If programming languages were religions

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

http://www.aegisub.net/2008/12/if-programming-languages-were-religions.html

C would be Judaism - it's old and restrictive, but most of the world is familiar with its laws and respects them. The catch is, you can't convert into it - you're either into it from the start, or you will think that it's insanity. Also, when things go wrong, many people are willing to blame the problems of the world on it.

Java would be Fundamentalist Christianity - it's theoretically based on C, but it voids so many of the old laws that it doesn't feel like the original at all. Instead, it adds its own set of rigid rules, which its followers believe to be far superior to the original. Not only are they certain that it's the best language in the world, but they're willing to burn those who disagree at the stake.

PHP would be Cafeteria Christianity - Fights with Java for the web market. It draws a few concepts from C and Java, but only those that it really likes. Maybe it's not as coherent as other languages, but at least it leaves you with much more freedom and ostensibly keeps the core idea of the whole thing. Also, the whole concept of "goto hell" was abandoned.

C++ would be Islam - It takes C and not only keeps all its laws, but adds a very complex new set of laws on top of it. It's so versatile that it can be used to be the foundation of anything, from great atrocities to beautiful works of art. Its followers are convinced that it is the ultimate universal language, and may be angered by those who disagree. Also, if you insult it or its founder, you'll probably be threatened with death by more radical followers.

More religions at link.

(BTW, I'm Jewish.)

[enki23]

1. Apparently, I'm a mostly-recovered voodoo acolyte

.

[Believing Is Art]

2. Hey, where's Fortran? nt

[muriel_volestrangler]

19. Zoroastrianism, perhaps?

Started quite a long time ago, compared with most of the others mentioned, and kept alive by a diminishing band of devotees. Other more recent languages are more derivative of it than they'd like to admit. Pretty simple at first, but people kept on adding bells and whistles to it to try to make it as attractive as newer languages.

And I'll agree with these 2 from the comments:

"Machine Language is Animism - the belief that ultimately everything is made out of bits and on some level can be thought of as an executable.

Assembly Language is Shamanism - the idea that we can use symbols to more easily communicate with the binary world. Also that we can change the visible world by journying into the hidden realm by the use of debuggers.

- MrX_TLO"

[Meshuga]

20. Perhaps COBOL is more like Zoroastrianism? Almost extinct. n/t

[muriel_volestrangler]

21. COBOL's already there, as ancient paganism

However, COBOL still supports a frightening number of basic financial applications, and if it disappeared, so would the world's financial system - somehow I feel it deserves something slightly more visible. The same may be said of PL/I and its derivatives, but I've run out of religions to assign one to it - maybe "superstition"?

[TechBear_Seattle]

3. God wrote in LISP, you know

The Eternal Flame
Bob Kanefsky
Filk of God Lives On Terra by Julia Ecklar
Sung by Julia Ecklar on the album "Roundworm"

I was taught assembler in my second year of school.
It’s kinda like construction work — with a toothpick for a tool.
So when I made my senior year, I threw my code away,
And learned the way to program that I still prefer today.

Now, some folks on the Internet put their faith in C++.
They swear that it’s so powerful, it’s what God used for us.
And maybe it lets mortals dredge their objects from the C.
But I think that explains why only God can make a tree.

For God wrote in Lisp code
When he filled the leaves with green.
The fractal flowers and recursive roots:
The most lovely hack I’ve seen.
And when I ponder snowflakes, never finding two the same,
I know God likes a language with its own four-letter name.

Now, I’ve used a SUN under Unix, so I’ve seen what C can hold.
I’ve surfed for Perls, found what Fortran’s for,
Got that Java stuff down cold.
Though the chance that I’d write COBOL code
is a SNOBOL’s chance in Hell.
And I basically hate hieroglyphs, so I won’t use APL.

Now, God must know all these languages, and a few I haven’t named.
But the Lord made sure, when each sparrow falls,
that its flesh will be reclaimed.
And the Lord could not count grains of sand with a 32-bit word.
Who knows where we would go to if Lisp weren’t what he preferred?

And God wrote in Lisp code
Every creature great and small.
Don’t search the disk drive for man.c,
When the listing’s on the wall.
And when I watch the lightning
Burn unbelievers to a crisp,
I know God had six days to work,
So he wrote it all in Lisp.

Yes, God had a deadline.
So he wrote it all in Lisp.

[moggie]

4. Apparently, I'm all over the place

That's where the analogy breaks down. I've used five of those languages just in the past month! Sure, there are people who treat their favourite language as a religion, but most of us don't.

[harun]

5. Good read thanks for posting

I see the article says Perl would be voodoo but I differ.

I would say Perl would be Strip Mall Christianity, it provides lots of tools to let you easily do whatever you want. You'll feel good about it and continue to use it, but most people won't understand it.

(BTW, I'm Muslim)

[HillWilliam]

8. I call Perl "Write-Only Code"

it's easy to whup-up a ditty to solve a problem and have it done right away, working in like no time. Go back six month later and try to read it.

Yeah.

:wtf: was I thinking when I wrote this??? I know it works, but like, HOW???

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

Try "object-oriented" Perl.

The horror, the horror. :cry:

[harun]

17. Yep, I use it to write my own tools for things at work. A lot of

effort and experience is required to write it so it is usable by other people. If you have been using Perl a long time and know all the elite tricks, it will leave the code completely unreadable to someone new to Perl.

[HillWilliam]

18. My problem is I don't write it enough

to remain l33t in Perl. Sorta like my Aramaic, which fell by the wayside from lack of employment many years ago. Both are great examples of "use it or lose it" languages. I can still get through Perl in a pinch (I've loads of procedures laying around that "just work" day in and day out -- why change them?). Aramaic? Not so much. That's what BibleGateway.com and BlueLetterBible are for. Let someone else schvitz over the translations :)

[Nederland]

6. Heretic!

Java is the one true way and you will burn for your profanity! Multiple inheritance is the root of all evil! Garbage collection is next to cleanliness which is next to godliness. Blah, blah, blah.

:)

(BTW, I'm a recovering Fundy and a Java programmer)

[HillWilliam]

7. Hm. I've lived everywhere

but Lisp and Lua, and still can't take Ruby seriously. I'm made to work in VB at work (it's messy and promotes bad practice) but I use a lot of PHP for my own stuff. (Admittedly, PHP can also be misused, made messy, and can promote bad practice. Not everyone is as prissy about clean, neat, organized, efficient code as I am, but I've been programming for 30mumble years. It's humbling to maintain one's own work years later.)

Pretty much says the same for my take on organized religion. I've got great faith, not much use for someone telling me how I should shape it. That's twixt me and Whatever's Beyond me.

Good thread, and fun. Thanks for posting!

[chaplainM]

9. Only ONE programming language is mentioned in the Bible

Genesis 3:24
After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and _FORTH_ to guard the way to the tree of life.

[TechBear_Seattle]

12. Ah, but what was used to code the Bible? n/t

[Dogmudgeon]

13. Actually, where the word "gehimnon" is used ...

... it is traditionally translated as "Hell" or "Gehenna", but it really means "Haskell".

--p!

[HillWilliam]

14. Amazingly, it still lives

I used Forth a lot about 30mumble years ago on Trash80s. Then again, I was still poking holes in cards and tape, if that tells you anything :P

He who Hollerith loudest, getteth the most attention.

Perhaps in was fitting that George Watson was buried 9-edge down, print-side facing.

[Meshuga]

10. That was great!

Thanks for the post! I am passing it along. :-)

[Dogmudgeon]

11. Python, then, is Scientology

Both have a dictator (in Pythonia, a BDFL or "Benevolent Dictator for Life") who built the movement based on his charisma, and draw from subcultures beloved of nerds (sci-fi and MPFC). The language and religion each aspire to be all-embracing and able to solve all problems in their respective domains.

They also have crazy-ass celebrity appeal. (John Travolta and Tom Cruise; Google's Peter Norvig and Eric S. Raymond -- all of whom I admire and fear. But mainly fear.)

And they are evangelical. Very.

There is even an analogue to the dreaded RPF in Python: Visual Basic.

--p!
The CV of P: Yale (original K&K) Basic, Focal, dBaseIII+, Visual Basic, FreeBasic, Python, BASH, and a little C. And http://www.lojban.org">Lojban. But, sorry, no Scientology.

[anigbrowl]

22. One key difference: Python is free

[ret5hd]

15. Would Perl be UU?

[moggie]

16. INTERCAL would be Church of FSM n/t