I can't believe the hilarity of this.

[LeftyFingerPop]

Most of you may recall that my soon to be 92 year old mom is in a local nursing home.

I went to see her the other day. She has this "closet" that you might see in a barracks or something...it looks like a very large file cabinet, with a swinging door, and one pull out drawer on the bottom. It's probably only 26 inches wide or so, and that is not a lot of space to hang all of your crap in.

So anyway, I'm looking at this closet, and there are all these fucking clothes STUFFED in there, and I mean STUFFED. These fucking pointy hangars were sticking out all over the place, there were balls of clothes stuffed into the bottom, etc.

There is a reason for this...my siblings never go to visit her, so to relieve their guilt (and cause me a fucking problem), they send my mother tons of clothes that don't fucking fit instead of actually bothering with her needs. Send a package...no more guilt.

So I told my mother that I will be back in two days to clean out her closet for her, along with all of the other crap that she doesn't need.

I went there today with 2 of those huge contractor garbage bags...the kind that you can fill with about 200 pounds of shit each.

Now, even though my mother has two hearing aids, she still can't hear worth a fuck. So I had to have her sit in the chair while I pulled out each piece of clothing and gave her hand signals as to what size it was. She would then direct me whether to keep it or get rid of it.

I filled up one entire bag with clothes that didn't fit. I filled up another entire bag with other crap, like PICTURES of grand nieces and stuff (there are LOTS of pictures....that way, the REAL CHILDREN don't have to bother to fucking visit).

After about 3 hours of this, her room was beautiful, and those 2 bags were HEAVY. I said goodbye, took one bag in each hand, and hauled them downstairs to my truck. I was soaked through my PANTS with sweat because they keep that goddamn place at about 90 degrees.

So, now i am home. I never answer my landline (I let the machine get it), and I especially never answer it when my mother tries to call because there is no way in hell that she can hear me.

So, the phone rings, and I let the machine get it. Sure enough it is mom.

"LFP, you left your hat here".

Two minutes later...another message:

"LFP, YOU LEFT YOUR HAT HERE"

Next message a minute later:

"LFP YOUR HAT IS HERE....BREATH.....BREATH....IT'S.....ON THE BED....COME AND GET IT.

Now here is where it gets good...

Next message:

LFP YOU LEFT YOUR HAT HERE.....IT'S ON THE BED....IF I'M NOT HERE, IT'S ON THE BED....COME AND GET IT. (PAUSE)....BREATH.......breath......breath.......breath.....

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop... (she's trying to dial my number into the answering machine...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop...

Then I hear her whisper "son of a bitch"....then she hangs up.

I'm just standing there shaking my head, when the nurse calls back and says "Your mother is here at the desk and she would like to speak to you".

I tell the nurse "She won't be able to hear me on the phone...just tell her I'll pick up my hat tomorrow"

I hear the nurse tell her that....and my mother says "OH, OK".

The end.

[Dystopian]

1. Too cute...

You are the good son... :hug: and your mother is a not only a riot but a beautiful lady. I recall when you posted pictures of her.
I remember the time she made you come over because she had saved a sandwich for you.
I'm certain that she had wrapped it in a diaper?
:rofl:
Oh life!
:loveya:



peace~

[carlyhippy]

2. LOL! I just love elderly, most of them are the funniest and the sweetest people on earth :)

C

[Call Me Wesley]

3. I'm with your mom.

You wear a hat? A hat? Getcha yer hat off her bed! A hat! Can' believe you wear a hat!

:rofl: All the best for your mom! :hi:

[Kali]

4. bwahahahhaha

too funny! I love it.

I have a neighbor like that - old cowboy, really knows his stuff but he is an old time control freak - won't admit he is deaf as a POST, won't let his wife talk for him (at least my Grampa would do that) so whenever I see it's him calling I NEVER answer. I'll call his house back around mid-morning and hopefully catch his wife so I can give her a message for him. He's Ok in person, but the phone:scared:

[MiddleFingerMom]

5. My mom died at the age of 81 the day after 9/11.

.
She had Alzheimer's... among other things. The last two months or so of her life,
she stopped speaking. I would spend some time talking with her and more time
reading to her (from the series of Oz novels - her favorites as a child).
.
Shortly before she stopped talking, she "swore me to secrecy" and told me that, out
of her four children, I was always, by FAR, her most troublesome... and her favorite.
She said that the reason she used to call me on the phone when she had nothing to say
was that she would be depressed (my dad was an asshole), but didn't want to burden me
by saying so. She said that I could always make her laugh and she would feel much better
by the end of the call.
.
All this leads up to this -- our very last "conversation".
.
She had stopped talking for about a week at this point and, when I first walked into
her room, I headed straight for her nightstand where she had sugar-free chocolates.
I pulled out the box and asked her if she wanted one. She sighed deeply... slowly...
and shook her head.
.
I thought of how terrible she must be feeling to have turned that down (she had this
LEGENDARY sweet tooth). I put them back, pulled the chair over to her bed, and sat down
to "talk".
.
She broke into the humongousest grin you've ever seen and said, "You BELIEVED me?!?!?"
.
.
.
.
The last three words she may have ever said to anyone... and she used them to make me laugh.
.
One of my favorite memories of her.
.

[Kali]

9. crap

something in my eye

[TrogL]

6. My great-aunt was a bit off at the end

She played a hell of a bridge game in her prime. The last time I was watching her play was really tragic.

GA: I forget, how may points to I need to open?
TrogL: 13
GA: (long pause) how many was that again?
TrogL: 13
GA: (long pause, reorganizes her hand a few times)....
GA: Seven No Trump. (translation, you have to win every trick and no trump to help out)
ALL: WHAT!>?!?!?!?!!!!!??????
GA: (calmly) Seven...No...Trump!

She made it.

[Demoiselle]

7. She would have done very well at poker too!

I love all the love in this thread.
Thank you all.

[nadine_mn]

8. I used to work as a victim advocate for victims of elder abuse

and so I did lots of home visits. One of my favorite clients was a 98 yr old lady named Vi. She was also very hard of hearing and depending on the strength of her batteries in her hearing aids she could hear a pin drop or nothing. Because her eyesight was failing as well, I had a person from the state who works with blind people coming to help set up some things (magnifiers, super large remote etc) meet with us in her home to go over some products.

Well one thing was a radio for the blind that had every type of programming - from reading headlines, news, stories etc. The woman from the state said because it serves all people - some of the programming late at night can be a little racy (she said this quietly and she was blushing). Vi said ok I might like that.

Well stupid me, I thought Vi misheard so I said louder.. Vi the programs may be a little racy!

She said "I heard the woman the first time, and I said I might like that! I'm old not dead"


Another time I was driving her home and we passed an art gallery and she said some of her friends used to work there.. then she paused and said "well.. not really worked. They volunteered. Bunch of rich bitches." Then she turned to me and said "You aren't a rich bitch are you?"

Well it took me by surprise so before I could censor myself I said, "nope just a poor whore" (then I thought oh crap)

She started laughing so hard, she said "that's why I love you Diane - you remind me of a younger me"

Ya, my name is Nadine but not once did she get it right.