fuck it, this gets it's own post: What the fuck was Liz talking about the other day?

[harmonicon]

This was my response to Thom's whine thread. However, because some of you adore my misfortune, and I could use input, I'll post it by itself. I spent a year or so here with little to no whining, and after taking a month or so of your time, I hope to stop soon to go back to being my old, normal, smart-ass self:

It's been driving me crazy all day. In the way that I couldn't think straight and felt all fucked up inside. Now I'm drinking, so it's mellowed a bit.

Back story (because you really care ): Sunday night, there is a sort of wrap-up party for this festival at a bar, where, after the crowd had largely dwindled, I sat and talked to this girl, Liz, for hours. It was the nicest time that I've had in months, since I've been dumped and felt very alone and insanely sad. She was sweet and we just talked about things... not about how our lives are horrible. On the way to this bar, she mentioned that there was a party that night, but we agreed that we don't like parties and would rather hang out at the bar. When we were there, I knew that something was up, because she was getting calls and texts and avoiding them, some, I'm sure, from her boyfriend. Her boyfriend who has cheated on her, but she took back, but I don't think is very happy with. The way she looked at me and touched me made me feel a way that I haven't felt in years...

When it was time to go, I told her that I would walk her home, because she lives right down the street from me. Then, she said, "you know I live with my boyfriend, right?", and I said, "I know that all too well, dear." Anyway, I walked her most of the way home, but after we'd passed my house, she told me that I shouldn't walk all the way with her, even though it was only one block or so more. Then she tried to shake my hand, which I would have none of, told her as much, and then we had a nice hug.

The next day, I felt a mix of incredibly sick and hung over, but also great, because I didn't wake up thinking of my ex and crying. I thought of what a nice night I'd had.

So, later that day, I run into her and two of our friends on the street, and we all talk a bit. She says something like, "I felt really horrible this morning", at which point I asked if she'd been hung over, and then it was clear that that's not how she meant that she felt horrible. WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE MEAN?! Did she feel horrible like, "I'm felt horrible for possibly leading you on", or did it mean, "I felt horrible for not going home with you or at least giving you a kiss", did it mean, "I felt horrible for skipping the party and not telling my boyfriend where I was", or did it mean, "I felt horrible about my life, because you're a sweetheart, and I think my life could be better without this cheating douchebag." What the hell did she mean?

And what the hell did she mean the other night when she felt she had to remind me that she lived with her boyfriend? Did she think I was trying to pick her up, and wanted to make it clear that that wouldn't happen? Did she realize that I don't care, and that I just wanted to walk her home to spend more time with her and make sure that she got home safely?

There was no chance to talk about any of this on the street, because I was all sick and hung over, and because it all seems rather private. However, a friend of ours then did thank me for walking her home, and said that a lot of people had been worried about her when she didn't show up at that party. However, she didn't say it in a mean or concerned way. It all seemed rather nice. Then I went home and drank, as I do, so I didn't worry too much about it until today.

Today it's been driving me fucking crazy. I feel so completely fucked up. I'm still 100% heart broken about X, but I also really adore Liz, but don't know what the hell she wants. I don't even know what I want, though I do know that spending that time with her made me feel better than I have in a very long time.

Ok, that's my whinging for today.

[XemaSab]

1. Here's my take on it:

Somehow she feels like she was rude to you.

Furthermore, there are few possible interpretations to this that means she doesn't at least like you as a friend.

ESPECIALLY if her friend thanked you for looking after her.

Women talk, and that means she said something nice about you to her friend.

[harmonicon]

2. thank you

that's my preferred read on it. I just wish that someone who actually does know about what's going on with my personal life would tell ME about it. I don't know how much of the whole bar thing was spontaneous vs. how much was set up in the smokey, secret, back room meetings that women have to decide the fate of men. I think it may have been a set up. Fuck if I know. I do know that when our friend Jenn was leaving the bar, I asked her not to leave and said that I'd buy her a drink, but she said that it was fine, because Liz was staying, which was especially weird, because at that point, I was just about the only person in the bar that Liz knew, though some of my friends were sitting with us by then. How the hell would she know that Liz was staying? Ugh!! Anyway, she definitely wanted to talk to me, and was incredibly sweet, but I don't know how much of it is that she thinks I'm as great as I think she is, and how much of it is just that she's unhappy with her life, and wanted an out, for at least one night. I really couldn't handle being used right now.... though, if she wanted to use someone, she could find someone a lot more attractive than me, though probably not as "safe".

[redqueen]

3. I wouldn't be as worried about what Liz thinks

as why you are so quick to get involved with someone else.

Take a break, guy.

[harmonicon]

4. sorry, I should make that more clear

I'm not quick to get involved. I would love nothing more than to disappear from this place for a few months and come back refreshed and ready to deal with things. I haven't sought any of this out. I don't even have this girl's phone number or email address. However, I know that she makes me feel funny, in the way that I felt funny about girls that I REALLY liked before. I don't want it, but I feel like if I ignore it, I may be passing up something that could make my life better, even thought the timing is ALL wrong. It's really hard, and I'm really confused. I can't tell where the sadness is even coming from now. My emotions and my mind are both very confused. She mentioned the other night that she's been very sad for the last year, and I told her that it's been a hard month. She wanted to know why, but I didn't want to talk about it. I was so happy to not be talking about my problems, but instead talking about life, family, food, Doctor Who, etc.

Now I should go listen to more Cat Stevens. He understands what I'm going through.

[redqueen]

5. It's good that you have someone that makes you feel that way.

You know you're not in that "I'll never love again!" place, and that's good.

But like you said, the timing is *all* wrong. You need to clear your head after your recent break up, and she's still in a relationship with someone else, FFS.

Just my 2 cents, but I wouldn't act on it, wouldn't even say anything aobut it to her at all. Let her deal with her business, be a friend to her, and enjoy those feelings in your head, as a fantasy, until all the rough waters have calmed. And don't listen to people who say friendships can't turn into more, or that if women see you as a friend that means you'll never be anything more to them. That's just pure-d horseshit.

Good luck. :hug:

[harmonicon]

6. I know

I would just maybe like more openness, though I guess I'm not more willing to be open either. I'm scared as hell. I'm so glad that I'm not in the "I'll never love again" place, but I know that I'm in the "I never want to hurt like this again" phase, or just fact, of life.

I really can't believe that she's still with this guy. It was at some party where she found out that he had cheated on her, and it was really weird and uncomfortable. Some of us shared a cab back to our neighbourhood that night, and I couldn't believe that she actually took it home when she could have stayed with a friend. At the same time, it made me insanely jealous that they could work through this problem when I couldn't work through much less serious problems in my relationship.

I just don't know.... as my friends who were at the bar noted, I'm smitten, though I wish I wasn't. I know that friendship can turn into more, but I don't know if I can handle being friends with someone when I just want to lean on their shoulder and stare into their eyes - lots of eye staring and coy glancing happened the other night... dear god, her eyes.... *sigh*

I wish my life wasn't so fucked up. I wish I could go back to be a cluelessly unwanted boyfriend.

And I miss the dog that I'll probably never get to see again a lot.