Abortion? I have questions for those who...

[AmyStrange]

have had the procedure. I'm an idiot male who knows little to nothing about the emotional or psychological ramifications of what happens before or after.

I have a close friend who is torn, and I want to be as supportive as posible.

Feel free to e-mail me privately or PM me or post here if it is allowed.

Thanx for all constructive post,

d

[stillcool]

1. Knowing now....way more than i knew then....

i am positive the decision i made was the right one. i was fortunate enough to have the procedure done when there was not as much 'heat' around the issue. i was an orphan with an unusual childhood and knew any child i brought into this world would not fare well. My mother was pregnant with me when she was undergoing treatment for cancer, and i've often wondered why her doctors allowed the pregnancy go to full term. Life is uncertain enough, but to deliberately bring anothers existence into being knowing the lack within yourself to provide and nourish that life is beyond cruel. The deal with adoption for me, is different from most, because my beginning in this life was so chaotic. The thought that my child would be raised by some loving family was too fairy-tale time to me. Like birds of a feather i have known several people who were adopted and the hole is always there. But then, thats just me.

[AmyStrange]

2. That's just not you...

she knows this also and she knows it is oh so easy for folks (republicans mostly) to decide without walking in her shoes.

Thank you for your reply. I really am crying now because I'm sure your decision was painful even 'til this day.

((((HUGz))))

d

[Blue_Roses]

3. the best support

is just being there for whatever decision she makes without any judgement. The decision itself is one that can only be made by her, but knowing that you will be there for her no matter what will go along way toward easing her mind. Sounds like she's lucky to have you as such a great friend :hug:

[AmyStrange]

4. so thank you...

I will support her whatever she decides

[Nikki Stone 1]

6. Your help and support are really important

Just be there for her no matter what. And don't worry about the judgements of others. They are unimportant.

[Liberty Belle]

5. I am pro-choice. But a friend who had an elective abortion

in college after breaking up with her boyfriend came to regret it. She wound up reconciling with him and they married, but they could never have children. After many years, they divorced. She did, however, become pregnant again at around 40, in a second marriage, and finally had a healthy baby girl.

I've also known women who had abortions without any apparent serious regrets. These were different situations, one with a seriously malformed fetus. Another involved a mother who had cancer and needed chemo, so she opted to abort a pregnancy in the early stages so that she'd have a good chance to survive and care for her other young children.

Abortion is always a difficult choice, but I think it's easier to live with the decision when it's made for reasons other than convenience.

[ArmchairActivist]

7. OMG, did you just say 'convenience'??!?

It kinda looks like you did. And I'm quite confused by that, so maybe you could elaborate.

Do you really think people have abortions because it's freakin' inconvenient not to? Honestly?

I've read some cold-hearted shit in this place, but that's right up there.

-AA

[tkmorris]

8. You're kidding right?

Or perhaps we have different definitions for convenience, as it applies here.

I have known young women who have led life as if there were no consequences, only to inevitably get pregnant and decide to have an abortion for reasons which appear (and by their own admission are true) to amount to "I don't want a baby right now". I think most honest people take it as a given that such things occur, the question is how often and is that cost acceptable.

Anti-abortion fanatics would have you believe that the vast majority of abortions are done for reasons like that. In short, no reasons beyond lack of foresight and unwillingness to take responsibilty. Pro-choice activists might have you believe that such things never happen, or at least are a rarity. The truth is, as usual, somewhere in between.

[ArmchairActivist]

12. No. Not kidding. Not even a little.

I'm going a little past the denotative definition of 'convenience' here. People who choose abortions because they, using your words, 'don't want to have a baby right now' may in fact meet a dictionary definition of the word.

But most people aren't dictionaries.

Here's an example. Let's say you and me were having a bottle of pop, and you told me that my sister, who didn't want to have a baby right now, had an abortion because it was convenient. What kind of a reaction would you expect at that point?

Let's use a little more of your language. Let's say that after that, you said that my sister 'lacked foresight' and was merely 'unwilling to take responsibility. Now how do you think I might react?

Use whatever definition you like. Women don't have abortions for reasons of convenience. And to glibly suggest that they do, is, IMO cold-hearted and intended to provoke shame.

-AA

edit: typos

[question everything]

50. Very well said. Thank you n/t

[lojasmo]

15. I had a vasectomy for convenience sake.

Some women have had abortions for convenience sake. To suggest that it's never happened is assinine.

That doesn't mean that abortion shouldn't be safe, legal, and rare.

[elehhhhna]

18. Convenient? Wrong choice o'words IMHO.

[Igel]

19. Last fall there was a notorious (among RW circles) NYT Magazine

article. A woman wanted to have a baby with her boyfriend; lived in NYC. Lectured for a living. He was supportive. She got pregnant.

Ultrasound showed 2 twins + 1 (so two eggs were fertilized, one then divided to yield twins, one stayed singleton).

She gave her reasons: she'd be tied down; have to reduce income/lectures or find new job; would hate having to shop at Costco for gallon-sized jars of mayonaise; apt. wouldn't be big enough ... she'd wind up ... yecchhh ... in the suburbs. She may have had doubts about her parenting skills, but the reasons she gave, or at least the ones I remember that she gave, for wanting an abortion were all centered on her lifestyle, self-image, and desires.

She had the twins aborted; kept the singleton.

I'd call that convenience, and would consider it a fair use of the word.

[Bridget Burke]

22. And the story was confirmed....

By a non-right wing source?

If the story is true, I think it's a pity she is going to be a mother to even one child. The other 2 can wait to be reincarnated into better circumstances.

[Igel]

23. I wouldn't consider the NYT to be overly RW;

on the other hand, the few negative letters to the editor were swamped by the flood of openly supportive people, and the article raised the dander of the RWers because it was written by the woman herself, first person narrative. It may have partially been written tongue in cheek, but then I'd have expected it to have had at least one paragraph of note that would have dealt with the serious, actual issues involved.

NYT's editorial stance pretty consistently strong on the woman's right to choose; this didn't contradict that stance.

[Liberty Belle]

31. I'd say there was more than "convenience" in the case you mention.

Carrying 3 babies to term can be risk, especially for a petite woman. This falls into the same category as women who undergo fertility treatments and undergo selective abortion to avoid multiple births. There are clear health indications involved.

[sandnsea]

34. I call that mature responsibility

What if it were 6 eggs or 8? The responsible thing to do is abort some of them, for health and financial reasons. What's the difference in this situation? The woman knew 3 babies at once was way over her head. That's what women's reproductive self-determination and responsibility is all about.

[question everything]

51. In contrast to what is convenient to believe

pregnancy and giving birth is not a walk in the wood. There are heath risks involved, especially with multiple fetuses and there is also post partum depression.

Look at Andrea Yates. So she had five children and killed them all because the perceived herself as a bad mother.

Clearly becoming a mother (or a father) is a major event in one's life - and this is when the child is healthy.

So, yes, if a woman realizes that at this time of her life she cannot be a fit mother - for reasons that she cannot even articulate at this stage - she should be able to go the abortion way. And, no, competing the pregnancy and then opt for adoption is an option that should not be forced on anyone. Again, there are physical and mental health to take into consideration.

[Liberty Belle]

27. No offense intended.

Reasons for abortion are very complex and I support a woman's right to choose under every circumstance. I should have used a better term, though I'm not sure that would be. When an abortion isn't for a medical necessity (saving life or health of mother), or economic need, or a medical problem with the fetus), etc. what would the preferable term be? (I should add that my friend was from a well-to-do family, so money really wasn't an issue. She wanted to finish her schooling and didn't want to raise a baby alone, nor was she comfortable giving up a child for adoption, apparently.)

I merely meant to point out that the more compelling the circumstances, the more likely a woman might be not to feel pangs of guilt down the road, however justifiable her choice may seem at the time.

[REP]

38. Stop While You're Ahead

I can't imagine any reason more compelling than not wanting to have a(nother) child. If you can't, I'm very sorry.

[REP]

9. "Convenience"? Surgery Is SOOOOOOO Convenient! And FUN!

You're absolutely right - what other reason could a woman have for having an abortion other than convenience? Dealing with the nutcase protestors, shelling out $400+ bucks, undergoing surgery - sound pretty goddamn convenient to me. Hell, makes me wish I hadn't had that tubal ligation so I could get pregnant just to go have a fun abortion! It's a like a day at the spa, only painful and sometimes people threaten to kill you. Good times, good times.

Excuse me, I have to vomit now.

[tkmorris]

11. Gah

I hate responding to this because I am pro-choice and I fear that doing so will put me in a rather bad light but SOMEONE has to.

Sometimes a young woman who thought it "won't happen to me" finds herself pregnant. They didn't plan on it, they just assumed it wouldn't happen. Wishful thinking is all too human a trait.

At that point, after they accept the facts of the situation they are now in, some do in fact opt for an abortion because it is easier than actually having a baby they don't want. I don't like using the word convenient here really; that's an anti-abortionist word designed to make those who undergo the procedure seem heartless, however there is some truth to it. Sometimes women do have abortions simply because they don't WANT a baby. Not because it was rape, nor because they are indigent, or whatever other "acceptable" reasons. Sometimes they do it just because they don't want a baby.

I don't think anyone would argue that they enjoy doing it, it is more that the choice between having an abortion or having a baby for some people is a choice between two evils. As such it is indeed the more "convenient" course of action in some cases. I don't like it either but dem's da facts.

[REP]

13. That's Not Convenience - That's Being Responsible

Why even assume "it won't happen to me"? Why not assume, "I'm using birth control properly so it shouldn't happen to me" and yet it still does. The woman has thought about what she would do in such a case long before it ever happened, and once it has, still decides that she a) doesn't want MORE children b) doesn't want more children NOW c) doesn't want children EVER or d) for whatever reason, she does not want to carry this pregnancy to term so she terminantes the pregnancy. Saying that's "convenient" is like saying Christopher Reeve had "trouble walking" - it's a gross oversimplication at best, and disingenuous at worst.

Why isn't not wanting a(nother) baby an acceptable reason? Not that it's any of MY business what someone else does with her life and body, but that's a perfectly acceptable - and responsible - reason to me.

Speaking of things that aren't my business, don't like it when people have their 5th child when nobody in the house has a job, but it's not my business to tell people when and if they should have children - just like it's not my business to approve of their reasons for not carrying a pregnancy to term.

[July]

14. Thank you.

The idea that women have abortions because pregnancy and parenthood are "inconvenient" trivializes the very big issue of choosing to have or not have children. There seems to be a default assumption among many people that if a woman chooses an abortion, she is being unduly selfish, and that the woman who finds herself pregnant and does not have an abortion is more noble simply because she handles the situation of pregnancy differently.

As you point out, many women have thought about what they would do about an unwanted or unexpected pregnancy BEFORE it happens, and many also actively try to prevent pregnancy, yet still find that their birth control has failed. For many of those women, abortion is their best choice. Talking about abortion as if it is a convenience implies that there is a better choice, which is to go forward with an unwanted pregnancy.

[Liberty Belle]

30. Yes, often it's choosing the best of several unwanted options.

[Liberty Belle]

28. you're totally twisting my meaning. Please read my new post above.

[REP]

39. I'm Like So Totally Not

Your meaning is very clear: any reason you don't approve of is for "convenience." Thank you, please drive through.

[Liberty Belle]

46. I never said I didn't "approve" of anyone's decision.

In fact I clearly stated I'm pro-choice and support any woman's right to choose, whether or not I or anyone else "approve" is not germaine. I also welcome a better term than "convenience" for certain situations, but instead of offering up a positive alternative you've opted to engage in personal criticisms, which is not appropriate in this forum.

[REP]

49. Nice Dodge; Won't Wash

There are no abortions of convenience. I did not propose an 'alternative' because I disagree with your premise.

[REP]

10. Two Studies:

Abortion doesn't affect well-being, study says

New York Times (as printed in the San Jose Mercury 2/12/97)

Abortion does not trigger lasting emotional trauma in young women who
are psychologically healthy before they become pregnant, an eight-year
study of nearly 5,300 women has shown. Women who are in poor shape
emotionally after an abortion are likely to have been feeling bad about
their lives before terminating their pregnancies, the researchers said.

The findings, the researchers say, challenge the validity of laws
that have been proposed in many states, and passed in several, mandating
that women seeking abortions be informed of mental health risks.

The researchers, Dr. Nancy Felipe Russo, a psychologist at Arizona
State University in Tempe, and Dr. Amy Dabul Marin, a psychologist at
Phoenix College, examined the effects of race and religion on the
well-being of 773 women who reported on sealed questionnaires that
they had undergone abortions, and they compared the results with the
emotional status of women who did not report abortions.

The women, initially 14 to 24 years old, completed questionnaires and
were interviewed each year for eight years, starting in 1979. In 1980
and in 1987, the interview also included a standardized test that
measures overall well-being, the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale.

"Given the persistent assertion that abortion is associated with
negative outcomes, the lack of any results in the context of such a
large sample is noteworthy," the researchers wrote. The study took
into account many factors that can influence a woman's emotional
well-being, including education, employment, income, the presence of
a spouse and the number of children.

Higher self-esteem was associated with being employed, having a
higher income, having more years of education and bearing fewer children,
but having had an abortion "did not make a difference," the researchers
reported. And the women's religious affiliations and degree of involvement
with religion did not have an independent effect on their long-term
reaction to abortion. Rather, the women's psychological well-being before
having abortions accounted for their mental state in the years after the
abortion, the researchers said..

In considering the influence of race, the researchers again found
that the women's level of self-esteem before having abortions was the
strongest predictor of their well-being after an abortion.

"Although highly religious Catholic women were slightly more likely
to exhibit post-abortion psychological distress than other women, this
fact is explained by lower pre-existing self-esteem," the researchers
wrote in the current issue of Professional Psychology: Research and
Practice, a journal of the American Psychological Association.

Overall, Catholic women who attended church one or more times a week,
even those who had not had abortions, had generally lower self-esteem
than other women, although within the normal range, so it was hardly
surprising that they also had lower self-esteem after abortions, the
researchers said in interviews.

Gail Quinn, executive director of anti-abortion activities for the
United States Catholic Conference, said the findings belied the
experience of post-abortion counselors. She said, "While many women
express `relief' following an abortion, the relief is transitory."
In the long term, the experience prompts "hurting people to seek the
help of post-abortion healing services," she said.

The president of the National Right to Life Committee, Dr. Wanda
Franz, who earned her doctorate in developmental psychology, challenged
the researchers' conclusions. She said their assessment of self-esteem
"does not measure if a woman is mentally healthy," adding, "This requires
a specialist who performs certain tests, not a self-assessment of how
the woman feels about herself."

Most Women Do Not Feel Distress, Regret After Undergoing Abortion, Study Says



   The majority of women who choose to have legal abortions do not experience regret or long-term negative emotional effects from their decision to undergo the procedure, according to a study published in the June issue of the journal Social Science & Medicine, NewsRx.com/Mental Health Weekly Digest reports. Dr. A. Kero and colleagues in the Department of Clinical Sciences, Obstetrics and Gynecology at University Hospital in Umea, Sweden, interviewed 58 women at periods of four months and 12 months after the women's abortions. The women also answered a questionnaire prior to their abortions that asked about their living conditions, decision-making processes and general attitudes toward the pregnancy and the abortion. According to the study, most women "did not experience any emotional distress post-abortion"; however, 12 of the women said they experienced severe distress immediately after the procedure. Almost all of the women said they felt little distress at the one-year follow-up interview. The women who said they experienced no post-abortion distress had indicated prior to the procedure that they opted not to give birth because they "prioritized work, studies, and/or existing children," according to the study. According to the researchers, "almost all" of the women said the abortion was a "relief or a form of taking responsibility," and more than half of the women said they experienced positive emotional experiences after the abortion such as "mental growth and maturity of the abortion process" (NewsRx.com/Mental Health Weekly Digest, 7/12).

http://www.kaisernetwork.org/daily_reports/rep_index.cfm?DR_ID=24751

[mtnester]

16. A study that assumes that women who have had the procedure

think about it regularly, thus no lasting emotional or mental effects if they don't go through post-partum depression, etc. The part of this survey about it not affecting a woman is true crap.

Let me tell you....most women who have to go through this push it so far away emotionally to protect themselves it is as if the emotion never existed.. No one wants to have an abortion...no one does it out of "convenience"...they do it because it is the only choice for them at that time. And even though they do make that decision, it is THE most agonizing decision you can think of. Let me tell you what doctors knew about antibiotics and birth control back in 1975 when I was 15 and pregnant....NOTHING..you get a bronchial infection and bang...your birth control was worthless and you never knew it. Let me also tell you that many young women today are still NOT getting told about the issues with birth control and antibiotics, either through their doctor or their pharmacist.

So according to the study, I, as a 15 year old girl, was not affected by it? No...I just do not, even 30 years later, want to talk about it...period. Not even for a "study"...I, as many other women I know who have had to make this decision, just have to detach so far to save ourselves from being overwhelmed by it.

As to the original poster...be there for her on her terms...she will talk with you if she wants...do not push her to talk if she does not want to. Telling her you will be there in whatever capacity she needs from you is the best thing you can do, and tell her also that you support whatever decision she makes, because it is the right CHOICE for her. And do not bring it up to her in the future...ever..unless she brings it up first to you and wants to talk about it (even if it has been 50 years...don't bring it up).

[elehhhhna]

20. Not just antibiotics--other meds can cancel out your BC pills---

My migraine meds, for example. 'Course the package insert didn't say so until a few years ago. But I have a gorgeous 8 year old to prove it!

I thought (hoped?) there was a cosmic reason for my headaches. Without them I might not have been blessed with the privilege of mothering this child.

Having said that, I felt bad about my "procedure" at 18 only when I ws pregnant (years later) with my girls, and then only for fear I (THEY) would somehow, cosmically pay for it. Otherwide it was NOT an agonizing decision and there was no long-term effect. Short term effect was an unbelievable sense of relief.

[REP]

40. Anecdote is Not The Plural of Data

While I am sure everything you have said is very true for you, it is not true for every woman who has had an abortion. Your feelings do not invalidate either study; you merely fall outside the mean.

[Sparkly]

17. Kind of like "Divorce" alone is discussed, not Bad Marriages

I'm no expert, but I believe an unwanted pregnancy, the difficulty of the decision, the guilt and stigma from our culture (and perhaps protestors in your face), the stress of the procedure physically, etc. are all likely contributors to a range of feelings. But it starts with an unwanted pregnancy, and that should be the focus of people who want to reduce the number of abortions taking place, imho.

Similar to cause-effect studies on divorce. Yes, divorce itself is very stressful, but it also happens in the context of an unsuccessful marriage which could haved involved all sorts of stresses; it can also involve major stress factors like moving and financial strains.

So I think it's too easy for righties to isolate the one thing they dislike, which usually happens to be something involving women's autonomy. They don't typically focus on the factors surrounding it, or address men for their part.

[Lerkfish]

21. My first wife had one before I knew her.

she had been raped, and became pregnant, and obviously did not want the rapist's baby, not to mention she was single and alone in a big city, apart from her family.
She went through it with practically no support, but she never regretted the DECISION, but she told me that the process itself is tough to go through.
I think it was a hard decision for her to make, she made the one that best suited her situation, but even decades later, she still was affected by it, and it still gave her conflicted emotions, especially since for unrelated medical reasons(complications of which she eventually passed from) she was unable later to have children..so there was that guilt tied up with remorse and longing for even a criminal's chid later in life.

I think antichoice people portray those who have abortions as unfeeling callous monsters, but if they ever actually KNEW those people, they'd realize that its a choice arrived at though much soul-searching and anguish. All the more reason I think it should remain a choice between the woman and her family and doctor, not at the kangaroo court of wingnut fanatics.

[wicket]

33. holy crap, I am so sorry your wife went through this

:hug:

[Lerkfish]

37. thanks.

she passed away a few years back, and I hope that I made her happy (I think I did) while she was here.
I'm remarried now, and I have a kid, too. You never know what life is going to throw your way.

[SemiCharmedQuark]

24. I think a lot of the guilt women feel is from society and not biological

My aunts both had abortions as teens. One regretted it and one didn't. Just depends on the person, I guess.

[mrgorth]

25. Has anyone suggested

adoption?

[Bridget Burke]

29. That's an option--but not for everybody.

Pregnancy & childbirth have certain dangers.

In the old days, a woman was shamed to be pregnant out of wedlock. Nowadays, she'd be shamed by busybodies who insisted she raise the child herself.

Sometimes it's better to get rid of a clump of cells.

[Coexist]

32. adoption can be a slippery slope

I would feel greater guilt knowing that I handed a baby off to a couple who abused it than if I had never brought it into the world.

[REP]

41. Study: "Relinquishing Mother is at High Risk for Long Term..Repercussions"

J Obstet Gynecol Neonatal Nurs 1999 Jul-Aug;28(4):395-400

Postadoptive reactions of the relinquishing mother: a review.

Askren HA, Bloom KC.

Deer Valley OB/GYN, Mesa, AZ, USA.

OBJECTIVE: To review the literature addressing the process of relinquishment
as it relates to the birth mother. DATA SOURCES: Computerized searches in
CINAHL; Article 1 st, PsycFIRST, and SocioAbs databases, using the keywords
adoption and relinquishment; and ancestral bibliographies. STUDY SELECTION:
Articles from indexed journals in the English language relevant to the
keywords were evaluated. No studies were located before 1978. Studies that
sampled only an adolescent population were excluded. Twelve studies met the
inclusion criteria and were included in the analysis. DATA EXTRACTION: Data
were extracted and information was organized under the following headings:
grief reaction, long-term effects, efforts to resolve, and influences on the
relinquishment experience. DATA SYNTHESIS: A grief reaction unique to the
relinquishing mother was identified. Although this reaction consists of
features characteristic of the normal grief reaction, these features persist
and often lead to chronic, unresolved grief. CONCLUSIONS: The relinquishing
mother is at risk for long-term physical, psychologic, and social
repercussions. Although interventions have been proposed, little is known
about their effectiveness in preventing or alleviating these repercussions.

[mrgorth]

43. This is just crazy

I'm pro-choice but avoiding adoption cause you'll feel bad makes no sense at all. This is where you loose people.

[Bridget Burke]

45. Avoiding adoption "cause you'll feel bad"?

Like the lady who said she'd feel bad if her child was adopted by abusers?

Pregnancy & childbirth are not without risk--even in today's world. And some women don't have nine months to spare.

[mrgorth]

47. Oh

for fuck sake.

[REP]

48. Peer-Reviewed Studies Don't "Loose" People

I'm sorry if the facts don't conform to your conclusions. Perhaps you'd like to take it up with the authors of the study I cited.

[Coexist]

26. I think it depends on the woman

I know several women who have had abortions. One had a really hard time with it, for several months - lost her faith in religion and all that (she was also the only one who didn't go to the follow-up counseling because of the horrible protesters outside, I think that made a difference). The others (at least to me) were okay with their decision, and they felt it was the right one for them. One mentioned it once, about a dozen years later, after she had two children, about how she might've had three, and she was glad she waited to be a mom. I am VERY close to two of them; they have both gone on to have families and full lives.

I hope this helps.

[AmyStrange]

35. It helps tremendously...

thanx,

d

[AmyStrange]

36. Thanx to everyone who responded...

all your replies (both pos and neg) were deeply appreciated and quite helpful.

I also want to thank those who replied privately,

d

[Withywindle]

42. Best wishes to your friend, whatever her choice

and to you for being such a supportive friend.


Here's a web site you may want to look at: http://www.imnotsorry.net/

It's a site for women who have had abortions and DON'T regret them to tell their stories. There's some powerful stuff here, very eye-opening. I'm not evangelizing for abortion or anything, but we get so much propaganda in the other direction I think it's important to stress that not all women do have regrets; it is in fact the best option some of the time, and a woman isn't a cold insensitive monster if she happens to be glad she did it.


Some of the people throwing judgements around would do well to remember that to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth IS, in fact, to risk your life at least a little bit. Women do still die in childbirth on occasion even with good care, and I almost lost a close friend that way just a few years ago. (Yes, she was perfectly healthy before - she developed dangerously high blood pressure as a side effect of pregnancy) In my perfect world, no one would ever do it who didn't truly, madly, deeply want to.

[seabeyond]

44. a friend haunts me with her choice

mid twenties she got an abortion. walking out of a marriage didnt want to bring a child into that. a handful of years later just a one night stand and had one there. from then on out in life she denied herself child because of her choice. now i meet her in early 40's, and i am saying what. dont beat yourself up./ you would be a wonderful mother. that is not indicitive of being a mother. dont punish self

my niece received one last spring. didnt effect her at all. she takes no responsibility

work on your friend to heal herself in making htis choice. it isnt good or productive for it to be in a place where she spends the rest of life beating herself up. she needs to love this "her" in this decision.

[Digit]

52. I had one in 72

It was a date rape thing before there was a term for it.
Maybe it was too long ago, but I never think of it, and I don't regret it, since it was rape.
I even saw the person at a class reunion, and told him I forgave him.

For myself, it was a clear decision, but for others..it depends on the individual and the situation.

Just be supportive of your friend. It is her decision.