i have to have an awkward conversation with my roommate and keep putting it off

[fizzgig]

he got fired a few weeks back and hasn't found a new job yet. i'm not judging him for that because i've been out of work for six months, but i'm drawing unemployment and am able to pay my bills.

but the problem is that he didn't have enough money for his share of the pet deposit and i wound up covering. that, plus my rent/pet deposit ate up almost all my check and my boyfriend was nice enough to give me money so i could make it to the next check. and on top of that, he still owes me money for the moving truck we rented. i really need this money, but i am wary of asking him for it (i'm willing to let him split it up into three or four payments) because he's been in a nasty depression since he got fired. my boyfriend is also getting stressed out because he's the one who is going to have to pick up the slack if our roommate can't make rent next month.

also, i applied for a few positions with the company that fired him. a lot of me thinks that he's not going to care, but, again, i'm wary of talking to him about it. i really need a job and these positions pay well enough that i'd be ok.

i'm most worried about the timing and how we handle these conversations. part of me thinks that the three of us should sit down and talk, but i'm worried that he's going to feel that we're ganging up on him. the other part of me thinks my boyfriend and i should speak to him separately, but i'm worried that he's going to feel like we're hitting him with a double whammy.

i'm also thinking about having my boyfriend tell him that he picked up the pet deposit so all the money is taken care of in one conversation (i can wait until he gets a job to ask him for the money for the truck). is that chicken shit of me?

i hate situations where there is even the slightest chance of it turning into a confrontation, and although i think it won't, i'm still reluctant to broach the subject with him. i am such a wimp when it comes to these types of things.

on a good note, though, i finally got my deposit back for the old place and that helped me tremendously.

[billyskank]

1. I don't know what to say.

I'm the same as you. I hate confrontations.

I even hate chasing people up at work when they're supposed to be doing stuff for me.

[fizzgig]

2. hey sweetie

i know i'm going to have to just suck it up and do it because of my financial situation and the stress on my boyfriend, but i hate this shit so much.

he seems to be in a good enough mood, so i might just do it before i go out to run my errands, which would give him a bit of space to digest.

how have you been? :hug:

[billyskank]

3. I'm doing okay.

Miss you. :hug:

[fizzgig]

4. i miss you, too

i just had the pet deposit conversation with my roommate. he told me he had some money set aside for it, so i told him i picked it up for him and that he can pay me back in installments. i think it went well enough, but he's a hard person to read.

[Forkboy]

5. I understand, but you should just do it and get it over with.

You sound like a very understanding person, and I'm sure if you approach this respectfully it'll be ok. Not saying it won't be a little awkward or uncomfortable, but it should be civil if he's half as cool and understanding about it as you're being here.

I do think talking to him alone is best though. For now, leave your boyfriend out of this, because if your roommate is as depressed as you say there is a good chance he'll take it as ganging up on him, or at least be more likely to get defensive. Unless he and your boyfriend are good friends, in which case maybe it would be ok to all talk together. You may have to stress repeatedly that you're not trying to judge him, and that you really don't want to add even more stress than he's most likely already feeling, and that you understand depression isn't just something one can snap out of (I want to kill people who suggest that). But, you need your money too. But if you work with him and give him options hopefully he wont end up feeling too cornered.

Good luck. I hate situations like this myself. :pals:

[fizzgig]

6. thanks, forkboy

i just had the pet deposit conversation with him because he mentioned he had some money set aside for it. i told him he can pay me maybe a third of it now (it's $75) and wait on the rest until he gets a job. i think it went well enough, but he's a hard person to read sometimes.

i've talked to him a bit about the depression (something i understand all too well), but he's not a terribly communicative person. he's getting his resume together and is going to start hitting the streets soon, so i'm taking that as a good sign.

:pals:

[Droopy]

7. You just have to talk to him about it, kagehime

He will probably be a lot more receptive if it's just you and him. Leave your boyfriend out of it for the time being.

I've had to kick out 2 room-mates in my time. It really sucked because they were people who I was friends with before they started skipping on the rent. But I had to do it. Friends or not, I wasn't going to let those guys take advantage of me. It's reasonable to give the guy a little time, but right now you have to let him know that you need that money.

[fizzgig]

10. i had to boot a roommate once for not paying rent

we just had the pet deposit conversation and it went ok. and i'm staying completely out of the rent conversation (and will likely leave the house for that one), which isn't going to happen until next week. i'm also letting him decide what to do about next month's rent because, even if my roommate starts a job next week, i don't know that he'll have the money by the time it's due.

[LeftyFingerPop]

8. kagehime, here is my opinion.

You should sit down with your roommate alone, without your boyfriend.

You should have a gentle discussion with him that shows him that you understand what he is going through, but you also need to stress that the situation is hurting you financially.

Ask him what he suggests that you both can do to help the situation, without him being rendered homeless.

One alternative might be for him to sign a note, with terms, on how he will pay you back any money you or your boyfriend paid on his behalf. Have the note notarized, and keep it offsite. He should also turn possession of some collateral over to you NOW, in the event that he defaults on the note. Make sure it is something of significant value, and something you can readily sell should it come to that. Keep the collateral offsite.

Be kind, but protect yourself too.

:hug:

[fizzgig]

11. thanks, philboy

i will pass that suggestion on to my boyfriend. the only reason he's involved is because he's the one who is going to pick up the slack.

we just had the pet deposit conversation and i told him that he can do that in installments (he said he's got some money set aside for it) because i don't want to eat up the rest of the money he's got. however, i couldn't get much of a read on his reaction to that and i didn't want to push him.

i guess my biggest problem is feeling guilty when i have to put my needs above others.

:hug:

[LeftyFingerPop]

13. Remember this, you are NOT putting your needs above his...

If you were doing that, he would be out in the street this moment, and you would be interviewing for other roommates.

What you are doing is trying to come to a reasonable solution for the both of you at this point in time.

There may come a time when you will have to tell him that he needs to arrange for other living accommodations, but right now, you are trying to work with him.

[fizzgig]

14. i really appreciate you perspective on this

thank you

[mnhtnbb]

9. Couple of questions--

Are you both on the lease? Are you both responsible for qualifying? Is your roomie subletting from you?

It's a good idea to have a written agreement with roommates if you are not both on the lease and both
responsible for equal payments. If you make a loan to someone, put it in writing.

My son had a horrible roommate and eventually had to pay her to move out.

And I agree with previous posts, leave your boyfriend out of this.

[fizzgig]

12. he is on the lease

i've been burned a few times with other roommates who haven't been on the lease.

i've left my boyfriend out of the conversation about what my roommate owes me, but i'm letting him handle the rent conversation because he's the one who has to pick up the rent. i don't feel right talking to him about that because i'm not the one who will wind up picking up that slack.

[applegrove]

15. Sounds like a dilemma. I'd get it out soon and straight. You seem like

such a caring, empathetic person that I'm sure it will come across okay. Just start with "I'm really sorry I have to tell you this while you are out of work and all but I'm worried about....". All the things you want answers to are very legitimate worries. So don't sweat it and get it over soon.