How to Make Your Own Bible
Making your own Bible can not only be satisfying; it can guarantee your entry ticket into heaven or whatever afterlife you create! Follow these simple steps to make your own physical manifestation of your deity’s (deities’) words.
Rule One: Paradoxes
The only way your Bible can be successful is if it cannot be disproved. The only way to make sure this can’t happen is to build a few logical dead ends. By suggesting that your god is always right, you get people pointing at platypuses and suicide bombers. You should instead say that your god is always going to test his people including the part where he is always going to test his people. Have your god always answer questions with a question.
If all that fails, make the starting entry of your Bible be the following, indisputable statement: “First!”
Rule Two: Make Up Rules
No Bible is complete without a list of rules that cannot be broken under penalty of crappy afterlife. The wackier the rule, the more that people will believe that there is some heavenly inspiration for it.
Thou shalt not prance
Thou shalt not eat cheese with a fork
Thou shalt not wear of metal the hat unless in battle for your Lord
Eat only of the left hand
Bury thy dead with a magazine of your choosing
Thou shall not recycle brown glass
Thou shalt turn left three times after passing thy gas
Thou shall lean backwards while showering to show thine glory of thine breasts heavenward
If you are having trouble thinking of rules, just think of the things you really like to do and forbid people from doing them.
More:
http://www.holyjuan.com/2009/10/how-to-make-your-own-bible.htmlHat-tip to:
http://twitter.com/Alscotts/status/5372150458
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