Need advice for a "cougar" relationship

[blueamy66]

My 19 year old, soon to be stepson, has left his home to attend a large University. He has an apt with a few roommates...has a great situation.

He works a part-time job at a grocery store and has fallen in love with a 27 year old girl that works there as well. This is his first "real" girlfriend.

They are "in a relationship" on Facebook.

He is enamored.

I don't like her.

Her pic on Myspace.com states that "I fuck with flair". Ugh.

Should I pry? I've asked my fiance to call his son and try to talk to him without letting him know about it all.

I just care about him and I don't want him to get hurt...which I pretty much figure will happen.

Should I stay outta it?

[JanMichael]

1. She'll dump him

A month or so tops. Tell him to use protection. That's the most important thing; Dad needs to talk to him about STD's and pregnancy right NOW...but, other than that, you'll be fine.

[blueamy66]

3. I think so too.

She's gonna dump him...or she's using him for his cash.

Dad has left messages, but the son is in Europe doing some work for the University and will be back in about 5 days. He's constantly on FB with her.

I want to go visit so Dad can REALLY talk to him, but the airfare across country is ridiculous, especially since Dad is going to be paying support for another 4 years.

Ugh. I guess I'm really gonna have to press Dad to speak with him.

on edit: She keeps posting new pics of herself....all show boobs and all are made up...if one is in a "relationship" with someone else, don't you think that that "one" should tone down her pic?

[JanMichael]

5. nah, it's all about attention

if he is going to be on a university campus...he'll meet a "nice" girl that will be horrified by that woman...and I promise you...that will be The End. I mean, there's going to be some drama, but it will be mild, and not really worth worrying about.

[blueamy66]

7. I sure hope so....cause she is not the one for him.

I do worry though. Cause I just don't like her. :-) And he is such a good kid.

I can only imagine what his Mother thinks.

We're gonna scrape and starve to afford some airplane tix to go visit. We have to.

[JanMichael]

8. You can...but, I am betting the roomies and friends

fix the problem for you. Seriously...these kids are smarter than you think these days. Particularly about Facebook stuff.

[blueamy66]

10. I hope so.

He rooms with his step-brother and another friend. They are already calling her a cougar.

[JanMichael]

14. wife cracked up at the "cougar" reference

Seriously? "Cougars" are over 40. She had the "cougar conversation" with a younger, male librarian at work....and laughed to the point where he never mentioned it again--

I promise you; it's a phase. He'll be over it before you know it. Could end up being a "summer thing," but like I said, talk to him about protection only....he sounds smart...he'll "get it." I promise. They'll be calling her some version of "tramp" by the end of August.

[RedCloud]

2. Fucks with flair eh?

This should cure him:

[blueamy66]

4. Who is that?

nt

[JanMichael]

6. ha! That's Rick Flair, the wrestler

my wife was on a plane with him in the eighties; he was a pretty nice guy according to her....all that wrestling stuff was just an act.

[MicaelS]

9. Stay out of it...

The last thing a male wants to hear is advice from his mother on his choice of a mate (note that word, as in mating). If you push, you could drive them together more firmly. And he may be "enamoured" of her because she's older AND is more "sexual experienced." In other words, she's a hot fuck, and that is precisely what he wants right now, nothing more. She may be using him, simply for her own sexual and ego gratification. So they both may be using one another.

Stay out if it, period. Unless he asks for your advice. Don't hint around, if he wants your advice, he'll ask for it.

[blueamy66]

11. I do stay out of it.

I am just going to be his step-mother. I'm betting that his Mother is not too happy.

But don't you think that advice from another man, his Dad, might have some effect on him?

[MicaelS]

12. Depends on how close they are

What is the son's view of his parent's divorce? Does he blame his father for that? Does the son view the father as "fucking around" in the past? If so that would be "do as I say, not as I do."

Perhaps a grandfather, a favorite uncle or older cousin might work, if not his father.

But then I remember at that age, I wouldn't listen to anyone.

[blueamy66]

19. His parents were never married.

His Mother never spoke an ill word about his Dad.

I belive he adores his Dad...when his Dad went back East for his son's HS graduation, his son didn't leave his Dad's hotel room.

His Dad doesn't want to pry...that's his MO..but I think he needs to pry this time...

[MicaelS]

39. From as you describe, I would say ABSOLUTELY

His father needs to have a talk with him. Urge him to do so.

[petronius]

15. As long as that advice is "wear a condom every single time" it will maybe have an effect,

but even that isn't a sure thing.

I'd leave it alone: from our distance it may seem like an undesirable situation, and he'll agree 20 years from now, but at 19 people have different needs. As long as he respects your rules and boundaries in your house and in interactions with you, I'd leave it alone. (But don't forget it - there will probably e some good fodder for future friendly ridicule coming out of it... :) )

[burrfoot]

13. COUGAR?!?!?!??!?

She's 27 years old....when did that become a cougar???

Oh, and as for the advice- everyone above is right. Assuming he's using protection, just let him get it out of his system. He's probably having a fucking blast! :)


edit: ok, I just re-read and saw that the cougar comment comes from the kids. That makes a little more sense...but I still think it's impossible to be a cougar at 27.

Shit, maybe that means I'm getting old.....

[blueamy66]

20. Well, when the woman is 27

and the man/boy is only 19...first time out on his own....most likely a virgin...Yeah, she's a cougar. :-)

[PassingFair]

28. When I was 19, my boyfriend was 28.

Most people didn't bat an eye at that.
He was my second boyfriend.

I say stay the hell out of it.

And block him on Facebook if it causes you to get all up in his business like this.

[Iggo]

32. When I was 28, my GF was 19.

I was real immature, kinda like a teenager with money.

At the end of the day, though, she wanted to do stuff that I was way past.

Fun while it lasted.

[PassingFair]

34. Chris? Is that you?

I was in college and he was in law school, so
we were pretty much on the same level.

It wasn't as if he had a house or a steady job
and was dazzling me with material wealth or anything
like that.

We broke up because he was pouted when things didn't go his way.

[Iggo]

36. I was going to say the same thing: Chris, is that you?

:rofl:

[PassingFair]

37. LOL nt

[blueamy66]

44. All up in his business?

Please.

What are parents for?

Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder.

I thank you for your advice...but please don't respond again.

[PassingFair]

56. Why do you post stuff if you don't want responses.

Please don't post items of a personal nature
if you don't want feedback.

What are parents for? I'll tell you what their NOT for:

Choosing mates for their
nineteen year old adult children.

[blueamy66]

61. I asked for advice....

not to be spoken to as you have spoken to me.

See ya....:nuke:

[hobbit709]

16. 27 isn't cougar.

[blueamy66]

24. It is when the kid is only 19

Hey, his own buddies are calling him a cougar....not my term to begin with

[WorseBeforeBetter]

54. HE is not the cougar; SHE would be the cougar, but not at 27.

At 45 I was *involved* with a 25-year-old, and that would make ME a cougar (even though I can't stand that trendy term, or MILF, etc.).

Here's a good definition from Urban Dictionary:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cougar

"Hot and sexy older woman, usually in her 40s or 50s, single or married, who is sick of her same-age counterparts which are usually hairless, have big guts, who only talk about their insurance premiums and have the TV remote control attached to their hands. Cougars are attractive, in their sexual prime, who know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. BIG misconception is that they dress cheap, wear hot pink nail polish, animal skin prints and are not-so-attractive old-looking hags with bleached hair (Yeah those women exist, but they are NOT cougars). True cougars are classy, beautiful creatures who have made their successes on their own, have real brains, usually with expensive cars/homes, and are real head turners. Cougars seek younger men, and don't have to sneak up and attack...they know their younger mates are eager to get an experienced woman who won't ask if they'll call them the next day. Being a cougar is a positive thing."

27 and 19? LOL...that's only an 8 year difference! Her age doesn't seem to be the issue; her trashiness does. Hopefully she's on some sort of birth control and he suits up.

[elleng]

17. Difficult as it appears, I'd stay out of it.

He's young, and is 'entitled' to be hurt at least once; that's life.

:hi:

[Chan790]

18. MYOB.

Seriously. It's none of your business and being able to remember 19, one of the key qualifiers on who I dated was my mother had to fucking loathe them...it's part of being away from home for the first time and cutting the apron strings and growing up.

No good will come of not staying out of it.

Hell, I did a lot worse than date a 27 year old grocery-bagger.

[blueamy66]

21. Sorry, but I don't think it's not my fiance's business.

He's his Dad for fuck sake.

I'm not prying...his Dad hasn't pried...I was just asking for a bit of advice.

I DO think his Dad should speak to him....that's what family is for, ya know?

On edit: Would you like your 19 yr old son dating a chick who posts pics of herself with the words "I Fuck With Flair" on the bottom? I think not.

[PassingFair]

35. Pre-Facebook, this wouldn't even have been an issue.

Put up a poll.

A LARGE majority will probably vote that
you stay OUT of his business.

[Chan790]

42. Honestly,

I'm not the best person to ask that question...I used to be a professional dominant and I am a sex blogger. I'm basically a more literary (and male) version of Ms. "I fuck with flair". I'd totally have no issue with any of my imaginary progeny dating anybody as sexually-open as I am.

I'm not saying that Dad shouldn't speak to him (mostly because I think y'all won't be deterred anyways) but that one shouldn't expect a positive outcome from doing so...at some point, you've got to accept you aren't going to like many decisions your 18-24 year old makes and that mostly you don't get a say because it's not your life & they're not ready to accept yet that you might not be an idiot and have some life-experience worth paying attention to. (It happens around 25 in my experience) Let's be honest about what this is: It's boundary-testing, life-experience gathering, self-discovery stuff for him (think bigger toddlers...toddlers ignore "advice" too)...you're only going to get one bite at this apple in regards to having a talk about it anyways before you get tuned-out and that one time probably should be saved for an actual issue (like the one where my youngest brother was making advance plans to drop out of college to live in a van and follow his stage actress g/f town-to-town on her traveling-cast tour of a Tennessee Williams play.)

Honestly, they're going to be twenty-somethings. There will be sex you'd rather not think about and in a few months they'll part ways. Not worth getting involved if you don't want to be ignored or have the next bad-idea romance hidden from you.

(Also, no, I don't think that is what family is for.)

[blueamy66]

45. Thanks for the post.

There was alot of information there for us.

:-)

[Kali]

22. he's 19

he is going to need to learn some stuff about life - let it happen now (while he has no property to lose)

he will be OK, we all mostly were when we did these things

leave it alone

[JVS]

23. I'd give him a talk similar to what I'd tell a 19 year old woman dating a 27 year old.

Explain to him that sometimes more experienced people like to choose younger partners because they are less experienced in relationships and thus at a disadvantage when it comes to making sure that they're being treated fairly.

[blueamy66]

25. Thanks for the advice.

This is what I would like his Dad to tell him.

I just want his Dad to let him know that he cares about him and that he's there for him if he needs him.

[JVS]

26. Yeah. Let him know that he has supportive family and not to let himself get jerked around.

[seabeyond]

27. tell him not to become emotionally attached, enjoy the play, dont expect a whole hell of a lot

and let him do his thing

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[dawg]

30. I thought I was an adult when I was 19.

Ha! I was wrong!

Others may be different, of course, but I was still just a kid.

[Iggo]

31. Yes, you should stay out of it. (n/t)

[distantearlywarning]

33. Stay out of it.

Interference will just cause him to dig his heels in harder. Let him figure it out about her on his own.

[PVnRT]

38. He's 19, looking to fuck, and found a 27-year-old he thinks is hot

Yep, sounds like 19 to me. They'll have fun for a few months, then it will be over. Stay out of it unless there's some actual evidence that she's stealing from him or abusing him in some way. He's 19, for crying out loud.

[Deep13]

40. Stay out, but she'll likely dump him.

Not necessarily, but the age difference is enough that long-term compatability may be problematic.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

41. stay out of it. it will fizzle on its own. n/t

[pitohui]

43. where;s the cougar?

a cougar is a woman in her 40s who can buy a younger man not a young woman of 27 who is essentially dating a peer

yes, kids that age are immature and post stupid things sometimes on facebook, who cares

in any case, unless you are the cougar somehow, you should stay out of it, for that matter, if you ARE the cougar to a stepson to be, it';s time to change states and maybe even countries to stay out of it

[blueamy66]

47. What????

His friends are the ones calling her a cougar.

Um, I'm in my 40s and am not dating my stepson. Holy shit. Where the hell did that come from?

[JanMichael]

49. Do yourself a favor

and don't pay attention to that. I mean, really *don't pay attention to that* OK?

cue "Twilight Zone" music......

[JonLP24]

46. I would stay out of it

[blueamy66]

48. I am staying out of it.

I just care about the kid and don't want him to get hurt.

And I'm done....thanks to all that offered advice.

[JonLP24]

50. I understand

I probably shouldn't of said anything as I don't have a clear picture of the situation at all.

I was actually thinking about myself when I made that post. I was 18 when I met a woman who was 27, we ended up getting married 3 years later. I don't believe we were much different when it came to maturity and she said herself that she felt I was more mature than some 30+ year olds she knew. The marriage didn't last but I don't think it was an age difference that caused it. It was a lot of financial stress and if I could change the day we split up we'd easily still be together. We're still friends and talk. I went shopping(that is her favorite hobby) with her not too long ago. I was thinking about the age difference when I made that post because it is almost similar to mine. Everyone is different though, he could be too immature or she could be toxic.

However I think you should do what you feel is right. Just know if it isn't her, someone else could break his heart and I don't think age has a lot to do with that.

[Keith Bee]

51. "My 19 year old, soon to be stepson....."

Your 19-year-old? Soon-to-be stepson? Okay, let's see if I've got this straight: He's your fiancee's biological child, not yours. And yet, you're thinking about "protecting" him from this "evil cougar" (who isn't even a cougar at 27 years of age).

I am really suspicious of your motives, lady!

[blueamy66]

58. And you're sick.

Read the entire thread.

And then seek mental help.

[bigwillq]

52. He's a big boy.

He can handle this on his own. Stay out of it, unless he asks your opinion or for advice.
He very well may get hurt, but it'll be a learning experience. He'll be stronger for it.

[Lyric]

53. I was 19 and met a 32 year old woman online.

We're still blissfully happy together 12 years later. My Mom was "concerned" too--and I told her in no uncertain terms to mind her own beeswax. The fact of the matter was that I was an adult, and although I appreciated her concern for me and her advice, my love life was my business and mine alone. I came from a poor, rural family and my partner was a tattooed goth lady who loved vampires, comic books, and heavy metal--my Mom was completely freaked out. But here we are 12 years later, and Mom loves my partner deeply and considers her another daughter.

If you suspect abuse, by all means get involved. If you have evidence that she's swindling him or otherwise scamming him, bring it to his attention. Be supportive and give advice when it's asked for. But from someone who's been in a situation similar to your stepson's...respect his choice. It's his life, and he only gets to be young once. Who knows? In 12 years, you might find yourself loving her like a daughter and laughing at how freaked out you were about her before you really knew her. :)

[blueamy66]

59. Thx Lyric

I'll take your advice to heart.

[Lil Missy]

55. MYOB

[LibDemAlways]

57. I have to laugh at the strict definitions of "cougar" being

bandied about here. My daughter just turned 18 and the day she did, she let her still 17-year-old male friend (jokingly) know she was now a "cougar"!

Anyhow, as a parent I totally understand where you are coming from. I wouldn't be happy in your situation, either. However, it's his life and he's going to have to live it as he sees fit. All his dad can do is convey that he is supportive and will be there for him no matter what. Chances are he'll soon move on. He's still young and will probably have many girlfriends before he meets "the one." In the meantime, relax. It isn't worth stressing over.

[blueamy66]

60. You're right.

It's just that he's been in my life for 9 years now and I've watched him grow up to be a great young man and I do care about him.

I will relax and let Dad do whatever Dad sees fit.

[TZ]

62. LOL at the assumptions that its the older person thats trouble

I know someone who at age 38 was dating a 19 year old. She broke it off after she found out the NINETEEN year old was cheating on her with her own cousin.
I think you should just back off and quit making assumptions about someone you don't really know. He's an adult and needs to live his own life and if necessary make his own mistakes.
I know that interference from my parents into sibling relationships almost destroyed some relationships in the family. But hey, want to alienate him from you, go right ahead.

[dawg]

63. I think you are really sweet for being so concerned and I am shocked ...

at some of the replies to this thread.

I have an 18 year-old son, and he is very sweet and vulnerable and innocent. You are right to be worried. There isn't much you can do but tell his Dad how you feel, but you are right to be worried. It shows concern.

Thanks for being the type of woman who cares.