Hate Mail... Boy, Do I Get Hate Mail

[Bob Geiger]

Well, it's Friday, which means it's time to look in the old DU mailbag and see what conservative Nobel Laureate or general nutcase tries to give me my comeuppance this week.

And, man, just try talking about giving people something resembling a living wage -- see the recent minimum wage debates in the Congress -- and watch how it really sets the right-wingers on fire.

Here's Mitch Slobonic of Shawnee, OK, who writes:

Dear Idiot,

What is it abot <sic> you left wengers <sic> that makes you think that the goverment <sic> should be telling busnesses <sic> how much to pay people? People should rise and fall based on there <sic> own merets <sic> and not on some liberal pukes getting them a salery <sic> thats <sic> higher then they should recieve <sic>.

Why don't you and all you're <sic> liberal friends move to the USSR?

To which I reply:

Dear Mitch;

I have some news for you. The Soviet Union was dissolved in 1991. The smarter Bush is no longer president and this isn't still the original Gulf War we're involved in now.

Got your bearings yet? Good.

After reading your e-mail, I decided to consult with a friend of mine who is a vocational counselor and ask him, based on your writing ability and your apparent intellect, what jobs your skills would allow you to pursue. Sadly, most of them are either volunteer roles in mental hospitals or other jobs with minimal, mental heavy lifting, like being a Wal-Mart greeter. But, based on what he read of your e-mail, he did say you appear qualified to perform the following jobs.

1. Sunblock attendant at 80-and-up nude beach
2. Pit Bull tickler
3. Oklahoma lethal-injection tester
4. Grammar coach for Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie
5. Personal groomer for Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert
6. Target changer at the 2006 NRA shoot-fest
7. Campaign manager for Florida Senatorial candidate Katherine Harris
8. Train track sweeper
9. Oklahoma Cowboy Hall of Fame spittoon emptier
10. Towel boy at the Congressional Republican pool


I wish you luck, Mitch. Despite the tone of your e-mail, I hope you find a job and associated salary that's commensurate with your education and innate brain power -- after all, I am a liberal.

Bob

* * * * *

Hey look, kids, it's our old friend Fred Fittin! Under the subject line "Impeachment!" Fred grapples with his limited vocabulary and, with his usual brevity, writes:

Bob.... You and the left-wing nutniks are living in a fool's paradise! Bush has as much of a chance of being impeached as you have of scoring higher than a 70 on an IQ test.....

Dear Fred;

Now, Freddie, I beg to differ. I bet I would get at least an 80, which puts me way ahead of all Republicans. Let's have a look at the outmoded IQ Classification scale, which psychologists retired because the phrases were demeaning to certain segments of the population. Here's how the old scale labeled people.

• IQ 70 - 80 "Borderline Deficiency"
  
• IQ 50 - 69 "Moron"
  
• IQ 20 - 49 "Imbecile"
  
• IQ 10 - 19 "Idiot"
  
• IQ 0 - 9 "Republican"
  
• IQ -1 - -10 "Bush Supporter"
  

As always, Fred, nice hearing from you. We really should have a beer if the nice orderlies ever bring you to New York City.

* * * * *

Tune in next time for another edition of the Friday Fruitcakes. And, for you hateful, self-loathing Republicans – keep those cards, letter and e-mails coming.

You can reach Bob Geiger at [e-mail].

[Whoa_Nelly]

1. Great replies!

Love the calm no-nonsense approach in answering the emails :D

[LTR]

2. What's a "nutnik"?

:shrug:

[meganmonkey]

4. You are!!!

}(

[LTR]

5. Oh yeah?

Well, I'm rubber and you're glue. Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!

Nyaaah nyaaah!

:evilgrin:

[racaulk]

3. Nice!

Thanks for the laughs! What a great way to start the weekend!

:rofl:

[smaug]

7. Great funny!

Bob,

thanks for the entertainment! I particularly enjoyed your first response; I believe that 'individual' is one of my so-called correspondents (based on the misspellings). At least, the little troll *thinks* he is a correspondent :D.

[The Deacon]

6. Oh, Boy!

How do I get Hate Mail? Do I have to start my own journal?

[sinkingfeeling]

8. Bob, have you ever seen Shawnee, OK? I doubt there is a resident

who makes over $5.15 an hour in the whole town!

[Ishoutandscream2]

9. I love your reply of Mitch's job qualifications, LOL.

I wonder what Mitch really does for a living, if anything.

[benEzra]

10. Is it unethical to engage in a battle of wits against an unarmed man?

LOL, good comebacks...