Ralph Reed is God’s alter boy – and we don’t mean that in a good way. Over the course of his professional career, he has represented everything bad associated with religion. Specifically, he’s unethical to the core of his being, and he uses the guise of religion to help mask or deflect criticism of his dirty and scandalous behavior. Being a swindler and a liar is bad enough, but to prey on people’s faith as your vehicle to do so is beyond the pale, to say the least.
Reed Explains To Supporters
How God Likes His Testicles Massaged Reed got his start early on, as a student at the University of Georgia (where, by the way, he took six years to graduate). He was a columnist for the student newspaper there, but was fired after being accused of plagiarism. Although it was proven that he was indeed guilty, Reed chose to attack his accuser rather than accept responsibility for his unethical behavior, calling the incident as “the most shocking, profane form of personal attack I can imagine”.
This strategy essentially set the pattern of his actions for the rest of his professional career:
Step 1: Do something extremely unethical that works to your advantage
Step 2: If you get caught, deny any wrongdoing! Smear the accuser!
Step 3: Hide behind God or Jesus (same guy, really), and make people think that the accuser is less ethical than you, thereby allowing you to begin again at Step 1.
Of course, if you don’t get caught being unethical, you just get to repeat Step 1 over and over again. Now that I think about it - this little playbook is also the one that's been used by the Republican party (with great success) for years. Did Reed invent it? Nobody knows, of course, but he certainly did perfect it.
Reed quickly found a refuge where his dirty tricks were welcome. He started out working for the University of Georgia College Republicans, where he was so effective that he rose to a position of prominence at the College Republican National Committee. His boss there was none other than Jack Abramoff. The two also hooked up with anti-tax party boy Grover Norquist. This partnership is has been in existence ever since then, as the three are currently under federal criminal investigation for money laundering (more on that later).
After being linked to an election rigging scandal with the College Republicans, Reed needed to find a new position where his special knack for cheating and dishonesty would be better appreciated. Luckily for him, his antics caught the eye of our favorite greasy televangelist Pat Robertson, who hired him as the first Executive Director of the Christian Coalition.
It was here where Ralph became a national political force. Because he looked like an attractive, all-American boy (like Richie Cunningham, only more effeminate), he was seen as the face of the Christian Right for years. He was well-spoken and looked great on television, especially when compared to the likes of the Pat Robertsons and Jerry Falwells of the world (both of whom are so repugnant that they likely couldn’t get laid in prison). Ralph used this position to disguise his completely unethical campaigning and money-raising techniques. He was often overheard as describing himself as “a guerilla fighter who traveled at night and put enemies in body bags” before they had even realized that he had struck – just the kind of guy Jesus would have loved.
Ralph enjoyed his tenure at the Christian Coalition from 1989 to 1997, until he resigned after his tactics had come under federal investigation with the Federal Elections Commission. Reed’s tactics were deemed to be in violation of federal campaign finance laws during the 1990, 1992, and 1994 congressional election cycles. Additionally, Reed was accused from within the Coalition for funneling extra cash to a golfing buddy of his by overpaying him for services performed. So to recap - Reed used money raised largely from elderly poor people (who just wanted to get to heaven) to illegally finance campaigns for Republicans, as well as to throw cash at his friends illegally. If God actually wore pants, he likely would have pissed them with rage.
Since his resignation, Reed has worked as a political consultant. He’s one of those high dollar mercenaries that every aspiring politician hires to map out a victory strategy. Reed’s dirty campaign tactics have won him repeat business in these circles, although his track record falls far short of the fees he commands. The candidates that he works for often win their primary races, but they have almost unanimously been crushed in the general election, largely because of the dirty nature of their primary races.
Starting in 1998, Reed expanded his consulting business to lobby for such commercial ethical pillars as Enron and Microsoft. He also lobbies on behalf of businesses who profit from open trade with China. He was initially put in contact with many of his clients through old buddy Jack Abramoff, who he asked to use his connections to “hump” (Reed’s term) for new business interests.
Like any sleazy fake man of God, Ralph has finally decided to take the leap and run for elected office. Does he want to be President? Well yes, but not in 2008. His plan is to become Lieutenant Governor of Georgia next year, then Governor on 2010, then President in 2012 or later. Sure he could choose to speed up that timeline in his lust for power, but we all know that these things take time. It’s not like the world was created in six days or anything, right?
Which leads us to his most recent ethical lapse. Ralph is currently using his lifelong opposition to legalized gambling as one of the major planks of his election platform. However, it seems that most of his anti-gambling lobbying efforts were paid for by Jack Abramoff, who financed Reed’s efforts from money he received to advocate for legalized gambling on behalf of several Native American tribes.
Here’s how it worked: tribes gave Abramoff millions of dollars to lobby state and local elected officials so that they could either open or continue operations for casinos. Abramoff then used large chunks of that money and gave it to Reed, who lobbied against casino gambling. This in turn made more money for Abramoff, as he had to extract more funds from the tribes due to “political opposition”, and Reed was able to get cash for his cause as well. Pretty nifty, right?
Well yes, except that Abramoff got caught, and could possibly serve jail time for his actions. Reed has tried to absolve himself of any wrongdoing, claiming that he never knowingly took any money illegally. Emails between Abramoff and Reed prove that he did indeed know who his paycheck was coming from, thus proving him to be a liar of the first degree. Thank goodness lying isn’t one of the Ten Commandments, otherwise Ralph would be a major hypocrite, exposed for using religious faith to bilk people out of untold riches.
Oh wait – I just looked it up – I guess he’s a liar and a hypocrite after all.
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