How do you get closure?

[raccoon]

I have difficulty getting closure on lots of things, not just romantic relationships.

They re-appear occasionally like ghosts, these memories of unpleasant past events.

Anyone else?

[Throd]

1. By not looking for it.

Today, coincidentally, is the 10th anniversary of my brother-in-law's suicide. I spent years being incredibly angry at him and looking for ways to reconcile my intense emotions. Seeking some sort of closure only made things worse. Then about 3 years ago I decided to just accept the fact that I will always be pissed off at him and not to waste any more time worrying about it.

[LynzM]

2. I don't know that total closure is a realistic expectation.

Being able to move on without constantly dwelling on things is good. Expecting yourself to never ruminate on the past, or on other choices you could have made, etc., I don't think that's realistic. It's ok to remember things, to learn from them, that's how we grow. You cannot change the past, but you can, and should, learn from it.

There are two good quotes that help me get through some tough days and times. The first is from Willie Nelson's "The Tao of Willie" (highly recommended if you haven't read it):

"I am the only person who can set myself free from what might have been."

(The other, less relevant to this case, is "It is not my responsibility to fix everyone else's problems.")

:hug:

[Sky Masterson]

7. I agree with you.

:thumbsup:
I used to say that I could forgive but I couldn't forget.
But then it occurred to me that If I cant forget then I can never really forgive because every time I remember what happened I remember how I felt and who did what and all the memories and emotions come rushing back in.
The best thing you can do is try to find something else to occupy your mind with.
After all,the past is the past and you can't change it.But you can move on..

[OffWithTheirHeads]

3. Numerous Vodka Martinis

And by accepting the fact that what's done is done. The Buddha said "If you can't change it there is no point worrying about it." or something like that.

[Haole Girl]

4. Time, distance, and no contact with the person...

or if it is a bad situation or memory, I try to shove it out of my mind completely.

It's what works for me.

I wish you all the luck with whatever haunts you. :hug:

[Iggo]

5. N'uch thing. (n/t)

[mopinko]

6. +1

the past isn't dead, it isn't even past.

[flvegan]

8. A three-way with her sister and her best friend.

:hide:

[Midlodemocrat]

14. Thread over.

:rofl:

Dude. You are killing me tonight.

:rofl:

[knowbody0]

9. I allot a season for melancholy

for me the anguish became quite exquisite and I actually missed the intensity of those feelings when compared to the mundane and often boring days of "normal". I began celebrating winter as the season of stillness and reflection. the crud never goes away but when I put all the crud together intentionally I somehow assume the role of master. Sometimes spring comes too soon for me.

[Haole Girl]

10. OMG

I thought I was the only one who did that! I spend the majority of winter in mourning (except for any vacation I might take).

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

11. Yep

and there is nothing that will bring closure from people who are gone.

Closure with people still here is simple. Just reach out and ask for it, if that is really what you want.

[RobinA]

12. Indulge

in a pity party every now and then. Don't fight it, pull out all the stops (nothing self-destructive). Play the music, stalk her/him/it in the Internets, sulk, feel sorry for yourself, count the ways you were injured, blame whoever. Before long it'll go away by itself. It might come back, it might not. You will either get tired of it and it will leave on its own or it will crop every now and then. Consider it a museum piece. You can take it out every now and then and give it a whirl, then it goes back to the museum. Just knowing it is there when you want it can often make you not want it at all. It's like anything else, if you put it behind a locked door you can't open you'll obsess about the forbidden door. Letting it gather dust in a reachable place is the best way to disarm it.

[Amerigo Vespucci]

13. You get closure by realizing closure is fantasy, not reality

I have things I'll take to the grave with me.

It's not a matter of my "getting closure" on them...it's a matter of how much "real estate" I grant to these things in my day-to-day existence.

Remember all of those cliches in the horror movies, like Freddie Kruger gaining his strength from your fear?

That's closure.

The more you seek it, the less likely you are to get it.

The minute you stop chasing it, you've received it.

Take it from someone who leaned THAT lesson the HARD way. Too many wasted years.

:grouphug: