We need a Gungeon joke thread. Here it is. I'll start, you finish.

[alwynsw]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[goju]

1. An oldy but a goody :) n/t

[aikoaiko]

8. Not a joke per se, but very very funny

SO this police officer is talking to some trainees and how well trained he is to carry a weapon. I think his last words before the punch line are, "I'm special enough to carry a Glock".


"im special"

[aikoaiko]

9. Whoops, i didn't do that correctly...

... I'll see if i can find the video.

Here is the url -- make just copy and paste it.
http://drunkendelight.com/content/videos/03084899.wmv

[Wickerman]

2. these threads never work

Gungeon folk ain't got no sense of humor - must be that bullets for brains thing. :D


/ducks

[iverglas]

3. aww

It's just so hard to tell gun jokes that aren't obnoxious ... even when one studiously removes the misogyny present in the original ...

"What is a Canadian?"
"An American with health care and no gun."

You know you're a Canadian when ...
You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

(I don't have a lacross stick, but I have several crutches, some old water skis, my mother's childhood downhill skis, and a friend's old cross-country skis in the storage room ... and an assortment of old speed and hockey skates (all mine, although I've never played hockey; I just could never see much point in tripping around on ice on pick skates) way up on the shelves in the front hall.)

To address long standing concerns about escalating violence in hockey, Martin said the government will increase the number of linesmen and referees to 12 per game, one official for each player on the ice. In addition, Canada's gun registry legislation will be amended to require all hockey sticks to be registered.

But then the best joke of all, and all I really need to say to get a huge laugh from the assembled audience, is "firearms registry!" Right?

[skippythwndrdog]

4. A good read.

You last point was right on! It was only more than a BILLION dollars overbudget!

[iverglas]

5. it's such fun talking with the humour impaired

But I shouldn't be ethnocentric; I know that the southern mind doesn't grasp self-deprecating humour, after all.

Here's another one for you:

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
That's not funny.

You see? I really really think that feminists have no sense of humour. RIGHT?

If a man spoke in the forest and there was no woman there to hear him, would he still be wrong?

Take that as ye will!

[alwynsw]

6. The planner of the registry in question

[petronius]

7. I'll add one (no guarantee of funny, however...)

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than
anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every
minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that
there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday
night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation
of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took a seat
next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great
ambition.

"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will," said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy. "Got any more
tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy.
"I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle
grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your ass and it won't hurt as much."

[Eagle_Eye]

10. Armed Aircrewmen

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. The navigator eyed him suspiciously as he placed it on top of the instrument panel.

After an uncomfortable pause, the pilot asks him, "Do you know what I use this for?"

"No, what's it for?" the navigator asked, even though he was pretty sure what was up.

"I use this on navigators who get me lost!" the pilot said.

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table, in full view of the pilot, but he didn't say anything.

The pilot finally had to ask: "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost long before you will."

[Billy Ruffian]

11. Two guys are out hunting

and one of them trips, and hits his head, knocking him out. He's non-responsive, and his buddy calls 911 with his cell phone.

"Help, my buddy and I are out hunting, he fell and hit his head. I think he's dead!"

"Are you sure he's dead? Why not check and be sure?"

"Wait a minute ..." "BANG!" "Yeah, I'm sure he's dead, now what?"

[Billy Ruffian]

12. Leonard & Cecil are out hunting

and they manage to shoot a deer.

They grab the deer by the antlers, and start dragging it back to the truck. The antlers keep getting snagged on branches and bushes.

They encounter another hunter who sees their problem, and tells them that it would be easier if they dragged the deer the other way.

Leonard & Cecil put down the deer, and pick it up by the hind legs, and start dragging. After a bit, Cecil says "That fella knew what he was talking about, it IS easier to drag the deer this way."

Leonard shakes his head and says "Yeah, but we're getting further from the truck."