Any words of wisdom from fellow or former parents of teenage daughters?!

[debbierlus]

My daughter is almost fourteen, looks like she is 19, and I just learned has been talking to a 18 year old on the phone. She has snuck around to meet a 'boyfriend' before, and I don't put her past it again.

Any advice or words of wisdom...

I guess I just will have to put the hammer down, take away phone privilleges and computer privilleges just for school work. (She IM's this guy). This is just starting, and I am going to warn her that if she goes near him, I will call the police on him for messing around with an underage girl.

AUGH!

[Midlodemocrat]

1. You need to reel that in and quick.

A 13yo has no business hanging around with or even talking to an 18yo.

Good luck.

[Iggo]

2. Also...

...tell her that she can tell you anything...ANYTHING...(even that)...and that as long as she tells you, you ain't mad.

The fewer secrets you have between you, the better off you'll both be.

[mzteris]

3. get her involved in

activities that take up her "free time". Dance, choir, chess club, library page, gymnastics, swimming, volunteer work, anything that keeps her busy and around kids who are her age and are "good kids", ya know?

Take away the phone and the puter. Put the puter where you can SEE IT AT ALL TIMES and ensure that you can see any history of chats/ims, etc. Tell her you're going to do that, too.

Take her and pick her up. Wait for her there or check up on here unexpectedly. Let her know you're going to do these things, and any - and I mean ANY violation of trust will result in suspension of ALL "privileges" until further notice.

If your antenna goes off, listen to it. Make sure her clothes/jewelry/makeup "don't look 19".

Tell her you're protecting her, not stifling her - though she probably won't listen now. :sigh:



Oh and tell that punk he'd better take a hike, pronto, or you WILL report him.

[Bake]

4. I'm thinking get on her IM, IM the 18 yr-old

and tell him you have a short fuse, and the Police Dept. on your speed dial. (He may not know how old Daughter Dearest is.) That ought to do it.

Bake

[DemBones DemBones]

13. Good suggestion. Let him know he's dealing

with jail bait.

[mcctatas]

5. Be careful about forbidding her to see him...

it will only make him more attractive to her (I say this as a parent and as a former teenage girl who had a thing for the bad boys). Maybe the opposite approach, ya know, invite him over for dinner etc might take some of his appeal away?

[RoyGBiv]

12. What you said ...

Don't, ever, threaten to call the police or whatever. That's just going to drive her to him. It's like opening up an express lane to the form the rebellion will take, and it will affect *all* her relationships for the next few years.

I, personally, would not avoid calling the police if and when that becomes necessary, but I'd take other, more subtle measures first. The invitation to dinner is a good idea, in fact. This would provide an opportunity for flooding him with a bunch of questions in a friendly but firm tone to try to draw out the part of his personality he's not letting her see. I did that with one of my daughter's "bad boy" attractions and hit the mother lode. That boy was a total idiot, and she hates idiots, and she'd failed to see it until he was trying to keep up with me on some subject.

Police are a last resort, imo. But, if that becomes necessary, you just do it. You don't threaten it first.

[Bake]

17. Invite him to dinner! Show him your gun collection ...

Heh heh heh.

Bake

[RoyGBiv]

31. I had a shovel ...

Before the dinner -- it didn't last long after that -- whenever I was around him I made a point of finding some excuse to dig a hole.

And then I'd just stare at him ... holding the shovel ... with a purposeful grin.

[Justyce]

19. I don't know... I was forbidden to see a guy when I was a teenager.

I still snuck to see him for a little while, but it was such a pain in the ass always trying not to get caught that it just wasn't worth it & I moved on pretty quick. Yes, they will still sneak around for a while, but if you keep making it a pain, the fun wears off pretty fast....

My sister tried the approach you're talking about with her teen & it completely backfired. She almost had a 9th grade dropout moving in with an 18-year-old loser, but luckily she figured out soon enough that approach wasn't going to work. My niece is now in college dating another college student & doing great, so I'm a firm believer in saying NO when you know it's in your kid's best interest.

My dad's advice when my daughter was entering her teens was to get control of the situation early on & stick to it.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. I concur.

Forbidding is tantamount to a double dawg dare to a teen-ager.

[plcdude]

6. Having had three daughters,

I agree with the above posts. Get her invovled in other things. Putting the hammer down should be your last resort. I don't know your personal opinion on this matter but you might look at birth control methods that are 99%+ effective. And more than anything else open the lines of communication which involves risk. You can be disappointed and overwhelmed at what she might tell you but not angry. She may also ask you things you may not want to tell her but if you want open communications you may have to tell her. The 18 year old has to be told that he can not continue to develop a relationship with your 14 year old. He cannot see her alone. There is no wiggle room for this one. I wish you all the best for this is an opportunity for you and her to grow closer and build trust with each other.

[driver8]

7. Oh, wow -- you have my sympathy.

I have a 7 year old daughter and I am dreading her teenage years already!

I have made her recite this pledge to me:

I, Leah...
Will not cause any problems for Daddy,
When I am a teenager.

She gets to the "I, Leah" part and then won't repeat the rest...

I am doomed.

[Xithras]

8. "Boy, you should know that I don't mind going back to prison..."

To paraphrase Foxworthy.

Actually, as a parent of a 14 year old girl myself, I have to agree with a poster upthread.

1. Find things to fill her time that will put her into contact with other kids. Kids do NOT engage in this kind of behavior unless it's supported by their peers. Banning them from seeing their friends doesn't work, so it's your job to introduce them to new ones. Find her activities that will fill her time and change her social group.

2. If your 13 year old is dressing like a 19 year old, you have an issue. We have firm rules on what my kid is allowed to wear. We permit creativity, but only as is age appropriate. Also, her makeup is limited to eyeliner.

3. Computer in a public place.

4. Make it clear to the boy that even ASSOCIATING with her is potentially a crime, and any kind of physical contact is a felony. This line works particularly well, "Other parents may not care about their daughters, but I do. Find one of them because my daughter is just going to get you prosecuted." Very effective. Even better, the breakoff will work better if it comes from him and not you. It works even better when you remind them that the girl will lose any motivation to deny the relationship once they break up, so unless he plans on marrying her, any contact WILL eventually end in his arrest.

[Autumn]

9. I have raised three wonderful Daughters,

but let me tell you, getting there, YOU ARE SO SCREWED.

[FedUpWithIt All]

10. I am not above taking away EVERYTHING.

My daughter is now 16 and i give her a lot more freedom now but if she crosses the established rules she gets a grounding with no tv (unless the family is collectively watching it) no phone, no music. She has to stay in family areas and she is allowed to read. It is VERY affective in our case. She HATES it but she will comply. Not all kids are the same though. Some kids would simply rebel more with this tactic.

Perhaps you could have her do some research for report relating to the dangers of her behavior. Stats for teen pregnancy, incidents of potential date assaults... Perhaps the report can be used to take some time off of a grounding. Sometimes when a child blocks out a parent's concerns, prompting them to process the risks from sources they seek out puts things into a new perspective.

Either way, GOOD LUCK.

:hi:

[MichiganVote]

11. The key to everything for teens is simple. Electricity and water. Without them, they die.

[Bucky]

14. I can't tell you the joy I felt the day my 13 year old told me she was gay

I guess that's pretty shallow of me.

Besides the Talk, and encouraging a healthy interest in sports and other self esteem building activities, all you can do is raise 'em right and hope for the best. There's a reason why I was never snarky about Sarah Palin's parenting skills; I know how premature grandparenting can happen to good people.

Lordy I hope it doesn't happen to you. My experience tells me kids latch onto warnings of consequences from parents a lot more than they're willing to let their parents know.

[rug]

15. Tape her inside a cardboard box.

Punch airholes.

When she turns 16, plug the airholes.

[LisaL]

16. Contact the 18 year old. Tell him he can end up going to jail if

he does anything stupid.

[Oeditpus Rex]

18. Have her take a purity pledge and your troubles will be over!

http://www.romancebetweenthelines.com/site/476224/page/190172



:bounce:

[MajorChode]

21. You should understand the causes of such behaviors first

Teens often feel not loved by their parents and they will seek love from others who may be much older as a means of compensating for what they perceive as a loss or deficiency. Teens also have a very strong desire for independence and what you've described is just another way of expressing those desires.

You shouldn't underestimate your daughter's attraction to this other person. She may have already established a sexual relationship with this person. You should be prepared to deal with that reality if it has happened. Teens establish very strong emotional ties to boyfriends/girlfriends very quickly. Simply breaking things off will almost certainly lead to extreme resentment at best and suicide at worst. It's a good idea to seek advice from a professional before you do anything. Going to joint counseling may not be a bad idea if for no other reason than to seek mediation to improve communication. Also be prepared to fill the void by spending a lot of time with your daughter and providing a lot of emotional support. You may also want to seriously consider getting her on birth control if you haven't already. The teen years are a very tough time and it doesn't get much easier until they hit about 21 or so and sometimes not even then. Getting through those tough times successfully are what makes parenting so rewarding. Treat it as a challenge rather than a chore and maintain the right attitude.

[blueraven95]

22. I don't have a teenage daughter, but I would suggest...

making sure she knows, as she gets older, that she has a "get out of jail free card", that is, not literally, but if she's ever in a situation where she feels uncomfortable or where things are happening around her that she doesn't like, that she can call you, at any time, and you will pick her up, wherever she is, without getting mad.


That was something my parents did, and I know it was a good thing for both my sisters and me.

:hi:

[Taverner]

23. Prepare for worst case scenario - make sure you guys had the "protection" talk

As in "GODDAMMIT YOU'RE NOT MAKING A GRANDMA OUTA ME NOW!!!"

[lizerdbits]

25. I second that

As a former teenage girl I can tell you that short of locking her in the closet with a constant armed guard, they'll find a way if they really want to. If I hadn't had that information I may have wound up pregnant or with an STD.

I think letting this guy know she's 13 is a good idea too, if she looks much older she may have told him she's older than she is.

[Schema Thing]

24. First of all, confront reality head on yourself.

[Marrah_G]

26. Stop it now while you can

I tried to stop it to late.

At 16 I no longer had any control over who screwed my child, no matter how old they were.

Call the police and get a restraining order right now.

The judge felt bad in my case, but couldn't stop him from seeing her, manipulating her and unless I SAW him hitting her I had zero recourse. He laughed at me outside the courthouse.

She is not 18 living with the same loser, supporting him as a nurses asst, being beaten by him----- after running away from home 1 month before graduation.

Do whatever you have to to stop it now.

[Haole Girl]

27. There is a line in The Tempest about this...

I don't remember it, now, but basically it says: If you push her away from him she will surely marry him for life. Be very careful how you handle this. Having 3 sisters, and helping my husband with *his* younger sister (when she was a teenager), I know a what I'm talking about. Talk to her. Talk to her A LOT about HIV and using protection. Counsel her... get her counseling. But, please, please don't think demands, commands, or brute force will accomplish your objective(s).

Good luck!

[Road Scholar]

28. Just explain to her that you are going to be a complete asshole but

it's for her own good.
Not!
I spent as much time with my daughter as I could doing things she liked to do. Sometimes I would get a chance to do a commercial on honesty, goals, peer pressure, smoking etc. I learned that the commercials were to end at the beginning of the eye rolls.
We got to be pretty tight and we learned from each other. I learned that a girl is curious and will test her limitations. She learned that there are consequences for certain actions. She always knew I loved her.
We are still pretty tight. She is a Lawyer now and I'm very proud of her.
She calls me Dad. A title I'm proud of.
I_T

:toast:

[no name no slogan]

29. 1) Lord loves a workin' man;

2) Don't trust whitey;
3) see a doctor and get rid of it.

[fed_up_mother]

30. 1) Inform the 18 yo how old your daughter is.

2) Immediately inform his parents in a very non-accusatory manner that now that you are SURE that he knows how old your daughter is, that you will expect him to stay away from all contact, or that you will call the authorities.

3) Spend as much time building your relationship with her as you can.

4) Don't ever tell her she's too young to be in love. Instead, tell her you know that she's capable of strong feelings, which is why it's important not to get wrapped up in the wrong person at this time in her life. He's too old for her. She's too young. I think one of the reasons I had much success with my kiddos and less resentment is that I always acknowledged their feelings.

[Odin2005]

32. Some advice frome someone who used to be an 18yo guy:

Get a hold of the guy and make sure he knows that she is only 13. I'll bet she's lying to him about her age. That actually happened to me when I was 20, I started going out with a girl who told me she was 18 and then learned she was 15, so don't automatically assume the guy is some asshole predator preying on teen girls. :banghead:

I wouldn't be overly worried about boyfriends as long as she has had "the talk" and you make sure she isn't dating guys 5 years old then her.