I am about as angry as I can get

[MissMillie]

Two things this morning....

I went to pay some bills (I'm put in the position of actually writing the checks for my son's bills because his idea of dealing w/ financial trouble is to ignore it until all hell breaks loose) and while going through the papers I have discovered that my son got a $170 speeding ticket at the end of April. Of course, he didn't pay it, so now it's even more expensive.

The thing is, in order to keep all the finances straight, I put my son's car in my name and put him on my insurance. There will be a surcharge. His portion of my $4100/year insurance bill is already $3500 (and I'm the one driving the newer, more expensive auto).

He knows we're trying to dig out, and he can't keep his FRICKIN' SPEED DOWN???????

I'm ready to spit nails.



Second, the landlord did some renovations to my bathroom last week. The litterboxes are in there. Millie has decided that she doesn't like the new bathroom, and has decided to use our beds as her piss box. So today, I'm treating my bedding to "urine OUT" and washing all of it.



It's bad enough that I'm upset over these things, but now I've been completely de-railed from my plans for the day (I know I shouldn't let that happen, but it's a very common occurrence these days as I battle w/ the stress headaches and the situational depression). But the speeding ticket.... that's money that could have gone to digging him out of one of his other financial flubs.

I'm trying so hard to teach him about how to handle finances. He really is a smart kid, but has absolutely no sense about how to get the money out that's supposed to go out using the money that is coming in (which is saddest because right now he has no obligation for rent or food--I'm covering that.

I feel like sisyphus.

[siligut]

1. Don’t know what to say.

Just wanted to say something. Sorry for your troubles:hug:. And does Urine Out really work?

[MissMillie]

4. It will get enough of the smell out to make it unnoticeable to me

I don't know whether or not the cat will still be able to smell it, but I don't intend to give any of them access to my room to find out if they'll return to the spot for a repeat performance

[Strong Atheist]

2. Hate to say this, but I personally know FOUR people who have had this

situation go on for years, 2 of which have NEVER gotten out of it... sometimes, when you (generic you) keep enabling, the situation never changes... just sayin'...

[raccoon]

3. Have you tried Al Anon? I don't know if your son is drinking or using, but

whether he is or not, sounds like you're enabling him.

My grandmother enabled my father six ways from Sunday. He never had to face consequences for anything. Lived with his mother until she died. He died just a few years later.

[MissMillie]

8. You are the second person to suggest this to me

He does have a few drinks a couple of times a week, and I know he smokes pot once in a while. I don't know if he is spending his own money on this... the new rules were that I get to see the paycheck before he cashes it, and once he cashes it, I give him an allowance that has to pay for his gasoline to get to work and back.

Maybe I am fooling myself into believing that this is a money issue, rather than a substance issue.

He has a friend here who lives w/ us who will often remind him that he can work his way to independence if he's willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and as much as the friend drives me a little nuts, I believe she is good for him, so I let her stay here.

I've let him fall before. He fell hard. It was excruciating to watch. Going through it again may be what he needs, but I truly don't know if I can do it again.

[raccoon]

11. My best to you.

:hug:

Al Anon has helped me a lot, with just about all my relationships with people. Which is why I like to recommend it.

[Arkansas Granny]

5. Just out of curiosity, how old is your son and does he still live with you?

[MissMillie]

10. He's 21, pushing 22

and yes, he lives w/ me. So does his friend.

Both are underemployed.

[Inchworm]

6. Of the $170 I bet the fine is only like $20

The rest is court costs. Well, that's how it was for me. Nine miles over.. $155ish. First speeding ticket I'd had in 23 years.

If it isn't too late perhaps you can barter with the magistrate. Go for 9 over. If it's a first it doesn't go on insurance.

:hug:

[MissMillie]

9. the detailed bill says $170 for the fine

It's $50 for the first 10 mph over the speed limit, and then $10/mph over that. There are additional charges and late fees that bring this up to $225. (Which is almost a car payment for him, so as you can see, it makes a difference to someone who is supposedly trying to "dig out.")

This is not his first speeding ticket (which is why his portion of the insurance is so high already).

[Inchworm]

13. Ouch

That's a different story then. I'd take him off my insurance and put him to work. That's just me. I'm mean.

Sorry Millie.

:hug:

[MissMillie]

14. To my estimate that's 87 mph

on the Mass Pike

He's working, but he's about to be laid off.

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

7. A little tough love

might be in order for the boy. If he gets a ticket and ignores it and you rescue him, what does he learn? :)

[MissMillie]

12. He will pay for it out of his money

I won't pay for it.

And he will pay the surcharges on the insurance. But it means that he will have to work harder and longer to get out of the financial mess.

[tigereye]

15. ya know, Millie, maybe it's time for him to dig out from under his own stuff

I don't know how he's gonna learn if you keep bailing him out. Or did you guys already try that?


I say this having read over time about all your efforts on his behalf, and as a fellow mom.


Best of luck to you. :hug:

[elleng]

16. SO sorry to hear this

and my only suggestion (about your son) is do whatever you can, whenever you can, to let HIM live with the consequences of his own behavior. Structure things differently?

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

17. My dear MissMillie...

Sometimes our anger can give us a clarifying moment, a moment when our proper course of action becomes clear.

I think you already know this, and I think you know what you need to do.


He needs to go, and NOW. No more enabling. You are putting up with what should not be put up with.

I got angry just reading what you've written...

I can just imagine where you are.


He will never grow up while you're rescuing him. Do you really want that?

Hugs for you. This is a tough place for you...:hug: :hug:

[flvegan]

18. Two months delinquent on a ticket? In FL, that license would be suspended.

Good luck, MM, I wish you and your son the best in digging out of this.