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Diebold and ES&S Issue Joint Statement Rescinding Blackwell’s Retirement Fund
Washington, DC -- April 1, 2005 - Ohio Secretary of State, Kenneth Blackwell made a stunning admission of complicity in election fraud on Wednesday, March 31, 2005 setting off the beginning of a potential Constitutional Crisis for the third time in just five years. The presidential election of 2000 resulted in a lengthy media circus cut short by the appointment of George W. Bush to the presidency by the U.S. Supreme Court. The second crisis of January 6, 2005 was narrowly averted by sheer apathy and ignorance as there was not a media circus, but a media blackout.
At the press conference following his late night confession at Byrne’s Pub in Columbus, Ohio, Mr. Blackwell tearfully took full responsibility for the widespread voter suppression that disenfranchised countless minority and lower income voters. “I can’t believe I betrayed my brothers and sisters in such a shameless manner. Please forgive me for making you stand out in the freezing rain for hours and hours. I never should have sent those extra machines over to Upper Arlington. My bad! Oh, and those voter roll purges, direct mail pieces that sent you to the wrong polling place, rejected registration cards on flimsy paper and provisional ballots because of using 2000 voter rolls…those were pretty crappy things I did too.”
Diebold, ES&S, the Republican National Committee and Bush/Cheney 2004 immediately convened a meeting at an undisclosed location to discuss the ramifications to their companies and organizations. Diebold, already irritated with Mr. Blackwell for failing to secure the contracts to place their paperless touchscreen voting machines in all 88 Ohio counties, issued the strongest statement condemning Blackwell’s traitorous statements.
A Diebold spokesman said, “O’Dell said we were committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year, clearly we banked on the wrong guy. Literally. We’re immediately halting all payments to his gubernatorial campaign and closing the account in Grand Cayman.” The spokesman’s brother speaking for ES&S added, “Yeah, what he said.”
Despite Mr. Blackwell’s assertions that he had nothing to do with the homeland security lockdown during Warren County’s vote count he did comment, “Damn, that was a good one. If I’d thought of it sooner we could have had that going on all over the state!” Mr. Blackwell also denies any knowledge of why the exit polls deviate from the election results outside of a reasonable margin of error and why voter turnout in one county was over 100%. Mr. Blackwell responded to these questions with a shrug, “What can I say? I suck at math.”
President Bush issued a brief comment from his ranch in Crawford, TX. “I am shocked and awed that Ken Blackwell approved of my leadership so much that he would go to such….what’s the word?…um, yeah, lengths…to make sure I was reappointed, I mean re-elected. The Bible says something about loving your friends as much as you hate your enemies, boy howdy that man was a true friend.” Glancing over at Alberto “Torturoo” Gonzalez who was slowly shaking his head, Bush added, “Of course treason is punishable by the death penalty. I hope Blackwell’s got good life insurance. I hear Diebold and ES&S are about to cut him off.” Aids quickly ushered Bush out of the room.
The Republican National Committee has announced they will host a press conference in Barrow, AK on April 15, 2005 and welcomes all media outlets to attend.
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