A Resume for George W. Bush (with bonus thought about the primaries)

[phantom power]

A lot of people have probably seen this already. But I was thinking:

a) Everything on this "resume" is true

b) This is the resume of the man who, with the help of the GOP campaign machine and the MSM, managed to beat both Al Gore (future Nobel winner) and John Kerry (actual decorated war veteran)

c) I dearly hope that both Clinton and Obama are thinking very very hard about (a) and (b), because this is the machine the winner is going to be up against in a few months.

RESUME

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520


EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:

Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for
driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty,
paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for
30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and
is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I
refused to take a drug test or answer any questions
about my drug use.
By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able
to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average.
I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost.

I began my career in the oil business in Midland
Texas , in 1975. I bought an oil company, but
couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went
bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a
sweetheart deal that took land using t axpayer money.

With the help of my father and our friends in the oil
industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was
elected governor of Texas.


ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:

I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil
companies, making Texas the most polluted state in
the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los
Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the
tune of billions in borrowed money.

I set the record for the most executions by any
governor in American history.

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida ,
and my
father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became
President of the United States,after losing by over
500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:

I am the first President in U.S. history to enter
office with a criminal record.

I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing
cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted
the U.S. Treasury.

I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit
in U.S. history.

I set an economic record for most private
bankruptcies filed in
any 12-month period.

I se t the all-time record for most foreclosures in a
12-month period.

I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the
history of the U.S. stock market. In my first year in
office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and
that trend continues.

I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the
richest of any administration in U.S. history. My
"poorest millionaire," Condoleezza Rice, has a
Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fund-raising trips
by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world
record -holder for receiving the most corporate
campaign donations.

My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay,
presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. history, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate
attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during
my election decision.

I have protected my friends at Enron and
Halliburton against investigation or prosecution.

More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair
than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history.

I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene
when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed.

I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be
awarded government contracts.

I appointed more convicted criminals to my administration than any President in U.S. history.

I created the Ministry of Homeland Security, the largest bureaucracy in the
history of the United States Government.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history.

I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove
the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission.

I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law.

I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisone rs of war" detainees
and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention.

I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election
inspectors (during the 2002 US election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any
President since the advent of television.

I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period.

After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst
security failure in U.S. history.

I garnered the most sympathy ever for the U.S. after the World Trade Center
attacks and less than a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in
the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously
protest me in public venues (15 million pe ople), shattering the record for
protests against any person in the history of mankind.

I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive
attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against
the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. Citizens and the world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and support a cut in duty benefits for
active duty troops and their families in wartime.

In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq
and then blamed the lies on our British friends.

I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%)
view my presidency as the biggest threat to world p eace and security.

I am supporting development of a nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a WMD.

I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:

All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library,
sealed and unavailable for public view.

All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt
companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.

All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice President, attended
regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
I specified that my sealed documents will not be available for 50 years.