Why we are Republicans

[Bjorn Against]

We are Republicans because we believe that the children of America are been corrupted by the images they are shown in the liberal media every day of their lives. Our children have been exposed to Spongebob Squarepants, a show that sets out to convince children that they should be sexually attracted to gay asexual sea creatures.

We want to clean up the airwaves, instead of cheering for gay sponges we believe children should be cheering all the good news that is coming out of Iraq. We are constantly building new schools there. As soon as we bomb one we build another in its place. We are proud of our President, he killed tens of thousands of civilians and we cheered.

Those immoral liberals however just sit and blame America. Just because the American government slaughters children by dropping bombs on them doesn't mean that they are to blame.

We are the party of values. Just look at the people we are cutting services to the poor to give tax cuts to, they have an enormous net value. They are worth billions of dollars, the left just can't compete with those values.

We are the party of fiscal responsibility. Every fiscally responsible Americans know that the smart way to manage your money is to charge everything on a credit card while giving huge sums of money to giant corporations who are known price-gougers.

We are the party of small government. That is why we set up the NSA wiretapping program, so we can spy on every single American who supports big government.

We are the party of ideas. We had the idea of doing nothing about global warming until the science was complete. Because of our patience we have now discovered that global warming is a good thing, there is all kinds of new economic opportunity. Just think about it, in a few decades there will be all kinds of new oceanside property being built in Nevada.

Aren't you proud to be a Republican.

[InaneAnanity]

1. What the hell is this??

[SheilaT]

2. A Day in the Life of Joe Republican

"A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN"

Joe gets up at 6 a.m. and fills his coffeepot with water to prepare his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of water, he takes his daily medication. His medications are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to ensure their safety and that they work as advertised.

All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance - now Joe gets it too.

He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate the meat packing industry.

In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. His bottle is properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.

Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for the laws to stop industries from polluting our air.

He walks on the government-provided sidewalk to subway station for his government-subsidized ride to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and transportation fees because some fancy-pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a contributor.

Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay, medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards. Joe's employer pays these standards because Joe's employer doesn't want his employees to call the union.

If Joe is hurt on the job or becomes unemployed, he'll get a worker compensation or unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.

It is noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous bankers who ruined the banking system before the Great Depression.

Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime. Joe also forgets that his in addition to his federally subsidized student loans, he attended a state funded university.

Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening at his farm home in the country. He gets in his car for the drive. His car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating liberal fought for car safety standards to go along with the tax-payer funded roads.

He arrives at his boyhood home. His was the third generation to live in the house financed by Farmers' Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural loans.

The house didn't have electricity until some big-government liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification.

He is happy to see his father, who is now retired. His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.

Joe gets back in his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all, I'm a self-made man who believes everyone should take care of themselves, just like I have."

[Bjorn Against]

4. I love it n/t

[calimary]

5. I love it when somebody posts this. It SHOULD be posted here every

so often, because it's just simply EXCELLENT. A terrific reminder of the talking points that WE can use to punch holes in all those Dems-bad/republi-CONS good crapola arguments. Also, this is an utterly delicious item to send back to some of those nauseating email senders who send you those "I love a cowboy" hosannah to bush or "Clinton did this" nonsense or "Hillary did this" or "aren't you glad you have a president who..." bullshit. I've sent this myself, and have happily silenced a couple of those emailers - they haven't darkened my inbox any further with those mental enemas.

Thanks, SheilaT! You didn't just offer a post, you performed a public service.

[Kiouni]

3. i'm proud to be a republican

because i want my congressman to make every decision for me!

[OwnedByFerrets]

6. Well written satire.

or sarcasm....I sometimes cant tell the difference. :)

[Mountainman]

7. This is not so far from the truth. I talked to several repubs at work to

try and find out what makes them tick. I talked about the war and how they are voting against their own economic interest since they all were lower middle class and didn't get a real tax cut.

One guy's response was that the Democrats are the party that gives free food to people who don't want to work.

Another one blamed Dems for cuts in medicare reimbursements.


No matter how bad the repukes screw them, they hold onto myths about Dems as reasons to be a Repub. Go figure.