[Kablooie]

24. This has just been posted on the rapture ready site under evangelism.

[brewens]

31. I once pointed out to a Christian friend of mine how convenient

their beliefs are to ruling class scumbags. On one hand they can kill and plunder and they and the people doing their dirty work are forgiven. The people on the other end are taught that it's ok to live like shit and suffer because after you die, everything will be wonderful forever.
If I was an evil ruler that's exactly the kind of religion I'd want to invent and force on people.

[bertman]

33. That "You are forgiven of ALL of your sins by believing in Jesus" has to be the

absolutely most brilliant marketing idea of all times. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.

Rec. You got to LOVE the Onion.