Frequent masturbation linked to irreversible blindness

[jmowreader]

COLORADO SPRINGS (Spurious News Network) -- Your mom always told you it would make you go blind. A new study proves it.

Research unveiled today by the Onan Institute proves a significant causal link between frequent masturbation and age-related macular degeneration, or AMD, the most common cause of blindness in the Western World.

"Look at that wall," said Dr. Joshua Samson, founder of the Institute. "You see there are twenty-eight men lined up along it. By the time those men turn sixty, one of them will be blind from frequently indulging in self-abuse."

Five years of research have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that masturbating more than seven times a week leads to a one-in-28 chance of contracting AMD. "Simply abstain from masturbation. You don't want to go blind, and if you keep on abusing yourself, it could destroy your sight."

When asked if it was true that the ratio he discovered in his research was simply the AMD rate in the general population, which it is, instead of being tied to any kind of activity, Dr. Samson became very defensive. "The general population masturbates way too much. Of course it's the ratio in the general population. The general population masturbates fifteen or sixteen times a week--everyone knows this! Besides, Dr. Dobson informed me that if I could get the general population to stop spilling its seed upon the ground, he'd give me another $5 million to prove reading anything but the Bible is a leading cause of death in 100-year-old men."

[NYC_SKP]

1. Please use a bigger font...

I can't read a word beyond your subject line...

[mwooldri]

3. You dimwit! You can't read it because you're reading FreeRepublic!

The thread's over here!

[jmowreader]

7. You mean you didn't stop when you needed glasses?

[PBS Poll-435]

2. More AMD bashing by yet another Intel fanboy

Oh wait, what? :shrug:

[MichiganVote]

4. Well...DUH...the spinstery old nuns have been telling us that for like years.

[ismnotwasm]

5. Acutually, in men it helps prevent prostate cancer

Which is a good thing. IBTL

[jmowreader]

6. Yeah, and that was kinda the point of me writing this...

After learning that ONE study might suggest masturbation increases the risk of prostate cancer, I figured I'd twist around a few statistics on age-related macular degeneration to prove a causal link between masturbation and blindness.

Because it should be obvious that you get AMD from whacking off, and not because one in 23 men get it anyway. :sarcasm: