"It's weird, we have high speed internet, but the computer takes so long to restart."

[ghostsofgiants]

:banghead:

[MrCoffee]

1. Where's the "ANY" key?

[Hippo_Tron]

27. I want a Tab, why isn't this thing working?

[DS1]

2. "It's because it's verifying all your wife/husband's porn"

whichever the caller isn't

[GOPisEvil]

3. Dear God.

What in THE HELL does your internet speed have to do with your restart times? I mean, I understand being technically ignorant, but for crying out loud, THINK about things. These are two wholly unrelated things.

[MrCoffee]

5. Well you tell ME where to plug it into my cell phone...that's how you get wireless, isn't it?

[GOPisEvil]

8. Well...if you know the right tricks, you CAN do that...

:yoiks:

[ghostsofgiants]

15. It's not uncommon to hear that, actually.

They somehow thing fast internet should equal fast computer.

[Kutjara]

18. Many people get very confused...

...between the various wires attached to their computers. I had a guy in my support days who claimed his new laptop "just died." We went through the usual diagnostic steps, when I began to suspect the machine wasn't plugged in and he'd just run the battery down. Sure enough, he had assumed the Ethernet cable he was using to connect to the Net would somehow take care of powering the machine as well. "Hey," he said, "it's all electricity, right?"

It's a small step from this sort of cretinism to believing your OS somehow resides on the Internet, making boot times bandwidth-dependent.

[doc03]

4. I do too and I think the reason is that when I restart

the McAfee Security software that is provided by Comcast has to reload.

[ghostsofgiants]

12. McAfee is a bit of a hog, yeah.

Use Avast instead.

[doc03]

17. McAfee is provided free by my provider. n/t

[ghostsofgiants]

19. Avast is free for everyone.

[TroglodyteScholar]

23. Would you take an asskicking for free?

That's what those bloated antivirus suites amount to for a computer system.

Avast is not only free, but effective, frequently updated, and resource friendly.

[Rabrrrrrr]

35. Exactly!! "He shot me in the head and stole my wife - but he did it for free!!!"

:rofl:

[Critters2]

41. Damn you!! This compute belongs to the church!!

How am I gonna explain this:

:spray: ?

[Reverend_Smitty]

33. I use Norton but my live update recently expired

Personally I hate the program but it came with the computer, Avast is much better you say? It's gotta use less memory than Norton, right?

[ghostsofgiants]

44. Way less memory, plus it's free and updates frequently.

It is top notch.

[Reverend_Smitty]

52. I've got it running now and I can already tell my computer is faster

plus a website that never loaded properly on my computer suddenly works 5 minutes AFTER I take Norton off my computer...coincidence? hmmmm...

Thanks for the tip!

[RoyGBiv]

55. Yes ...

A database that holds information about every purchase made by the federal government over the last century and is loaded entirely into memory uses less memory than Norton.

And it's probably a more effective anti-virus tool as well. 'Cause, ya know, with that thing loaded into memory you're computer isn't doing much else.

But seriously ... yes, Avast is excellent and far more efficient in its use of resources.

[mvd]

53. I'm trying Avast with Outpost Firewall

So far, so good. I would have to pay for Outpost, but version 6.5 seems to be the best version yet.

[Kutjara]

6. I feel your pain.

Every time I read one of your tech support posts, I get an involuntary shudder of recognition from my own days in support Hell.

I remember one of my colleagues, on his last day, got so fed up with stupid customers that he had one of them disconnect their Ethernet cable and look into the end of it. My friend told the customer that they should be able to see a tiny version of him at the other end of the "optical cable", waving. When the customer said they couldn't see anything, my friend said there must be a block on the network, and he would alert the engineering team. The customer went away satisfied that the "blockage" would soon be cleared.

[ghostsofgiants]

16. Hahahaha, wow.

That might be the dumbest customer story I've ever heard.

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. I had the power to my house disconnected so that my computer wouldn't get a "surge"

and now it won't turn on.

Did it get "surged", whatever that is? Should I take it out of the packing box and look at it, or will that void the warranty? Or should I just take it back to the store and let them deal with it?

I've had the GEEK Squad over a dozen or so times, but all they ever do is sneer and laugh at me, and tell me to check my "fuses" and not to get my union suit in a knot, which is funny, because I've not worn a union seat in almost 5 years so I don't know what they mean, and I'm getting tired of writing them checks.

And my water is cold now, too, all the time, and the TV just shows some black thing that I assume must be one of those fancy BBC shows that I never understand. Could a "surged" hard drive cause the water problems?

By the way, this is all your fault, you stupid fucking ass, and I hate you, and why didn't you call me about this before? Why do you assholes have to wait until your customers have been so fucked over that they finally call you? Why can't you lay fucks call us for once, and be a little proactive for a change?

You make me sick, and I'm calling your supervisor, as soon as I finish this thirtieth beer and hit my wife.

--------

This is gonna become the brazilian joke of primate1 threads...

[ghostsofgiants]

9. Hahaha, I approve.

[Midlodemocrat]

32. OMG.

:rofl:

:thumbsup:

[Mojambo]

10. At least you get high tech stupidity

I just had someone ask me for this month's NewsWEEK magazine.

And then proceed to argue with me when I informed them that NewsWEEK is a WEEKly magazine.

[ghostsofgiants]

20. Did you punch him? I'd have punched him.

[Mojambo]

21. Inside my brain he is lacking many teeth. n/t

[crimsonblue]

29. wow

I just connected those. Dope

[GreenPartyVoter]

11. Hubby is a computer fix-it guy. Not sure if he's heard that one before though. LOL

[Burma Jones]

13. Why are you talking with John McCain?

[ghostsofgiants]

14. John McCain would probably put some of my customers to shame insofar as computer aptitude goes.

x(

[Burma Jones]

30. That's not good.......................

[ghostsofgiants]

31. I'm sayin'.

[tigereye]

22. he he

you have to remember, lots of folks don't really understand what the internet is.


I'm married to a software geek, so I hear lectures about it all the time...



He just got an Iphone for work, too! WOW! Now I want one.

[ghostsofgiants]

24. My little brother has the iPod Touch. Pretty neat little Gizmo.

I don't use the phone enough to warrant getting an iPhone though.

[tigereye]

25. you use telepathy to contact your friends? smoke signals?

(don't mind me. It's been a VERY long day. ) ;)



I love Apple stuff. I caught the obsession with design from my husband.

[ghostsofgiants]

26. I'm usually at home, and have MSN online.

I text a few people, but rarely talk on the phone.

I hate Apple on principle, but they do have some neat stuff.

[tigereye]

28. we hate MIcrosoft on principle around here, and Steve IS scary

with his "reality distortion field."


but, there surely is some great functional and smooth design in Apple's products.

[FloridaJudy]

34. True story

I once asked a co-worker what software she was using. She handed me a bunch of Tupperware.

Granted, this was several years ago, but still...

[Fox Mulder]

36. Hahahahaha.

Man, your job sucks.

[ghostsofgiants]

47. Understatenment of the week.

[dolo amber]

37. Omg, I thought of you yesterday

Customer: "Yeah...I just want a computer that types...like, just for typing. I don't want the internet. I just want it to type. What do you have that's like that? What would you recommend I get?"

Me: :wtf:

"Uh...a typewriter?"

[ghostsofgiants]

45. Hahaha, that's hilarious.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

38. ...

:rofl:

[Initech]

39. Heh. I was expecting this to be a therad about Stephen Wright.

[montanto]

40. Get faster tubes! nt

[Magrittes Pipe]

42. Serves you right for working in user support.

:eyes:

[ghostsofgiants]

46. You have a point.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

43. The information super-highway is so freakin' fast

... that all our computers have to wait a long time for a break in traffic. Then they start down the internet entrance ramp and hope for no crash.

[Call Me Wesley]

48. Can you at least tell me

when my iPhone arrives? I keep holding my iPod Touch to my ear and start fake conversations. :shrug:

Oh, and what do you need the internet for? It's all in my modem, this little box with the antenna. When I open it, I see the universe!

[ghostsofgiants]

49. Haha, the idea of using an iPod touch as a fake iPhone is great.

It'd be even better if you were faking the conversations with a Classic or Nano though.

[Call Me Wesley]

50. Don't make fun of my iNanoPhone and iVideoPhone.

The iVideoPhone actually has full enabled video, which the iPhone doesn't have. You just record yourself, put it on as a video and show off the video-conferencing abilities of your iPod Video.

Actually, don't know if it's a hoax, I saw a video from a guy who called himself from his iPod Nano. Of course, he couldn't talk, but it dialed the number.

But, joking aside, my iPhone should be here tomorrow. I think we have now the full collection of these gizmos. :sigh:

[leftyclimber]

51. My two "favorites"

The first call I ever took: "How do I make the elevators go away in (program redacted)?"

(For those of you wondering what the hell the customer was talking about, he meant the scroll bars. Solution: maximize. Thank you for calling, bye.)

One of the last ones I ever took: "Can you tell me about the little sailboats on the ruler?"

(Tab stops, dude. Tab stops.)

At one point a group of us in my support queue were trying to get the developers to put together a test users had to take during installation that would release only certain portions of the program depending on their level of computer skill. If they flunked, the program would install, but the only menu option available would be "Help." Alas, Marketing did not think this was such a good idea.

My two real favorites: (1) the secretary calling because her boss was constantly turning off his computer without saving or closing, thereby demolishing the database I supported. She wondered if there were any supersecret ways to keep him from doing that because she figured we were tired of hearing from him (although, in his defense, we were making a mint off in-house database repair). She also wanted to know how to protect her computer during thunderstorms, so I helped her with that, too.

(2) Answering the phone and hearing a male voice at the other end say "Thank God, I got a woman." I don't remember how I replied, but it was clearly some version of "Huh?" because he responded, "I've worked in the steel industry for forty years, and computers is the same way. If you're a woman doing this job, you're ten times better than the men, so I'm glad I got you."

While I'm not sure I was ten times better than the men, I certainly felt pretty darn good after that call.

[eppur_se_muova]

54. A man once asked Tallulah Bankhead if she had ever been mistaken for a man ...

over the phone. She answered "No, have you?".

:rofl:

[bluesbassman]

56. Back in the low tech days, I worked on IBM Selectric typewriters for BofA.

When I was at 550 Montgomery, the World Banking center, a good 50 percent of the calls I got were: "Typewriter no work". Obviously there was a bit of a language barrier, so I'd have to go up to the floor and determine the problem. 99.9% of the time, it was the cord having been kicked out of the socket by janitor. Most end users are pretty clueless, then as now. I feel your pain primate1.:hi:

[Angleae]

57. It wouldn't have been the same person as this?

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: " How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No"
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"