Need help with helping a friend.........advice welcome

[Darth_Kitten]

Some of you may know the story of my friend with the abusive, creep of a husband. For those who don't, trust me, this guy is an unrepentant worm. (no insult meant to worms)

Well, now she says she is going to get an apartment and divorce the hubby.
Thing is, she typed out a one page "will" that she wanted me to witness in case something happened to her. This came out of the blue at work yesterday. She's worried about his temper. :(

I witnessed it of course, and told my immediate supervisor who said she'll have a talk with her. (I'm gone from work for the next week on holidays) I told my friend to call me.

What does one do? One day my friends happy and friendly as she always is, and now this? She said she was going to talk to a lawyer, so hopefully the separation will go through, but I don't know how violent and desperate the situation REALLY is. :shrug:

[datasuspect]

1. has she been physically abused by this guy?

i don't think the "will" would pass muster with a probate judge and it sounds like she is trying to get your attention.

she is either:

a. truly frightened for her life and in need of some 3rd party intervention
b. she is being a drama queen.

even without knowing other relevant factors, i would still err on the side of caution in situations where the likelihood or existence of physical abuse is apparent.

[Whoa_Nelly]

2. Is she getting a restraining order on him?

Has she ever called the police on him for abusing her?

Is she going to keep her new address secret from him?

Damn...all sounds not good...
I'd be worried, too :hug:

[CC]

3. Find the closest spouse abuse shelter

to her. Call them and ask them for advice. Then give her the number. If he is that abusive that she wants a will then she needs to get help from professionals that know how to protect her. She doesn't have to stay there for their help but probably could. They also offer counseling that she will need to keep from landing in the same place again.

[skygazer]

4. One of the most difficult things about living with an abusive husband

was the fact that so many other people looked the other way while I was being abused.

Other posters ask if he's beaten her or if she's gotten a restraining order - I can only tell you that I never, ever told anyone that he had hit me and I never, ever called the police. My reasoning was that if I did either of those two things, it would anger him so badly that I would REALLY be in trouble.

I had situations when I was being audibly beaten in one room while "friends" were in the other. No one interfered. No one called the cops. No one said anything. Do I blame them? Yes and no. In a wierd way I understand not wanting to get involved and I also understand the sort of helplessness of "what do I do?" I couldn't ask anyone to get involved because it would endanger me - how could I expect them to voluntarily?

But as someone on the receiving end of it, I would say get involved. Ask her point-blank why she wrote the will, what he has done and what she is afraid of. Encourage her to go to a battered woman's shelter and go with her. Encourage her to call the cops and be there for her when she talks to them.

Maybe she is being a "drama queen" but I would prefer to err on the side of caution. I still have a letter I wrote to my best friend to be opened at the time my ex killed me. Because I was sure he would. I keep it to remind myself that even the strongest and most independent of women (me) can become the victim of an abuser.

[nadine_mn]

5. I worked as a domestic violence advocate for several years and you need to know this

75% of the times a woman is killed in a DV situation it is when she is leaving -

(that whole loss of control "my woman" mentality). Leaving is the most dangerous time, and she has every reason to be afraid. make sure she has the number to a local shelter, and talk to her about getting a protective order.

feel free to PM if you need any help