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I'm starting to feel like Barry White now days, always talking about love and stuff, but I just can't help myself. :)
The road is a lonely place. It can be okay if you need to be alone. I know some people do. I was like that until October of last year. After trying to find someone for two years, I just gave up last summer. I needed to get away, but not just for that reason. I had another reason to be out here. I had some demons I had to deal with, and maybe that's why it was so difficult for me to find someone to love.
I'm not sure if I consciously knew what I was doing at first. I just knew that I had to get out of my home town and away from everything and everyone that I knew.
My adventure started out with many stories and pictures from the road. I felt free and happy for the first time in a long time, and I think it showed in my posts here. Even when times were a bit rough, like breaking down in the middle of nowhere, I still found a way to find some humor in the situation and my outlook remained positive. But then the demons came for me.
Most of you know by now that I've had mental health problems in the past. I have religiously taken medication and stayed in treatment for the last seven and a half years, and my life was greatly improved in that time, but I had never really sat down and dealt with some deep seeded issues that I had. When asked about childhood trauma in therapy, I would always reply that there was none. Oh, but there was, and I was too afraid and ashamed to admit it.
My mood started to darken in early fall. I found myself becoming irritable and then angry. Being out here on the road all the time with very little company had made me reflective of my life. That anger about times past had been there all along, but I had pushed it away and denied it.
Then, one night out in the Utah desert, it all came out of me. I knew that I was still mad about some things and I needed to purge the poison. I sat down and wrote the most important story I've ever written. You won't find it here in the lounge. Afterward, I felt spent but relieved. The battle was over and I had won. The demons were defeated.
It still took a little time to get completely over the whole deal. I felt like crap for a month, but I knew I was getting better.
Then one day in October I got an e-mail through a dating site from a woman in Richmond, Indiana. I had abandoned my profile on the site several months before, but the site had matched me with her and she liked what she saw. We hit it off really well. Now I live with that woman and we are engaged to be married. You know her here as Jen.
I have gained something now that is worth everything to me. This truck doesn't mean anything now. All I want to do is spend as much time with Jen as possible. It hurts to be away from her. I'm going to have to do something that is very difficult as far as my career goes, but it is going to be well worth it. I love you, Jen.
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