BREAKING: GOP spokesperson "Joe The Snake Handler" dies in snake-related mishap, Palin offers eulogy

[Amerigo Vespucci]

CNN PHOENIX - In one of the shortest political careers on record, "Joe the Snake Handler"...named yesterday by Sarah Palin and John McCain as a new spokesperson for the Republican Party...was fatally bitten by a snake and died en route to the hospital.

Sarah Palin delivered a moving eulogy:

"Ya know, I was thinkin' about Joe, and I realized that Barack Obama may have been elected President, but don't you feel just a little bit uncomfortable about a man who refuses over and over and over again to show you his birth certificate? Oh, and one other thing. I encourage all of my friends and supporters in the Tea Party Movement to leave flaming bags of dog poop on the doorstep of every Democrat you can find. Dog poop is non-violent. Have you ever seen a violent puppy? They're SO CUUUUUTE...I had a puppy once. I got him on the first day I looked out my back door and realized I could see Russia. I named him Putin. Putin the pup. One time he ate Todd's slippers and Todd got really mad but I took the matter in hand...if you catch my drift. And you DO, DON'T YOU, Phoenix! Let's send Barack Obama back to Chicago! And his little dog Toto too! I love you so much it hurts! Either that, or I have to pee. Maybe I love you so much I have to pee! Did I tell you that I can see Russia from my back yard?"



Above: "Joe the Snake Handler."

MORE: R.I.P. Joe the Snake Handler