I was invited to a symphony concert tonight. I hate symphony concerts and will now rant about them.

[Critters2]

Yes, I love symphonic music, but hate symphony concerts. I've been invited to one tonight by my piano teacher/church organist. She'll be playing, so it's not a matter of my sitting with her. Indeed, it's possible she wouldn't know whether I go or not.

But I hate these concerts, especially in this town. First, it's not like it's the Chicago Symphony or anything. It's all local amateurs, though I know they practice hard, and are not a bad little orchestra. It's not the orchestra that's the problem. It's the pretentiousness.

First, every woman in town who owns a fur coat will feel obligated to wear it. I get creeped out being surrounded by dead animal carcasses. This is no more attractive or impressive to me than listening to music in a meat locker. I'd like to go listen to music in clothes in which I feel comfortable, not in clothes worn to impress others. Indeed, anyone who notices what I wear at a concert is a total asshole. But the ladies will dress to impress.

Then, and yes, this irks me about every symphony concert, there are the "you don't clap there" Nazis. Invariably some poor schlub won't know the mighty secrets of orchestra concerts. Symphonic music is divided into "movements", pieces of music carrying some of the theme of the full symphony but a body of music in its own right as well. All well-educated and appropriately pretentious people know that you don't applaud at the end of a movement..only at the end of the full work. Normal people, on the other hand, are impressed with well-performed music and want to express their appreciation by applause. At what appears to normal people ears to be the end of a piece. So, some poor soul will do just that...applaud at what seems (yes, even to me) to be the right place. Then, all the right-thinking people will look disparagingly, and I've even seen people correct these good people, at the person who had the gall to let the orchestra know that he or she appreciated their hard work.

And then there are the not-so-unwritten rules about coughing, sneezing, or *gasp* rummaging around in your purse for a lozenge to prevent you from *gasp* coughing or sneezing. For 2 hours, give or take, one is NOT to demonstrate any of the traits of a normal human being in a normal human body in cold and flu season in Northern Illinois. And if you SHOULD give into that tickle or the congestion in your head or chest, the glaring-at-you because-they-now-know-what-a-barbarian-you-really-are Nazis will glare at you because they now know what a barbarian you really are. Barbarian :eyes:
Since I'm still recovering from pneumonia, and actually under orders to "cough that stuff up", this is the main reason I don't dare go tonight.

You like the music? You enjoy the rhythm? You really think it deserves toe-tapping or moving your head or hands in time to the music? How gauche! Your job for these 2 hours (or more!) is to sit there, not moving a single muscle. You are not to LOOK like you're enjoying it. You are to stare studiously at the musicians, letting everyone around you know that you appreciate the music. This is about "music appreciation", not "liking music", which is gauche. The more pained the expression on your face, the better.

This will also be a special evening because of the dearth of people of color in attendance. In this, the most race-divided town in which I've ever lived since Boston, this is the height of special white people time. There will be no people of color in the orchestra, nor in the audience. Apparently, Mozart and Schubert wanted it that way. And so, those in attendance will basque in the very whiteness of the evening.

I once told one of the musicians in my church that I like Andre' Rieu, because he invites people to dance in the aisles when he plays a waltz, he encourages the audience to tap their toes, sway in time, etc. His orchestra even wears colors other than black. What fun! Her response: "He's not a musician, he's a showman." Me: "But he fills venues the CSO could never half fill." Her: "But with what kind of an audience?" And that says it all.

Symphony concerts like the one I've been invited to are about something other than the music. I'll stay home and listen to cds tonight. And cough.

Thank you for letting me vent. :rant:

[MrScorpio]

1. Too bad all symphonic concerts can't be like Andre' Rieu

That's the good shit

Sorry that you have to associate such a soul deadening experience with music

It's not natural

[Critters2]

2. That's exactly right. It's not natural. Music should be fun!

You, sir, are officially gauche. Welcome to the club! :hi:

[MrScorpio]

3. I'm the last person who would describe myself as a pretentious bastard

I proudly wallow in my gaucheness

[FloridaJudy]

4. Beg off

You've got the perfect excuse: "Oh, I'd love to see you perform, but - alas! - I have pneumonia!" Cough, cough, wheeze. You don't need to put yourself through that when you're trying to get back to health.

Stay home. Make yourself some hot chocolate with itty-bitty marshmallows on top. Slip a CD of Bach cantatas (or whatever else floats your boat) in the player, and curl up on the sofa with a good, trashy novel and a few friendly critters.

BTW, I recently walked out of a concert myself - different circumstances, but though the music was fine, but the atmosphere was oppressive, just as in your case. No one will think less of you for it.

[Rosie1223]

5. But I have to cough up phlem, Doctor's orders!

best symphony rant ever. Being in a small town myself, I can relate.

[Rabrrrrrr]

6. I have to admit, one thing I like about attending the symphony in Japan is people are quiet.

Though for the most part the people in NYC also knew how to behave and be quiet.

I know you find it oppressive, but I really enjoy the fact that clapping is to be reserved until the entire piece of finished; that one shouldn't be fucking around with a purse or backpack or phone, especially during quiet moments in the music; and that one can enjoy the music on a different level than one enjoys folk or popular music.

However, I do agree with your last few paragraphs about the oppressiveness of the idiots who feel the need to correct, act like they're better than others, and shove their noses in the air, and who refuse to move at all to the music.

Hell, even in the BigWig areas of the Metropolitan Opera and whatnot, people still smile and nod their heads and tap their toes.

Part of the problem, I think, is the smaller town rich-folk-wannabes who tend to be way more obnoxious and pretentious than their counterparts in the big cities. Which counterpoints tend to have way more money, too.

One anecdote: I worked for some big firms in NYC, with a lot of folk making millions of dollars. Hallways lined with millionaires; money flowing out of every orifice. One thing I loved about the times I would travel back home to WI was watching the bitchy wives of doctors and the stockbokers or the so-called "rich" businessmen in town and whatnot, or the doctors and stockbrokers themselves, acting totally pretentious and obnoxious and better-than-anyone, and I would just watch and laugh and think, "You jackasses - my boss, and twenty people in my section of the hallway, make more in a year than you are worth, and give more to charity in a year than you earn, and none of them act like you do." And for the stockbroker folk, I'd especially love to think, "You think you're hot shit because you buy and sell stock for a few sort-of well-to-do clients? Dude, I work ON a trading floor with guys who get bonuses worth ten of your homes, and though they swear a lot and shout, it's only at work, and they actually treat other people like human beings."

It's not the rich who are the problem. It's the psuedo-rich.

[DarkTirade]

8. The psuedo/wannabe rich are a pain in the ass.

I had an ex whose parents were like that... in their attempt to try and impress all of their other psuedo-rich friends they ended up driving her to develope an eating disorder. Because they needed a perfect pretty (i.e., thin) daughter to show off.

[UTUSN]

7. You said it all for me, I'm seriesly musical, yet (insert the o.p. here).

Most of all, I only want to hear what I want to hear when I want to hear it. Not somebody else's choice of program. And if I'm doing the music thing at a moment it's because I'm particularly affected by it, meaning being catatonic or flailing frenetically ("conducting") or moaning ("humming").

Plus, I'm in a near post-cultural phase, meaning that rituals are pretty much alien to me. I have literally walked away from bumping into a performance (as in a public bandstand) that I wasn't expecting.

And being in crowds cheering---alien to me.

Literally scores of years ago, Hugh DOWNS in his morning t.v. incarnation was interviewing the latest new pianist. Hugh asked about his routines and the dude said that he looked forward to six weeks off, when he would be sailing and stuff. Hugh said, "But, of course, you fit it all around your practicing?" The dude said absolutely not, that he would be totally away from any piano and all music--AND that he would love that. Hugh was SHOCKED!1

[LaydeeBug]

9. I'm all in favor of allowing applause between movements, but people fumbling with wrappers, etc...

are EVERY BIT AS ANNOYING as the assholes who talk on their cell phones during movies. As a professional opera singer I can tell you that you should know when you head to the symphony, sans the carcass wrap if you ask me, you should know full well that you entered a room that was BUILT to CARRY SOUND.

Appreciate music with applause all you want. Wear what you want. But have your cough drops out beforehand. There's just no excuse for that shit. And don't give me that, "It's my natural inclination" bullshit either. I have a natural inclination to rip my beloved's clothes off the minute we see each other. That doesn't mean I'm gonna do it at the grocery store, or some other random place. And if you're on doctor's orders to cough up phlegm, it might be a good idea to **avoid** the one place in your metropolitan area that was specifically. designed. to. carry. sound.

PS. This window was opened since last night. I just forgot to hit send.