Serious question in ref to the ex

[xmas74]

(For those who don't know me, I used to be a regular poster here who decided it was best to take a two year break. I'm back but I'm slowing down on my posts, just to stay sane.)

Back story:
My child's father abandoned us while I was still pregnant. He's had almost no contact since then, with only an occasional threatening phone call to me every few years. He saw his child exactly once nearly eleven years ago and that was in passing at a gas station. (I was inside paying for gas, he walked in to buy something, looked over at her and then walked away-without saying a word.) She wants no contact with her father.

Today: I receive a friend request on Facebook from him, out of the blue along with a message. He says he now wants weekly updates on her and wants copies of pictures of her from birth on. He also said he wants regular visits, including every other weekend, holidays, and vacations out of state. As of this time I'm ignoring his friend request and am sitting on the information. Last time I spoke with my child about seeing her father she cried and said she never wanted to see him.

Advice please about what to do. Should I open the lines of communication since he is her father? (He was very abusive during the relationship, both physically and emotionally.) Do I ignore him? Do I seek legal advice? Technically, he has visitation rights but never once used them. He only recently began paying child support, after he was charged with felony nonsupport. (It's not the full amount he's expected to pay, though.)

Any suggestions?

[seabeyond]

1. sounds like you have not had interaction with him for 12 yrs. you dont know who or what he has

become in those 12 yrs. it sounds like he sorely lacks in character, 12 yrs missing and the one occassion ignoring daughter. not too impressed with him as a person. i would wait for him to make it a court situation but in the meantime i would try to get the info on him. what he has been doing last 12 yrs. kind of person he is. ect.... being prepared when walking into court.... showing unfit and not around ect...

[xmas74]

2. On his page the only information given is

that he is now disabled and his high school/college information. There is nothing else. The account is completely blank, not even a picture.

I think it's a disposable account just to keep track of us.

[Lars39]

3. So from no interest whatsoever he wants out of state vacations?

He'll no. That's a red flag to me. Has he been paying child support all these years?

[xmas74]

4. Just recently.

He had a case against him for felony nonsupport and he took a plea, since he was nearly 30 grand in arrears and he knew they had him. He pays only a very small amount-$125 a month-since he's now on disability (supposedly-he tends to play games)and the plea involved him for that amount. Supposedly they will allow him to pay up to eighteen years and then stop, not worrying about the arrears still owed.

No way he's taking vacations with my kid.

[rug]

5. He's in no position to demand anything.

Fuck 'im.

Let him explain to a judge what he's been doing the last dozen years.

Meanwhile, read up on your rights.

http://www.moga.mo.gov/statutes/c400-499/4520000375.htm

[xmas74]

7. Thank you.

It's such a touchy subject and I'm always worried that I'll make a wrong move.

[Bunny]

6. Call a lawyer, first thing Monday morning.

Don't mess around with this.

[xmas74]

8. That's what I thought

but I was afraid I was overreacting a bit. I'm worried he'll try to take her out of school without me knowing about it. I cannot allow that to happen, even though the school district said there is nothing they could do to stop him.

[Tikki]

19. There is something you and the District can do if you..

have a court order.

There are names on a court order that specifically can NOT see our grandson
without his custodial parent's prior permission.

Call lawyer Monday, please.


Tikki

[xmas74]

20. I'll call.

Our court order is just about custody, visitation, and child support. There are no stipulations.

Our local school district informed a coworker last year unless she had a restraining order against her ex he could take the kids out of school and they didn't have to contact her about it. It's pretty messed up. I've steered around it by purposely not putting his name on her enrollment papers every year. They've sent me letters home about the lack of information but I've ignored it. Last fall they asked my daughter for her father's information. She gave them his name but said she didn't know where he lived.

[TuxedoKat]

74. Ask some of your friends

if they know a good family lawyer. Or if you know someone who is practicing any type of law, especially if they are good in their field of law, ask them for recommendations for family lawyers.

[Supply Side Jesus]

10. yup...let him sue for visitation.

if he is serious he'll go through with it. I don't think he is. He was feeling a bit grandiose, I'm sure it'll pass.

[xmas74]

17. He wants to see if he can still scare me,

I guess, like the good old days. He won-I'm scared.

[mentalsolstice]

9. I would block him on FaceBook

And you should speak to an attorney.

[xmas74]

11. I figured that I would

need to speak with an attorney. I'm not sure if I should block him or use access to his page as a possible source of information. I've had no information about him in years so I don't even know where he lives.

[betharina]

41. you might want to block him if you viewed his profile.

i'm not sure if it still happens, there used to be a notice when you got a friend request if you viewed their profile they would have access to your page. just fyi.

[xmas74]

54. Thank you.

I'll have to look into that.

[petronius]

12. Have no contact with him, and consult an attorney first thing

It doesn't seem like the kind of thing where you want to guess, or wait, or rely on internet advice. It very easily could be nothing, and he's just posturing and being a dick, but it isn't worth the risk of doing nothing. And definitely don't try to be nice to him in any way - daughter first, then you, and to hell with him...

[xmas74]

15. It's always my kid first.

What I'm worried about is that he does have visitation rights and I could be held in contempt for not allowing it. I'm also worried about him playing games if I don't at least string him along a bit. When we were together he once hotlined a coworker because he was mad. The coworker was a good mother who had done nothing to her children-he was just mad and wanted to get back at her in a way that would hurt her the most. She had an investigator in her home because of him.

With him that's just the start of what he'll do. I asked what to do on here because irl people are telling me to accept his friend request and keep tabs on him. They're also telling me he's harmless. Something just didn't sit right with that so I thought I'd get someone impartial and see if I'm taking this too far.

[RebelOne]

13. If your child does not want to see him,

I would definitely ignore him. Just take the child support.

[xmas74]

16. I think I'll have to speak with an attorney.

He does have visitation rights and he could force the issue.

[RebelOne]

42. But the child cannot be forced into visitation. n/t

[xmas74]

55. Is that true?

A friend recently divorced. Her eleven year old said he didn't want to see his father on the weekends. This was presented to the judge and they were informed that she would have to take him to his father's every weekend until he turned thirteen. Once he turns thirteen they can bring it back to court. She was informed that if she didn't take him to his father's house she could be held in violation of a court order.

[Indi Guy]

14. Does he have alcohol and/or drug issues?

???

[xmas74]

18. I don't know.

We have no contact and haven't for years.

He has anger management issues, if that counts for anything. He's an abuser of women.

[Indi Guy]

23. Well, the most important part of this equation is obviously your child...

Barring some extraordinary proof that this person has dramatically altered his life, you must keep him from your child; but it may be time for a face-to-face with him -- to get a sense of his motives.

Maybe arrange a meeting with him in a very public place (& get there early so he doesn't see where you park) -- a popular bar/restaurant might be good ...if he's got a drinking problem, it might show up there.

Before the meeting you might want to let him know that you're not going to agree to anything -- you just want to get an idea of where he's coming from (and regardless of how the meeting goes, be sure that he's left the property in his vehicle before you get in yours.

...just an idea.

[xmas74]

26. I tried this once before

and he stood me up. He wanted to see me alone and I refused.

This was when they first issued the warrant for the felony nonsupport a couple of years ago.

[Indi Guy]

34. Well, since he's expressed an interest in your daughter's life...

...it seems that he has allot to lose by standing you up again. Why not try it again (I'm guessing that you want to get as close to this guy as is safe -- to see what's making him tick)?

[xmas74]

56. That is some of the interest.

I want to know exactly what game he is playing.

[mulsh]

21. Serious responce - talk to a lawyer in your state. a family law specialist

Seriously. getting suggestions from strangers on line can get you some ideas but only someone as knowledgeable as a local family law lawyer can give you any really good guidance the is pertinent where you live.

From what you've written it sounds to me like you and your daughter should avoid this person as much as possible.

btw I remember you from years ago, welcome back, hope you stick around and good luck with the ex.

[xmas74]

24. Thank you for remembering me!

The advice I was receiving from others just didn't feel right. It's instinct for me to avoid him but others were saying that she should have supervised visitation with him. She wants nothing from him now (she's almost eleven-he left when I was three months pregnant).

I'll contact someone asap but I wanted a bit of reassurance that I wasn't overreacting.

[Iggo]

22. My reply, in song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

[xmas74]

27. If this were facebook I'd click "like". nt

[hobbit709]

25. Run away, screaming loudly!

[xmas74]

28. I want to

but I'm worried about what if it's time to actually stand up to him?

[hobbit709]

30. If you need to ask yourself that question

Then it's definitely time.

[xmas74]

32. My child comes first

but he's had me living in fear for far too long. He was abusive while together and I've tried to hide from him in the past.

Maybe it's time to call his bluff, but I want to be sure my child is protected first.

[hobbit709]

33. You're not protecting the child by letting him near.

If he's abusive to you what stops him from being abusive to the kid?

[xmas74]

57. That is also true.

Of course, he's never been around her so I don't know how he'd act around her. IMO, it would eventually be the same as he treated me but others have argued with me, stating that I shouldn't hold "our issues" against him.

[hobbit709]

58. Screw that advice

As someone growing up with abuse, I can say get away and stay away. If it was done once, it will done twice, if it's done twice it will keep repeating. Anybody telling you otherwise doesn't know diddly-squat about abuse.

[xmas74]

59. That's what I tend to think

but I'm always afraid that maybe it really IS just me that he hates and wants to hurt. I'm afraid that maybe keeping them apart is really hurting her.

[hobbit709]

62. It's not you.

That's part of the bs with abuse, to make the victim feel like they deserve it somehow.
Get you a lawyer and some counseling NOW.

[panader0]

29. I'm pretty sure that one year without contact is legal

abandonment. He'll have to go to court, and that'll involve child support payments.
My ex-wife left me with four kids, three of which were under three years old, and the fourth was hers by a previous relationship.
She showed up 10 months later. She has paid me child support for 15 years, just today I signed papers to stop payments.

[xmas74]

31. He was convicted of felony nonsupport.

He's on unsupervised probation for five years and has served 18 months so far. He pays a very low amount, which the court approved. (About $125 a month, though some months go as high as $150.)

I tried to rescind his rights years ago but was denied in court.

[Grey]

35. If you do meet him is there any way

you could have a friend video or tape the meeting? Possibly a camera phone? Just in case he becomes abusive.

[xmas74]

45. I won't go alone

if I meet him. I can't go alone. And a meeting would be in a public place.

[Gormy Cuss]

36. Hi xmas74!

I remember you.:hi:

I agree with the others above who say talk to a lawyer -- plese don't engage him in anyway until you have legal advice.

[xmas74]

46. Thank you!

And hi to you too!:hi:

[struggle4progress]

37. Listen to the folk telling you to discuss it with an attorney

Do it ASAP. Do not do not do not get sucked into any games with the ex.

Talk to the attorney about the abuse history, threatening calls, history of nonvisitation, history of nonsupport. BE VERY HONEST AND ACCURATE: if this somehow ends up in court, credibility will matter -- you won't want to say "He hasn't seen the child in eleven years" if he actually visited her two or three times that you had somehow forgotten

I don't know anything about Facebook but in your position I might try to figure out how to disappear him from my Facebook without him knowing it -- or better, maybe even just lose interest in Facebook. BUT first see what the lawyer tells you. If ex has been calling regularly and you've been hanging up on him, it might be a different ball of wax than if he calls twice a year just to shout and sent you a single Facebook friend request

[xmas74]

47. There have been no visits.

Zero. He never really wanted them before. He doesn't even know what she looks like.

The history of nonsupport is documented in the courts, since he was convicted of it.

I have him on ignore for now with Facebook but I won't log off. My family all over the world communicates through our pages. It wouldn't be fair if I had to run and hide once again.

I've never hung up on his call. Of course, he attempts to paint me in a bad light.

[struggle4progress]

64. I really wasn't suggesting anything about your own behavior: I was merely trying to indicate

that if you finally end in court, it will be much to your advantage to have credibility -- and credibility is too easily lost and once lost not easily regained: so be as factually accurate as you can be

[EFerrari]

38. An abusive father is not better than an absent father, imo.

You might call the DA's office and ask if they have resources for your situation. Maybe they have a list of lawyers that can help you either for free or for low fee and they might have some checklist for your safety.

[xmas74]

48. I'll try that. nt

[BlueIris]

39. He had his shot and blew it. And I don't buy that "since he is her 'father,'" he's entitled.

He might have been entitled to access if he's been a) a safe person for the two of you to be around, b) motivated by enough empathy or love for the child to participate in her life in a constructive way and c) paid child support like a normal person.

If your real question is "Does he want to see her, for meaningful, humane reasons?" my answer is obviously no. He's an abusive control freak who now feels that you're obligated to fork over personal information because the state made him pay a little of the money he owes his child. He's an asshole who would be damaging to you and your kid.

Also, yes, I'd be seeking legal advice. I'd get rid of your Facebook account. I'd also consider not posting about this stuff here. Online postings can be used by attorneys and others as evidence of just about anything. Don't give him any ammo against you and don't give him any excuses to hang on, continuing to demand access. Abusers live for control.

[xmas74]

49. He hasn't figured out my account on here

so I'm ok here for now. The facebook page has privacy protection so he can't see any of my info on there-he found my name from a classmate's account. I'll permanently block him shortly.

He was an abuser while we were together and I'm sure his mentality hasn't changed. He says his therapist is encouraging him to build a relationship with his child so he's "following doctor's orders".

In the end, I'll have to deal with him for good. For now, I'm just not quite sure the first step to take.

[BlueIris]

66. Gross.

The man you describe is a parasite.

FWIW, I really think Facebook is a bad idea for you, or anyone, who has a predator like this in her past.

[LibertyLover]

40. First thing to do is contact a family law attorney

and the second is to unfriend him from Facebook. It sounds to me as if your daughter is 11 or 12. Depending on the state, if this does go before a judge, the court will often take into account the child's requests. I am my husband 2nd wife. He had 2 children with his first wife and was awarded visitation rights as part of their divorce settlement. For a few years the children and he visited. However, once the kids were roughly early teens he was not able to purchase them the expensive trinkets they wanted so they told their mother they didn't want to see him anymore. The dispute first went to before a social worker (Allegedly the &&%#@$%#@ told him that he should give them what they wanted - that caused problems for me years later when we were in the process of adopting our daughter. We had everything done except the interview with the social worker and he told me that he couldn't do it because of what had happened during his divorce. Luckily for me his daughter turned 21 and got back in touch with him and he agreed to do the interview with the social worker. We successfully adopted our daughter 7 years ago.) and then went before a master. The master interviewed the kids who said they didn't want to see him anymore and then he terminated the visitation rights. Your daughter may not have to have anything to do with your ex.

[xmas74]

51. She'll be eleven in a couple of months.

I was informed in the past that in my state twelve is good but thirteen is better. (Meaning-some judges will take into advisement the word of a twelve year old but that thirteen is the "magic" age that they will really listen.)

At this stage of the game we're playing a waiting game. The game is just holding him off until she's old enough to go in front of a judge and give her statement. She gave a victim's impact statement a couple of years ago in ref to the nonsupport. In her statement she said she never wanted to see him again.

[noamnety]

43. Another voice for seeing an attorney.

I would also put the attorney in charge of all contacts.

I found for myself that having friends of the court handle all contact over child support greatly reduced my stress level, and as a result made for a better environment for my kid. It was a way to emotionally distance myself from the situation. I'm not a big fan of drama and just didn't want to get caught up in whatever issues he was dealing with. Cutting off direct contact/arguments over the biggest of those issues was a blessing for me.

[Demoiselle]

44. What noamnety said....

[xmas74]

52. Thank you. nt

[Curmudgeoness]

50. Asking you for all of these things on FB is not exactly a legal demand.

Ignore his friend request. Ignore the message. Let him get a lawyer and start working this in the courts before you do anything. I am not sure I would even spend money on a lawyer until you get something legal.

[xmas74]

53. I've thought of that too.

Make him make the first move.

It's not that I'd give him anything from his FB demands but I am worried that he is trying to set a precedence by stating that the only way he can contact me is via social media such as FB.

[elleng]

61. No precedent thereby, imo,

but speaking with a good attorney will help your emotional situation in addition to clarifying your rights and obligations; I know, saw mine yesterday.

Best of luck.

:hi:

[Curmudgeoness]

65. FB should not be the only way to contact you.

Does he not know where you live? Where any family lives? If he gets serious, and you are hard to find, he can get a private investigator who will find you in no time, then he would be able to serve court papers. One thing though, I have a feeling that he may be close to getting serious. It is either that, or he is trying to freak you out with that message. But be prepared, just in case. Good luck. This is a terrible situation.

[Lil Missy]

60. Tell him to have his lawyer contact you. Or plan b, just ignore him.

[Recovered Repug]

63. Did he mention why he wanted to get involved now?

It seems that something has obviously changed (for better or worse) and that may be a factor to consider. I would still find a lawyer to handle it, but maybe there is more than meets the eye.

[Dappleganger]

67. Yes, ignore him.

The only communication you should have with someone like that is through your attorneys.

[burrfoot]

68. Serious answer....please be careful with this.

Everyone who has suggested talking to a lawyer immediately is right. It's true that he may be blowing smoke and just trying to scare you, but the potential for problems if he is serious is significant.

I know you mentioned that the court order grants him visitation. Does it grant shared custody, or does it stipulate that you have sole custody? I only ask because if you have sole custody, you may want to consider making a photocopy of the order and providing it to your daughter's school. Visitation does NOT automatically give him the right to go pick her up from school, but custody issues are confusing and often difficult for school staff to keep straight, plus it can be hard for whoever is at the front desk to tell a parent that they can't see their daughter if he's there demanding it...but if you make a point to be very clear about it with the principle and the guidance office staff, and ask them to let the other relevant staff know (i.e. the registrar, the people who work the office desk, etc.); and if they actually have a copy of the court order they can show him; then they're on much better footing. Even if you don't think he's likely to show up at the school, I promise you it won't hurt to make sure they know the story regarding your daughter's custody. Even the most belligerent parent tends to back off if there's a court order in front of them and they know they're in the wrong. At the very least, it might make you feel a little more comfortable if you know that they're on the lookout.

Also, I would suggest that you actually NOT block or defriend him on Facebook. Personally, I would recommend accepting the friend request and printing out any messages he sends you (if he does), so you can bring them to court if necessary. Also, if you do communicate with him via FB or any other way, make a point to state- repeatedly, and in writing (FB, email, a certified letter) that you understand that he is allowed visitation by the court and you are not preventing this, you are simply waiting until you can contact a lawyer to ensure that everything is being done properly and you both have a correct understanding of your rights.

Not that you necessarily would, but don't bring up the child support or the lack of it, or the fact that he's not being held accountable for the arrears. Make a point to be VERY polite and VERY clear about what you say. Whatever provocation or intimidation he offers, do not respond in kind, and again if it's in print or electronic, make copies of it for court.

Also, although this may seem extreme, I would suggest asking DU mods to delete this thread. I mean that very seriously. Neither you nor anyone else here has said anything inappropriate in my mind, but if he's serious about this and he's looking to make trouble, he or his lawyer could bring this thread up and put a negative spin on it. I know that may seem unlikely, but the way you described the very specific things he's asked for- not just "I want visits" but I want pictures, updates, weekends, holidays, out of state....that sounds to me like it's very intentional, like there's a plan behind it.

If he calls and wants to speak to her- and I know this might be very difficult- I would advise you to put her on the phone with him. Even if she only talks for a minute- or even if she listens but doesn't speak at all- you really can't afford to do anything that makes it look like you're keeping her from him; because it can be twisted and used against you. And painful as it may be, I would at least put together a set of pictures for him, so that if things become more serious you can give them to him.

The basic idea here is that you want to think of the worst case scenario- he actually takes you to court- and you want the judge and all the lawyers to be able to see that despite the way he treated you in the past and the indifference for the past decade plus, YOU were NOTHING but polite and cooperative. You certainly don't have to give in to all his demands, but if you hold something back that he's entitled to by order of the court you should have very specific reasons laid out for doing so, and you should communicate them to him clearly. Again, do it in writing, if at all possible.

If you really believe it would be traumatic for your daughter to see him, think about having her to go a couple of counseling sessions. The testimony of a counselor in court is one of the only things (barring gross negligence or abuse) that will quickly end or change an order that allows visitation.

I know I've gone on and on here, and it may sound alarmist, and if so I apologize. I've been working with kids and families as a social worker/case manager in the dependency system (foster care, relative care, group homes, etc) for about 8 years now and I have seen a LOT of custody fights, and I've spent a lot of time in court on these cases both in NY and in FL. While I don't know what your local laws may be, I do know how this plays out and the things I've told you above are what I would tell any parent I worked with. I have also seen some very unfortunate things happen when a parent becomes involved again after so long, especially if they don't genuinely have the child's best interest at heart- the potential for him to seriously screw your and your daughter's life up is astronomical.

PLEASE contact an attorney. Let me make it very clear that I'm not defending him or the kind of person/parent/father he is in any way by suggesting that you work with him to some degree; I just know that there are a LOT of pitfalls in this area and you really, really, should at the very least discuss this with a lawyer. It's much harder for him to twist and turn things against you if you can point out that you were receiving legal counsel from the get go. Also, if he knows you're talking to a lawyer and this whole getting-back-in-touch thing really is more hot air than anything else, then just knowing that might make him more likely to back off or give up.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

[quakerboy]

69. Lawyer up

Thats first. Find out exactly what you are legally required to do. You don't owe nor can you be forced to do one iota more than that. Then explore what can be done to reduce what you are legally required to do.

That said, depending on what the law says, he may be able to force visitation. I dunno the situation. But I feel pretty safe in saying he has no right to demand any info from you, pictures, updates, or any contact beyond what might be required to safely and consistently accomplish whatever visitation might be legally required.


Right now we are dealing with a similar situation with a family member. She is 18, but mentally handicapped. Her father sees no reason why he shouldn't have contact with her on his terms. He's out of prison and reformed, ya see, and that public defender, well ya get what you pay for. Never mind he actually got on "cops" the last time. Never mind that the abuse was bad enough her mom still, 16 years later, can't sleep in a bed, nor take her shoes off at night. Never mind that in that 16 years he has not indicated even an ounce of interest in her, preferring to lavish gifts on his son instead, only turning to her when that son borrowed money and then skipped town.

And worst is her aunt pushing her into it. Its her father you see, and that's and important thing for a girl.

No. That ain't shit. The law puts us in some distasteful situations sometimes. And we have to deal with those. But putting yourself in harms way due to some genetic connection is a waste of life.

In the end, we settled on supervised visitation. He gets to pay a social worker to provide an experienced supervisor for any visitation. Limited times, she gets to decide what topics are off limits before any visits, etc. It was all set out. As soon as he realized he wasn't going to get a free ride to poison her mind, not a word more about visitation. I dunno if that would be applicable for you, but if you are looking at visitation rather than shared custody, then it might be something to look into.

[hayu_lol]

70. Lawyer up immediately...

set the attorney up to handle all requests for communication/meeting for you...no direct contact except through the attorney.

[MissHoneychurch]

71. Hey xmas

:hug: :hug:

Good to see you.

I read most of the responses to you thread. I think you got quite some good advice.
Don't let him near your daughter. Whatever he wants, nothing good will come out of this.

[xmas74]

78. Hey sweetie!

I miss you on FB all the time!

You've heard some of the stories about him and how he acts. This isn't helping the situation at all.

[msanthrope]

72. GET A LAWYER!!!!!!!

Do not speak to him or his representative on the phone--everything in writing. If your child has a Facebook page, delete it. A cell phone? Change the number.

Now, this is NOT legal advice. No. You MUST get your own lawyer for legal advice.

If your situtation were given to me in a hypothetical, I would suggest to you that upon being charged with felony nonsupport, your ex decided to consult 'legal services.' These legal services may or may not have been a lawyer, a bartender, or his current wife.

He is pursuing a legal strategy. As in, if you keep asking for money, he's gonna pursue visitation, to piss you off. This is a common tactic, and he's betting that if he keeps being intrusive, you will stop asking for cash. Mothers are faced with this situation all the time--trading custody for support. Keep your cool.

If he has visitation rights, then you need to have them modified---your child is old enough at this point to have a say in the matter. (Just read upthread she's 10. Okay--that will keep her from going out-of-state, probably. Might not block all visitation if he pursues it) Also, given that your child has never been alone with him, supervised visits if he insists on having any visitation at all.

This is common--don't lose your cool, and since the fucker made you wait for over a decade for child support, you don't have to jump the gun to get back to him. But get a lawyer.

I also read upthread that he now claims that he's following 'doctor's orders?' Smells like utter fucking bullshit to me. Keep a record of said message. Could be useful down the pike.

[NV Whino]

73. First

1. Lawyer. Do not contact him directly. All contact through your lawyer and in writing.
2. Restraining order (the advice about the school was excellent. follow it)
3. Ultimately, it will be up to you daughter if she wants to see him.

And then, really, have this thread deleted.

[Lyric]

75. Your situation is not unique. It happened to me too.

My ex abandoned me when I was pregnant, too. He's NEVER seen our son, except in pictures when he was still a baby--not by my choice, but by his. I spent years grieving, wondering what happened, wondering how the HELL I could have been so blind and stupid. He left us in poverty in a trailer, inherited a fortune from his grandparents (literally), and moved away to another country. He tells his family that our son isn't "his"--not because he actually believes such a ridiculous thing, but because he needed a good reason to justify abandoning the child. And since he lives overseas, there is NOTHING I can do to pursue him. I can't get a child support order without a paternity test (since we weren't married--just engaged), and I can't get THAT unless he moves back to the States. I've written to everyone I can think of--the State Dept., the Bureau of Child Support Enforcement, the Hague Convention, even Australia's counterpart to our child support enforcement agencies. Nobody can help me. The only thing they say is that I'd have to hire an Australian lawyer to pursue it for me there...as if I can afford THAT.

It's not so much about the money (although considering how poor we are and how well-off HE is, that part is particularly hurtful). More than anything, though, it's about the shame--the humiliation and unfairness of being branded a whore and a cheater (even though I wasn't) just because that was the most convenient excuse he could think of to absolve himself in the eyes of his family and friends. And all of them (except for his sister, who has at least acknowledged LyricKid as her nephew, even if she never calls or visits) just went right along with it. They never ONCE questioned why, if he thought the baby wasn't his, he didn't at least make the effort to find out for SURE. That's what a normal, conscientious person would do. We were together exclusively for quite a while; even if I were the biggest whore in town (which I wasn't--I never touched another man), there would still have been a very good CHANCE that the baby was his. They never even bothered to ask why--they just believed him. There's no way that a man can just psychically KNOW that the baby of his fiancee, with whom he's been having regular sexual relations, isn't "his". But that's what he claimed.

But that's my trauma. It's not even really about me, not now. Eric knows that LyricKid is his son, even if he lies to everyone else about it. No, the pain that won't EVER seem to heal is about our little boy--our son who's about to turn 11, asking me questions, wanting answers that I simply don't have. I don't KNOW why he did what he did. I can understand wanting to end his relationship with me; nobody owes their love or life to anyone else. If he didn't want to be with me anymore, that's his choice. But why he abandoned his son? I have no idea. He was a good father to his older daughter from another relationship. He told me he WANTED a baby...he ASKED for it. I had no clue that he would ever do something as heinous as this. I was 20 years old at the time--he was 33. I guess I was just stupid and naive.

All that I know is that my son deserves to have two names on his birth certificate. He deserves to be supported by BOTH of his parents. And he deserves the opportunity to know both of his parents, even if one of them doesn't want him. Any money I'd get, I'd GLADLY put into an untouchable account for LyricKid to have when he's grown up. I don't want a payday. I just want answers, and I want some vindication. What he did hurt me so much...I've never gotten over it. Never. I just can't believe that someone I loved so much...someone who SEEMED like such a decent, honest person...could be so utterly cruel, without any warning. I thank my lucky stars every DAY that I have Rhythm now, because it took years of her kindness, love, and support to start growing a sense of self-worth again. I'd have been suicidal if not for her.

What's worse is that Eric has something of an internet "presence", so LyricKid has seen recent pictures of him. He came to me so sad..."I saw my Dad. He looks like me. Do you think he'll talk to me?" I don't know what to tell him. I'm afraid that if I let him try, he'll just be hurt again. LyricKid bought his Dad a small gift for Christmas one year (a wallet, with pictures of him put inside of it) and the asshole gave it away to his daughter and threw away the pictures, saying "I'm not his father". I heard this from the mother of his daughter, who is someone I am very close to. I've tried e-mailing him, pleading with him to stop this insanity and at least acknowledge his child, even if he isn't close enough to be a father to him. I never got a response--not even a "No". He just ignored me.

As for your question--all I can tell you is what I've determined to do if that day ever comes. I will tell Eric, "Yes, you can see LyricKid. You can see him as much as you (and he) want." He did a terrible thing to both of us, but that doesn't change the fact that he's LyricKid's father. It's not my place to deny LyricKid the right to know him and judge him for himself. But I won't let LyricKid go to Australia. Eric took his 10-year-old daughter with him when he ran out of the country, and her mother never saw her again until the girl was over 20 years old. He didn't get permission or anything--he just took her. There's no way I'd ever take the chance of that happening again. He can see LyricKid all that he wants, but he'll see him HERE. He can afford to fly back and forth across the world whenever he wants to. We can't.

[BlueIris]

76. What an awful story. I'm terribly sorry your son's "father" is such a monster.

Awful, awful, awful.

I know it's not much and can't offer you any real help, but here's hoping he is visited by the instant karma gods very soon. And that it is a painful and expensive process for him.

[Lyric]

80. You know...what happened to me with him is what I think finally killed any faith that I had.

If there were ANYTHING out there watching over us--God, karma, the collective humanist spirit, whatever--there's no way he'd have escaped the horrible things that he did and in the MANNER that he did. He didn't just get away with it. He got away with it WEALTHY and completely scot-free, no consequences. He now lives a perfectly happy life in sunny south Australia while the people whose lives he wrecked live in poverty and fear back here.

No "god" or "karma" or ANYTHING would have let him do what he did without some kind of consequences. But he didn't lose anything that he didn't WANT to lose.

And I spend every day trying to figure out the best way for two women to teach a little boy how to be a good man. I tell you--that's damned hard when I've known so few of them. The best we can do is to try and teach him to be the opposite of people like his father. And at least so far, it seems to be working...he's probably the best-mannered, kindest, most generous and compassionate child that I've ever known.

:hug:

[raccoon]

82. Sorry this happened to you and your kid. That dude reminds me of my father.

He had a child with a woman he was married to before he married my mother. He gave up parental rights to that child when her mother married another man, claiming that he thought the child wasn't his anyway. Yeah, right.

Just because you share some DNA with somebody doesn't mean you have to like or love them.

[Sky Masterson]

77. I remember you.

I would ignore him. Chances are that he doesn't care enough to force the issue through the courts. And if he did I doubt his case would hold any water.

[LuckyTheDog]

79. Give him the phone number of a lawyer you trust

Let him contact you that way.

[raccoon]

81. I second what some have already suggested: consult a lawyer ASAP.

Document document document everything he posts, anytime he contacts you.

Have a background check run on him, or have the lawyer do it. I doubt he's been a boy scout these past 11-12 years.

[lukasahero]

83. This was made for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ (Sorry, thought you could use a laugh... ;) )

Seriously, though, deny his friend request and call a lawyer. I wouldn't give a moment's consideration for what he "wants" now.

Good luck - call a lawyer.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

84. hey there!

i think you should seek legal advice. he comes in to your life and demands you put in hours of time into him. why?

i would be suspicious of his current desire to become a real parent

[OwnedByFerrets]

85. Ask legal advice. No communications until you get that.