If you were pushing 40, unemployed, in debt, kind of depressed, and prone to weirdness

[AlienGirl]

Would you accept an offer from a retired, well-off, politically-connected person you don't know very well to go live with him in the South?

Tucker

[raccoon]

1. I thought at first you were talking about Sen. Graham, then I saw the "retired."

Seriously, I can't advise you on this one.

make sure he's not violent, crazy, or involved in anything illegal.

[AlienGirl]

6. Not violent, not crazy (at least not in the "frank psychosis" sort of way)

Nothing illegal I have found in the records; and the GOP would have dragged it out by now.

Tucker

[rbnyc]

2. Go with your gut.

When you say you don't know him very well, do you really mean very well, or do you mean very long? Do you trust him?

[AlienGirl]

4. My gut has a long history of screwing me over!

I trust that he feels the way he says he does. I trust that he really is who he says he is and that he really knows who he says he knows (because I have verified). He has a good record of stable prior relationships and a good relationship with his family.

But it is never far from my mind that the way I ended up in trouble the first time was believing someone who promised me he would love me forever, when no one can really know what will happen.

Tucker

[rbnyc]

7. I guess it depends most on...

...how you feel about him and what you have to lose.

What is keeping you where you are? If it's nothing, then why not take a calculated risk? If it's something, then what is it and what's it worth to you?

If you think he really loves you and you don't love him, then you should probably skip it.

[Rosie1223]

3. What exactly is he offering?

[AlienGirl]

5. Live-in boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, likely leading to marriage. nt

[Javaman]

8. wrong spot. nt

[AlienGirl]

11. Wrong time. nt

[Javaman]

9. okay, a few questions...

1) does he have bad breath? if so, don't do it.

2) does he have body odor? ranging from mildly bad to "oh my god, I can't breath", if so don't do it.

3) does he think he's funny? many people think they are funny but few people know they are funny. if so, don't do it

4) does he chew with his mouth open? if so, don't do it.

5) does he reach for the bottle of scotch before he says hello? if so, don't do it.

6) does he dress like his eyes are closed all the time? if so, don't do it.

7) Does he know art when he sees it? if so, don't do it.

8) Do various body sounds emanate from him at very inconvenient moments? aka at a intro party to someone you respect. if so, don't do it.

9) Does he consider the plight of others to be a laugh riot? if so, don't do it.

and finally...

10) if you are only in it for the money, go for it!

:rofl: :)

[AlienGirl]

16. BHO didn't seem to object to the guy's BO...

If the President hasn't objected to his smells or sounds in a closed plane cabin, I won't either.

Tucker

[LeftyMom]

10. I wouldn't move in with anybody I didn't know very well.

But what you want to do is up to you. I worry that your asking for advice might be your way of asking to be talked out of it, if you're unsure.

[AlienGirl]

14. I'm scared, but my Parrot Brain is always scared of making changes. Inventory...

I'm almost 40. I have two failed marriages, a ton of student loan and medical debt, no savings, and precarious health.

What I have where I am is a readily accessible social support network, including Sepp, who is my BFF and who I miss badly when we aren't together. What I don't have is a good chance of finding work, a way to have my kids come stay for the summers and vacations, insurance, or money. Or an in-state driver's license (because the state rules for proving residency pretty much require you to own a house, pay a utility, have a job, or get social security--none of which I do or can do). I have applied for every available job in my field, but they all require an in-state DL--except the state agency jobs, but those seem to be getting filled by workers who were laid off over the summer, and interviews have not led to any offers. Jobs outside my field--retail, part-time whatever--won't hire me because I'm "overqualified."

What I'd have there is access to Mr. Charming's home, car, and resources. He has said he will help me get a car of my own and anything else I need, including time with the kids. I also would have my old job back basically any time I wanted it, according to the HR person, or an equivalent job a county north or west. (I was GOOD at my job. I liked it a lot.) The problem would be that I have to have a car and insurance to do my job, so if Mr. Charming's offer fell through I'd be hosed. I also don't have much social support down there, because the only people I knew well there are either from work or are ex-in-laws. But if Mr. Charming is on the level, and he can stand living with me and vice versa, I'd have his entire social network as well, which stretches up and down the eastern seaboard.

It is warmer there, so more comfortable for me and the parrot, and I would have more time to get outside and do the summery stuff I like to do. I loved nature there, except the water tasted bad; but the animals and plants were fascinating. I seemed to be healthier there, with fewer and more limited sinus problems (except for the time I needed a root canal). But there are fewer resources for low-income/uninsured access.

With my old job, I would be able to afford an apartment if need be; but my credit is terrible so I probably couldn't qualify for one.

Tucker

[datasuspect]

12. i told you not to mention this to the lounge!

[AlienGirl]

15. Don't worry, they'll never guess... nt

[suninvited]

13. nope n/t

[Rabrrrrrr]

17. AlienGirl? I haven't seen you here in ages! Good to see you again!

To answer the question - if I loved the person, or thought that perhaps a period of courtship is worth pursuing, yeah, I'd go.

[AlienGirl]

18. Thanks! The real job ate a lot of time, and then some stuff got weird

I fell off the face of the Net for a while.

Tucker

[texanwitch]

19. Nothing wrong with living in the south, the question is how friendly do you have to be.

I know someone who married in name only a gay man, when his parents died she came into a decent amount of money.

You might want to ask about the money.

If you are going to invest time with this person, some decent money should be coming your way.

You do need to look out for your future.

[AlienGirl]

20. I'd probably need to make social small-talk with people, but I am able to do that

I learned a whole suite of "act like a normal human being" skills while working the Real Job.

Tucker

[texanwitch]

21. Might be a good deal.

If you can get your debt taken care of and come out clean, it might be worth it.

Still I would get the money thing worked out before hand.

That will tell you a lot about the person you are dealing with.

If they agree you will be dealing with a honest person.

You time is worth something.

Good luck, hope everything works out well.

[Moondog]

22. By Washington, DC standards, this isn't that

strange of an offer. And, as you know, the South is hardly monolithic. But there is a long tradition of arrangements such as the one you describe happening in the South.

My other comment is that what you are describing is not strange at all in European countries, where marriages can often be business relationships first and foremost. Such things are not, in fact, unheard of here, even in the South. Trust me on this one; I know whereof I speak.

So. Would I do so? No, I'm a hetero male.

Should you consider it? Only you can answer that. But what I am trying to say is that you are not screwed up for considering such an offer, if it is bona fide. If you think you can hold up your end of the deal, and that is exactly what is being offered here - a deal - and you have an exit strategy (you would be a fool to go into this without one), and you are not repulsed by it all, well, then the question is what other options do you have?

A bit of advice. What happens to you when it ends? What if your physical charms fade? Get it in writing. Better yet, get the goodies now, even if they are in a trust conditioned upon the passage of a certain amount of time. Men like this (and I know a number of them) will not be shocked by a request for what amounts to a non-nup post-nup. You are being asked to trade what is left of your youth and beauty (a transient commodity), along with your charm (which only gets better as you age), for ... what, exactly? Prepare now for when he dies, prematurely, or when he decides to replace you with a younger model. Or decline, and move on.

FWIW.

[Skittles]

23. no

good to see you, girl :hi: