Breaking: Unprotected Classical Musician Sex Causes "Fiedler Crabs" Epidemic, Boston Pops Orchestra

[Amerigo Vespucci]

CNN, BOSTON- Rampant, unprotected sex among the principal musicians of the Boston Pops Orchestra has produced an outbreak of epidemic proportions centering on an aggressive, drug-resistant form of the infamous pubic or crab louse, named "Fiedler Crabs" after long-time conductor Arthur Fiedler (December 17, 1894 – July 10, 1979) by a group of Pops musicians who wish to remain nameless. "He would have gotten a big kick out of it," declared one of the anonymous musicians. "No, he most certainly would not," shouted back current conductor Keith Lockhart. "You're all a bunch of bloody peasants."



Above: Pthirus pubis, nicknamed "The Fiedler Crab."

The pubic or crab louse, colloquially termed "crabs", (Pthirus pubis, commonly misspelled Phthirus pubis) is a parasitic insect species notorious for infesting human genitals. The species may also live on other areas with hair, including the eyelashes. They feed exclusively on blood. Humans and gorillas are the only known hosts of this parasite.

The Boston Pops Orchestra has canceled all of its remaining shows for 2009. When asked how he would handle the downtime, one musician responded that he'll be dividing his time between "practicing my cello and scratching my balls...come to think of it, this really won't change things for me all that much."

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