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Its nowhere near as bad as it was. But there was a girl in college I fell for hard. I googled her name around March of 2009 and saw she had gotten married, and had all these emotions I thought I was over come to the surface, and I had to process through them. I met her in 2004, had intense feelings in 2004 and 2005 and by 2006 was fairly indifferent. Then I saw she got married and all those feelings I thought were gone were just under the surface. And I had to process through them.
And most of the feelings are gone now. I feel (almost totally) whole and complete knowing I'll never see her again, which is a major jump forward from where I was in spring, summer & fall of 2009. The obsessive thoughts and trouble with eating and sleeping are gone. The feeling that something major is missing is gone.
But I also know it was totally dysfunctional. There is a theory in psychology called schema therapy which states that traumatic life events can imprint on us and cause us to keep repeating the traumas endlessly until you get in touch with the pain from the original, central trauma.
But looking back, I know I liked her for the wrong reasons (she was emotionally unavailable, she was self centered and emotionally undeveloped). I was used to feeling abandoned and unwanted back then, and she helped me 'relive' those feelings from earlier in life. I was drawn to her intensely, but I was drawn because she reflected traumas related to feeling abandoned and used up I had before I met her.
So its hard. You have these emotions but you know they are a giant mistake on a fundamental level. And you have to not only process them, but resist them too. I had all these intense, compassionate feelings for her. But I had them because on some level I was drawn to how indifferent she was to my feelings and personality.
It is nowhere near as bad as it was, as of today it is bearable (I've done tons of work on myself both as an individual and in a professional setting to address the underlying pains and traumas that led me into situations like this. I met her in 2004 and made a lot of progress between 2004 and 2009).
Anyway, I'm sure someone knows what this is like.
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