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Background: I have a friend (and yes, I'm sure we'll be friendly again someday -- this guy is married to my best friend of twenty years) who supports the Evil One. We have been going back and forth with e-mails that have me (stupidly!) presenting facts, evidence and 54 different credible sources, while he was pretending to get into a lather when I used "its hard to prove a negative -- when did you stop beating your wife, Brian?" and doing the *cough* "CBS FORGED DOCUMENTS" to discount data. I finally have had enough, and this is what I sent to him. Enjoy!
SUBJECT: I'm Convinced. By the way, have you ever considered...
...the potential investment opportunities available in the purchase of a well traveled bridge? I happen to own one -- not a big one, mind -- but a nice, reasonable, easy to maintain, PROFITABLE bridge. I painted it orange, but everyone calls it Golden. Lots of people use it, so you can charge tolls and make LOTS of money. I would keep it myself, but I just get SO BUSY I rarely have time to take care of it the way I want, and then there is all that money, and after a while, you just get bored with collecting it. So, how about I SELL IT TO YOU at a very reasonable price? What do you say?
I'm willing to offer it TO YOU at a very LOW price, Brian, because anyone GULLIBLE enough to believe that a decorated Navy war veteran who pissed off Nixon thirty-five years ago, worked as a prosecutor and assistant district attorney, and served twenty years in the United States Senate is a "traitorous treasonous commie sympathizer" and just managed to what -- FOOL EVERYONE FOR THE LAST THIRTY-FIVE YEARS??? -- is probably DUMB ENOUGH to fall for that LINE OF SHIT, too!
WOW. The twisting path your brain has to take to ignore common sense (no one came forward because they didn't notice he was a UNITED STATES SENATOR???) so YOU can gleefully PARTICIPATE in a BLATANT SMEAR CAMPAIGN just boggles my brain. Nixon or the Navy could have tossed his butt IN JAIL 35 years ago if he really had done something wrong, but they didn't because ... Oh, he was able to keep his televised Congressional testimony a secret from all but a few people, who in fear of (something) NEVER CAME FORWARD UNTIL --- UNTIL NOW!!! (Cue dramatic music!)
Gullible. There really is no other word for it. So, I'm giving up on you. You've convinced me there is no way "reality" is going to interfere with you having made up your mind, so I think you really need to stay a Bush supporter, because you DEFINITELY have a lot more in common with him than you do the rest of us. (Hey, not EVERYBODY can be "above average".) And, just so you know how you managed to convince me, I want you to know there were two other things you said that CONVINCED ME its not worth my time to talk with you about this anymore.
I know you haven't graduated from college yet, and high school was a long time ago, so you probably aren't aware or don't remember that putting quote marks around PARAPHRASES is not "deliberately misleading someone about a source" (that's another paraphrase of your comments), but actually PROPER PUNCTUATION. Your ignorance of this basic rule makes it extremely difficult to communicate with you, since your assumption is that * I * am LYING to you (instead of you just being an ignorant fuckhead -- yes, that's a personal insult, with the added benefit of being true).
Lastly, and frankly, more important to me, was your absolutely CLINTONESQUE argument about the meaning of IS: What IS body armor? Technically, YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT -- a "flak jacket" in some circles, is probably considered to be "body armor." But the type of man who can read these two sentences:
"Most national guard troops and reservists deployed in Iraq have been sent with only Vietnam-era flak jackets that are much less effective in stopping shrapnel and bullets.
"The army's new Interceptor vests are lighter, and their ceramic plates can stop bullets from high-velocity assault rifles at short range, as well as bomb shrapnel."
and walk away from it with "it was just an upgrade!" while ignoring the life and death consequences of the distinction for real people in combat IS NOT someone I want people to think of as a Kerry supporter.
So you can comfort yourself, Brian, that I am indeed a Liberal, and I'm sure you can explain to yourself how I have sunk into the pits of personal attack. Technically, you are going to be right. I think you are definitely an ignorant, gullible, self-righteous fuckhead, and I think YOU should definitely cast your vote for Bush.
I want to thank you for opening my eyes to something: some people, no matter how much reality hits them, will always want to play at being stupid. Yes, I'm putting you in that category; blah, blah, Liberal insult, whatever. You took a discussion about ISSUES, and started trying to play "tweek Ida into an insulted frenzy" which is something only a real Jerk who couldn't stand beside his issues with pride could do. Guess it was too hard, hmm? I gave you over fifty CREDIBLE sources, while you sent me to a website that took the art of "out of context" into new levels, and an interview with Bob Dole that he publicly retracted two days later. I'm supposed to have an intellectual discussion about FACTS with someone as poorly informed AS YOU? Give me a break!
And more importantly, you thought * I * was stupid enough not to notice the insults and slams. Like I wasn't going to notice you having "pretend outrage" over beating Karen. Give me a break! It was right up there with the "subtlety" you displayed in comparing MY veracity to that of CBS. I guess that means I won the debate, because once you couldn't answer it back with anything except "it depends on the meaning of IS and by the way I'm going to compare YOU with CBS" (paraphrase again!), it really proved you had NOTHING to back your case with except wishful thinking.
Oh, and I knew you were a Hannity fan because Karen told me, while you referencing him confirmed it. Just one more example of how I get my information from multiple sources, and put the pieces together to form COHERENT thoughts. You should try it some time. Of course, that might make it harder to support Bush, so better not try it until AFTER the election, please.
Like I said, I officially want you to tell EVERYONE that you back Bush, and I want you to explain it to them with the same skill you explained it to me. In fact, I might even pick you up a gift to help you convert the Undecided: there's a t-shirt with "Ignorant In-Bred Pig Fucking Farmers for Bush" that really seems appropriate. (Its got a picture of a real pig on it, so don't pretend I'm referencing anything other than a real farm animal here since we all know how you love to take things out of context.)
Oh, and until you pick up the phone and apologize for some of those not so subtle insults, I'm not going to be reading anymore of your e-mails. You stepped over the line when you called me a liar, you ignorant asshole, and if I thought you were worth it, I'd probably be pissed, but since you are not, I'm just going to consider the source, and get over it. In fact, you've really helped me clarify my own position: when a guy like YOU doesn't like Kerry, he's DEFINITELY doing SOMETHING right!
Thanks, Brian. Now go Cheney yourself.
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