The Onion: "We Must Do More When Having Brief, Panicked Thoughts About Climate Change"

[hatrack]

The 20 hottest years on record have all taken place in the past quarter century. The resulting floods, wildfires, and heat waves have all had deadly consequences, and if we don't reduce carbon emissions immediately, humanity faces bleak prospects. We can no longer ignore this issue. Beginning today, we must all do more when it comes to our brief and panicked thoughts about climate change. Indeed, if there was ever a time when a desperate call to take action against global warming should race through our heads as we lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, that time is now.

Many well-intentioned people will take 20 seconds out of their week to consider the consequences of the lifestyle they've chosen, perhaps contemplating how their reliance on fossil fuels has contributed to the rapid melting of the Arctic ice cap. But if progress is what we truly want, 20 seconds is simply not enough. Not by a long shot. An issue this critical demands at least 45 seconds to a solid minute of real, concentrated panic.

And I'm not talking about letting the image of a drowning polar bear play out in your mind now and then. If we're at all serious, we need to let ourselves occasionally be struck with grim visions of coastal cities washing away and people starving as drought-stricken farmlands fail to yield crops—and we need to do this regularly, every couple days or so, before continuing to go about our routines as usual.

EDIT

Global warming must be met with immediate, short-lasting feelings of overwhelming dread, or else life as we know it will truly cease—oh, God, there's nothing we can do, is there? Maybe we're already too late. What am I supposed to do? Unplug my refrigerator? I recycle, I take shorter showers than I used to, doesn't that count for something? Devastating famines and brutal wars fought over dwindling resources? Is that my fault? Jesus, holy shit, someone do something! Tell me what to do! For the love of God, what can possibly be done?

EDIT

http://www.theonion.com/articles/we-need-to-do-more-when-it-comes-to-having-brief-p,21295/

[petronius]

1. Tragically hilarious. I got a kick out of this one as well:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-global-warming-issue-from-2-or-3-years-ago,18431/

[hatrack]

2. Brilliant!

Thus far, the study has gained unanimous favor in the scientific community, which was admittedly surprised in 2008 and 2009 at how quickly a defining issue that will undoubtedly affect everyone on the planet became so heavily politicized and took a backseat to health care reform, the housing bubble, and replacing Jay Leno on The Tonight Show.

:rofl: