I'm afraid I'm going to have unrealistic dating expectations.

[dawg]

Seriously.

The Match.com thread really got me thinking. I'm also 43 and will soon be single again. What if I turn out to be too picky for my own good?

I know that I'd want the women I would date to be physically attractive. Not supermodel pretty, just attractive to me. I feel guilty that there are some women who I just would not date based on their looks, but if there is zero spark, why bother? Does that make me superficial? :shrug:

[lukasahero]

1. Everyone wants someone who is attractive to them

I don't think hoping for spark in a relationship is shallow. I do think expecting to only date people who are considerably more attractive than one would deem themself is an easy street to disappointment.

There are soooooooo many guys who complain about the hot blond that won't give them the time of day when they won't even notice the wonderful, if ordinary-looking, woman that's been trying to catch their eye for months. (And the reverse of genders is equally true.)

Of course you should look for spark but if the only place you seek spark is in appearance, you will be missing so much beauty in life. :hug:

[dawg]

2. Appearance is kind of a "threshhold" thing with me ...

If I don't find a woman attractive, well ... I just don't. If I do find her attractive, it doesn't really matter if someone else is "prettier". Once the threshhold is crossed, I would be judging entirely based on other criteria.

(And if I really like someone, they start looking unbelievably gorgeous to me. My (soon to be) ex says I have rose colored glasses, and I think she is right.)

[renegade000]

11. It's exactly the same way with me

Was having a hard time trying to explain that to my friends though when they wanted my opinions with regard to ranking actresses in terms of hotness. I mean, most people they stick on TV or in movies are above my threshold for "attractive", so I find comparisons to be a pointless exercise.

[nickinSTL]

13. interesting. I'm sometimes asked to name

actresses I find attractive.

I find that I don't have much of an opinion on the vast majority of them.

I figure that I don't know them - and never will - and they are therefore irrelevant to me.

That said, there are a select few I find attractive, but for the most part, eh :shrug:

I suspect many of my friends think I'm quite odd in that way.

[dawg]

14. As far as actresses I find physically attractive ....

Well, gee! Almost all of them. Looking good is part of their job.

[Lorien]

3. Great reply

A person can often find love where they least expect it. And as far as appearances go; if you really want someone who is very attractive, then work hard to make yourself very attractive. Like tends to attract like. If an "average looking guy" wants a "fit, slim and attractive" date, then he needs to be prepared to hit the gym regularly and watch what he eats. After a few months he might actually find the woman of his dreams at the very gym he's been frequenting!

Also, don't get too hung up on age. I know happily married couples where the husband is 20 years older than the wife, I also know of a happily married couple where the husband is 28 years YOUNGER than the wife. I have friends in their 20's who aren't physically attractive or healthy, and friends in the 50's who are smoking hot, healthy and energetic. Think that doesn't happen often? Then watch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBE3Q5ip-Gs If a person is too limiting in their descriptions of potential dates on dating websites then they may miss out on the perfect match. Keep the absolutes to things like "no republicans or tea party members."

[dawg]

4. I'm picky about other things too.

Hardcore conservative would probably be a deal breaker. Drug user likewise. Don't really want a smoker, although I would date one if I really liked her and she didn't smell of smoke all the time.

I don't care how much she makes as long as she doesn't expect me to keep her up someday.

I don't want her to have some crazy ex that will be threatening to come kick my ass all the time.

Don't want a stalker.

Don't care if she's taller than me as long as it's ok with her.

A few extra pounds - not a problem. A lot of extra pounds and I start getting superficial and I feel guilty about that.

Damn it! I should have been through thinking about all this 20 years ago. I wish I could've had my "happily ever after."

[noamnety]

5. Just be nice to everyone.

If you're out shopping and find yourself flirting with a woman at the deli, think about if you are being equally friendly to the other workers there, even the ones who are retired, overweight ... you know, the people who are "invisible." You probably aren't going to date them, I know that. But you might be surprised at some of the people you end up being friends with just because you noticed them as people, and some of the people who you initially would have looked right past may end up becoming more attractive to you once you get to know them. Sometimes we just don't notice people at first, and once we start to know them and give them a second closer look, we find that they've become physically attractive to us.

[CreekDog]

20. I think yours is a really good post

I think the looking thing should open you up to all kinds of people, and not just potential mates.

You meet new friends, friends with things in common and those can become lasting friendships. Those commonalities can lead to relationships with them or with their friends.

But the important thing is that meeting new people and bringing them into your life and likewise being a part of their lives will make you a richer person.

And being a richer person, well in terms of being more human, more open, more connected, will probably do more for your dating life than anything else.

Not to mention if you give yourself a chance to see and appreciate the humanity and value in many people as you attempt to find a relationship, you may find attractiveness in places you did not expect.

And you may find that other people will see that and find it attractive as well.

You may be surprised what happens.

(and by "you" i mean the OP")

[dawg]

23. I agree with that.

And I do always try to treat people nice. If anything, I will attempt to overcompensate, because I don't want to be one of those guys who fawns over attractive women.

[Missy Vixen]

6. At least you're asking the question

Seriously. Those I worry about can't delve deeply enough to even consider that they might be asking for too much.

One of my girlfriends was teasing me the other night about my "unrealistic standards". I've been married for a long time. I would rather be alone than spend time with a guy who's not looking for the same things in life, and it has little to do with money or looks. It's all about the person he is.

After reading your posts here, I'm thinking you are not going to have any problem at all finding someone that makes you really happy, and she will consider herself lucky to have been found by you.

[dawg]

7. Thanks, that was sweet.

It's been so long, and I'm so much older now, but maybe some things haven't changed. As a younger man, I was always surprised when a woman I considered attractive showed an interest in me. But it happened nonetheless. Why should it be any different now?

Probably a self-confidence issue on my part. The women I consider two or three notches above me in the looks department may actually be on my level. Thank goodness I project more confidence in person than I actually feel on the inside :)

[Chan790]

8. No...well maybe, but probably not.

Everybody wants to date someone they find attractive and compatible. That's a reasonable want...when you start excluding more than 90% of the single women in your area who would ever consider dating you or start having unreasonable expectations, then you have a problem.

It's about being flexible and realizing that not everybody needs to be attractive in the same way to be attractive to you.

[Lilith Velkor]

9. I feel ya

I prefer FWB to dating, since I'm not monogamous, but I don't know how workable that is for a fat middle-aged autistic broad.

The last guy who gave me benefits was 17 years younger and drop-fucking-dead gorgeous, so he pretty much ruined the curve. Now, I've had fun with guys who were butt-ugly, but in those cases, they were also sexy. So yeah, sparkage is a must.

I think I've said this to you before, but looks do matter to both sexes, and it's nothing to be ashamed about. Trying to bullshit yourself otherwise only leads to sorrow.

[Iggo]

10. Well, if you choose a mold and try to find a woman to fit it...

...my guess is you may be disappointed.

So don't do that.

[dawg]

12. Oh, I don't have a "type" or anything ...

At least not as far as physical features go. I do tend to like women who are sporty and willing to think for themselves. I don't enjoy the company of meek women, although they are very sweet people.

Kindness is a must.

All the rest is pretty variable. The women that I find physically attractive come in all varieties. They don't all look alike or share similar features or anything. Some of them are a little too skinny and don't have enough curves, but I still think they look adorable. Others are carrying a little too much weight, their curves are a little too curvy, but I still think they look hot. Carrying either of those to an extreme is a problem, but anything in moderation can be great. I've really got no preference between blondes, brunettes, and redheads. Tall or short doesn't matter much to me. Taller girls might want to avoid me, but I'm fine with them. (Go ahead and wear your heels. Do you really think I'm dumb enough to believe standing beside a model-sized woman makes me look bad?)

So, I don't really think I'll try to fit women into some kind of preconceived mold. I guess I'm just scared no one attractive will want me, which is just my own insecurity speaking.

[Iggo]

15. Ah, I see what you mean.

Active, smart, and kind. Not a bad list of desirables.

As far as the other thing goes: You want attractive? Be attractive. If looking good is your thing, then look good. If having fun is your thing, then have fun. If there's a certain kind of girl you like, you gotta go where those girls are. (My uncle used to say "If you wanna shit with the big dogs, you gotta go where the big dogs shit"...crude, but it still applies.)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. no, on the other hand if you keep getting rejected by pretty women

acknowledge it as your doing, dont blame a website/women etc for it

[dawg]

17. But it's much more fun to blame the website ...

or the silly, superficial women who can't see what a great guy I am on the inside! :sarcasm:

In all seriousness, I'm not the kind of guy who only goes for extremely pretty women. I certainly don't expect them to be in any better shape than I am. That wouldn't be reasonable.

I would like them to not look way older than me, and I can see that as being a superficial thing that might hold me back. There are some women 10 years older than me that look my age, but there are some who are younger than me but look much older. Just browsing the photos on the dating sites really brings this into focus. Those women couldn't be lying about their real ages, could they? Surely not, no one lies on the internet, right?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. ...

:)

[Kat45]

27. I'm with you on not wanting someone to look way older.

I'm 55 and look about 10 years younger. When I go on the dating sites, it seems that most of the men (in my general age range) look like old guys, and that includes guys younger than me. I'm not proud of myself for thinking this way, but I find it hard to be attracted to someone who looks like an old guy. :shrug:

[Withywindle]

19. There's nothing wrong with that as long as you realize that women are the same way.

I certainly need a spark of physical attraction too. There's a word for people who I like hanging out with but feel no sexual chemistry with: friends! Romantic partners are something else entirely.

It's not really about looks per se. I've known many drop-dead gorgeous people of both genders who didn't trip my wire that way at all. But all the people I've been really hot for have had something striking about them, and also I think on a subliminal animal level, I just liked the way they smelled or something.

Women aren't saints who are more "evolved" in their search for partners or any of that crap. We're mammals just like you guys. I think a lot of guys who take rejection personally tend to forget that.

[dawg]

22. I actually expect to be judged by a harsher standar than I plan to use.

If that doesn't happen, I will be pleasantly surprised. I think I just feel so bad about my breakup that it's poisoning my vision. When I was happily married, I noticed lots of women I considered pretty and felt like I was a reasonably accepting guy when it comes to appearance. Once or twice, I even joked that it would be possible for me to be a real "dawg" (not why I chose that screenname!) because I could find something to be attracted to in just about any reasonably healthy woman near my age range.

Now that my marriage is over, I look around and it seems like all I see are:

1. little girls
2. pretty married women with thier husbands
3. hideous old hags

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that my feelings are coloring my perception of the world. Plus, it's a mystery to me why you women are attracted to *any* of us in the first place, much less me. I'm probably just depressed and selling myself a little short.

[Withywindle]

24. It definitely does sound like you're depressed.

I'm so sorry about the breakup of your marriage. It's hard. It takes a lot out of you. Everything you're feeling is normal and natural, it's a stage of the grieving process and your self-esteem has taken a big hit.

Be kind to yourself. I think the best thing is to try to walk lightly for a while and socialize for fun, if you can. You never know what might happen, and, even if it doesn't for a long time, at least you're having fun.

I wish you all the best. You sound like a great guy. :hug:

[LanternWaste]

21. I'm 44 & single too...

I'm 44 & single too. I've had friends tell me I keep my standards too high for my own good, but then again, these are friends who have three, four, and even five marriages (each); and I imagine you're going to get flamed by people who themselves have a less than stellar track record (we're always experts when it comes to other people's lives, but tend to forget our own distempers...)

Anyways, so you and are I are not so shallow as to judge a person on their personalities alone. Big deal, right? We like what we like, we like who we like, as does everyone. Here's the way I look at it on those few times I get down about it... "I'd rather be miserable because I'm alone than miserable because I'm with the wrong person." And buddy, if that ain't a song, it oughtta be. :P

[ismnotwasm]

25. Shit

If I was single I'd be picky as hell and I'm female and 6 years older than you. I wouldn't exactly expect a Vin Diesel (My personal crush; I can hardly wait for the "Chronicles of Riddick" sequel)----Although it would be nice, very. I imagine a sense of physical attraction would matter quite a bit. I'd want as little 'baggage' as possible. (Plus, nobody could match my hubby, ever)

One of my co-workers was listing who she wouldn't date anymore; no one who still had teenagers at home, no one in 'recovery' or 12 step programs, no one who didn't know what they were doing in bed or who had bizarre fetishes or ED, no one 'too' overweight, no one who'd been layed off recently or changed jobs frequently, no one with more than one ex-wife or kids from more than one woman, no convicted felons who'd been in prison, no matter how good their jobs were now---I can't recall her entire list verbatim, but she was cracking me up, and yeah, some of it was a little shallow.

[LeftyMom]

26. I'm kind of opposed to having grocery shopping lists of attributes in future partners.

As far as attractiveness, my experience is that emotionally healthy people find their partners attractive whether or not they adhere to their usual beauty standards or "type."