Why Can't I Commit?

[Jack_Dawson]

I have a gf. 10 years younger. We've been dating a year. She's pretty hot, judging by the way other guys leer at her. The leering was fun in the beginning, but I'm over it.

We just passed our 12 month anniversary. I bought flowers, champagne, a nice card, and took her to her favourite restaurant. She was PISSED!

She's pissed at me a lot, actually. Mostly about my inability to commit. I don't really want to commit to an angry woman, so I think we're in a bit of a chicken/egg thing.

But seriously. I live in my place, she lives in her place. We spend 3-4 nights/week together. Did I mention we also WORK together, reporting to the same boss? I crave "me" time. She's from a former Iron Curtain country, and doesn't really understand these Americans w/ their space issues. She wants the relationship to "evolve".

Help.

:beer:

[taterguy]

1. If you want help you'll have to post a pic of the hot GF

It's the only way we could give you quality advice

:toast:

[Chemisse]

2. My daughter was in your gf's situation

For 4 years. Finally she broke up with him. He was devastated and really so was she.

But in retrospect, they both think it was for the best. The reason he wouldn't commit was perhaps because he really wasn't sure about the relationship.

So my suggestion is: unless you have general commitment issues, consider breaking up and finding someone who you will be happy to commit to.

[suninvited]

3. How did that anger make you feel?

Sounds like you put a lot of thought into the celebration, but she was still pissed. Not for something you did wrong, but for not doing something that she wanted you to do.

Now imagine living the rest of your life like that, and think twice about that committment.

I think your red flags are right on.

[Jack_Dawson]

4. Suninvited you are a genius

I mean I really *tried!* For me, anyway. Trust me. Very discouraging to get the reception I did...

:beer:

[jeff30997]

5. Commit ?

What ? Wedding,2.5 kids,2 cars plus a pet or two ? It's been done to death. Yawn !
I say let her eat cake if she's not even able to appreciate all your efforts
to please her and is nagging all the time.

[1]

6. come on, jack. commit! of course she is pissed at you. you won't commit!

tomorrow morning (monday) get a lawyer and legally present, voluntarily, 50% of everything you now have (or ever will have) to her.

that will show your commitment.


she will still be pissed at you (trust me, she will find something) but you will have demonstrated commitment, as is your duty in the modern relationship.

the only downside is that after she owns 50% of your shit, she will want more. and she will withhold sex from you (to be awarded to the "other leering guys" you thought were your friends.)


you can then experience "hall sex." that's when you pass each other in a hall and give each other the finger. your relationship will then be complete.

until, of course, she gets the court order banishing you from your own house, as it will be hers now.




sorry, jack. you lost this game the moment you decided to compete...

[Shell Beau]

37. Well damn

[RadiationTherapy]

41. This explains so, so much about your posts.

[Deja Q]

7. Interesting scenario...

Wait a minute, you're 10 years her senior, have dated her only one year and now she wants lifetime partnership? Wow, and I thought I was clingy! (Not as clingy now, or so I like to think.)

But being 10 years younger, she's probably naive. Granted, I'm still naive and at age 37, I'm about ready to use a Zimmer frame and tell little snotty brats to get the hell off my landlord's lawn...

Mind you, every relationship needs both partners to have 'me' time.

When she thinks 'commit', does that imply that only you go with her and vice-versa, neither of you dating other people?

[JeanGrey]

8. Marry her or lose her. You can still have "space" when you

married. I've been married 32 years and never felt crowded.

[Pharlo]

9. I guess it depends on how each of you defines 'commit'.

To her, it appears to be marriage, house, children.

To you it appears to be 'well, we're going together exculsively for a year - that's a form of commitment. What more do you want?'

Looks to me like you're both at different points in your 'commit' spectrum. Either get used to being with a pissed off woman all the time, commit to something you are not ready for, or call it quits.

Sorry, but right now, those are your options.

Personally, I'd go with option three for the simple reason that one is NO fun, and two, forcing yourself into something you're not ready for - relationship wise - is never a good idea.

[Orrex]

10. From "a former Iron Curtain country?" She's obviously a spy.

And she doesn't want you to commit; it's clear that she wants you committed.


Personally I'm concerned about your purity of essence.

[Bucky]

20. Which brings us to plan B.

Marry her, find out what her espionage activities are, then turn her into the FBI. After that, make a fucking mint selling your story to Lifetime Television for a movie of the week, hit the Oprah circuit, then count the days until you get some hot "visitation day" sex at her federal prison. You'll have all the space you need until her prison term is up, by which time she's probably going to be deported to her iron curtain country of origin, which these days means it's a hotbed center of the porn industry. Move in with her then and just wait for more hot sex with a Hungarian-Slovenian porn star threesome.

Yes, this is a great plan.

[MrsBrady]

11. How can a woman be pissed at flowers?

Thats weird to me.

I've been married for just 2.5 years. Before that I was very single.
I came close to marriage about three times, but twice it was the guys and once
it was me that ended it. I used to think that I was dating people who
didn't want to commit. I realize now that I picked people who were unavailable
because I was unavailable...I didn't really want to be married.
I was 34 when i met my husband, but I never really thought at that point that
marriage would happen because I was enjoying being single.
We eloped three weeks after our 1st dating anniversary, cuz we just decided we
wanted to be together. Not much drama, really.
If you really want to get married do, and if you are not sure then don't.

[seabeyond]

14. that is how i was

interesting you.

but i was consciously well aware i was unavailable and had no desire to committ. lol. but at 32 met a man that i actually could spend a weekend with. all other guys, by end of evening i wanted gone.

i figured that was as big of a clue in as i was gonna get, so said what the hell. will give it a try. lol.

15 yrs later, good decision

[pitohui]

24. because flowers are the "i'm sorry, i fucked up" gift, not a real gift

guy drives his truck into your house, he buys you roses (this actually happened to me)

i read once in an older book that guys used to buy the girl flowers in the 50s if the girl didn't get an O, no idea if it's true or not but this much i know is true -- flowers are the "i'm sorry" gift

a real gift is abt you and your interests, flowers are pretty darn generic and unthoughtful

[MrsBrady]

39. i guess...

maybe I have low expectations....
my husband has bought me flowers maybe 4 times...unexpectedly.
I thought it was sweet.

[seabeyond]

12. attributes of gf. 10 yr younger. hot. guys leer/did feel good.

why cant you commit?

hm....

[Jack_Dawson]

45. Hmm...

oh no you didn't just allude to nonsense, really Liam?

[Capn Sunshine]

13. dude

if you have to ask, she isn't the one.
But I'm a true romantic.

[Avalux]

15. So tell me again WHY you are with this woman?

The first thing you said about your gf is that "she's hot". Is that why you are in the relationship? Maybe you need to think about that; the reason why you are with this woman, especially if she is 'angry' and doesn't understand space issues. Good sex isn't a good enough reason. Maybe she thinks she can change you, that if she gets angry enough you will wake up one morning and put a ring on her finger. If she does, she's a fool because her behavior is pushing you the other way.

You will commit to a woman when you are ready to do so - when you find someone who accepts you for who you are, flaws and all.

[AwakeAtLast]

16. She sounds a tad ungrateful

I would have loved all of those things. If she's expecting something it is because of her, not you - unless you two have discussed moving your relationship further towards commitment.

I would be surprised if you haven't discussed even rudimentary plans in an entire year's time, however. :shrug:

[MorningGlow]

17. Why can't you commit? You don't love her.

Sounds glib, but I'm serious. I mean, you may love her, but not enough to want to spend the rest of your life with her without question. That's not a bad thing; not everybody who dates for a year (or even longer) should get married. Follow your nose; follow your gut; follow your heart: If you get tetchy longing for your own personal space and can't understand that she wants an engagement ring instead of a nice dinner and flowers for your anniversary, take those as signs that your relationship isn't going anywhere.

When two people are meant to be together, they know it. IMO, I wouldn't hold out much hope for this relationship of yours.

Sorry to be so blunt, Jack. I do hope things work out for the best for both of you, no matter what the outcome. :hi:

[lildreamer316]

33. +1. I hate to sound corny, but with the 'right' person, you won't even have to think about it.

It will just be a given.

[Dystopian]

36. Corny....

Not at all...I agree.
It's just that simple...
We know...it's a given....

peace~

[Jack_Dawson]

46. Thanks Morningglow. As do I n/t

[Moondog]

18. It sounds like you have two problems.

One, you're involved with a woman with a temper, and one who is manipulative enough that she is willing to use that temper to control and punish you. If you marry her, or just move in with her, this will not change. It may go away for a while, but it will be back. And trust me, it won't get better over time. Unless you like the whole anger / make up cycle and want to do this for the rest of your life, it's time to cut your losses. Otherwise, why don't you just buy her a house now, not move in, and then break it off - that's where this will probably end up anyway, and you will spare yourself a lot of the grief that will happen between those two end states.

Two, you're involved with a woman that you work with. Complete with a common supervisor. This will not end well. Whether you marry her, move in with her, or move on with your life, this will not end well. Start thinking about your next career move, unless you think that she will switch employers when all this comes to a head. But allow for the possibility that she will try to punish you at work, too, and start preparing an exit strategy. Now.

There are a lot of hot women, wonderful women out there. Not all of them have tempers. Not all of them are controlling and manipulative. And not all of them work where you do. It's your choice.

[Bucky]

19. Advice: take the cork out of your ass.

An angry woman is a passionate woman. Read "make up sex". If you need space, ask her for it. Marry the girl. Unless you're 25 years old, a ten year age difference doesn't mean squat.

PS, I don't know anything about you.

 

[DevonRex]

21. You're totally screwed. You don't really want her but you work with her.

The better question is why on earth would you get that long into a relationship with somebody you work with unless you were head over heels crazy in love.

You're not. That's why you can't commit to this one. And you're screwed.

[proteus_lives]

22. That's my problem with relationships too.

I've been with ladies that I love spending time with but alone time always remains important. But most people (men and women) I've noticed seem to prefer always being with someone, which I don't understand. You have to talk to her about this. It sounds like she's ready to nest and this might be a make-or-break situation.

[pitohui]

23. i take it she was pissed because after the big build up she expected a proposal?

you want a fuck buddy, she wants a husband

i think you should find a different hot 10 yr younger GF who is looking for what you're looking for -- a good time

there's nothing wrong with not wishing to commit, esp. to someone who seems to be buying into the whole let's get married and make babies and be miserable just like our folks thing

there's A LOT wrong w. continuing to lead somebody on, who you know damn good and well expects to take a different path than you're willing to take

there is no shortage of hot girls, find one who wants what you want, someone who immigrated here in search of a "better life" by which they mean "catching an employed husband" is not a good catch for a guy who needs space

and since she's angry a lot, maybe let her think the break-up is HER idea, so she can save face at work

look, i hear you, i'm a female who needs space, all i can tell you is, you know the girl has different ideas but you're willing to put up w. fights/anger to get laid...what does that say about your confidence in your ability to find somebody else? you're disrespecting yourself a little bit here

it's soooo tempting to wait until you've already met the next good thing, but then it really gets complicated and the current will feel cheated and i dunno, friend

the decent thing to do is go your separate ways, but what we really do in real life is to keep this one on tap whilst beginning the interview process for the new hire...

[MilesColtrane]

25. "She's from a former Iron Curtain country, and...She wants the relationship to "evolve". "

She wants you to spend more time with her trying to thwart Moose and Squirrel?

[abbeyco]

26. I can't believe she was that ungrateful for the anniversary

gesture - unless she was expecting something different, like jewelry, then she sounds rather spoiled. But more than that, not appreciating your gesture just sucks.

Just got out of a 1 yr relationship and he didn't want/wouldn't let me do my nice girlfriend-y things for him...but expected me to keep offering to do them.

People that can't or won't receive your affection - including gestures - just aren't worth it. JMHO, of course.

Good luck!

[MorningGlow]

27. Addendum: An observation

I'm finding the responses on this thread reveal a whole lot more about the responders than you, Jack. Lots of wounded and angry DUers out there, methinks.

[GreenPartyVoter]

28. Maybe the fairest thing you can do is let her go so she can find someone who wants what she wants?

[pink-o]

29. Dude "10 years younger"? That's your problem!

Check out cougars next time! We don't want the whole conventional relationship, marriage, commitment thang. In fact, we know what a drain men are if they're around all the time. They're worse than kids, they don't cook, they don't pick up after themselves, they expect us to grease the wheels and make their lives easier--all this, while we work a full-time job and try to find enough hours for our own interests! Screw that. Cougars are not gonna carry your water.

Most cougars are divorced, most are in NO F'IN' HURRY to repeat the marriage experience again. So you'd have nothing to worry about.

And we're hot too!


Proof. Me in March
<a href="" target="_blank"><img src="" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

(Okay, I'm only half-being sarcastic, because I was the one woman in my 20s who was deathly afraid of commitment. So I feel your pain, I don't get why my sistahs demand all this stupid shit, only to end up bitter cuz they're in indentured servitude. No one I know is really happy in their marriage--men and women are either settled into a habit or totally disappointed. There's a lot to be said for that alone time--for both genders.)

[DFW]

30. I know someone who is happy in their marriage

Namely me!
We met when I was playing music in a cabaret in West Berlin in 1974.
This was 2 days ago (I'm the one who really looks his age, but we're both 57):


We BOTH allow each other their space, always have. Priceless ingredient, for sure.

[seabeyond]

34. another happy one, ... no pict though, and i know quite a few happy marriages

and space is allowed in our house too. we even have seperate interests, lol. works for us.

love your picture. beee u tee full.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

31. Look at what you wrote -

the only thing you had to say about your GF is that she's "hot," or so you glean from how other men leer at her.

You say absolutely nothing about loving her - or even liking her.

Neat. You get laid a few nights a week, and you still get to go home. Flowers, champagne, card, restaurant - pfffft. That's easy - anyone can do that. It's all for show, but lacks imagination and/or heart. You're happy enough to "commit" enough time it takes for you to get off, but not beyond that. She probably feels exactly as you've treated her - like a receptacle.

She's younger, it's been a year, and you're just fine with how things are? Well, what's in it for her? She probably wants marriage and children - most women do - and your observance of the anniversary said nothing except that you're happy with how things are.

You didn't give much thought to what she might want.

Most telling, though, is that you expressed nothing but concern for YOUR feelings. Absolutely nothing for her, except to condemn her as "angry."

If she's smart, she'll find someone else. You don't care for her, or about her, and, again, what's in this for her?

[Skittles]

32. because you don't want to

if she doesn't get that, get another girlfriend - preferably a more mature one

[demmiblue]

35. Another thought: she really isn't that in to you.

Weird, I know. It sounds like she may be insecure... she uses you to validate her (hence the constant 'pissedness' and possessiveness). People who are comfortable in their own skin do not act like that. They either accept the situation, or move on (of course, with difficulty). I am thinking that soon after you make a more solid commitment, she may move on.

This is just an alternative explanation. I do, however, question the reasons that you are with her (your first sentence). Perhaps she picked up on that.

:shrug:

[Yavin4]

38. Maybe You Have A Rollback Statement Somewhere In Your Code

Check your SQL.

[Name removed]

40. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Zavulon]

42. Bail.

I know from my travels to the Iron Curtain countries that being married is a status symbol for the lion's share of these women and that 95% of them want to start families. Anything less than a full commitment won't fly with the girl you're describing, and you obviously don't want one - at least not with her. Good for you for recognizing that and not being stupid enough to just go ahead and marry the hot chick.

Bail. The longer this plays out, the louder the screams will be from her when it all ends and she goes into that inevitable rant about how you led her on and wasted her time, even if there isn't a grain of truth to that.

Never commit to someone you can live with. Commit to someone you can't live without. No matter how you slice it, you can obviously live without this girl, and she almost certainly wants the piece of paper.

[VMI Dem]

43. Kick her to the curb. Find one thats hotter.

And younger.

[CJCRANE]

44. She was obviously hoping for a ring.

That would have been the icing on the cake for her.

As for space issues, I think most guys have that, that's why they have hobbies like fishing or hiking or tinkering with their car/motorbike, activities where they can get away from other people.