Read something really profound about alcoholics and relationships that floored me

[LiberalLoner]

Really helped me understand the alcoholic family I grew up in, much much much better. I hope it might help someone here too who is or has been or will be in a relationship with an addict or alcoholic.

My name is ---- and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behaviour. You can not make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I can not love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behaviour will not change and can not change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.
Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.

(Not sure where the original source of this is, or I would give credit. I think it's one of those "anonymous" things.)

[raccoon]

1. I've seen that. Ain't it the truth? nt

[BlueIris]

2. The one that really changed me is from that "Struggle for Intimacy" book for

adult children of alcoholics. (And what an adroit description of us that is.) It was the essay about how for people who were "raised" by alcohol abusers, intimacy = death. Because intimacy requires vulnerability, which in the mind of someone stuck in a childhood with no parent to protect them from danger, means the risk of physical death. Therefore intimacy becomes the enemy, something fundamentally dangerous in and of itself.

Awful, right? That totally revolutionized the way I thought about my relationships.

[seabeyond]

4. i have a nephew and niece raised in this. the really ironically odd of it all

once one exposes their "vulnerability" it is no longer a vulnerability. the only thing that makes it that is the protection of.

i will have to check out that book. dealing with the kids right now.

[seabeyond]

5. dupe

[monmouth]

11. I've often thought that is oneof the many reasons I failed at relationships

and would never get into another one. Raised by alcoholics, first husband was alcoholic and I am in recovery for almost twelve years (this time), thank you higher power....

[seabeyond]

3. ah, my brother.... that i love dearly. and even in that, i know this to be true.

this would be very good for my father to read. he just. does. not. understand.

[blueamy66]

6. Are you saying that an alcoholic cannot love others?

I call BS.

[nomorenomore08]

7. I think it's more that excessive substance use gets in the way of close relationships.

When you're so focused on getting your fix, whatever form that may take, it inevitably detracts from potential intimacy with others. It's not necessarily that you don't care about the people in your life, maybe more that your issues - and this goes for more than just addiction - prevent you from fully expressing that love.

[blueamy66]

13. Okay, that makes sense.

My bro and Dad were alcoholics and I know that there was alot of love, even tho they had their issues.

[seabeyond]

8. do you continously steal from and lie to the people you love?

can that be love?

he says he loves me after every pathetic call that is all about him and how horrible his life is, people are to him, wrongs done to him. every call... i love you.
but the behaviors to me? steal. intimidate. lie. self absorbed.

is that love?

i dont know, i dont care. i know that he is in a world of pain of his making and i cant see an out for him, which makes me even more resigned, and still, i am always there for him. as is his daughter, two son and my father.

[taterguy]

9. I never stole or lied when I was excessively using alcohol

I think the point is that 'One size does not fit all' when it comes to addictive behavior.

[MrsBrady]

12. not all drunks are horse thieves

and not all horse thieves are drunk.

some people don't get it.
alcoholism is not a character flaw, it's a disease.


I'd say my 'untreated al-anon' food addicted, narcissistic mother requires "more" from me in order for me to keep my al-anon sobriety than does my
alcoholic father. (my sobriety is my own, yes, I know, but it's just a manner of speaking.)
She's the one that always like to stir up shit. Dad simply just drank too much. Not that his excessive drinking was a good thing, but
he was never mean like she was or can be.

[blueamy66]

14. Not all alcoholics steal and lie

I am sorry that you're experiencing this....but as I've stated in another post....my bro and Dad were alcoholics and they didn't steal or lie and I knew that they loved.

I would have done anything for either of them...wish they were still alive. My bro drank himself to death at 35 yrs of age. :-(

[LiberalLoner]

15. Do you feel that if you had just tried harder, you could have saved them? Have you ever

been to an Al-Anon meeting or ACOA meeting or read any of the literature about co-dependency?

I am sorry for your multiple losses.

ACOA meetings and literature were absolute lifesavers for me. It was the only way I could give up blaming myself for my father's (and now my brother's) alcoholism and to realize, I didn't cause it - I can't control it - I can't cure it.

Before I gained my own sobriety from co-dependency, I was always rushing in trying to fix things for my father. Trying to make sure he was always happy and comfortable, trying to save him from the consequences of his drinking. Rushing in to defend his honor from those who might criticize his drinking or his behavior while drinking.

Now I no longer give a shit. His problems are his own. He let me down and hurt me enough during my childhood and the day I hear he is finally dead, I will feel more relief than sadness.

[blueamy66]

18. My brother could not be helped.

He just couldn't stop with the meth and the booze. My Dad kinda enabled him.....but my Dad loved him so much, he couldn't stand to see my bro in pain. Kinda like what you said about your Dad.

I wish he would have stopped and dragged him to rehab.

I didn't understand the disease and was just a total bitch to my bro. I feel guilty about that.

I really didn't "see" the alcoholism in my Dad...he functioned.

I drink too much myself....you'd think I'd learn....

Thx for your advice.

[LiberalLoner]

24. Oh, I wish I could give you a hug because I feel like I understand

a little bit of what you have been through. I didn't lose my brother (yet) but he's been homeless and none of us knew if he was alive or dead. I still pray for him every day. He's fallen off the wagon again but so far still has his janitorial job and a room to live in.

I used to think if only I had said the right things, if only I had made them happier somehow then they wouldn't have drank like that. It took a long time and a lot of help for me to finally understand and accept that it wasn't my fault.

And even now I still read the literature because I need boosts now and then. I get to thinking, well maybe if I do this and that, they will love me the way I hoped family would love me. Stuff like what I posted is a good reality check for me. I spent too many years hurting and not even realizing how badly I was hurting, because I was so focused on trying to rescue them and trying to not make them angry and trying to cover for them so we looked okay to the outside world.

It's a terrible disease.

There is a really great book called "It will never happen to me." I bet you could get it at the local library or if not, on amazon, for a good price, especially if you can find a used copy. I think the author was Claudia Black? It was quite a few years ago now since i read it.

It explains that when we grow up around this stuff, we get affected too. It's like we catch the sickness and it comes out in us one way or another. With me, I have a bad habit of eating too much when I am stressed or sad. Or hiding from the world. Some days I don't get out of bed, I just pull the covers over my head. Not very often, but there are on occasion days like that for me. The bad days.

That book really helped me forgive myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect now or anything, but I stopped feeling so much pain inside every day. It helped me understand so that it didn't hurt inside anymore. I hope that you can get the book, if you have times when you hurt inside.

[blueamy66]

25. Thank you for the awesome post.

I will go buy the book this weekend.

We grew up in an awesome family.....had a great childhood! I loved my parents to DEATH!

I like to hide from reality as well. Someday I will grow up.

Again, thanks for the kind words.

[LiberalLoner]

27. You're welcome. And it's not about growing up, it's just about healing and

not hurting so badly on the inside anymore. I know enough about families like ours to know you had to be a grownup much sooner than you were ready for. You never really got to be a child at all or feel safe. I wish you peace in your heart and in your life and freedom from the ghosts of the past that are awfully good at haunting us.

[blueamy66]

28. Thank you again.

I need peace in my heart......Amy

[raccoon]

20. ACOA and now Al Anon meetings and literature have really worked a miracle in my life.

I remember the first time I went to ACOA meetings, in the mid-1980's, I felt like somebody was FINALLY listening to me and understood how I felt.

Younger people may not realize that decades ago, nobody talked about alcoholism,or drug addiction, abuse, etc. You didn't air your dirty laundry. It was considered private family business, and outsiders didn't interfere.

The zeitgeist was that the parent was always right and the kid always wrong. OK, that's a little strong, but basically that's how it was. Nobody ever allowed me to say anything unfavorable about my parents.

The society as a whole was in big-time denial. Whenever you speak of the good old days when a family could live off one person's income (although most conveniently forget that houses were a lot smaller and families didn't have near as much STUFF in those days), you just remember all that denial.

[stuntcat]

16. true

my Dad was alcoholic and the only person he harmed with it was himself. He was so full of love and goodness, and anyone who ever knew him knew that about him- that 1: he was good all the way through. & 2: he drank too much.

There are degrees to everything. not everyone can be fit into this hole.. maybe a lot, but not everyone.

[blueamy66]

19. I agree totally.

nt

[blueamy66]

29. Exactly....not everyon can be "fit into this hole"....

nt

[LiberalLoner]

10. The love they feel is more akin to need. They need others in order to keep their

addiction going. They love, sort of. I'm sure my father loved my sister and me the whole time he was sexually abusing us. I'm sure he loved all his various wives even while he was trying to choke them to death and when he gave them black eyes and broken ribs.

I guess what that is saying is that the QUALITY of love expressed might not ever live up to what you want it to be, when you are in love with an alcoholic (or the child of an alcoholic.)

Sure, he loved us. But that love came at too high a price for me, personally.

So now I have as little as possible to do with him.

[undeterred]

17. There are different stages of the disease

and the hurt you experience depends how close your relationship is to them. While I couldn't stand having a partner who is an alcoholic, I can be close friends with an alcoholic. I don't need quite as much from a friend as I do from a partner.

Some alcoholics contain their drinking to a certain time and place and they are able to work and socialize normally- others lose the ability to drive and need to depend on friends... some lose the ability to work... some lose the ability to relate socially... some break the law....

I don't mind driving a friend around to go shopping or go to a meeting who has lost her license. I don't want to be abused by someone who is an an alcoholic rage. There are degrees of alcoholism.

[Zorra]

21. Ugh. I've been in 2 relationships with alcoholics.

Alcohol was hands down way more important than I was in both cases.

[Little Star]

22. Those things are said in almost every AA meeting....

Alcoholics tell/admit their story for many reasons. Everyone is welcome to open speaker meetings & I went to plenty. I needed to find out what the heck was wrong with my loved ones.

Mostly these stories are shared to help the alcoholic see what their disease makes them do and become.
It helps bond them with others in AA who are fighting to change and overcome the same addictions.

It gives them a chance to meet others who may be able to help them know that they do not have to be that way any longer by following the steps laid out in the program where they hopefully find a good strong support system.

I have been a member of Alanon for many years. Alanon helped me understand the alcoholic family I grew up in, married into and the ones I raised from childhood.

Alanon has saved my life by teaching me about co-dependency. (I went into Alanon kicking & screaming that I had no problem & that Alanon was nuts)

AA saved the life of my teenage daughter and also my husband. It was to late for my mother & father, they never went to AA.

Alanon taught me the most important lesson of how to "let go". It taught me to understand that my own disease was co-dependency. My co-dependency had been helping me enable the alcoholics in my life. My very well intentioned actions were helping kill my loved ones. Alanon saved my life.

I cannot thank those programs enough! Those two programs worked for me and mine and for that I am ever grateful.

[elleng]

23. Don't really know what to say, but 'sociopath, yes.'

x(

[rurallib]

26. This would seem to be true no matter what the addiction

alcohol, drugs, money, sports, porn, on and on. Seems like the addicted will do what they need to do t get their fix.