How do you tell someone that he is cheap?

[Sanity Claws]

And that you are tired of it.

Someone else here asked for advice on how to handle a situation. I thought I'd post because I'm thinking of ending a friendship because of how cheap he is. He just doesn't pay his share.
For example, if we're at a restaurant, he waits until I put down my money to pay for my share and then he takes out his wallet and pays the rest, using some of my money to defray his bill. I wanted the extra money to go to the waitress. I exploded at him once and he stopped, for a while.

We take a drive out of town and he doesn't pay half the costs. I'm talking gasoline and tolls only; I'm not adding anything for wear and tear on the car. I exploded at him about it about a month ago and he paid his share for that trip. Then we took a drive last week and as he was leaving, he said, do you want me to pay anything? I said Yes. I'm pissed that he asked that instead of just paying. He still has not paid for that most recent trip.

The more I write, the more fed up I am.
What would you do?

[yawnmaster]

1. In my opinion, if you get pissed that he asks and don't want to ask him to pay his share...

every time, then its probably best to just break it off.

JMO take wit a grain of salt.

[Bunny]

2. It sounds like this cheapness is ingrained in him, and he'll probably never change.

Either get the money up front, or dump him.

[JonLP24]

3. I don't completely understand

What is being said before going to a restaurant or a trip out of town? There have been times where I was hard up for cash as I was using the most of my budget to help support my spouse that lived in another state but instead of never doing anything I spent a lot of time with friends.

For example if friends asked me if I wanted to come to a restaurant or someplace I have to pay to eat I tell them up front I can't afford it and from there they either go without me or offer to pay. Paying for gas was never an issue and I never asked for it either when I had people ride with me. Only time was I when I let others borrow my car is when I made paying for their trip mandatory.

I wouldn't consider myself cheap though as whenever I did have extra money I was generous to the point where it was extremely difficult for me to say no.

I wouldn't go anywhere unless you were upfront about the costs and not wait til you get a check or to your destination if that is an issue.

[Sanity Claws]

11. Cheapness and frugality are two different things

I understand that if one is unable to pay his share, he declines invitations. That is frugality. Cheapness is when you go and assume someone else is going to pay your way.

I think you should know that I am not working now; I haven't worked in over a year and am living off savings. This friend works. I guess that is why I am doubly irked. How could someone who is earning money assume that an unemployed friend is going to pay his way?

[JonLP24]

15. I know that they are different things

In the end I was just suggesting that before you go anywhere make sure that person understands what he'll be paying for and how much to avoid that kind of trouble later on. Then again if you have to do that it may not be worth going anywhere. :hi:

[Sanity Claws]

18. I've done that

I found it very unpleasant and thought doing it once was enough.
The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

[Mira]

20. I think you need to stop being Santa Claus, Sanity Claws,

this is irritating because you have done your part to make this tolerable and he is not responding properly.
That kind of behavior is rarely the only thing about that person that is not OK as I see it, it would translate into other character traits that would not make him a great reliable and caring friend.

I often told my kids that life will teach them what they don't accept from me.
Right now, your name is LIFE.
I would dump him, BUT, and this is very important to both of your growth, tell him why. Gently, firmly.
And move on.

I have a friend who has very very little.
I get concert tickets and things for "free" in barter situations. When I invite her and afford her something she can't pay for but loves, she brings me something that makes me happy, mostly it does not cost anything.

Last week, in the parking lot, along with profuse thanks I was handed a very special recipe, a beautiful grapefruit, and an unusual old glass bottle, as we went home from the 1812 overture.
That is a friend who understands responsibility, and her character does not allow her to not reciprocate in the way she can with happy forethought.

The way you feel is not good for your peace of mind, and you don't need a leech who has no understanding, and no appreciation.

[unpossibles]

25. Exactly. I tend to be frugal but I am also pretty generous

I tend to share with people, kick in on trips and meals, and even offer to help people if they're short. But when it's just me, I am pretty cheap and I often talk myself out of purchases. I also tend to tip well unless the server is completely going out of their way to be an ass, and then I still tip just not as well.

Also, it can depend on quality:cost ratio. I don't mind paying extra for good quality food or clothing, but if it's expensive and cheaply made, I tend to not do so.

[tigereye]

26. maybe you should re-emphasize that you don't have any income and

that you really need him to pay his part...

[HopeHoops]

4. How about "You know, you are one cheap mother fucker!" for starters.

Another option is to just not pull out your wallet. Get up and leave. Let him deal with it on his own. Cheap bastards need to learn a lesson.

[rug]

5. "Get your hands off my sandwich."

[GreenPartyVoter]

6. Maybe stop doing things together that require money?

[Sanity Claws]

12. That's what I'll do for now

Slowly I will just end the friendship.

[guitar man]

7. next trip

Pull over about 10 miles from home and tell him to walk the rest of the way, "ride's over, that's all you paid for bud" ;)

[Moondog]

8. If it were me

and we're talking cheap, as opposed to financially embarrassed, I would move on.

You're describing ingrained behavior. And, whether we are talking friend, or lover, this is the person you are dealing with. Take him as he is, or move on.

Attempts to change him, get him to see reason, etc, etc, are doomed to fail, will simply frustrate you, and in the end you will be in precisely in the place that you occupy now. Life is too short. Embrace him, say goodbye, or drift away. Your choice.

[Blue-Jay]

9. Just dump that broke-ass motherfucker.

Obviously he's just a cheap bastard who doesn't deserve any friends or nookie. Without money, he doesn't deserve friendship. What a cheap sonofabitch! The NERVE!

Seriously, he'd be better off riding the rails as a hobo.

PS - Kick him in the balls, too.

[trof]

10. I knew a guy who stole tips. An airline captain.

I kid you not.
Cheapest bastid I ever knew.
The crew would go out to eat on a layover and he'd hang back at the table while we were leaving the restaurant.

One of the crew got suspicious and watched him, unobserved.
He scooped up the 20 or 30 dollars we'd left in tips and put a fiver down.
This was back in the late 60s and he was pulling down a solid six figures annually.
Un-effing-believable.

There are just some people who don't get it about paying their fair share or offering to do something for you because you do them favors.
I have a friend who is legally blind and can't drive.
I take him to our monthly meeting of Ancient Aviators.
Buncha old fart pilots who get together to tell lies.
;-)

We usually got out to lunch after.
He has never offered to kick in for gas, buy lunch, nuttin'.
His wife is ALWAYS very appreciative. "Thank you SO much for taking Charles." But I guess she doesn't go so far as to tell clueless Charles that it might be nice if he'd spring for lunch once in a while.

Another regular who sometimes rides with us ALWAYS says "I'll buy lunch, you drove."

Some folks know how to act and some are clueless.
:shrug:

[Sanity Claws]

13. Thanks everyone for your input

It sounds like I'm not overreacting. His behavior really is out of bounds and if it irks me, I should just end the friendship.
I needed to hear that.

[Schema Thing]

14. Is he broke and faking that he isn't broke?

Not that that makes it ok, but it might explain it, and give you something to work with.

[Sanity Claws]

16. He's working fulltime

He has a rent-stabilized apartment and just himself to support. I don't see how he could be broke. If he is, he certainly has no right to balance his entertainment budget on my back. I'm not working and just living off savings.

[EndersDame]

17. I am always of the I buy this round you buy next round

but one of my bf's friends is so cheap will only pay for his stuff (even when we buy him drinks or meals) we never have asked for gas but he demanded we fill up his girlfriends car because we rode in her car to dinner that he invited us to (we had no car then) I would understand if he was broke but he makes more than we do combined

[Kali]

19. I don't know

I would probably get the money up front or at least say something first. He must have some redeeming value or he wouldn't be a friend in the first place, right?

[Sanity Claws]

21. Thanks for the thought

However, I think this friendship is based more on habit than anything else. I really should make an effort to find new friends.

[Skittles]

22. I just tell them, YOU ARE A CHEAP BASTID

try it

[jmm]

23. Exploding at him twice doesn't necessarily make the matter clear

When a pattern is allowed to develop it sends a message. Two explosions over the course of a friendship could have him confused when the rest of your friendship has sent another message. For all he knows you could've been having a couple of bad days. I'm not saying I agree with his behavior but his offer to pay does show he is willing to go outside of his character try to be more thoughtful. If it were me I wouldn't be willing to throw away a friendship without a conversation when I wasn't feeling emotional.

[theNotoriousP.I.G.]

24. I have a cheap friend

and I've told him he's got staples in his wallet and I'm very upfront about the whole subject. He gets stingy and I say "hey fucker, take the staples out" and he pays his part. Honesty is the best policy.

Edited to take out an unnecessary apostrophe.