So Facebook is kind of a shitty way to find out that your father...

[mcctatas]

is into dudes. I would have preferred a nice dinner and a heart to heart chat! I mean the bisexual thing doesn't bother me, but I do feel a little pissy about missing a nice dinner out!

[latebloomer]

1. Wow, that must have been a shock!

Or was it?

Are you close? Maybe you could talk to him about it.

[mcctatas]

3. We're not like father daughter close

I'm not all that shocked, but c'mon, facebook? Really?

[Book Lover]

30. Well, if you're nt all that close,

why did you expect to be told this information?

[mcctatas]

31. Not father daughter close...

we are close, as in we discuss politics, authors, music, my love life, my kids, his wife...
he's just never been freaking ward cleaver is what I was getting at...

[Book Lover]

32. I see what you mean now

Me, I blame the facebook culture. Personally, I am not sure he was (ever) under obligation to tell you that he is bisexual, but this is a textbook case of why people should think three times before posting personal information online.

[eyesroll]

2. Did he actually come out, or did he just put "men and women" as his interest?

I know plenty of people who put both, if they're interested in networking or friendship.

:shrug:

[mcctatas]

4. that's how he did it too....

but when I sent him a message he said "I thought you had it figured out years ago" asshat!

[eyesroll]

5. Oh. Ugh.

:hug:

[otherlander]

6. Why did you think he was heterosexual?

[mcctatas]

7. Maybe due to the two marriages to women?

one of them still intact?

[otherlander]

10. I don't like this thread.

It starts off with expecting people who aren't hetero to make a big deal out of it, some kind of formal announcement/coming out/discussion about it. I mean, I never did that. I never "came out". If it comes up in conversation, I'll acknowledge that gender makes no difference to me in terms of whether or not I find someone attractive, but I'm not going to make a big announcement out of it any more than I would make a big announcement out of being a vegetarian or being an atheist or being Ukrainian.

Then it continues with someone replying with "that must have been a shock!" I can see how someone killing a dog would be a shock. Or someone hating black people. Or someone cheating on you. But someone loving people? Eh, not so much.

And then, of course, the obligatory "ugh," an expression of disgust, followed by a hug, as if to comfort you from the horrible fact of a family member being... Other. (:scared:)

Being bi really isn't that big of a deal. Well, it is a big deal in the sense that it involves love, which is one of the biggest deals there is. But that only makes it a big deal in the way that a man and a woman loving each other is also a big deal.

[mcctatas]

11. It's not about the sexuality it's about the shitty way of finding out

something from a family member. I could care less who the hairy old beast sleeps with, I just think it was a crappy way to find out. It is a big deal to me as his daughter but only because it is apparently something he is obviously very open about with others.

Sorry you were offended, but maybe you over-reacted?

[Lil Missy]

17. Slippery slope. Next thing you know he might reveal he secretly loves brussel sprouts!

Oh, the humanity! No major announcement? No family dinner??

Please, won't someone think of the children?? :cry:

[Shell Beau]

18. Well I would be shocked to find out that my dad was bi.

That doesn't make it a bad thing. It is almost like you didn't really know that person.

[eyesroll]

24. As the person who posted "ugh," it was the way it was communicated, not the fact he was bi.

I'd be "ugh"-ing if I learned my sister was pregnant or engaged or got a scholarship or whatever via facebook.
I'd be "ugh"-ing if I learned my close friend was getting married...or getting divorced...or converting her religion...or really anything big or life-defining...via facebook.
And I'd be at the very least uncomfortable, and "ugh"-ing, if I learned my dad was bisexual via facebook. Seeing as how he's represented himself as heterosexual for 61 years (33 of which I've been present for, and maybe 20 of which I've been aware of labels for orientation) and seeing as how he's very much married to a woman (yes, I know you can be married, monogamous, and bi. Still.). Sorry if that makes me awful in your eyes.


There are certain things--good or bad--you don't want to find out about close friends/relatives via a status update. Yes, it would shock me if my dad came out in any fashion, and I wouldn't want to learn about it this way. I'd also be very uncomfortable if he replied with an "I thought you knew," because that would send me a message that maybe my relationship with my dad wasn't quite as I thought it was (again...not "eew, dad's bi"...but if Dad thinks I know something about him that I really don't, there's been a communication issue somewhere).


I guess that ruins my liberal street cred.

[mcctatas]

26. Your liberal street cred is still intact IMHO...

knee jerk accusations of bigotry on the other hand tend to deduct liberal cool points :hi:

[eyesroll]

27. Thank you.

(And, actually, the more I think about it, I think I would have an initial "eew" reaction if my dad came out, Facebook or not, because I can't imagine my dad just saying so...so it would have to be in some sort of dating- or relationship-oriented context and, well, a part of me--my inner 12-year-old, if you will-- still thinks my parents kissing is gross. I'd get over my initial reaction, but I can't say I wouldn't have one.)

[Chovexani]

34. Thanks for putting into words why this thread was skeeving me out.

I couldn't really explain it. :hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

36. i dont think thats fair. in general its not fair to assume heterosexuality

however what child, who hasnt been told otherwise, assumes their parents are not heterosexual?

[mcctatas]

38. In general, I never assume heterosexuality...

In most cases it's kind of the last thought I have upon meeting someone new. However, I guess I thought it was a fair assumption given what I know of my father. Please understand that it isn't about his sexuality, it is about how I found out something kinda major about him.

I kind of wish I had never said anything, lesson for the future, don't post on DU until after you have processed the info...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

39. i was trying to defend you. nt

[mcctatas]

42. I got that....

and thank you. I should probably just stop trying to explain myself, I kinda keep making it worse :hi:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

43. yeah, if i found out my father was bi i would be shocked too

given that he has only displayed straightness thus far but more importantly if he told the whole world but not me, i would be not so happy

[Mutley]

45. I don't know.

When I found out my dad was bisexual I was shocked. Not because I'm disgusted by his sexuality, but because I felt like I didn't know him as well as I thought I did. I figured if we were as close as I thought, I would have noticed something, or he wouldn't have tried so hard to keep it hidden from me. It kind of hurt that he didn't trust me with that. As it was, he only told me because he was under the influence.

[Haole Girl]

8. That is really strange

I wish he would have just told you, instead of introducing you to his reality online. People!

[Danger Mouse]

9. awesome. awesome to the MAX.

[Lil Missy]

12. ......

:popcorn:

[elshiva]

13. I'm a bisexual, too. It's cool that he wants to come out about it.

This might have been the best way to do it. There is no "ugh" or "eww" about it. Bisexuality is a beautiful thing.

[harmonicon]

14. it wouldn't be with my dad

Trust me.

[mcctatas]

20. People!

I didn't ugh or ewwww. I'm kinda getting pissed off here. It wasn't about the bi thing (although, I tend to think it's just being greedy ;) )It was the manner in which I found out something kinda major about my dad. I could care less who he sleeps with (although I would prefer not to have to think about it at all, parental sex of any kind is ewww and ugh to the kids) and I never passed any judgments about it. It was just a weird way to find out!

That is all

:hi:

[dgibby]

29. If it had been my dad,

I would have been devastated, not because of his sexuality, but because he'd choose to tell total strangers instead of me. It would have been about our relationship, the trust, or lack thereof.
Bummer of a way to find out.

[eyesroll]

25. Again, the "ugh" wasn't the bi-ness.

Just making that clear.


I suspect "I just found out via facebook that my ex is getting married, with a post something like "we're not super-close, but there are no hard feelings or anything, and I'm cool with the idea he's getting married and I like his girlfriend...but I wish he'd told me personally, and when I asked him he said he thought I knew already," would have garnered a lot more sympathy for the crappy way of finding things out.

[crim son]

15. What?

Now I feel guilty for sending a friend request. But seriously, though I'm a free-thinking liberal, I can imagine your shock and maybe even feeling of betrayal. :hug: Sorry it had to be facebook, mcctatas. Weird. :hug:

[FloridaJudy]

16. That's like announcing an engagement with a text message

It may be the best thing in the world, but the format is tacky as hell.

[jobycom]

19. It's a lousy way to find out anything personal about someone whom you'd expect

to be open with you, rather than hiding something from you while revealing it to others. But cut him some slack. He may have feared your reaction, even if he shouldn't have, or he may just feel that his sexuality and love life are not topics for discussion with his daughter.

Let him know you think it's wonderful and you wish him the best, and invite him out to a nice dinner--maybe he'll pay. One shouldn't need revelations about loved ones' personal lives to enjoy a nice dinner with them.

Just my thoughts.

[Orrex]

21. I think that some people are missing the point here

Facebook would be a lousy way to find out even something so mundane as your father's confession that he ate the last Oreo, because it's a clear statement that he prefers to bare his Oreo-munching soul to the world at large rather to his flesh and blood.

It's not fair to infer an "ugh" or "eww" reaction on mcctata's part, because she declares outright "the bisexual thing doesn't bother me," and I can't think of a reason not to take her at her word. Instead, she's reacting to his lack of trust and openness, and her reaction is perfectly reasonable IMO.

:hi:

[mcctatas]

22. Thank you!

I couldn't (and obviously didn't) say it more eloquently than that!

:toast:

[Orrex]

23. Just remember to keep an eye on your Oreos!

:pals:

[PVnRT]

35. It's not fair, but that's how the DU works these days

Someone needs to make the DU version of Jump To Conclusions from Office Space.

[Ellen Forradalom]

28. I found out the Facebook way

that a former colleague is in a open relationship. TMI!

Of course, I am inflicting TMI on others the Facebook way. My sister-in-law was perturbed to see my relationship status as "In a Relationship."

[coyotespaw]

33. At least he doesn't like Olive Garden

:hide:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

37. i agree. if he were to let you know he should have done it formally

not via facebook.

its odd.

its not the way I came out to My mother

[mcctatas]

40. I think what gets me the most is that it is obviously somthing he

is otherwise very open about. Mostly I guess my feelings were a little hurt that he didn't think of telling me himself, which is odd because I'm a freaking adult!

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. i have a question though.. how do you know.. facebook doesnt actually let

you pick a sexual identity, does it?

[mcctatas]

44. under interests it said women and men...

at first I thought nothing of it, but then other situations etc. came into mind and I sent him a message and flat out asked.