JL Has A Shit Fit

[Wetzelbill]

Oh no this is rough! -WB

JL Has A Shit Fit

This took place a long, long time ago. I was about seven and I had a shit fit, at least that’s what my Dad, called it. A fucking bad day is what I called it.

I was a farm boy. I grew up working, that’s why my parents had me; to do shit. After marriage they waited seven years, till the chores piled up, before Ma popped me in the oven. There was a plan, believe me. I was no accident of passion; no awkward backseat hotshot. It wasn’t because my old man was too quick to pull out. I just wish I could use that same utilitarian excuse, I’m just a lightning bolt.

Anyway, it was hay season, late summer and hot. August soil thin as dirty flour stuck in every pore. The dry scratch of the dusty air was amplified by wheat chaf, it made you itch on the inside. There was no shade in sight. Though only in early elementary I had roll to play, I was driving. I would put our pick-up truck in first gear, pop the clutch and start idling down the field. The men would then walk beside, loading straw bales as we went. Bale after bale, hour after hour we worked. My dad and uncle throwing sixty pound bundles of dead grain up to my Grampa, in the bed of the vehicle, stacking the cubes; doing the working man’s version of Tetris.

YOU HAVE HEARD THE TERM – BUM FUCK



Well, we were somewhere past that. Literally, we were in the middle of nowhere; 25 miles from a town, six miles from the nearest random ranch house. We had exactly what we brought with us, nothing more; no cell phones, no 7-11 down the block, no AAA with a shiny blue and yellow tow truck to roll up and save the day. We were goddamn plainsman, the stuff Marlboro commercials are made of. In Webster’s under ‘rugged individualists’ you’d see a picture of my walrus looking Uncle Tim heaving a bale while my little, toe-head blonde self was peek-a-booing over the steering wheel. We are working men and at seven I was a valuable member of the team. Pretty big deal for a boy.



CLIMATE CHANGE OCCURS IN SECONDS



I didn’t start the day sick, but something happened. Suddenly, I had to poop. Not your standard civilian “gee, I think I need to go”, I had to shit! Right then, it was not an option, it was happening. Let me be clear, bodily functions out-of-doors is a non-issue for me but I was panicked and embarrassed, basically horrified. It wasn’t sanitation, it was pride. To be a boy included and needed by men, your own family is a badass feeling for a kid. The last thing I wanted to do was crap myself when hanging with the dudes.

the rest:
http://jlmatthew.wordpress.com/2009/11/08/jl-has-a-shit-fit/

[JohnnyLib2]

1. Helplessly laughing here......

:rofl:


Amazing how the story fits the mood of GD today.....

[Wetzelbill]

2. Glad you liked it

The guy who wrote it is a good friend of mine, we went to school together. He's going to put together a bunch of funny stories like this for the blog.

[blue neen]

9. OMG, I'm sitting here crying from laughter.

Did you read the other story, "I Lit My Balls on Fire Coach?"

Your friend is a very talented writer! :)

[Wetzelbill]

10. yes I read that one

a few weeks ago. :) He'll be glad to hear you think so! He's entertaining for sure, knows how to tell a good story.

[Ptah]

3. Beautiful

Thanks, Bill

:thumbsup:

[Wetzelbill]

4. Glad to do it!

So how are you doing, Ptah? I am loving this weather lately. Makes searing in the sun all summer mostly worth it. :)

[grantcart]

5. In Bangkok where a ride home in the rain can turn into a 4-5 hour journey

it happens from time to time. They even sell chamber pots for the cars so that the kids who can't wait have a place to call.


I had a rough Australian outback guy as a boss for part of the time and he went to meet an important client while I met another one.

I caught up with him a while later and asked him how the meeting went


Boss, "Oh it was kind of a rough start because on the way in we got stuck in traffic and I SHAT myself royal. Got into the hotel limped into the bathroom and had to strip myself and give myself a shower out of the toilet. But cleaned up ok and went out and met the bloke."

[Wetzelbill]

6. lol

I would hate to see what constitutes more than "kind of a rough start" lol.

[grantcart]

7. I was hired by his Australian partners because they felt that he was

a great guy but rough in the 'Alice Springs' kind of a way that only Australians in the outback can really understand. (Once he was helping arrange the party for a couple that had been married for 50 years and instead of the couple on the top of the cake he got the gonads from a male and female cow and had them mounted somehow in full repose on the top of the cake.)

I had struck a number of grand slam home runs finding customers in Europe that were furniture manufacturers and to whom we could sell component parts to.

We had the largest manufacturer in Denmark come by and in our little tiny office that was smaller than a normal bathroom we sat cheek to jowel including the 75 year old gentleman and his 35 year old bombshell wife.

In the middle of the polite discussion, I interupted my boss every time he spoke so that the Danes would not be subjected to a graphic lesson in new words in English,and a long fax came in and Ralph read it as we looked on.

As he read the lengthy document he made casual remarks that reflected his opinion on what he read.

It went like this


"SHIT

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK THE MOTHER OF CHRIST ALMIGHTY

SHIT FROM A JEZEBEL

FUCK ME UP MY ASS

SHIT TWO FEET DEEP AND THREE WEEKS OLD

DAMN

FUCK FUCK FUCK"

and his soliliqy was ended with something like

"FUCK ME WITH A LIZARD FROM INDONESIA"



Now all of the time he was reading and making these extemparaneous remarks the Danes just stared ahead and gripped their chairs with rigid determination not to do anything that might attract Ralph and cause him to slit their throats. The white of their knuckles had reached their elbows.


Ending his reading and finishing with a final Fuck/Shit double header that included the Son, Holy Spirit, John the Baptist and all of God's great and good saints, he put down the Fax and said


"Well that's not too bad, rather good news in fact. Now what were we talking about? I would like to finish up so we can take you out and grab some grub and drink some piss (meaning beer)."

[Kali]

8. laughing through the tears here

great writing - please tell him!