If you can say something funny that will cheer me up...please do.

[Left Is Write]

Please?

[blogslut]

1. Funny word of the day:

tutu

[unpossibles]

2. um... crap

I am normally pretty good at this, but am drawing a blank.

how about: it could always be worse...?

[taterguy]

3. You talkin to me?

[DeepBlueC]

26. FREE AT LAST!!!!!!!!

:fistbump:

[unpossibles]

4. have you tried to get your RDA of cute?

cuteoverload.com
icanhascheezburger.com

maybe watch some keyboard cat videos?

[Deep13]

5. Guess what!

Chicken butt.

[BeachBaby]

6. I don't know how funny this would be to you, but....

just a little while ago, I sneaked over to the crop fields right after the migrant workers left, to see what was growing there. Turns out it's a cucumber crop. Turns out they left some loose on the field.

Turns out I took one and ate it. :P

[Left Is Write]

7. I wish you were my neighbor.

Come over and I'll make a pitcher of bloody marys.

[BeachBaby]

10. Woohoo! I LOVE that stuff!!!

One of the fields is growing green bell peppers. I'll bring some of those - and some cucumbers - to slice up and dip into our drinks. Yum!!!!

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

21. I thought about you yesterday

I was behind somebody in a convertible at a red light and they were wearing a Confederate Flag visor.

[BeachBaby]

23. A convertible and a Confederate Flag visor.

That's just fucked up.

Do you have Tractor Supply stores up that way? I was in one of them today - to get the 50 pound bag of dog food - and the dude in front of me was sporting a blue t-shirt with a big, bright Confederate Flag on the back. I had to bite my tongue so as not to say anything.

I watched him as he walked out to his F-350 - complete with a Confederate flag decal, and God Bless Our Troops decal, on the tail. :eyes:

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

24. And it wasn't like a redneck convertible or anything

It was a new Audi, which definitely made it weirder.

Yeah, we've got tractor supply up here. We don't get dog food there, but we do get dog beds, bird seed and once about a 1000 lbs of cherry pits there.

Never saw any confederate flags there, though.

[Fire Walk With Me]

8. Don't sweat the petty things,

and don't pet the sweaty things.

[Inchworm]

9. I suggest a small excercise

Say "buttcrack: three times real fast. If no smile, attempt 4 times.

:hug:

buttcrack - buttcrack - buttcrack - ...

[Deep13]

11. So, a patient needs a brain transplant and visits the supplier.

There, various brains are depicted with the name of the donor and the price. Among them are three presidential brains: Jimmy Carter for $5000, Richard Nixon for $4500 and George W. Bush for $20,000.

"Why so much for Bush?" the patient asks.

"Condition," answers the vendor. "It's never been used."

:shrug: I know. I'm running on fumes here.

[Oeditpus Rex]

12. Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer?

Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!



:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:









Best I could do on short notice.

:hug:

[Sigh Sister]

13. A joke....

Gordon was doing a study testing the senses of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.

The children began to say;
"Red...................cherry",
"Yellow..............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange..............orange"

Finally Gordon gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may call your father at times."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! Spit them out! They're assholes!!!'

(It's an oldie, but I love it!)

[eyepaddle]

14. A priest, a clown and a horse walk into a bar

and the bartender says "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Well, it always makes me chuckle anyway!

Plus, I'm glas to see you're still here on DU, I took a few months off and am still trying to figure out who has drifted off, and who I am just missing by chance.

[LostInAnomie]

15. My two favorite youtube vids.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GA8z7f7a2Pk&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vt2i0ts-uck

[Deep13]

16. What sits in a bush and makes a lot of noise?

A blueberry with a machine gun.




What's the difference between and elephant and a grape?

The grape is purple.




What did Tarzan say when he saw elephants approaching?

Here come the grapes! (He was color blind).




What did Tarzan say whe he saw elephants approaching in sunglasses?

Nothing. He didn't recognize them.

[Xipe Totec]

17. Milihellen (n).

The quantity of beauty needed to launch one ship.

[Moondog]

18. I have this neighbor.

He's probably 30 or more years older than I am. He seems healthy enough, but I don't see him out and about that much.

The last time I ran into him I asked him what he'd been doing with himself lately.

He said "well, I'm fortunate to have a background in chemical engineering. And one of the things that I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, scotch and margaritas into urine."

[no name no slogan]

19. I just slammed my nuts in the cardoor

That's freaking hi-larious!

[southlandshari]

31. You can do better than that

Don't make me pull out the old link.

:P

[Sky Masterson]

20. Okay

"something funny" :yoiks: :P

[Juche]

22. I've got an assbucket of decent videos

Enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y-ZNX1jqbOk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01l1WIC9mBo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AXPnH0C9UA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1bCMWLFKWo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-5W58LoiSEQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCxgmPEt7Y4

[pokerfan]

25. Things people actually said in court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

[Orrex]

27. An oldie but a... well, it's an oldie, at least

Rumsfeld and the recently ousted President are at a quiet bar and discussing Bush's legacy over drinks. Bush, famously a teetotaler, is on his third Shirley Temple, while the former Secretary has just ordered his fourth double scotch.

Suddenly an old drunk at the opposite end of the bar totters to his feet and shouts at the former President. "You're mother's a dirty tramp!" he exclaims.

Rumsfeld is clearly offended, but Bush says nothing.

"If I had a nickel for every time I've screwed your mother," says the man. "I'd be rich!"

Still, Bush says nothing, but the man wasn't finished.

"She loves it rough," he went on, "and she loves it filthy. The rougher and filther, the better!"

Finally, Rumsfeld can take no more. "Golly, Mr. President, how can you let him talk about your mother that way?"

Bush nods and, reluctantly, addresses the man. "Go home, dad. You're drunk."
* * * *
Rumsfeld is taken aback. "Mr. President, that's not your father."

"Oh, no?" snaps the 43rd. "Then how does he know all that stuff about Mom?"

[flying rabbit]

28. Two cannibals are eating a clown...

First one sez: Does this taste funny to you?

[From The Ashes]

29. my favorite joke:

An old man was sitting on his rocking chair when little Billy walked by carrying a roll of chicken wire. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some chickens!" The old man told him you can't catch chickens with chicken wire, but a little while later Billy returned with some chickens.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some duct tape. The old man asked, "Where are you going, Billy?" Little Billy replied, "To catch some ducks!" The old man told him you can't catch ducks with duct tape, but a little while later Billy returned with some ducks.

The next day, the old man saw Billy walk by again, this time with some pussy willow.

"Hold on, son, I'm coming with you!"

[southlandshari]

30. I'm not really all that funny, but...

...if there is one thing I know it is that you deserve to laugh every day of your life because you have brought so much good to the lives of others.

:hug:

On that note...

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

Thank God we didn't have cell phones back in the day. Just sayin'...

[Pale Blue Dot]

32. I just beat you in Scramble!

:rofl:

You see, it's funny because it's so implausible!

:rofl:

[Strong Atheist]

33. Uummm...

This?

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5430343841227974645

:hide: