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Edited on Mon Oct-06-08 09:56 PM by Writer
Hey, Everyone.
I thought I'd go ahead and write this entire story, because I think I finally need to get it off my chest. I have been dealing with pain, off and on, and other than my wonderful friend GoPsUx, and my supportive husband Mr. Writer, I really haven't been able to vent what has been a rather eye-opening six weeks for me.
Some of you may recall the ongoing saga of my professor from a couple of years ago. For those who don't know, my thesis advisor, following my Master's graduation, adamantly insisted that we create a book proposal from my thesis work. Long story short, he never came through, although by the end of the summer of 2006, I discovered in a shocking way precisely why he was so unavailable. He had a very good reason for being distracted. He did attempt to recollect the project later that year, but again he never came through with what was a very small amount of work remaining. What is typically a one or two-month project became an 18 month unfinished project, with all of my hard work completely made in vain.
This same professor referred me to the doctoral program and played a part in earning me a valuable seat at my school. During my application process (I was wait-listed in 2007 and admitted in 2008) I held off complaining to him about the abandoned project in fear that he would be agitated, affecting my chances for admission. After receiving word this year that I had earned admission, I wrote him and asked what had happened to the copious amount of work I had done for nothing. He explained that the situation from 2006 had a strong impact on him (which it most certainly did) and that he didn't have enough in him to do much more than his immediate job.
So let me add an additional wrinkle to this, as well as a mea culpa: During the time we worked together, this professor sent me plenty of "signals." He has a reputation, and he somewhat lived up to that reputation during our sporadic meetings over several months. I took his flirtation in stride, and admittedly, I felt for him, too. However, I am a happily married woman and never pursued anything with him, and vice versa. What I suspected were deep feelings stayed just below the surface, and perhaps, just below the threshhold of deniability.
During my doctoral orientation this year, I went out for drinks with some of the upperclassmen in the program. One of the women had worked with this professor last spring, and said that she had bumped into a young Master's student who "took over" the professor's project and worked with him during this last summer. She said that the young Master's student (let's call her "Cindy") told her that she had met the professor for drinks every week during the summer. I was a bit disgusted after hearing this, as I reflected on how much I struggled to get his attention to meet even once. Given that I had been assigned to be his research assistant this fall (which I'm in the middle of doing), I got a little ill. I still hadn't received an apology from him and I never had a chance to explain what an incredible, hurtful blow it had been for me to see that project fall through.
The professor meets with me, and a male Master's student, every week to work on his project. A few weeks ago, the professor didn't show for our weekly meeting. A young woman walked in and asked us who we were and if we were waiting for the professor. She then informed us that he was sick and couldn't make it. She then introduced herself and said that the professor had asked that she join us for the meeting. I then, through some inquiry, discovered that this young woman was Cindy. She was very young, very flighty, and very much an open page. She revealed that she and the professor had been working together for the last couple of years, that not only did he meet with her weekly (sometimes twice in a week, she said) but that they had taken her thesis and made it into a conference paper, that not only did he take the time to actually complete the paper with her, but he also conferenced the paper with her. And also, although she already had graduated with her Master's that spring, they met routinely over the summer and were now in the process of planning a class together. Now, I'd like to emphasize that I am a first-year doctoral student who is paid to work for this professor. I do not know Cindy's status within the university. And while it is not this young woman's fault, the anger and betrayal I felt was devastating. I said nothing to the young woman, in fact, I traded email addresses with her. But I left the office in no mood to do anything but to break things and scream and yell. Unfortunately, I didn't. I should have.
Another item about Cindy: She is a young (mid-20's), unmarried woman.
Later that week, I decided finally that I needed to talk to the professor - I needed to air out what all of this has meant to me as a student. I asked him to get drinks with me, at the approval of my husband, and he agreed to meet before dinner one evening. I went to the bar, and the professor showed... with his new wife. (He had remarried a year ago). Now certainly, regardless of who he had brought, I could not be as open to him in front of someone I had just met. "She sits with me," was all he explained. I wondered immediately if she was his escort every week when he met the young, 20-something unmarried woman for drinks. Not only that, but his wife was extremely insecure, constantly touching him throughout our meeting. It became a superficial social event instead of the important conversation I needed to have. I had enough rum that it actually turned out to be a pleasant time, but I could not make heads or tails of what his bringing his wife meant: Was this his assumption that he needed to give me a "blow off" message? That his terribly insecure wife heard that he was meeting his RA for drinks and insisted that she should go? I still cannot figure this out.
I think he picked up from our chat, however, that I did have more to discuss, so late that night he sent me what I can best call a "lifeline" via email, to which I responded with a lengthy note detailing my experiences and how the failed project affected me. He responded with a kind letter of apology and opened the possibility that we can work together in the future. While I was more than appreciative of receiving the apology, a part of me can't trust that he will actually make the effort to work together (and I don't know on what - the book proposal?)
I also cannot unravel the issue with Cindy: the odd aspect of this is that he had asked her to show up at our meeting to help with the project, but after that point, she never showed again and he never mentioned her. I even emailed the prof. and asked whether she was another helper on the project (should she be kept in the loop?) and he didn't respond. Something about the situation didn't sit well with me, and even now I wonder if he shoved off our project so that he could spend his "valuable" time and energy working closely with a younger, more available woman.
I sit here flummoxed, in a quandary, and with a terrible headache. I wanted to write this out, because I wanted to get it off my back before I start what will likely be a horrendous week (mid-terms). Maybe someone out there in the ether can make some sense of all of this, because other than the welcomed apology, I can't. I will likely be his RA in the spring, so "escaping him" is not an option at the moment. But do I want to (has this all been a great big misunderstanding?) I don't think I'll ever get those answers.
For those of you who finished reading all of the above, thank you.
~Writer~
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