A question to those of you who have divorced.

[BeachBaby]

Did you feel guilty after you divorced? If you did, what aspect of the divorce made you feel guilty? And if so, how did you cope with the guilt? TIA.

[suninvited]

1. The only thing I felt guilt about

was how it might affect my children, who were very young at the time.

[Wapsie B]

2. After separation there was guilt, some days more than others.

But then I kept asking myself as to whether I'd ever go back? Knowing with complete certainty that I would not is what got me through that time.

[Debi]

3. No.

I felt that if my marriage was a model for my child to follow then he would grow into a man I did not want to know.

His biological father was physically and verbally abusive and unfaithful.

I felt my son would do better without THAT example in his life.

History has proven me correct. The ex has just completed his 3rd divorce and the current husbands of all the women he fatherd children with have adopted the kids.

My son wants nothing to do w/my ex.

My husband is a wonderful father.

[Heidi]

4. .

.

[PRETZEL]

5. The guilt was not so much actually divorcing

but not recognizing sooner that the differences (not fights) had grown to a point where we both wanted different things out of life.

We parted on the best of terms at the time. Now, not so much.

We should have done that a couple of years before we did.

btw, hope things are going well for you. Haven't seen you here in a while.

[Skittles]

24. don't beat yourself up about it PRETZEL

if you had done it a "couple years before we did", you could very well now be wondering if another couple years would have made a difference......live and learn buddy :)

[PRETZEL]

30. Thanks,

but if I would have done it differently I may not have screwed up my life like I have now in my second marriage.

"live and learn" is more like "stupid and foolhearted"

[Blue_In_AK]

6. The only thing I felt guilty about with the last one

is that I didn't do it about 17 years sooner.

[rebel with a cause]

16. ditto!

No guilt about the divorce but about the years of drama that my kids had to go through during the marriage. Now I have guilt for the years of craziness that I went through during the separation and divorce when I was trying to find myself again. And other mistakes I have made since then.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

7. No guilt after the divorce. But guilt for having wasted all that time

and not recognizing he was a better friend than husband and we should have remained friends. I hope he finds happiness; he is a wonderful person and I wish him nothing but the best. We parted and are on good terms.

[NewJeffCT]

12. That's a nice story

Sorry to hear you were divorced, but at least you parted on good terms.

[NNadir]

23. I'm glad you're gracious, but it sounds odd to me...

The wonderful thing about my marriage is that my relationship with my wife began as a wonderful friendship.

Marriage involves many things but of all the things that are important to me as spouse, friendship is the highest value.

I mean I love the other stuff mostly, but the friendship has always been the most important.

I have never divorced though, and I haven't lived your marriage, but being with a friend can never be a waste of time.

Congratulations though, on your civility. I know zero about divorce, but as a by stander I am always extremely uncomfortable with nasty divorces. I'm sure it's great for everyone around you affected by the divorce that you are still friends.

[WilmywoodNCparalegal]

28. Well, it's a complicated issue... our marriage was completely

devoid of intimacy. So even though I was living with a friend, I wasn't living with a husband, nor did I get the emotional and romantic support everyone needs. In that sense, I wasted time by not having the kind of intimacy and emotional support that one gets from a spouse who also happens to be a best friend.

[Ikonoklast]

8. No.

I did what needed to be done for the best interests of my children.

I would do it all over again in a heartbeat, and never look back for one second.

[old mark]

9. I felt guilty about having been stupid enough to marry her in the first place.

I have not seen or heard from her in over 20 years, and I'm very happy with that.

There is little point to beating yourself up over a mistake that so many people nake - be glad you don't have to spend the rest of your life in that bad situation.

All the best, BB - just keep looking ahead and enjoying the day.

:hi:

mark

[NewJeffCT]

10. Not really - maybe some remorse, though

for me being dumb enough to get married in the first place. My ex was good as a girlfriend and a fiancee and great in bed, but had no clue about money/finances and had lived at home with a mother that cleaned up after her... so, she had never done housework, either. So, despite my working a very demanding full-time job and she only working a part-time job, I ended up doing almost all of the housework because she was stressed out from living away from home for the first time in her life and I was trying to be nice to ease the stress.

[mcctatas]

11. I had some guilt the day he was served with papers and even all

these months later I still get pangs of guilt for little things. How I get over it is that he always pulls some dickhead move that reminds me why I divorced his crazy ass in the first place

[SPKrazy]

13. The separation

left more guilt when I moved out I felt like I'd abandoned my son. The divorce left me angry as hell.

[flvegan]

14. Guilt? I felt exhilarated, free, finally happy.

Not a moment's guilt whatsoever. I did my part for the relationship, she didn't. Besides, she's happily remarried and cranking out children, which is what she wanted. Thrilled to death for her...and myself.

[mopinko]

15. only when my kid said

"i want to go live with dad."
other than that, i didn't have guilt. in retrospect, i don't know how i ended up married to him.
got it right the second time, tho.

[graywarrior]

17. I felt guilty for not feeling guilty

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

18. Not really.

It was a mutual decision -- I was just a bit sad that it never worked out.

[Silver Swan]

19. Why should I feel guilty?

The divorce was his idea. We were married over 25 years when he gave up on us.

Looking back now, after twelve years, I am very glad I am no longer married to him. But guilty? Not I.

[LeftyMom]

20. Not one bit. But he did try to kill me. Twice.

I guess that's the upside of attempted murder, it makes you really motivated to move on with your life.

[mtowngman]

21. not guilty about the divorce

but living apart from my daughter has been an issue for a long time.

[krispos42]

22. No.

Wasn't my fault, wasn't my affair, wasn't my idea, and I wasn't the one that wouldn't try to work it out or seek counseling.

[Callalily]

25. Parallel to my story!

And no, I did not feel any guilt.

[cherish44]

26. No I realize it was for the best

We just grew to be so different, we couldn't be happy together. Doesn't make either of us bad people, just different. But I did go through a long and difficult grieving process before I finally reached this epiphany.

[RebelOne]

27. No guilt. Just happy to be out of a bad marriage. eom

[crim son]

29. Terribly guilty.

Sometimes I still feel guilt, on two counts: 1) I moved the kids away from their father (which was the goal, but it still has bothered me many times) and 2) I worried about how he was coping without me. Part one has resolved itself as I see the kids thrive and their father become a better parent. Part two was harder, but the guilt essentially disappeared when he told me upfront that he was over me and wanted a "different kind of" woman.

It takes time and if you have any love left for your ex, it may take communication too.