Jesus Jokes....I need a laugh

[monktonman]

Its friday night, I'm almost drunk and my girlfriend is mad at me. (even know its her fault)
I really need a good laugh so how about a round of Jesus jokes??
I'll start...

A roman soldier looks up at Jesus and says....
"hey buddy, can you cross your feet.....we only brought three nails."

Ba-dum-tish!!!!

Come on....make me laugh, I really need it.

[DarkTirade]

1. Jesus walks into a hotel, sets three nails down on the counter and asks the clerk...

"Can you put me up for the night?"

[Dr. Strange]

2. Nice post, O'Barr.

[DarkTirade]

6. That joke's been around long before it was said by any undead gothy avengers.

:P

[Dr. Strange]

7. Fine.

I'll just sit here and eat crow.

[elshiva]

9. Don't tutch Jesus' but.

[monktonman]

13. I guess I'm not the only drunk one here? n/t

[elshiva]

16. I'm not drunk.

I'm elshiva, I'm always like this. ;)

[DarkTirade]

10. Don't let me scare you off...

[elshiva]

17. "If I only had a brain..."

:P

[keroro gunsou]

43. jesus...

moses, and saint peter are up in heaven, playing golf. after about 6 or 7 holes they get kinda into the game and decide to start betting on their shots. first off, they bet who can drive the furthest between the three. moses tees up, and as he's about to hit the ball, an old man wanders up to the group. he asks if he can play, and the others don't object. moses tees up and hits the ball 290 yards. jesus goes next, tees up, and hits the ball 320 yards. saint peter takes his turn, and hits the ball 330 yards. the old man comes up, swings, launches the ball intro a thicket of trees, causing the ball to ricochet around a bit, finally coming out and landing about a foot from the hole, 450 yards away.

as the group goes after their balls, jesus elbows the old man and says, "nice shot dad."

[mcctatas]

3. I'll probably burn in hell for this...

;)

Top Ten Reasons That Beer Is Better Than Jesus:-
a) No one will kill you for not drinking beer.
b) Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
c) They don't force beer on minors who cannot think for themselves.
d) Beer has never caused a major war.
e) When you have a beer you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
f) Nobody has ever been burned at the stake, hanged or tortured over a beer.
g) You don't have to wait 2000 years for a second beer.
h) There are laws saying beer labels cannot lie to you.
I) You can prove you have a beer.
j) If you are devoted to beer then there are groups who can help you stop.

[monktonman]

8. I know alot of J C jokes

but I've never heard that one.
May I add it to my collection?

[mcctatas]

11. Add away...

one of the benefits of Catholic school, the best Jesus jokes;)

[BlueJazz]

39. Oh..Sure!

[baldguy]

36. Beer has never caused a major war.

But it has caused countless minor ones.

[BlueJazz]

4. As Jesus is on the Cross:::

"Paul...HEY..PAUL...Whoa...I can see your house from up here.

[Maine-ah]

31. gonna have to play off of that one and say....

hey, I can see Russia from up here......

[Whoa_Nelly]

5. A parable...along the lines of Daniel in the lions' den

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[applegrove]

25. Doubt they keep bull african elephants in zoos. They are too big. I'm just sayin'.

[Whoa_Nelly]

27. doubt it's a true story

it's a joke

[applegrove]

40. I know it was a joke. But when I first read that joke I thought - THEY HAVE AFRICAN BULL ELEPHANTS

IN ZOOS???? and it ruined the joke for me. I'm just sayin'. Ignore me.

[BurtWorm]

12. Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven.

The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.

He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.

He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.

He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.

Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"

"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."

"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."

"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.

"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man.








http://www.liberator.net/humor/Jesus/Jesusjokes.html

[pokerfan]

14. .

[1monster]

34. I'm going to hell for sure... I just sent this one on to my neighbor...

:scared: :rofl:

[monktonman]

15. OK heres another one

Jesus and moses are walking along the shore of the red sea.
Moses says "JC man, I might be old but I still got it. Watch."

Moses raises his staff at the sea and the waters part in the middle
with a fury of thunder and lightning and such...

Jesus, looking thoroughly impressed says to Moses...
"Hey Moses, check this out, I still got it too...."

Jesus walks up to the water, slips off his sandals and steps out
onto the water.
He gets about half way out and starts to sink.
Now most people dont know this but, Jesus cant swim so he calls out to
Moses to rescue him.

Moses pulls Jesus back up to the safety of the shoreline and says...
" Dont worry Jesus... last time you tried that trick....
YOU DIDNT HAVE HOLES IN YOUR FEET!"

Hardy, har, muthafrickin, har!!!

[billyoc]

18. Jesus Saves.

He passes to Moses, Moses shoots, he SCORES!!















:hide:

[Mendocino]

24. "Jesus Saves"

At Bethlehem 1st National

[deucemagnet]

29. The Cross Flash drive.

Because Jesus saves.

[sniffa]

32. Buddha maxes out his credit cards

[Nevernose]

44. Jesus saves -- Moses invests.

Jesus saves. Moses invests.

A bumpersticker on my parents' car for years.

[Initech]

19. I know Jesus. He's my gardener.

[quakerboy]

37. Nu-uh

He works at McDonalds. I met him thursday

[Initech]

42. No, he works at the Quiznos by the gas station.

[eridani]

20. Arguments that Jesus was Black, Jewish, Irish, etc.

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother thought he was God.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

[Lucian]

21. How come women love Jesus?

Because he was hung like this:


Yeah, I know, it's tasteless.

[tismyself]

22. Jesus loves me but he can't stand you

I know you smoke, I know you drink that brew
I just can't abide a sinner like you
God can't either, that's why I know it to be true that
Jesus loves me--but he can't stand you

I'm going to heaven, boys, when I die
'Cause I've crossed every "t" and I've dotted every "i'
My preacher tell me that I'm God's kind of guy; that's why
Jesus loves me--but you're gonna fry

God loves all his children, by gum
That don't mean he won't incinerate some
Can't you feel those hot flames licking you
Woo woo woo

I'm raising my kids in a righteous way
So don't be sending your kids over to my house to play
Yours'll grow up stoned, left-leaning, and gay; I know
Jesus told me on the phone today

Jesus loves me, this I know
And he told me where you're gonna go
There's lots of room for your kind down below
Whoa whoa whoa

Jesus loves me but he can't stand you . . .

Austin Lounge Lizards

I know it's not a joke, but I think it's funny!

[backwoodsbob]

23. three men were fishing on a lake

one from Okio,one from Michigan,and one from west virginia.

Suddenly in the distance they saw a man walking on the lake and rowed over to see if it was Jesus and sure enough it was.

Jesus asked the man from Ohio if there was anything he could do for him.
He said Lord my back has hurt me for twenty years since my accident at work.Can you please help me?
Jesus touched the mans back and he was cured and the man fell to his knees and thanked the Lord.

Jesus then asked the man from Michigan if there was anything he could do for him.
The man said Lord it's my heart.The doctor says I have months to live because it's failing.
Jesus touched the mans chest and he was cured and the man fell to his knees and thanked the Lord.

Jesus then asked the man from West Virginia if there was anything he needed.
Hands off mother fucker,the man said.I just got my full disability

[Roon]

26. Why doesn't Jesus ever close the door?

Because he was born in a barn...

[harmonicon]

28. let me teach you something:

It's not her fault. It's never her fault. Here is an important phrase to remember: "It was my fault, and I'm sorry".

[S n o w b a l l]

30. BFF Jesus

[sniffa]

33. Why didn't Jesus like to play hockey?

He didn't like getting nailed to the boards.

[krispos42]

35. Two visuals and a joke

Jesus, John, Paul, and Peter are playing a round of golf. They come to the 8th hole, a long par 5 that goes around a big water hazard. John, Paul, and Peter all play it safe and hit their balls on the fairway going around the water. When it's his turn Jesus tees up, selects his 1-wood, aims for the green on the far side of the water, and takes a mighty swing at the ball. The ball shoots out over the water and plops into hazard.

Jesus slumps his shoulders, throws his club in his bag, mumbles "I'll get it", and proceeds to walk across the water to get his ball.

One of the golfers in the group behind them goes up to Peter and asks "Who does this guy think he is, anyway? Jesus Christ?"

Peter replies "No, he IS Jesus Christ. The problem is he thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

[mitchum]

38. Jesus confronts the angry crowd gathered to stone the adulterous woman...

he does the "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" shtick.
All of a sudden, a rock comes sailing out of the crowd and hits the woman.
Jesus exclaims, "Mom, what in the hell are you doing here?"

[PeaceNikki]

41. My favorite visuals