a wierd question about death and family

[backwoodsbob]

my stepsister for 20 years died Friday (no I'm sorries..I'm fine and so was she)

She had battled problems for years and her body finally gave up.

My problem?...My wierdass fundie family FILMED her death and showed it to me :wtf:


Anyone else ever dealt with this?

We were the only two atheists in the family...we talked alot and she was fine with her impending death but I'm sure she didnt agree to allow some fundies to tape her death to use in whatever way they will.

What to do?

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear backwoodsbob...

Now, that is weird. Not much you can do; it's done.

I guess I'd politely decline any future viewings...

I don't see how they could really use this...everyone dies, after all...

:shrug:

[backwoodsbob]

5. it was just REALLY disturbing

I got a call here in SW Virginia Friday after work that she had died so I went up to Detroit *long drive and how about you Ohio folk clean the damned deer off the turnpike*

A half hour after I get there they insisted on showing me video of her death...was just really surreal.

Like I said...I'm ok with her death..sad for me but she's out of a lifetime of pain...just really wierd

[Ilsa]

40. Uncool.The body can make some very awkward sounds

after death, and I wouldn't want to be remembered that way, personally. I think it is very weird that they taped it.

[Kali]

2. Personally I find it a little morbid/weird.

Intrusive and if against her wishes I would maybe request they not show it to anyone else but bottom line it's their business, I guess.

My in laws took pix of the dad in his casket and that kind of mortified me until I remembered it was common to do things like that at the beginning of photography - lots of dead people pix from the 1800's.

[Ptah]

3. Some of that popularity might be due to the long exposure times for cameras back in the day

:shrug:

[Kali]

6. because they could sit still better than the living?

could be - also you get the feeling some of them were trophies - when they were of "outlaws"

[Ptah]

7. Yes, early cameras required about a twenty minute exposure.

No doubt trophy points were counted.

[mopinko]

45. had more to do with the newness of the whole idea and

not getting a chance to get a picture taken until it was "too late". especially with children.

[murielm99]

48. The "too late" part was especially true.

Life expectancy was shorter. Many people had their children for such a brief time. They wanted to remember them.

[FloridaJudy]

11. My uncle insisted we photograph my mother's corpse.

But then if you knew my family, you'd realize this is par for the course. After my sister finished doing it, she turned to me and said "Well, at least we don't have to worry about red eye from the flash". Then we both cracked up. My mother had been sick and depressed for a long time, so it was something of a relief when she died.

I do not have the pictures. Neither my sister nor I are that crazy.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

37. I've seen photos from the early twentieth century,

my Italian immigrant grandfather's friends. When one died, they'd prop up the casket, and everyone would stand around it, posing for the photographer.

The reason was so they could send it back to the deceased's family in the Old Country. They could see how he looked, and they could also see who went to his funeral.

They were utterly creepy.

But it pales next to the idea of someone filming a death. Without her express consent, I'd say they are a bunch of fucking ghouls.................

[sammythecat]

4. Wow, that is a weird one

From your description of your stepsister, this was clearly disrespectful. They shouldn't have done it and they shouldn't "use" it.

I don't know what their attitude or motivation was, so I can't say how I'd react. Whatever the case, I sure wouldn't want to have to deal with something so odd. Sounds like a family fight coming up, I'm afraid. Good luck.

I'll be interested to see some of the comments.

[Texasgal]

8. When my grandmother died some few years ago

my weird ass Uncle kept snapping pictures of our reactions as we got our first look at her at her viewing. I was so pissed off! He then proceeded to snap pictures in all kinds of angles of her laying in her casket! :mad:

I really felt violated! I snapped at him and told him he was sick son'of'a'bitch and stormed out of the funeral home. I haven't spoken to him since and I don't plan to. He violated me and my family... he is worth nothing but the gum stuck on he bottom of my shoe!

My advice? Tell them they are sick! Tell them that they VIOLATED you! Don't let them think it's okay!

[backwoodsbob]

10. they didn't mean any harm and they certainly didn't harm her

I just thought it was wierd.Some fundie shit I assumed but don't know since I don't know shit about fundie shit

[Rabrrrrrr]

15. Jesus. Over-react much?

"they VIOLATED you!"

:eyes:

Fucking hell.

[Texasgal]

They did VIOLATE ME!

My feelings were violated you asshole!

[Rabrrrrrr]

21. Not what I posted. Calm down. Take a breath.

I never questioned your emotions about what happened to YOU.

:eyes:

Fucking hell.

[Texasgal]

22. Your still an asshole.

So there.

[Rabrrrrrr]

26. Gee, that means so much to me.

:eyes:

Fucking hell, learn to read.

I was reacting to your total over-reacting in screaming "they VIOLATED you!" to the OP. I said nothing about your experience.

But, you know, believe whatever you want. The facts are on my side, so I'm comfortable.

[snooper2]

52. you should have posted "you are"

not "your" by the way






:)

[Javaman]

56. Some people will never get it.

I completely agree with what you wrote.

There are pricks on this board that just enjoy being pricks.

[vadawg]

24. hate to say this but you are not the most important person in that situation except to yourself

the relative taking pictures had as much right as you to be there it seems, and if you felt violated well thats just part of life, and death.

[backwoodsbob]

27. where the fuck did I say I felt violated?

I Have said SEVERAL TIMES I wasn't offended.

some quotes from THIS thread.

*(no I'm sorries..I'm fine and so was she)*

*.was just really surreal.*

*they didn't mean any harm and they certainly didn't harm her*

Those were all MY quotes..where the fuck did you get I felt violated from that?
:shrug:

[Rabrrrrrr]

28. He was posting to texasgal, backwoodsbob.

[backwoodsbob]

31. if you look

he replied to the OP..in other words..my post

[Texasgal]

33. This is getting silly.

YOU asked how WE would feel about your story... and I told you...only to be shat on.

I don't get it.

Do you have some guideline I should follow when answering your posts? Thanks in advance.

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. Yes, totally silly indeed - backwoodsbob didn't shit on you at all,

so yes, it's totally silly that you now accuse him of shitting on you.

[backwoodsbob]

39. comsidering I never replied to you

this is how I feel.

You should hire me a cabana boy to get me over this trying time...supply him with plenty of top shelf liquor and maybe send me ten brittany spears lookalikes.

If you do that I'll consider not shitting on you...oh..and a case of bud select

[Texasgal]

41. am I in bizzaro world?

You did reply to me:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=8780116&mesg_id=8780179

Tell ya what. I won;t reply to you anymore. Deal?

[backwoodsbob]

42. ok I did reply to you once

how did you get I was shitting on you from that?

[Texasgal]

44. Nevermind.

I am so sorry that I posted my opinion.

I'm done.

Good night. :hi:

[vadawg]

29. erm im not sure if your seeing the posts im actually replying to

dont know if you have someone on ignore but both times you have thought i was taking you to task, i wasnt. I actually agree with you and think you have a good handle on the situation.

[backwoodsbob]

32. omg I'm sorry

I have a grand total of ONE regular poster here on ignore.

I'm so sorry

I guess because I have that person on ignore it was defaulting your posts on my screen as replies to me.

I'm so sorry

[vadawg]

34. no problem, its easier to converse without misunderstanding over an open fire with some shine

than to use these complicated internets things. I totally got that there was confusion abound. no apoligies needed

[backwoodsbob]

43. obviously I took that poster off ignore now

wondering why :)
:pals:

[supernova]

9. Sounds like a 21st Century update of casket photos

which is a peculiar southern habit. Taking pics of the corpse. Didn't the undertaker do a nice job?

I don't mind viewing the body of someone I have known at a wake, but taking pics of it is odd and morbid.

I'm with Peggy, the only thing you can do is decline any future viewings.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

35. It's also an older generation Midwestern habit

One that creeps me out, frankly.

[Haole Girl]

12. Hadn't heard, until now, of anybody doing that

I always assumed death/dying wouldn't even be something someone would want to record or view again. It is certainly not something I would want anybody to have to view who didn't absolutely need to. How horrible. And how icky. Especially if your step-sister didn't agree to it.

[struggle4progress]

13. I wouldn't have watched it. And if I were at a deathbed, I'd ask anyone with a camera to leave

[vadawg]

16. If i was there i would tell you if you dont like it to leave, different people deal with death

in different ways, my whole life i have seen the births and deaths of my family close up, and taking pictures of both is fairly common practice. In fact the only children who i havent taken birth pictures of were my own, but my sister took them for them.

[struggle4progress]

17. Don't worry: I won't be forcing myself into the hospital rooms of dying strangers

to snatch cameras from their photobug relatives

[vadawg]

19. hospital rooms hell, until 2 years ago no one and i mean no one in my family died in hospital

we were born and died under the wheel, ive told my wife if i fall in the line of duty, fre christs sake dont let them let me die indoors and especially not in a hospital aaaarrrrggghhhhh

[backwoodsbob]

23. chill..I didnt say I was offended..I even said I'm sure they didnt mean any harm

Do you always have your panties in such a wad?

[vadawg]

25. sorry was this aimed at me, not sure, i got what you were saying

you were just inquisitive as to why they would take film, no offense meant or taken.

[struggle4progress]

30. If you're aiming at me instead of vadawg, I'll just say: I was telling you how I'd react

[NNadir]

14. I find most death rituals bizarre. I wish I had skipped my mother's funeral, to be frank.

Images of the thing bugged me for years.

I have asked my wife to either have a closed casket with a low cost incineration - a land fill incinerator would be fine - or to ship me off to a medical school when it's over.

But my oldest son is fascinated by my discussion of excarnation, which he thinks his cool.

Happily I'll miss the whole business, but I'd like to think of the boys remembering me alive.

[struggle4progress]

18. well, there's something we agree on

[Duer 157099]

20. Well you've given me something new to think about

It never occurred to me that this is done, but now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not even sure what I think or feel about it.

On the one hand, I can see how something like this could be useful to help the surviving friends/family deal with the death. Some people do better with the closure angle if they have seen with their own eyes, either the person on their death bed, or a body in a casket.

On the other hand, it seems awfully intrusive upon the dying person. I doubt I would want my last moments filmed - hell, I barely want any of my living moments filmed!

So I guess I would say that if the dying person either consents or requests it, then it's fine. Otherwise, probably just disrespectful to the memory of the person.

But interesting to think about anyway. We all, as a people, have some weird ideas and thoughts and traditions about death. You'd think that we'd have learned by now that it's utterly inevitable and totally normal, and yet we still get so weirded out about some things. I don't mean the issue of losing someone, that will never change and will always be hard to take. But the other stuff, and there's plenty.

[Ptah]

36. I've been struggling with whether or not to share this. Here goes.

My sister took pictures of our father (89 years old) holding
his girlfriend's hand after her ultimately fatal stroke.

Very disturbing.

[HarukaTheTrophyWife]

46. Bounce, bounce, bounce

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Bb8P7dfjVw

[TreasonousBastard]

47. What to do? Nothing-- they're family, too, even if...

they're more closely related to the Addams family. And they have the right to be wierd, even if it seems a bit disrespectful-- they might think it's showing the greatest respect.

I admit I would be shocked, and hard pressed to follow my own advice should this happen in my own family, but as long as I'm reasonably sure nothing even wierder is planned for the video I could'nt see any reason to impose my moral judgment on them.

I sure wouldn't want to see much of them any more, though. And think about something in my will and living will that would prohibit such nonsense.

[petronius]

49. That sounds odd - did they give any explanation why they filmed it?

People handle loss in different way, and I tend to just accept that grief may not always make sense to an outsider. For example, I had a friend who displayed a photo of a stillborn family child on his desk - it was just a baby picture, but some people thought it was morbid.

I don't think you do anything, except to grieve for your stepsister in your own way...

[whistler162]

50. Would you like to see photos of my fathers

memorial service complete with urn?

I took photos of the setup of the memorial service complete with his urn, flowers, etc.. So I won't make any definitive comment on photographing the dying other than it being a little to much.

[Shell Beau]

51. This thread is strange.

[PassingFair]

53. My husband let his relatives traipse in and out of the delivery room...

when I had a 24 hour labor that ended in
a C-section.

I was too drugged up and in pain
(back labor, no epidural) to protest
strongly.

If someone had snapped pictures or brought
a video, I would have *ucking KILLED him
afterwards.

I hope your stepsister OK'd the filming,
otherwise...totally OUT OF LINE.

[Bertha Venation]

54. That is weird . . .

. . . and I can't believe this thread turned into a flame war. Silly, really. :hug:

[LNM]

55. At the risk of starting another flamewar

I think that unless your stepsister okayed it, they were incredibly insensitive to her feelings. I recently sat with my MIL while she was dying and it's not a pretty site. I understand that everyone dies but I prefer to remember my MIL the way she was before she got so sick and I'm sure she would want it that way. I also made sure that there were no pictures shown at her funeral of her after she lost her hair to chemo. She wouldn't go out in public without her wig after that, so I surmised she wouldn't want anyone to see her like that after her death.