In the season of loss, again

[AlienGirl]

For five years my life was bounded by that voice: I woke when he needed help to get to the potty, I kept his security-rituals for good-bye and for sleep. I read to him and played peek-a-boo, I cuddled with him and listened when he said "I love you, mommy."

I thought I could give him up for the great privilege of sharing a bed, but reason lost out to sentiment. When I was told I had two weeks to get him out of the shared house, I complied, but I feel like I have cut off a big piece of me.

I don't sleep. I have ambiguous dreams that reference death in literary metaphor. I don't know how much me I can be without having him. I know he was less important to others, overall, than the antique table or the irreplaceable automobile; and I know that with him I could never be loved, never work regular hours, and never have the good things that mean success in a normal life.

I feel halved and less than halved, and I am again in the season of loss.

Tucker

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear AlienGirl...

:hug:

[Haole Girl]

2. Oh man

You are in so much pain... that made me cry. :cry:

You ok?

:hug: