I just de-friended my dad. How was your family Thanksgiving? nt

[Critters2]

[TZ]

1. A little tense

And I spent alot of time pretending like I wasn't on Facebook since the relative I don't get along with just discovered FB.. Don't want to friend any family members actually...I sympathize with you.:hug:

[Critters2]

5. Thanks, TZ. My dad has become more and more odd since

my mom's death. That oddness was bound to collide with my desire for normality. And thus it did.

The trick about facebook is that you have to keep in mind who's reading. I've considered starting two facebook accounts--one where I friend parishioners and family members, one where I friend old seminary and college friends and DUers. So, bascially, one where I feel free to bitch about the people on the other one. :)

[phasma ex machina]

7. Seems like a good idea to use 2 FB accounts in your case. nt

[NJmaverick]

2. How can you de-friend a parent and why would you want to?

[Critters2]

4. His visit here ended with him screaming at me that

I'm a spoiled brat because I asked him to stay a few more days. He said he couldn't be away from his cats, and I said i'd pay a pet sitting service to visit his cats so he could come and spend more time at Christmas. Then he started screaming that I'm selfish and spoiled and what not. He's been becoming more and more difficult for some time. Before my mom's death, she and he had started taking separate vacations...well, she'd take vacations alone because he wouldn't leave home. So, I know he's difficult.

It's kind of strange to have your father call you a spoiled brat. I mean, if I'm a spoiled brat, who's fault is that?

[Chan790]

8. um...

:wtf:

That's one of the strangest things I've read here ever...it's almost pointless crankiness. I'm going to ask a strange question here but feel free to ignore it if you want...Does he perhaps have other plans that he doesn't want you to know about? My grandfather on my father's side dated a woman for two years (and eventually moved from Jacksonville to Pensacola to be closer to her), several years after his wife's death, before he reached the point where he'd admit to family members that this woman existed.

[Critters2]

11. He volunteers at the Humane Society, and I know there's a woman there

he's very fond of. He says she's just a friend--she's married and 15 years younger than me. I think he's feeling more than just friendship for her, but I assume he's not acting on those feelings. Well, I know he gave her roses on her birthday.

I don't know what's going on. I figure he's an adult and can have whatever relationships he wants, and I've been really careful not to judge, though I'm a wee bit concerned that flirting with a married woman may not be a good idea.

All of this makes me miss my mom so much. :sigh:

[NJmaverick]

9. Is it possible to visit him? You know some people get very attached to their homes

and feel very uncomfortable not being there.

[Critters2]

10. I offered to go there for Thanksgiving, and he said he'd like to come here.

I was there for a week in July, and usually spend at least a week there each year. But I guess I need to just plan on going there from now on. I know his unwillingness to travel was irritating to my mom. She once complained to me that he was becoming a recluse, which was very difficult for someone as active and gregarious as my mom.

[av8rdave]

12. FWIW, my Dad was very strange for a few years after my Mom died...

He's finally back to his old self, but it took a long time.

Hope things get better for you!

[Critters2]

13. I hope the same happens here. I keep thinking about the great guy

who was such a wonderful father when I was a kid, who wanted us to be happy...yeah, who spoiled us. I miss him.

Thanks, av8rdave!

[jobycom]

24. Sounds like he was homesick.

Maybe he was getting painful memories out there and wanted to get back to the comfort and familiarity of his own home. I remember one friend when I was ten who wanted me to stay at his house an extra night, and I told him I had to get back to my house because of a new puppy. I was just homesick--very rare for me--and didn't really know why I felt that way. It's like a form of depression you can't completely control.

Saddest part was, that was the last time I saw that friend. He was killed shortly after that. Not the happiest part of my childhood.

[Darth_Kitten]

26. Spoiled? You seem considerate and thoughtful...............

Maybe he needs a medical checkup.

[rcrush]

14. lol its just facebook

I'd defriend God on facebook if he pissed me off.

[NJmaverick]

15. It still sounds pretty harsh

[Deep13]

30. Spend a week with my mother and you will have your answer.

How I survived 22 years in her house without shooting myself or her still remains a mystery.

[GoCubsGo]

3. Stuffed up and achy...

I went for years without catching a cold. I'm on my second one in months. The decongestant worked long enough I could somewhat taste my dinner. And, find out that one of my cats has a wicked case of the farts.

[Critters2]

6. I can sympathize. I've had a head cold literally for months.

Some days better than others, but it never really goes away.

And for farts, well, my first beagle could've powered North America with his gas!

Hope it gets better! :hi:

[GoCubsGo]

16. Thanks!

It sounds like you might have more than a head cold. Have you seen a doctor? You might have a low-grade sinus infection. Hope it clears up soon.

I can sympathize with your dad somewhat. I don't like leaving my cats, either. When you are living alone like he is, your pets can become your life. My dad has also gotten crankier and more reclusive as he has gotten older. I guess it's not all that uncommon.

If you are worried about others seeing things posted on your wall, you can remove threads with out defriending someone. If you place the mouse over the thread, "Remove" will pop up. You can also customize who can see what gets posted on your wall in your "Profile". I hope your old dad comes back soon...

[Critters2]

20. Thanks for all this, GCG.

There's nothing I want to remove right now. But I was A) hugely angry and B) wanting to do some venting to some FB friends. I do need to look into using lists and setting up my profile.

And I get not wanting to leave pets. I love mine, too. But family--including my dad--has always come first. And my cats are alone enough, when I'm on retreat or at judicatory meetings or continuing ed events, etc, that they do fine. My secretary checks on 'em, but they've always been fine. So, I don't get him becoming irate when I offered to pay for a pet sitter.

Thanks, GCG. Love the username, btw. I used to live not far from Wrigley, and have been a Cubs fan my whole life.

Have a good night!

[Odin2005]

17. Wonderful.

My adorable 3yo nephew is a wild little brat, though! :rofl:

[Rosie1223]

18. Hugs, Critters!

I managed to make it thru Thanksgiving without feeling the need to reach out and strangle my mother-in-law. I hope you and your dad can patch things up eventually.

[Critters2]

19. Several people have told me today that their fathers went thru

some changes in behavior after being widowed, then came back to themselves. So, I'm hoping. He's very difficult to be with right now, though.

[noamnety]

21. My grandma was like that.

She didn't come to my wedding because she didn't want to leave her dogs.

She didn't cite this as a reason but I know from other relatives that she was agoraphobic, and I suspect the dogs were her excuse, which is fine.

Whether that's the reason, or as others suggested he has other relationships he wants to steal time for isn't important. It sounds like he's clearly expressed a desire not to spend the extra time at your place at Christmas, and I see no reason not to respect his wishes. It's no good to coerce someone into spending quality time with you against their will.

Good host = inviting someone to come stay with you and ensuring they feel welcome, not pressuring them to stay with you when they've said they don't want to (for whatever reason).

[Critters2]

25. I wasn't trying to pressure him. He said he couldn't stay because of his cats.

Never said there was any other reason, never said he didn't want to stay. Just that he couldn't because of his cats. So, I proposed a way to deal with that. The real problem was that that wasn't the reason he didn't want to stay, apparently. But I'm not sure how I was supposed to discern that. My problem was that I believed what he was telling me.

I'll try to watch that in future.

[grace0418]

22. Awesome. If awesome means "fucked up beyond belief."

...with ripple effects that are going to last for years to come.

The food was good.

[Roon]

23. I spend every thanksgiving and christmas with freepers

but I also have a lot of liberal family members to balance it out.

[grasswire]

27. my family member who is a minister customized her fb page..

...so that her congregants aren't reading all the silly things and details of family life and arguments with teen daughter about shoes, etc.

[Mari333]

28. dont feel badly,I de friended my 83 yr old mother

and I told my middle son he didnt have to put me on his facebook (hes 30). why?
well, because my mother called me up and told me every day 'dont use bad words on facebook!'
and I dont *want* to know what my son is doing in his frat house in chicago.

so, basically, we are all happy with it. I am almost 60 I certainly dont need my mom to tell me what to write on there.

makes no sense.

[Lex]

29. I will never understand why people refuse to use the simple privacy settings on Facebook

in order to keep the peace on Facebook with parents and others.

[Deep13]

31. um, privacy settings?

Honestly, I find the FB controls to be counterintuitive.

[Lex]

32. They are simple, here's a link

http://www.allfacebook.com/2009/02/facebook-privacy/

[Deep13]

33. Thanks, I'll check it out when I get home. nt

[tabbycat31]

34. I purposely don't use FB for political rants

I used to and I told my friends who liked them to follow me on Twitter (all political rants) or to read my blog (titled "The Outspoken Liberal")

I have my mom (she's a Democrat but is very anti-union) as a friend on my FB and I'm glad she's there because I know not to post anything I wouldn't want her to see.