The Funniest Political April Fool's Jokes You Missed: Sojoke Mail

[AmericanErrorist]

These April Fools jokes are provided for us by Sojourners, a Christian progressive magazine at http://www.sojo.net

Start with a bit of mainstream political satire:

The embattled Bush administration has had few political successes recently - what with its failure to find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq or jobs in America. But few realize that the White House has, in fact, succeeded in one of its most important initiatives. It got rid of the bald guys.

These facts came to light after journalists noticed that most, if not all, outgoing administration officials shared one thing in common, besides writing embarrassing exposes about the failure of Bush policies: they have little hair. Former counterterrorism aide Richard Clarke, former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, and former press secretary Ari Fleischer were all replaced through a secret White House mandate to give the staff a more virile, manly persona. The president himself sports an enviable "do" for a man of his age, and those around him, increasingly, are projecting a similar image...

... The administration's Good-Hair-Day-in-Chief, of course, is Paul Bremer, the civilian administrator in Iraq who gives frequent press reports with a set jaw, piercing eyes, and hair to die for. Bremer is the undeclared spokesmodel for American determination in any crisis situation, whether it be going to war, dealing with recalcitrant Islamist clerics, or waking up in the morning with your hair flat on one side. And let's face it, in a photo-op with Bremer and six or seven grumpy clerics, it's Bremer's perfect hair that sends a message of undisputed U.S resolve.

This issue has further entangled an already heated election campaign. The presumptive Democratic nominee John Kerry has a formidable head of hair to contend with - hair that he boasts has been tested under extreme conditions including the Vietnam War, snowboarding, windsurfing, kiteboarding, and the Vietnam War. His handlers hope to capitalize on his perfectly sculpted coiffure in a new campaign ad: "John Kerry. He never lost a man. Or his Bryll Cream."
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Producers for the Fox television network recently revealed that the U.S. government had been duped by Saddam Hussein as part of a long-running reality show, My Big Fat Obnoxious Iraqi Dictator. The idea for the show was for a brutal and corrupt head of state to form a close relationship with the U.S., and then see just how obnoxious he could become and still remain in power.

Continue with leftist in-jokes:

A "poll" asked a random sample of "people" the following question: How do you respond to Ralph Nader's run for president?

32% I exhausted my electoral idealism voting for Dennis Kucinich in the primaries. I'll do as I'm told now.
14% I think his electric personality and irresistable charisma are a VERY close second to Kerry's.
6% Somebody told me a vote for Nader was the same as a vote for Bush. I think it has something to do with those new computerized voting machines.
11% Who has Michael Moore endorsed again? Does he still want Wes Clark?
2% Mr. Nader's popularity has become...inconvenient. He must be ignored...with extreme prejudice.
34% I agree with him about everying except abortion. But what the heck - it's not like he'll ever be elected.
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Stop cruelty, exploitation, and genetic modification this Easter Season!!
Demand organic, free-range, hormone-free, and fair trade Marshmallow Peeps!!!

Cruel experiments are performed on Peeps to guarantee their flavor, texture, and sweet, sweet goodness. IT'S AN OUTRAGE!
Every year, dozens of Marshmallow Peeps are consumed by children around the world! Or at least the parts that celebrate Easter! But how many chubby-cheeked consumers think about the process that these precious peeps go through before they rot our teeth and clog our arteries?! Peeps are kept in small shrink-wrapped confinement, unable to move, in order to remain soft, and tender, and oh so sweeeet...AND they are subject to painful testing under extreme conditions - see links below!

http://www.peepresearch.org/smoking.html
http://www.peepresearch.org/surgery.html
http://www.peepresearch.org/nitrogen.html


Add some cultural critism:

Evangelical audiences who flocked to see Mel Gibson's graphic portrayal of The Passion of the Christ may get another eyeful when Hugh Hefner, on fire for God after a near-death conversion experience, releases his equally graphic The Passion of Solomon. Says the aging Hefner, "After a life as America's playboy, I wanted to use my gifts for Jesus and make a film that does for biblical sex what Gibson did for biblical violence."

And throw a outwardly Christian leftist perpective on top:

NEW! From the Bible publishers that brought you...

The Megachurch PowerPoint Bible for Mass Consumption (BMC)
The Jesus Seminar Take-It-Or-Leave-It Heavily Revised Non-Standard Version (HRNSV)
The King George Authorized Pax Americana Vulgate (PAV)
...comes THE WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL STUDY BIBLE!

Featuring:

In-depth commentaries on the tough issues you face every day, such as:

Getting a camel through the eye of a needle (Matthew 19:24) with easy-to-understand diagrams!
Tearing down your barns and building bigger ones (Luke 12:18)
Having an answer for bleeding-heart do-gooder guilt-mongers who want you to sell all you have and give to the poor (Luke 18:18-22)
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Moonbeam Solstice writes from his nihilist commune on the outskirts of San Francisco, California:

Cancel my subscription immediately! As a Republican athiest I'm so blinded with rage at your consistently wrong-headed "pro-God" and anti-American stance that I can now barely see my computer and have been reduced to stabbing haphazardly at the keyboard. Hopefully spell-cheeck will catch most of my mmistakes - thank God for Billl Gates. (UNless you're an athiest like me andthen youll just thank the evolutinoary process and a random series of genetic mutations over millions of years for Bill Gates. ). When wil you sissies lern that it is not until you stop worshiping your "Jesus" and bow the kneee to King George W our REAL Savior that their will be piece on earth - at least for True Americans cause the rest of you (and yeah, i'm talking to you too, Canada) will be paddling to China where you can keep your commie theology and eat rice all day!

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Brittany Cohen writes from her organic tobacco farm in Kenly, North Carolina:

Cancel my subscription - YESTERDAY!! As a Christian fundamentalist member of the Green Party I am currently lying in a hospital bed recovering from the apoplectic fit that I had upon reading your recent election coverage that refuses to recognize the OBVIOUS reality that the Green Party is God's Party in 2004! IT'S IN REVELATIONS, PEOPLE!!! In chapter six, the first three horses of the apocolypse are white, red, and black - symbolizing white for the Republicans (duh!), red for the Democrats (or as I like to call them, "Commiecrats"), and the Black Panther Party. Each of these parties has had their chance to rule America at one time or another (well, the Panthers really only ruled the NFC until their defeat in the Super Bowl, but I digress...often), but the FOURTH horse is the GREEN horse and this election year is the FOURTH year of the new MILLENIUM! Any fool with a SCOFIELD KING JAMES BIBLE in one hand, USA Today in the other, and CBN on the TV could figure that out!!!!

And you have, hands down, the best, most well-rounded out April Fool's Day satire on the net!

http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=sojomail.home#5

[checks-n-balances]

1. LOL Humor!

Thanks for posting it for everybody, CocaCola. Actually, since I subscribe to their email newsletter, I could have beat you to it - but being a newbie I'm not allowed to start a message yet.

The other plus is that it gives people a little exposure to Sojourners - a welcome alternative to the Frightening Fundamentalists (who mostly give the rest of Christianity - not to mention God - a bad name)!

Jim Wallis of Sojo is another prophetic voice in the wilderness these days and well worth reading. I have a hunch that even those who consider themselves non-religious would appreciate his willingness to speak out. Here's a current sample:

From "Bring It On" by Jim Wallis:

"In the recently published collection of excerpts from William Sloane Coffin's speeches and sermons - Credo - appears this gem: 'When the rich take from the poor, it's called an economic plan. When the poor take from the rich, it's called class warfare. It must be wonderful for President Bush to deplore class warfare while making sure his class wins'"...

http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=magazine.article&issue=soj0404&article=040451

And one more...
"The Lawyer, the Bible, and the Governor: How the Bible, a newspaper article, and simple biblical ethics put a Southern law professor at the cutting edge of a tax reform movement":

http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=magazine.article&issue=soj0404&article=040410

Y'all check out Sojo.net sometime, and thanks again to you, CocaCola!