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Edited on Wed Sep-16-09 09:54 PM by nuxvomica
...for a soft, comfy green bed and fell asleep.
It was well known among the Benny-Jackasite witches of the time that the prophesied one who they call the Niknak-Paddiwak would tame the giant banana slugs and be so tight with them that he would venture to a distant planet called Earth to find their favorite treat, the rarest plant in all the universe, that which we call The Vine of Life and Perfect Knowledge and Unutterable Happiness. -- from "The Encyclopedia of Galactic Cooking" by the Princess Onoshedinint
When Marnie awoke, she found herself lying on a hotel bed. The room was empty but for a few dark blobs floating about and she realized she did not have her glasses on. Marnie flailed her hands around her trying to find them but they were not in reach. She feared she had lost them. She looked up again and one of the dark blobs briefly undulated at its side as Duke Petraides moved his hand, and the object it held, behind his back. "Don't worry, dear lady," said the Duke Petraides with a broad, friendly smile that was completely lost on her, "I mean you no harm. Let me introduce myself, Duke Petraides of the planet Bu-bupkis, at your service." She paused to seeth quietly that he had called her a "lady" but reminded herself that she had gotten a tweet from twitter earlier that the world was ending and maybe she should give him a chance, like get him to find her fucking glasses. "There is not so much time," the Duke continued, "your world is how you say 'ending'. It is being covered by a green weed that you call the 'kudzu'." As he spoke, the morning light that was streaming through the hotel-room window turned from golden yellow to yellow-green to green-green to darkness. "See?" he said, grateful that the kudzu surrounding the hotel had begun enveloping it at just the right time. "Ok," she replied. "So I'm buying that but don't next try to tell me that President Obama wasn't born in Kenya."
My father, the Kukukachu Emperor Rabrrrrrr CDXX, walked me down the hallway and pointed out the portrait on the wall of Duke Petraides. "Nutcase!" he would say. "He saved that Earth planet from being overrun by the kudzu. It wasn't a planet worth saving for Giant Banana-Slug God's sake. I went there once, shortly before murdering my travel agent. But seriously, the people there plop their fat asses on the sofa and watch their 54-inch widescreen HD TVs that won't be paid for by the time junior goes to college if he even makes it without a coronary by then..." And the rant would go on all night. I tried and tried to take a different route but the palace is confusing and I'm on these meds that make me all loopy sometimes. But after a few hours he continued the history. "He had one giant banana slug with him but he needed more to eat all the kudzu. This was the same time as the Spacely Guild lockout so nothing was moving in subspace. His Benny-Jackasite mother had tagged along -- of course -- and she figured out that if the slug could mate with one of two special humans it would produce enough offspring to eradicate the kudzu. She ID'ed the two humans as a former Republican senator from Pennsylvania and Myopic Marnie. The slug nixed the former senator saying 'Look, I'm pretty slimey myself but I have my standards. You might as well offer me Jeff Gannon, for Giant Banana-Slug God's sake.' "It's too bad about the lockout," my father continued, "He could've shipped the kudzu here. The marketplace used to carry it a lot in the old days. You'd hear the cry of the kudzu-seller 'Soo-sussudio! Soo-sussudio!' all the time. Today, eh, not so much." -- from "How the Benny-Jackasites Got Their Groove Back" by the Princess Onoshedinint
Duke Petraides explained to Marnie that he needed her help to save the planet. "What can I do?" she replied. "I'll do anything. I fucking love this planet." "It's a very simple thing," he said. "You just need to marry my... uh... nephew. His name is uh... Steve." "Is he cute?" she responded, hesitantly. Duke Petraides sighed and smiled at the same time. After all his years among the giant banana slugs he could honestly answer her in the affirmative. "He sure is!" He felt liberated by this rare chance to compliment a giant banana slug without anyone suspecting him of being a "slug-hugger". At that moment, Marnie saw an eight-foot form enter the room. It was fuzzy around the edges, and she could just make out what was possibly a tuxedo and a large yellow head. Petraides explained the yellow complexion as a mild case of jaundice, the slug's size as water-weight gain from the long trip, and when she touched its slimey skin, he loudly complimented "Steve" on his religious use of moisterizer.
It was said that the Duke Petraides' greatest failure was not in preserving the boorish Earthlings and their corporate-driven culture but in failing to find a way to get all the giant banana slugs back to Bu-bupkis. The Earthlings -- surprise, surprise -- began wholesale killing of these noble beasts who had delivered them from the horror of a kudzu-covered world. -- from "I Survived My Kudzu Agony, You Can Survive Yours" by the Princess Onoshedinint
"Steve" and Marnie were married for ten years before she finally found her glasses but by that time, sadly, they no longer looked at each other anyway. The final straw was the day he came home and saw the crimson and mustard tracery along the side of the house. Marnie was standing there, her chest heaving, her mouth blowing away the tassles of hair that kept falling in front of her eyes. She was busily whacking to death a small cluster of baby giant banana slugs with a five iron. He wept when he saw her chase one, dying, into...
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