I want to have a drink with my buddy not f*ck your BF: Jealous Women a Rant

[EndersDame]

I just checked my Email and found out my friend is not going to grab a drink with me later on this week because his girlfriend is a jealous bitch(my words) I was informed though we could hang out if we are chaperoned sigh. I am going through a difficult time in my life and wanted to chat with my buddy (by the way I was friends with him long before she entered the picture) The real clincher is that apparently she trusts him but if there was alcohol I might try to take advantage of him :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
Let me make things clear:
I have a boyfriend
I do not find my friend attractive
I have a sense of decency and respect for peoples relationship (but not to a silly extent like this example)

And even without those qualifiers why is it people who are of opposite genders can't just be friends. I grew up with my brother as my best friend and am into alot of things considered guys territory (sci fi kung fu movies etc) and so alot of my friends happen to be guys. At first my guyfriends feel a little weird but then it becomes more like the relationship I had with my cousins (I frequently have to use this paralell when talking with some guys)

I would be wary if my boyfriend couldn't be friends with a female because to me, that says he is either immature and undisciplined or not in touch with his yin side.

What killed me is I have had my car in the shop and my friend gave me a ride once(it was raining and I didnt want to wait in it) and she happened to call him and I caught part of the conversation- "So you are in the car with Endersdame?- Are you with anyone else?" Jesus Christ some people are so ridiculous- I would get mad if my BF did not offer one of his car less friends a ride home!



I dont get why people are so insecure that they dont let their partners have friends of the opposite gender! I really dont and I think I am about to lose this one friend oh well

[Forkboy]

1. Jealousy is such a pointless thing.

If someone is going to cheat they're going to cheat. All the jealousy does is eat one up inside and cause friction in a relationship where there shouldn't be any. It's self-defeating silliness. And what kind of relationship can they possibly have if the trust isn't even there enough to let him out on his own?

All the women I've been with have had male friends, and I've always had female friends. People should grow up and deal. If any woman has a problem with the fact that my best friend in this world is another woman then we won't end up together in the first place (not that I'm looking anyways...fuck that noise lol).

[pokerfan]

15. It's such an unattractive quality

"A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity." (Heinlein)

[pitohui]

37. god that man said some stupid stuff but what do you expect from a libertarian?

if you're never experienced jealousy, you have never loved

we are animals, and jealousy is programmed into us

get outdoors once in awhile and watch nature and observe esp. in the supposedly monogamous animals how important it is to draw the line and establish territories -- any mockingbird has more intelligence abt successful breeding/relationships than mr heinlein from what i can see


reading snappy quotes from the ignorant is no substitute for real observation

heinlein also said, an armed society is a polite society, dear jesus, i wish he could have lived just one day in new orleans... :-)

[pokerfan]

41. Sorry, but the level of jealousy described in the OP is not healthy

IMO of course.

"Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude."

And I'm probably the last person anyone would expect to quote the bible, but in my fifty years on this rock, I find wisdom that verse.

[EndersDame]

60. Thank you .Like I said in the origanl message if you dont trust your guy to give a ride home

to a female (especally when said female would otherwise have to wait in the rain for the bus and then walk several blocks in the rain from her bus stop to her apartment)What the fuck is wrong with you! I would yell at my BF if he did not offer any of his male or female coworkers or friends a ride home By the way I think R.A.H is cool :hi:

[pokerfan]

62. You're welcome

It was the reaction to sharing a ride that I thought was really unreasonable.

[otherlander]

63. That proves nothing, for the simple reason

that men are not descended from birds.

[abq e streeter]

2. i feel very sorry for her. It has to be emotionally draining to be that jealous and insecure

I have about an equal number of male and female friends, and included among my female friends are a few ex-girlfriends...there were a few instances where as a couple, we just pushed all the negative buttons, but really like and respect each other and didn't want to stop knowing each other. I've been very lucky in that my girlfriends have accepted my friendships, including the exes, and so have my exes' boyfriends, to the point that I've actually attended the weddings of a couple of 'em . Back to your situation .I wonder if maybe one "chaperoned" evening with both of them might be worth it to show her that all you are and intend to be, is a friend, or is she so insecure that she wouldn't even do that? I hope you don't have to lose your friend over this. But maybe letting her see that you don't mind having her along ( even if you really do ) might put her more at ease concerning your friendship with her boyfriend(???)

[EndersDame]

4. I have hung out with both of them and tried to explain the whole "cousin" dynamic

She just is crazy I think. I think I remember flipping through Comedy Central and just catching a comedian say that Jealousy is the Auschwitz of emotions. I just needed to blow off steam. I am glad that there are sane people out there . You seem to have pretty cool ladies in your life :)

[abq e streeter]

6. yep, sounds like she's too heavily invested in her jealousy to be rational

or as you put it: she's crazy. Yeah, I've had ( and have) some cool women in my life, but actually more crazy ones than not looking back over the years( most of the songs I've written have been on the theme of insane women and the more or less equally insane men who of their own free will get mixed up with them..i.e. personal experience). The cool ones have mostly been the friends; the crazy ones were the girlfriends; even the ones I stayed friends with. They were great as friends but insane when the dynamic was being romantically involved. And I take responsibility for seeming to always choose unstable ones to get involved with, as well as not having always been the most stable guy in the world either. I got burned pretty bad about a year ago and am just getting ready ( I think) to try dating again ( can't believe I'm still going through this 'dating" bullshit at my age but here we go again ). Again, I'm glad you were able to blow off some steam here, and I wish you the best as far as being able to preserve a friendship that obviously means something to you.

[Jamastiene]

3. Anytime the issue of jealous girlfriends/wives comes up,

I am reminded of the first time I ever came out. I was in a band and we practiced every day in a little building across town. The drummer's wife wanted to talk to me privately. So, I obliged, unaware of what was going to happen next.

She took me outside the building and threatened to kick my ass because she thought I was after her husband...simply because I had joined the band.

I laughed at her and informed her that was not the case because I liked women, not men.

That didn't end well. Today, I'm glad I came out. During those rough years after that though, I went through some serious hell.

Still, it was funny laughing at her stupid ass. That moment was really priceless.

[proteus_lives]

5. My best friend is a woman and married.

We've been friends for 5 years and some people still think I'm after her because I don't date much. It irritates the hell out of me.

[Name removed]

7. Deleted message

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[Skittles]

8. the real reason he is declining is because he is a fucking wuss

[travelingtypist]

9. This.

"She's my friend. Get over it." Something like that.

[Rabrrrrrr]

24. Ain't that the truth! Holy crap, why do men put up with such fucking bullshit?

[PVnRT]

29. Desperation

Ask me about the creature that my brother-in-law allows to ruin his life some time.

[JANdad]

10. Sorry, but I'm with the GF on this one

If my SO, went out with another man to a bar, I'd be plenty pissed too...

[Heidi]

13. Can you explain why you'd be pissed?

:shrug:

[Rabrrrrrr]

25. Wow - that's really sad that there's no trust in your relationship.

[PVnRT]

28. Better chain her to the oven, then

[fizzgig]

39. why are you with her if you don't trust her?

[LeftyMom]

11. Two options:

1. She's hopelessly insecure. Step back until it all blows up or she'll try to drag you into her drama and set you up as the bad guy.

2. She's sure he's going to fuck around on her because that's what she'd do given similar opportunities. Again, step back from this one because it'll get ugly.

Basically, the smart thing to do in this situation is to tell your friend to let you know when he and Crazy McCrotchsniffer break up, because it's not fair to you to be accused of trying to get in his pants every time you are together, and it's not fair to him to be chaperoned like a Saudi teenage girl.

[old mark]

12. I agree with this - she will be in a period of hyper vigilance for a while now,

and will be suspicious of everything and everyone because she would not trust herself in a similar situation.
Best to back away for a while till this resolves. I predict they won't be together much longer anyway, an I am sure your friend won't want to put up with this over time.
She is defeating herself, and will probably blame you in the end anyway, best to stay out of it from now on.

mark

[Name removed]

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[cherish44]

16. I'm don't know your friend's personality but I think one of two things are going on...

1) He's going to get fed up with her jealousy and tell to her knock it off or it's over...or 2) He likes it because it shows she cares, strokes his ego to think that his woman thinks he's such a sex bomb she can't trust other women around him, he's just plain pu**ywhipped etc. .... (no offense I don't which of these scenarios fits your friend, if any, but these are just the two most likely scenarios I've witnessed in my many years of observing human nature...

[Patiod]

35. or he's given her cause

I met up with an ex-boyfriend once, and he said "the only reason my GF let me come out tonight was because you're flying back home at 8pm".

I said "she caught you with someone, huh?"

Yup - whoring around again.

[rebel with a cause]

51. That was my first thoughts on the matter.

When I first got with my ex-husband I was jealous because he gave me reason too and because he would not let me even speak to another man. I became so isolated that I could not have friends of either sex, much less have a male friend that I would meet anywhere. While all the time he was on the loose. After a while I didn't care what he did. He couldn't stand that I was not jealous anymore. He said I didn't love him anymore and of course he was right.

One thing I caught on with him was that when he accused me of cheating on him (when I don't know since I was at home all the time with my kids) was when he was starting one of his flirtations/affairs. The stories some of us could tell about why and how jealousy sticks its ugly head out would amaze those who have not experienced it.

[crim son]

17. Been there, done that.

I was out with my best male friend when he met his soon-to-be girlfriend. She was unpleasant from the get-go and, long story short, she made sure that my friend eventually cut off all communication with me. My only comfort is that he couldn't have been much of a friend. I guess.

[Beer Snob-50]

18. more than anything she is insecure of her self.

my wife and i have friends of the opposite sex and have no problem with it as we are pretty secure in our relationship. she even shared the same room on a vacation with one of her male friends once while on a vacation with some coworkers. (and btw, i did ask her if they had sex and she said yeah it was the best she ever had :) )

[PVnRT]

30. As long as it was good sex

[Beer Snob-50]

33. is there really anything but? nt

[dugaresa]

19. i voluntarily stopped speaking to a very dear friend of mine from college for this reason

he was a very good friend, drinking buddy and we even had a campus job together.

for some background, my profession is male dominated and as a result the majority of people i went to school with were men so most of my college friends were men and women who like me were in male dominated fields of study.

however that did not mean that there wasn't a sexual angle. in many cases the men who were my friends at one point or another made an attempt to elevate the relationship to the next level. sad to say but the "sex" part does get in the way.

in the case of my best friend, he was no different. hell we hung out, we went on a long road trips and were very much in synch. the problem was that something about "us" didn't work for me entirely.

We both always dated other people but not that seriously.

So we remained friends until the girlfriend entered the picture.

He genuinely liked her and she really liked him. They hit it off instantly and of course his time with me pretty quickly went to nil, except for the time we worked with one another and occasions that we would hang out at parties with other friends.

Eventually we graduated, but kept in touch but he told me that she was starting to get really jealous about me. He told me that "she would have to get over that", but you know what as a woman I would be pretty upset if I was really into a guy and dating him for years but he insisted on having another woman in his life and especially if she knew that he might have at one time tried to make a go of it with me.

So time elapsed, and I kept the distance and then one day I get a wedding invite. (meanwhile I am engaged to be married myself). He calls me and begs me to come to his wedding since I was really his dearest friend.

Like a complete moron, I bought a gift and went to the pre reception wedding party with my fiance. Thinking that the tension was over now that she had him I was wrong.

The look in her eyes broke my heart. The last thing she wanted on her wedding day was to see me and you know what I did. I went up to her with my fiance and I told her how beautiful she looked, introduced her to my fiance, gave her the gift and apologized about not being able to make it to the wedding reception after wards. She looked relieved.

Years later that same friend called me up. We were both married and had kids. He called cuz he "missed me", and I asked about her and she was "out for the day". I told him point blank that she did really love him and that he had better back off for the good of his wife and their marriage. That was the last I heard from him.

I never regret the good times I had with him as a friend but as with many other friends that have dropped out of my life for many reasons I take away the good and am glad that I wasn't part of any bad.

[pitohui]

38. of course there's a sexual angle, FINALLY an honest person in this thread!!!

"let's be friends" so often means "let's be friends w. benefits"

a grown man does not need my help to drink a beer in a bar, if we're just getting together to chat and drink a beer in a bar, and no other reason, come on, some common sense here

[dugaresa]

43. to be honest, most men friends I have had were always open to or suggested

adding the "with benefits" part to our friendships.

Most were quite grown up about it when I would politely decline, the ones who were upset over the rejection would typically end the friendship which typically meant that was what they were looking for to begin with.

When I got married, all friendships with men were with men I worked with and never extended beyond working hours. That has not deterred some from trying for more. Married or single, I have had a few good male coworkers end up in the "beware/creepy" column because they were fishing around for some benefits.

My best friends are women friends and to be honest I am grateful for the few good women friends I have. It has been very hard for me to make friends with women due to my career and I value those ladies very much. They are my sisters! If I need someone to kvetch to, I go to them and generally in my hours of need they make nice appetizers and have great wine.

[seabeyond]

46. i have lifetime male friends. always husband is invited along. he always comes.

much more comfortable for all three of us. friends like husband too. but they are my friends. my husband has gone out to meet gals friends a couple times. he has always extended offer to me to come along. the few times, i have declined. but knowing the offer was there, and out in open, established a knowledge, not a big deal.

if EVER he hid it, or i hid it, would be the secret that would cause a much bigger issue than having a drink with friend.

[dugaresa]

47. you brought up a very good point, it is the secrecy that starts to kill a relationship

when you start to keep secrets it just gets worse and then the rationalization starts that justifies the secrets and what I have witnessed is that once someone is caught in a secret they turn on you pretty quick. You see getting caught and feeling guilty are feelings no one likes to have so it typically will lead the guilty party to start to further rationalize more secrets and then kaboom goes the relationship. It takes a big person to stay away from such nonsense or to extricate themselves from such a mess once it starts.

[Phentex]

55. I attended the wedding too, lol!...

My friend really was an ex but we had always been more friends than anything. We kept in touch on a regular basis even while we were dating other people. It started getting tiresome when ALL he could talk about was how horrible I had been to him when we dated. I mean years had passed already!

Anyway, I married and he came to my wedding and made out with a friend of mine after the reception. Nice. We stayed in touch, by email or phone and got together for breakfast a couple of times (my husband always knew about it.) Our work paths crossed a couple of times and everything seemed to be okay. No more discussions about the past. He dropped off baby gifts after I had kids. We were just friends.

When he married, my husband and I attended the wedding and I really thought things were cool.

Then HIS wife decided she didn't like us keeping in touch... and it was really sporadic by then! WTF?

I chuckle at the double standard and hope he realizes what an insecure person he married. I married a prince!

[Deep13]

20. My Sweetie isn't jealous.

Her friend asked her if she doesn't get worried about what I might be doing if I go out at night to go observing (amatuer astronomy) or go back East to visit friends. Sweetie said she's not concerned because no matter where I go, I will always end up back at home with her. And that is pretty much the case.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. LOL. what a sad way to live.

[cbdo2007]

22. Your buddy's problem is that he tells his gf everything.

I don't mean this in a bad way, but he needs to just go have a drink with you and not tell her about it if she's going to freak out.

I'm the kind of guy who's always gotten along better with women than men. I just don't connect very well with guys on a friendship level, though I do have a few guy friends, but most of my long term friends are girls. My wife is jealous also, so we'll hang out as a group sometimes, but other times I'll meet a couple of my other friends who are girls for coffee or just at their house to hang out and chat and won't tell my wife about it, cause I know she'll freak out.

[dugaresa]

26. so you would be okay with it if your wife did the same?

if she started to have friendships with men that she didn't tell you about?

having seen it first hand, "secret" friendships become bigger problems and eventually destroy trust and eventually the marriage.

[cbdo2007]

27. Yeah I'd be fine with it. I trust her.

And I'm not "starting" to have friendships with new women. I only hang out with women I've known for years who are they themselves in relationships.

So you're correct, if she's going out and starting to have new secret friendships with men that's a bad thing, but that's different than anything any of us are posting about here.

[Rabrrrrrr]

23. I hope he drops her like a radiated fetus, because his life is gonna be hell with her.

[Xithras]

45. Yep. I dropped several GF's like that.

There is nothing, NOTHING worse in the dating world than having a jealous, paranoid SO. The best sex on the planet can't make up for the stress that kind of paranoia will bring into your life.

[City of Mills]

31. My wife had a guy friend

I didn't have a problem with it, she had always had guy friends before I met her.










Then she slept with him.


:o


Not saying it always happens, but it happens.

[Lex]

32. Maybe she knows more about his history of fidelity (or infidelity) than you might?

:shrug:

[EndersDame]

48. I have been friends with him before they started dating and have known him alot longer

He is a pretty stand up guy

[gmoney]

34. Reminds me of a great line from "True Romance"

Paraphrased from memory:

Call girl: "Let me get this straight... you can do anything you want with me, and you wanna take me to a kung fu movie?"

Guy: "No. I wanna take you to three kung fu movies."

[pitohui]

36. well we thought your BF was in prison, or maybe that's a different poster?

maybe i'm thinking of somebody else but if a "friend" had a BF in prison and was meeting MY husband/BF at a bar to drink alcohol WITHOUT ME, then common sense has to step in at some point -- you can say you have a "sense of decency" abt other people's relationships, but if you respected their relationship, you wouldn't be meeting the man alone in a bar (i have no problem if you DON'T respect their relationship but fuck just be honest abt your motives instead of pretending she's a witch for having simple common sense)

i don't get why people are so unconcerned with their so-called friend's feelings that they want to be alone, consuming alcohol, with their so-called friend's BFs and husbands

are YOU being a friend? because it honestly doesn't sound like it

to me, this is the typical rant i hear from the sociopath -- she wants to make it everybody else's fault unless she gets her way, no matter how unreasonable

if you are friends with both of them, be a friend to both of them, if you are friends with her, stop meeting her BF for drinks when she can't be there, if you are friends just to him, be realistic about what the friendship really is -- most guys don't meet girls just to be friends, there has to be a business or network purpose, or there is a sex fantasy going on somewhere in the background

most guys if you talk to them honestly will tell you flat-out that NOBODY NEEDS MORE FRIENDS, there are billions of people in the world already, too many to keep track of

this guy is meeting you for alcohol for a reason, now maybe the reason ISN'T sex, maybe you DO have something in common and you're just talking "shop" -- but there is not anything in your post to convince me that this is the case or that you have a reasonable understanding of human psychology

your former friend is not a jealous bitch just because she expects her BF not to consume alcohol when out with other women, that's just good common sense frankly

we are animals and to pretend we are not animals but robots is just plain stupid -- robots don't need friends -- you are being just as manipulative as your friend

this just isn't important enough to insist on UNLESS there is actually something hinky somewhere...i can be friends w. somebody i never ONCE drank alcohol in a bar alone with

a lot of my friends are guys because most of the things i do are traditionally guy things, this makes it all the more important to respect boundaries, too often, when i've ignored this rule, THE GUY HAS MADE A MOVE, guys DO have sex w. their friends and if you're not realistic about this, then you're just not being realistic period

really it makes me uneasy that someone would go out drinking w. somebody else while their supposed partner is locked up, either honestly dump the guy or don't, but don't be partying while they're suffering (if you are the poster i'm thinking of, i hope i am wrong here tho)

[EndersDame]

49. My BF and him are like brothers Infact my friend introduced us

Yeah my boyfriend is away right now and I want to talk to someone who is not going to be judgmental about his situation. I think her craziness goes beyond "common sense" I might try suggesting we go out for lunch but I have a feeling her reaction will be the same When my friend gave me a ride home (it was raining and my car was in the shop and I didnt want to wait out in the nasty weather for the bus only to have to walk from my bus stop to my Apartment)she was weirded out by that.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

40. She's afraid

Not sure how you can help her with that, but that's her motivation.........

[jmm]

42. Sounds like your friend likes having women fight over him.

Some people equate drama with caring. You may not be attracted to him but now he has you upset enough to call his girlfriend a jealous bitch and her thinking there's reason the two of you need to be supervised. That type of scenario can do wonders for some people's egos.

I'm all for people being friends regardless of gender and it is healthy to have separate interests in relationships but from the little we know about the situation (and I'm sure there's stuff going on only your friend and his girlfriend know) he needs to find the right balance between not acting like he's hiding something from her and still having a life outside of the relationship.

[unpossibles]

44. I agree with you BUT

let me just say that sometimes that drinking buddy really does want to fuck your bf/gf

Just sayin. And while I am not an overly jealous man, and I do trust my gf, it still sucks when someone less scrupulous tries to take advantage of a situation, or sees a couple's relative autonomy as a weakness to exploit, even when they are unsuccessful.

[Withywindle]

50. Ugh, what the hell does he see in her?

That's creepy controlling shit - where abuse starts.

That superstition about opposite-sex friendships drives me insane in principle--and used to in practice until I cut all the jealous-possessive types out of my life and started learning how to avoid bringing more in.


Straight men and women can't be friends? I guess we bisexuals aren't allowed to have any friends at all!

[Lord Tredegars Macaw]

56. A very good point!

I sincerely hope straight men and women can be friends, or I'm going to be losing some of my closest friends.

It's all a question of trust surely? Every individual case is different.

We've entered 'When Harry Met Sally' territory here.

[Odin2005]

52. My God, that woman as issues.

Reminds me of a GF I had 3 years ago, who got pissed off and dumped me because a lady friend and I were in the same group for a college history group project and the ex-GF thought I was cheating on her! :eyes:

[XRubicon]

53. Just sleep with him already....

[EndersDame]

54. Maybe if he lost30 lbs and waxed his chest

[JANdad]

58. Your post proves that you have considered it...

just sayin'...

[EndersDame]

59. it was meant as a joking response. Ihonestly do not consider fucking every guy I talk to

[JANdad]

61. But you said jokingly or not...

30lbs and shave the chest...ergo you have considered it for however briefly....

[La Lioness Priyanka]

64. no it really doesnt. it proves she has a sense of humor

[Mutley]

57. One of my BFs good friends is a female.

At first, I was jealous because up until he and I started dating he had been pursuing more than just friendship with her. For a while I felt like if she decided she wanted him after all he would dump me immediately. However, I ended up realizing that I just need to trust him. She started dating someone a month or two later, and now all of us are able to hang out.

I can understand jealously in certain situations, but people need to realize that in the end, all it does is serve to push away the one you are trying to keep.