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I can't trust any of you.
How can I feel safe when I don't know which of you are properly trained, holding MRC badges, fully licensed, fully registered, completely insured, judicially adjudicated sane, are not preoccupied, have not taken any sinus medicine, have had a medical examination to insure you're healthy enough to operate a motor vehicle, are smart or wealthy enough to maintain a vehicle fit for road use, and mature enough to safely pilot a half ton missile capable of triple digit speeds?
You are all death on two wheels.
I can barely function knowing, as I walk through the grocery store, that some of you may have motorcycles at home or, god forbid, in the parking lot, and with a full tank of gas! Gas is explosive! What if a child stole your motorcycle and drove it into a school? What if it took off while he was showing it to his friends? What if your children took your motorcycles out for a spin while you were away on vacation? Motorcycles can tip over and crush you, not to mention the dangerous pollutants and waste they create. Only criminals ride motorcycles. There's no good reason to own on, as dangerous as they are. Especially these touring models, with high capacity extended range gas tanks, capable of delivering high-velocity death hundreds of miles from home.
Black motorcycles are among the most dangerous. They're so dark you can't see them. They should be easier to see, so I can tell them apart from my neighbor's children's Big Wheel, which is molded in yellow and orange plastic, so I know it isn't dangerous. Those big black cruisers sneak up on innocent drivers, darting in and out of my blind spots trying to run me off the road! The only thing worse than black motorcycles are sport bikes. Those bright colors look like a poisonous insect, and they're designed to be leaned-from-the-shoulder, allowing their riders even more maneuvering advantage over innocent drivers who can't keep track of the dangerous swarms of threating colors.
Some motorcycles are too loud and threatening. I can barely hear my cell phone over the noise they make! You shouldn't be allowed to operate a motorcycle over 74 decibels within 5 miles of a church or school. They are distracting and harmful to children's ears, and what if those children see you on a motorcycle! They might hold up their hands making "vroom vroom" noises, mimicking the throttle and brakes, playing motorcycle games with the other kids. They'll all grow up to be dangerous, violent bikers, incapable of functioning in healthy, normal society. These big loud motorcycles are simply unneeded. But, some motorcycles are too small and quiet. Did you know that you could take these miniature motorcycles, hide them in a shed, a truck bed, or disguise them behind a bush? They could be taken anywhere and used with wanton disregard for public safety. Did you also know that is is possible to purchase special mufflers, designed by scientists and intended only for military use, that are so silent as to be undetectable? Imagine all the places where a small, silent, highly lethal motorcycle could be concealed. Anyone could have one. You can't trust anyone because you don't know how mobile they are!
I'm sorry if it offends you, but I think you're all stupid if you think you have a legitimate need for motorcycles.
If you're going to keep one at all it needs to be stored inside a secure garage, with a disc lock, and fully winterized, with the battery removed, uncharged, and gasoline drained. That way, if you ever have the sudden urge to go riding you'll be forced to take the time to consider your actions. If you can't afford your own home with a garage you can't own a motorcycle. You must prove a definite sporting purpose for any motorcycle you wish to have approved for purchase. Motorcycles older than 1968 are not approved. Current year motorcycles must pass government testing before being placed on the market. Altered motorcycles cannot be sold. All bikes must be registered ($1000 annual fee) and once the re-registration period has lapsed that motorcycle may never be registered again and must be destroyed.
You can ride your motorcycle but only if the motorcycle remains locked, secured, empty of gasoline, and you have the machine transported to a government supervised riding range. Full safety equipment must be used under all circumstances and motorcycles will go through a function test before being allowed on the range. Safety inspections are $10 per visit, per bike. All maneuvering actions will be kept 5 seconds apart. Maximum engine displacement of 550cc will be allowed and all mufflers will meet range requirements. The riding range will be $15 per quarter hour and no outside gasoline will be allowed. You must purchase all fuel from our fuel desk, with included environmental hazard surcharge, in 500ml quantities. 87 octane limit. No one may purchase more than 5 liters of fuel in any given month. Private riding ranges are allowed but may not be built within 50 miles of any settled area.
If you cannot afford the necessary requirements for the use and storage of a motorcycle then you may own a deactivated replica, with the engine seized, frame cut in half, and carburetor removed. All operating fees, licensing, registration, rules and regulations are subject to local, state, military, and federal power.
I can't go to bed. I just heard a motorcycle go by. Guess I'll have to sleep in the bath tub tonight.
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