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Tales of WTFery
Volume 17: This is Jeopardy (transcript)
Original Airing Date: April 1, 2009
Announcer: This is Jeopardy. Please welcome today’s contestants. A temperamental dream-crusher from Dumbassville: Midlodemocrat. A tater-humping vegan from Florida: 5gan. And our returning champion, a fundamentalist artist from Washington: MrCoffee, whose 56-day winnings total $98.43. And now, here is the host of Jeopardy: Alex Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Hi, thank you so much, nice to have you watching me. We’ve got some serious cash waiting to be won and three greedy geniuses ready to grab it, so let’s get started. Our categories in the first round are: Accidents, Really Long Books, Real Analysis, Internet Memes, Political Shit, and Grammar Nazi. All right, champ, off you go.
5gan: I’ll take Internet Memes for $400, Alex.
AT: I’m sorry Mr. 5gan, but it’s MrCoffee’s board. You’ll need to wait your turn.
5gan: Wait your turn? That’s not what your mother said last night, Trebek.
AT: Oh shit, not another Connery wannabe. MrCoffee, please.
MC: I’ll take Accidents for $200, Alex.
AT: After George Bush watched the country implode, this made his pants stand out. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “a suffusion of yellow?”
AT: That is correct. Pick again.
MC: Accidents for $400.
AT: After a particularly horrible accident, the surgeon often does this. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, sews your face?
AT: Correct! Go again.
MC: Let’s try Internet Memes for $200.
AT: This warning should accompany everyone’s “but.” <buzzer> Midlo?
Midlo: What is, Brenda, could you please clean this?
AT: Sorry, no. <buzzer> Mr. 5gan?
5: What is, open for business?
AT: No. MrCoffee? <buzzer>
MC: What is, don’t tutch?
AT: Yes! Don’t tutch the but.
5: That reminds me of a song. Lalalalala, I tutched your mother’s but.
AT: That’s not a song. MrCoffee, please pick again.
MC: Internet Memes, $400.
AT: Like a mounty, he always gets his man. <buzzer> Mr. 5gan?
5: That would be you, wouldn’t it Trebek?
AT: No! <buzzer> Midlo?
M: Who is Alex Trebek?
AT: No! <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: Who is Jesus?
AT: Yes, Jesus is a friend of mine. Pick again.
MC: Internet Memes, $600.
AT: This man is president of the United States. <buzzer> Midlo?
M: Who is Skinner?
AT: No. <buzzer> Mr 5gan?
5: Who is Lee Mercer, Jr?
AT: Lee Mercer, Jr, yes! You choose.
5: Let’s try Really Anal Sis for $200.
AT: That’s Real Analysis, Mr. 5gan. This theorem states that there is no nonvanishing continuous tangent vector field on the sphere. <time expires> We were looking for “hairy ball.”
5: I bet you were.
AT: Mr 5gan! It’s the hairy ball theorem. Please grow up and pick another category!
5: Fine, Internet Memes for $1000.
AT: The answer is…DAILY DOUBLE. You have no money, but you can wager up to $1000.
5: I’ll go with $1000.
AT: All right, your answer: IT HAS HORNS AND SHIT.
5: What is the narwhal, fuck yeah?
AT: Correct! Pick again.
5: Internet memes, $800.
AT: It’s Tuesday night.
M: Bunco!
AT: Please buzz in first, Midlo. <buzzer> Midlo?
M: What is bunco?
AT: Yes. <round expires> That’s the end of the first round. Mr. 5gan is in the lead with $1000, MrCoffee is a close second with $800. Midlo has negative $400; we’ll see if she gets out of the hole.
5: If she’s anything like your mother, she’ll—
AT: We’ll be right back after these messages.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
AT: Alright, let’s get to know our contestants a little better. Mr. 5gan, it says here that you are thinking about starting a home for underprivileged boys.
5gan: That’s right, Alex. I plan to take the boys in and pair them off with some abandoned puppies from our local shelter. My big goal is to be a mentor for them and try to direct their lives towards the sort of things that I think they should know about.
AT: Interesting.
5gan: I’m going to call it, “Beagles and Boobies.” I’ve already got a grant from the Spinal Cap Foundation for Nipplez.
AT: I don’t think I want to know anymore. Let’s move on. Midlo, it says here that you have experience with school security.
M: Yes.
AT: Would you care to elaborate?
M: Look, Alex, it’s like this: if I want to bring Taco Bell treats to the local junior high, then you best not get in my way.
AT: Um, okay.
M: That goes for all you bald security douches out there!
AT: Yes, well, MrCoffee. I wanted to thank you for that basket of fruit you sent me yesterday. I couldn’t help notice that it contained a religious tract, “MrCoffee comes for a visit.” I’m not a particularly religious person; what made you decide to include that in the fruit basket? Do you usually do that?
MC: Well Alex, here’s the deal: it’s a gift, you didn’t earn it. So STFU, get right over yourself, and let’s start the next round.
AT: Fair enough. Okay, contestants pick up your buzzers and put your pants back on. Our categories for Double Jeopardy are: Awesome Music, Awesome Beverages, Right as “Rain”. Notice that rain is in quotation marks. Zoology, That’s What She Said, and Come on Down to South Park. Midlo, you really sucked it up in the first round, so you go first.
M: I’ll take Zoology for $400.
AT: This animal, while seemingly cute and fuzzy, is known for its violent sexual behavior. <time expires> It’s the panda.
5: I didn’t know your mother was a panda, Trebek.
AT: Shut up. Midlo, go again.
M: Animals suck, so let’s try Awesome Music for $400.
AT: This Canadian band personifies awesome music. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: Trick question: no Canadian band is awesome.
AT: Sorry, no. <buzzer> Mr. 5gan?
5: What is, “trick question, no Canadian band is awesome?”
AT: Uh, no. <buzzer> Midlo?
M: Who is Celine Dion?
AT: Congratulations on getting the country right, but Celine Dion is not a band. The correct question is, “Who is Rush.” Midlo, go again.
M: Awesome beverages for $800.
AT: Answer: Hot milkshake. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: What did your mother order from me la—
AT: NO! <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is a pumpkin spice latte?
AT: Correct!
MC: Rainy commands for $400, Alex.
AT: Daniel’s command to Seattle. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “come on out of the rain?”
AT: Yes.
MC: Rainy commands for $800.
AT: France’s command to the monarchy. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “come on out of the reign?”
AT: Correct.
MC: Rainy commands for $1200.
AT: Angela’s command to Dwight on the Office. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “come on out of the Rainn, Wilson?”
AT: Yes.
MC: Rainy commands for $1600, Alex.
AT: Mrs. Claus’ command to Santa. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “come on out of the reindeer?”
AT: Yes.
MC: Rainy commands for $2000, Alex.
AT: Speed Racer’s command to Taejo Togokahn. <buzzer> Midlo?
M: What is, “get out of my car, freeper?”
AT: Sorry, no. <buzzer> MrCoffee?
MC: What is, “come on out of the Rain?”
AT: Yes, Taejo Togokahn was played by Korean actor Rain in the 2008 Speed Racer movie.
M: That question was hard.
AT: It’s not that hard.
5: I bet you hear that a lot, Trebek.
AT: Mr. 5gan, really! MrCoffee, the board is once again yours.
MC: Awesome music for $800.
AT: These “animals” will fight for your right to party. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: Who are the Beastie Boys?
AT: Yes.
5: Let’s go with “that’s what she said” for $400.
AT: Biggs’ comment about the Death Star. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: What is, look at the size of that thing?
AT: Yes! Go again.
5: That’s what she said for $800.
AT: How to remove a paper jam from the copier. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: What is, pull it out slowly?
AT: Yes.
5: That’s what she said for $1200.
AT: Student’s retort to being stabbed with a pencil. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: What is, you poke that thing at me one more time, I'll break it in half?
AT: Right.
5: That’s what she said for $1600.
AT: The archeologist’s instruction. <buzzer> 5gan?
5: What is, just keep digging around until something pops up?
AT: Correct.
5: And that’s what she said for $2000.
AT: The sculptor’s warning about clay. <buzzer> 5gan again.
5: What is, it hardens when exposed to air?
AT: That’s right! Good job! Pick again.
5: Let’s go with Come on Down to South Park for $1600.
AT: Answer: DAILY DOUBLE. You have $6600. How much do you want to wager?
5: I’ll go with $6000.
AT: Okay, here’s the answer. His mom is a dirty slut.
5: Who is—who is—
AT: Hurry up.
5: Who is Alex Trebek?
AT: No, asswipe.
5: It was Cartman, I know that. I just couldn’t resist. It was a trick question! You set me up! I’ll get you, Trebek!
AT: Well, that’s enough for that round. When we return, our final Jeopardy category will be…Hobbies. We’ll be right back.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK>
AT: Okay, our contestants have made their wagers. Here’s the answer. This is the most popular hobby…in Amsterdam. Good luck.
<MUSIC>
AT: Okay, let’s start with Midlo, who had negative $2800, and really shouldn’t have stayed around for Final Jeopardy. What did she come up with? “What is making basement cheese?” No, that’s incorrect. And you wagered…DTM? What is that, Roman numerals?
M: Dead to me, Alex. You’re dead to me.
AT: How sad. Moving on to Mr. 5gan. You were riding high until you blew it on a daily double. Let’s see how bad you lost so that I can dine on your tears of failure. “What is your mom?” No, that’s stupid, childish, and moronic, and I don’t even care what you wagered.
5: I’m kidding Trebek. Obviously your mom isn’t a hobby.
AT: Obviously.
5: More like a full-time chore, I’d say.
AT: Dear Jesus. MrCoffee, you had $7200. Please tell me you didn’t screw this up, because I don’t want to see these losers again.
M: Dead to me, Alex.
AT: Your answer was, “What is being strip-searched?” That’s correct. And you wagered…three brazillian dollars. I don’t know if that’s a real amount, but I’ll let the producers sort it out. I’m going out for a bottle of whiskey. See you tomorrow, everyone.
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