BREAKING - Sarah Palin to don eyepatch, parrot, replace "you betcha" catch phrase with "HARRRRR"

[Amerigo Vespucci]

CNN - Former Alaska Governor and Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced today that she is making a deliberate effort to soften her image, often characterized by the media as shrill, grating, clueless, overbearing, loudmouthed, annoying, and sarcastic. Her trademark catch phrase "Oh, you betcha," which finds its way into many of her speeches, will be retired, in favor of the simpler, gentler "HARRRRRR."

She will also sport a patch over her left eye ("because anything seen through the eyes of the left isn't worth seeing") and will carry her new pet parrot, Gloomy Gus, on her right shoulder.

Keith Richards and Johnny Depp were not available for comment.

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