For those of you who were really bullied/harrassed in school

[La Lioness Priyanka]

could you tell me if you have any long term effects from the bullying?

are there things you are more sensitive about than others are?

If you did anything to overcome these effects, could you tell me what they are?

[Parche]

1. Were you bullied?

I was reaaaaaaaaaaaaal shy back then tho.....now I am not shy anymore

:hi: :hug:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

3. no, not at all. which is why i am trying to understand it.

i dont come from a bullying culture in my school, and i was very popular

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. Long-term effect? Only extreme and delicious joy that I am doing better than they are.

Way better.

And I love it.

Evil of me, maybe, but I love it.

And another long term effect is a sense of solidarity and compassion toward those who are bullied, and those who are kinda nerdy, geeky, or otherwise ignored by society because they don't throw balls well and have the audacity - the unamerican audacity - to read.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

8. lol

:hi:

[tigereye]

15. that sounds about right...

also a life-long affinity for the under-dog.


Unfortunately the effects of bullying on kids now seem to have much worse consequences - such as increased violence, depression and sometimes killing. :( That's why schools work so much harder to combat bullying now.

[datasuspect]

4. i only did what coach told me to do

[TZ]

5. Okay

Yes, there are long term issues from bullying...in my case severe self respect issues. I still have a hard time battling the feelings of being stupid, ugly and all around feelings of worthlessness sometimes.
I am VERY sensitive to making fun of others appearances..if they aren't exactly the "normal" type looking.

I've been very lucky to be able to overcome much of this through the help of several quite extraordinary people. One, my old dance instructor helped me see that I can be attractive..Its not so much about looks but more about attitude--if you think you are attractive, most people will perceive you as such. And the fact that he flirted (harmlessly) all the time with me (and he's quite the charmer/ladies man) helped.
Also its hard to feel stupid when a world renowned NIH scientist (and the smartest person I have EVER met) takes you under his wing and mentors you..:)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

thanks for the insight

[mainegreen]

6. It taught me to control my anger.

That smashing peoples face into bloody pulps may feel good for a short time, and teaches the bully a lesson, it usually comes with negative consequences worse than the bullying. Far better to let meaningless shit slide off you. Plus learning to let stuff slide off one also made me realize that the 'blank stare of nothingness' is an astonishingly powerful tool to use in human interaction. People just don't know how to deal with it.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. great... thanks!

[LiberalEsto]

7. Hell, yes

I still want nothing to do with the town I grew up in, or the people that live there (except for two friends who also moved elsewhere). There were occasional moments maybe 25 years ago when I daydreamed about bringing a loaded machine gun to a high school reunion. Of course I'd never do such a thing -- I can't even bear to touch a gun.

Being mocked and bullied all those years left me with a lot of anxiety and a feeling of being utterly unattractive and unwanted. Because a lot of the crap happened in the school cafeteria, I'm nervous in restaurants if I have to sit in the middle of the room instead of a booth on the side. I was also hyper-protective of my daughters when they were growing up.

The best thing I did was keep a journal and write down my feelings and memories, and examine them. I also wrote down what I thought were my good qualities, and kept building on them.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

25. thanks for your help

[Midlodemocrat]

9. I wasn't really bullied, but I saw kids being bullied.

Stopped it on more than one occasion, which is probably why I wasn't bullied. Not a ton of super close friends, but lots of acquaintances, so that probably helped, too.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

20. bullying is literally foreign to me. it kind of baffles me.

[libnnc]

10. I can't stand being laughed at

when I make a mistake or when I don't do something intentional to get a laugh.

I find that I'm really sensitive to situations when I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. do you get more upset about a joke at your expense, than others?

[libnnc]

17. totally

If it's from people whom I know really well, I can control my feelings. But if the people are folks I don't really trust or like to begin with, I tend to really take it personally.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. thanks. do you know what could possibly help this situation?

therapy? self help books? anything?

[libnnc]

22. honestly?

The thing that has helped the most is getting older.

It was much worse when I was in my 20s. I'm on the back side of my 30s now and (because of the guidance of my partner and other friends) I can let the crap slide easier than I used to. I have a tendency to internalize things (out of fear) and sometimes I am my own worst enemy. Getting older and experiencing personal loss puts things into great perspective. I can say to myself, "Don't sweat it. Fuck 'em if they think I'm dorky."

[La Lioness Priyanka]

24. thanks.

:hug:

[distantearlywarning]

12. I was bullied.

Yes, I definitely can still see long-term effects from it. Some of these are positive, chief among them an extremely strong sense of injustice and a willingness to stand up for the "little guy". I also learned to make my own way very early in life - I'm not a sheeple, I am relatively impervious to group pressure (as much as any human can be), and I always critically evaluate social situations and things people tell me before I act. I wouldn't trade these characteristics for the world. So in this sense, I think my experiences with bullying made me a stronger, more moral person than I would otherwise have been if things were a little easier for me in school.

However...there are definitely some long-lasting ill-effects from it. I was primarily socially bullied by other females (I'm female too), and those experiences left me with a serious long-lasting distrust and dislike of other women, especially in groups. The few times that I have made an effort as an adult to get past these negative feelings about women and interact with them on their level have not been particularly positive. In fact, the best thing I could say about any of those experiences was that I was bored. At this point, I do not feel that this is something that will ever change in my life (nor do I care so much any more about it changing either). So I am one of those women who has very few female friends. Also, because of my lack of "female socialization" other than relational bullying early on, I also don't get how to talk to or interact with other women. This problem has definitely negatively impacted my work life at times, and has pushed me into social activities dominated by men. I'm not saying these things to excuse my own perceptions or behaviors, but simply to outline some observations that I have made about myself and things that happened in the past.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. very interesting.. thanks for your input

[Tyrone Slothrop]

13. I skipped a grade when I was very young...

And was tormented pretty severely by a lot of my classmates for about 8 or 9 years. (Not only by the children of lesser intelligence either -- a lot of the smart kids hated me because I was stealing their spotlight or some such nonsense.)

The kids who weren't bullying me basically just ignored me.

I'm 31 now, and I still carry all that around me. It's now manifest as a strong misanthropy and a very strong dislike of myself as a person. I'd love to be able to do one of those "living well is the best revenge" deals, but I don't live well...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. hugs.

:hug:

[MorningGlow]

21. Oh, absolutely

I was very fat when I was little (from age 7 to age 11)--and this was in the mid-'70s, when NOBODY was fat. I was picked on mercilessly because of it, especially by one horrible boy. I also was very shy and never stood up for myself, so that made him more brazen. I recall my friends saying, "Why are you letting him talk to you that way? Tell him off!" But I never did, because I had a poor self image (what a loop) and because my parents, well-meaning but clueless, always advised, "Ignore those people and they'll go away." But the opposite was true. The more I ignored them, the worse the bullying was.

I kept my poor self-image for many years, even after I dropped all the weight (and was actually too skinny, but it wasn't from anorexia or anything--it turned out to be my thyroid swinging wildly from hypo--too sluggish--to hyper--too, well, hyper). Somewhere in the back of my mind I even realized I was attractive, no matter what Nick had said ("cross-eyed fat bitch" was a favorite epithet of his, if I recall correctly--and I do).

I found my talents gradually, and luckily that included acting and singing as well as my eventual chosen profession, writing, so I got a great deal of validation when I was onstage, and I became a lot more outgoing. But it was only with the wisdom of age that I realized I am a good person and worthy of respect. And that sustains me, even now, as I sport gray hair and 30 extra pounds, thanks to my thyroid going bonkers again. Most of the time I can look in the mirror and still see myself as attractive because of who I am, not what I look like.

But yeah, bullying can scar you for life--no question.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

23. sorry about nick and your thyroid. i wonder what parents teach their kids

that makes them think these things are ok so say

[MorningGlow]

26. Thanks--I just wish I had been diagnosed as a child

It would have helped me avoid a lot of grief. But on a cosmic level I think I needed to go through that to become who I am now. "Tempered in the fire" so to speak.

I can now look back and feel sorry for Nick. I get the impression that he was pushed around a lot by his father, so he needed to vent his frustration and do the same to someone else. Doesn't make it okay, but I can see the motivation. And I was the easiest person to pick on--no risk of retribution. If it had been an '80s teen movie, I would have exacted my revenge in a stunning display of public humiliation, most likely involving some sort of slime on his head. :rofl: But alas, this was real life, so he got of scot free--from me, at least. And that's okay. No karmic knot to untie for that.

[Deja Q]

27. Self-esteem and the ability to socialize are greatly diminished.

They say kids can be cruel. But at what point does "normal" behavior turn into something devastating and, indeed, crippling?

While people can recover to varying extents from previous harms, the scars do last. I was at the point where I would simply not go outside because I felt too intimidated by others, and they often felt intimidated by me. Or vice-versa.

I have, fortunately, improved since then, but even with all the improvements in my adult life, I keep to myself and only speak as little as possible. Even when wanting to start or carry a conversation, it is still a considerable barrier to breach. This includes idle chit-chat with store clerks, even though this form of conversation is easier given its predefined setting (say 'hi', they ring up the goods, I pay the bills, we say 'have a good day!')

Drugs are a requirement; for myself and millions of others. While many like to say "it makes drug companies rich", that mantra is (not entirely) deserved.

Another survival mechanism is to share one's story then get on with life. Not easy, and it can be easy to use it as a crutch. That's the worst thing anyone can do.

If one has a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), that does not help the individual either.

Roughly 20 years ago, I was so terrified to even go to the grocery store to help my parents out with the groceries (I was about 16 at the time and, since 1st grade, had been subjected to 2 molesters, a sexual assaulter, about a dozen bullies, framed for others' incidents I was totally innocent of, and even regular, unremarkable high school kids crossing my path and calling me "God's Little Joke"(tm)). But I digress. Dad never understood why I was so afraid to and, literally, yelled "PISS ON YOU!". ((He was never an abusive father, but to this day he (and mom) does not know of several incidents that rendered me as I am... And despite that, he and mom always fought the brainless school district as well over asinine policies and the various bullies and other situations that they did know about, mostly through direct observation... but I digress again...)) I proceeded to go to the store, but it was an utter nightmare to endure. Even a glance by someone else was taken as outright derogatory staring. They were going to poke fun, make a comment, perhaps even come after me. Indeed, let's pretend, here in 2008, I was in shape and a model for some posh model magazine. Anybody looking at me would result in my feeling very insecure. Perhaps that's why, until now, I've "let myself go". It didn't matter. ((Except it does matter and I've been hitting the exercise gear and will endure short-term aches and pains too. :) This is one of the few times any humility is fully deserved. It's not healthy and it's ugly; not that I looked good to begin with (a congenital condition; nobody's perfect...))

My first suicide attempt was at age 17, after a particularly successful fencing tournament. The second* was at age 22... The third was at age 34. I suppose the next one might be by age 51, who knows...

I think even my parents fathomed this bit out: I used to be a 'cutter' and I have the scars to prove it; not that it's something to be proud of, of course... the last 5 years have been relatively blade-free, though about 9 months ago I did have an urge...

People can heal, but never completely, and it takes time.

Thank you very much for posting the question.




* What happened a few hours before the attempt, ironically, spared me from carrying it out.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

28. thanks. very informative post. sorry kids are so terrible to each other

maybe i just grew up on another planet

[Crazy Dave]

29. I was the typical "weakling"

All throughout my school years I was always 5 - 10 pounds smaller than the rest of my male classmates. It got me picked on a lot and made me a pretty easy target but what I feel bad about the most and still think about to this day was harassing and calling the overweight kids names with the rest of the kids. Back then it felt good to get the attention off me and it made me fit in better, for a moment to pick on another easy and acceptable victim.

Now I wish I could take it all back and apologize to all the poor kids who suffered even more because, and for lack of a better excuse, my insensitivity and immaturity at that time.

[MsKandice01]

30. Yes, I was somewhat bullied...

I'm 6'1" and have been this height since I was 13 so I got a lot of grief about my height growing up. I was 5'10" before I got out of elementary school so you can imagine how tall I was compared to the other kids. I also got teased for being a "nerd" in school because I was kinda socially awkward and got pretty good grades. My self-esteem still suffers from that. It's very hard for me to take compliments without wondering about the sincerity behind them. I also have problems with my posture and constantly have to remind myself to stand up straight because, for years, I would slouch trying to somehow make myself shorter than what I was. I have back problems now because of the poor posture I had for all those years. I also used to constantly find myself trying to "dumb myself down" when talking to people because I didn't want people to know how smart I am.

I'm 32 and I've just learned over the last couple of years to appreciate my height and my intelligence as being positive things and not something that should be hidden from others. I still don't have many friends though and I suspect I'll always be somewhat social misfit but honestly, I'm much more comfortable when I can kinda keep people at a distance so my lack of friends doesn't really bother me much. My husband and my son keep me entertained enough.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

31. I was never physically bullied, but I got a LOT of verbal abuse and exclusion

It had the following effects:

1. I never had any chance of being accepted by the in-crowd, so I decided not to base my life on what anybody else thought. If everyone thought I was weird, well, I was not going to be afraid of being weird. I never felt compelled to follow social trends, so I was rather straitlaced during the hippie years and more Bohemian during the Reagan years.

2. However, those six years of torment made me shy about initial encounters with people, unless they're really friendly and accepting. I still have problems with suburban yuppie types, since I was verbally bullied by a bunch of Heathers.

3. Yes, it has made me sympathetic to underdogs, especially those who suffer for being different. (I was a bookworm in a determinedly superficial and sports-oriented outer suburb). I think that's something that allows me to be a straight ally of the GLBT movement: I know what it feels like to be harassed for something that's part of your nature.

4. Like Rabrrrrrr, I've had the pleasure of knowing that the people who bullied me have done nothing interesting with their lives. High school was the high point for them.

[KitchenWitch]

32. I was bullied in Junior High and High School

Of course I was not dripping with self esteem to begin with, so the bullying just added to an already less than optimal situation.

The thing is, one of the bullies used to see me in the hallway and smack my head into a locker every time he saw me. The teachers did NOTHING about it.

I always try to sit with my back against a wall whenever possible and I hate people walking too closely behind me.

[Writer]

34. I cannot remember how many times teachers would tell a student that...

"there is nothing you can do about it," referring to bullying.

The truth is, teaching respect for one another IS a principle that educators need to instill deeply into their students.

[Writer]

33. Hrmmm...

Bullying. I've actually encountered more bullying behavior at work than I have at school. I actually have come to the point where I don't believe I fit in in a standard workplace, so I'm headed over to academia/research. I'm very social with others, but I don't make friends very easily (I hope that makes sense). I think in my case the result of bullying in the workplace is that I don't trust others. Especially other women, and I have my theories about why that's the case.

I observe bullying more than I endure it, I believe. I do stand up for myself when I think it's worth the effort. Otherwise, I let assholes be assholes.

[texas1928]

35. I was bullied, but then they took it to far, and

Texas1928 turned into not so nice of a guy and there were a few asses getting kicked.

[fizzgig]

36. i was harrassed in high school to the point that i could have pressed charges

the only long-standing effect, other than an absolute loathing of the high school administrators who watched and did nothing (i still hate them, stupid, i know), is that i will call people on their bullying behavior.

[IronLionZion]

37. Sure, I certainly have problems with social situations and relationships

I don't have many friends, and certainly not any close ones, and this is entirely due to being very sensitive to jokes/teasing and distrustful of other people. I'll admit that I'm insecure in social situations and have social anxiety. I once refused to go to a party with my girlfriend's friends because I just chickened out. She was pissed.

But I'll tell you that having a girlfriend has helped me tremendously (I'm 25 and this is my first relationship). She has been supportive and it does help a lot with my confidence and social skills. She's the only one I have ever felt close to and trusted with secrets and other things. It also helped when I left home after college and lived independently far away. It was a pleasant surprise to make new friends who respected me and it made me feel better.

Now, the reason I got bullied at school was because I was bullied at home. I have very abusive parents and my siblings disrespect me. I'm the unwanted step-child. So they taught me to feel insecure and that I deserved it, and kids at school would go after anyone who was insecure. The way my own family treats me has a much more powerful effect on me than the bullies at school ever did. They pretty much set me in the role that I should expect to be treated badly and that I deserve it. They would humiliate me and tell me that I'm a worthless piece of shit right before we go somewhere or have people come to visit. Then I don't feel like talking to anyone and just feel bad. I'm living at home for the summer now before I start grad school and it's pretty damn shitty right now.


So, as others have stated it is to do with confidence and self-respect. My girlfriend helped me realize that people picked on my because THEY felt insecure. She helped me deconstruct the things clearly so I would see what was behind it. The college roommate who kept calling me "faggot" later came out of the closet. The ones who laughed at me for having a unibrow, were the ones who had to shave/pluck their own unibrows and I called them on it and they admitted it. The ones who said my school projects were stupid, were jealous because I got better grades on it. The ones who laughed at my athletic ability were never very good themselves. The good athletes didn't say anything.

I realized that the confident successful kids never bullied me. It was only the insecure ones who had the need to make someone else feel bad.

[JoDog]

38. Yes, I do

Years of being bullied and made fun of did have an effect on me. I struggle with issues of self esteem and self worth. I have difficulty thinking of myself as anything close to attractive, smart or having any redeeming qualities as a person.

I am extremely sensitive to other people being made fun of and put down. Someone else mentioned a "lifelong love of the underdog" and I agree with that.

I am trying to overcome it slowly. I've worked with a therapist in the past, and I have some excellent friends bound and determined to make me feel better about myself when I get down.

[One_Life_To_Give]

39. A bit paranoid

While I developed an armor that absorbes just about any barb or critisism. I have a sense of paranoia about people and their motives at almost all times.

[BreweryYardRat]

40. Let's see...

I don't like to be touched by anyone who's not a close, close friend. Initiating touch myself is all right, but I get very uncomfortable if someone I don't know well touches me (I can do handshakes, but that's about it.) And that's if they touch me and I can see it coming. If anyone touches me from outside my field of vision (behind or to one side), there's a risk that I'll reflexively put that person into a crude wrist lock. I'm not talking tough here -- it's happened a couple of times. I'm not proud of it.

I have trouble telling if someone's actually being friendly when they talk to me. When I was in school, someone being friendly to me usually meant they were trying to set me up for humiliation.

On the other hand, getting bullied has made me resolved not to take shit from anyone. Ever. (Mind you, that doesn't mean I think I'm perfect. I make mistakes just like everyone else. It just means I refuse to be verbally abused by people.)

Edit: Why do I get the feeling we're providing data for a paper or something? ;)

[La Lioness Priyanka]

41. not data for a paper, i am just trying to extend my understanding

of someone.

:hi:

[IronLionZion]

46. I experienced that too

I'm extremely ticklish, even when my girlfriend touches me. It's probably a trust issue as I slowly got less ticklish with her over time, but it took a long time. I still get very uncomfortable when anyone else touches me or gets too close.

[johnnie]

42. Never really bullied

Here and there people would say shit about me being short or whatever, but that stopped bothering me about 10 minutes into my first day of school.

I stepped in more than once to others getting bullied. I have always been for the underdog.

I guess things that happened to me as a child played some role in how I am now, but I never think back to the "old days" and find out why I am what I am. I hold the belief that once you are an adult, you have the ability to think on your own and make your life what you want it.

[dropkickpa]

43. I was bullied in middle school

Physically and verbally, due in part to having just moved to Pittburgh (had a TX accent), being WAY ahead of everyone I went to school with (big nerd and not embarassed of it), being one of the smallest people in the school, and being the first kid they'd ever seen up close who was a punk. I let it go on for 2 years because I was always told by my parents that school was the most important thing and fighting back would get me suspended, which was terrifying for some reason. But, I finally said fuck it and fought back (I grew up with 5 brothers, and we are a very rough crew). Standing up for myself (and others) in some pretty vicious fights earned me the reputation of "Don't fuck with her!", so there was no bullying in HS and most of my friends were pretty much left alone because I'd threatened to kick ass if someone tried shit with them. I actually got along very well with just about everyone in high school, from gang-bangers to nerds and just about everyone in between.

The long term effects are that I am a rabid defender of someone getting bullied when I see it, even now with kids Dropkid's age I do NOT hesitate to step in and put a stop to their crap (one thing that *really* got my goat was that no grown-ups ever stepped in when it happened to me, they'd just kind of stand back and watch).

I also HATE to be touched and HATE when people invade my personal space, arms reach is more than close enough thankyouverymuch. I do not open up easily to people, it takes a *long* time for me to trust someone. I am also a pretty damn good judge of character after being fooled a couple of times back then.

I got over the horrible self-esteem I had after a couple years, but the other effects don't bug me, so I see no reason to change them. I was never a touchy feely person, and my distrust of people has allowed me to peg several people in my and in friends lives as the shitbags they are/were pretty quickly. And I also learned to be happy and content just being myself and by myself, a skill that many people I know completely lack, leading to all sorts of disatrous relationships, both friend- and fuck-wise.

[yellowdogintexas]

44. made fun of unmercifully because I had a pretty bad overbite. The main

effect of this is that I fly into a rage when someone makes fun of another person for physical attributes they can't control, such as weight, bad teeth, crossed eyes, scars, acne,

my ex husband and his college room mate went on a tear once about one of my friends who had an overbite, making some really awful jokes about it...I went totally ballistic on both of them. We weren't married at the time, really hadn't been together THAT long at the time but it did infuriate me. I am not known for flying off the handle at all ..I don't think either of them ever knew what hit them.

and in hindsight, I shouldn't have married the guy.

by the way SHE is still my friend. We have been friends since we were 6

[Zuiderelle]

45. Yes, there are definitely long term effects.

I'm sensitive to people laughing at me, and I'm sensitive to being told that I'm responsible for something I did not do (e.g. being told that I'm lying about something or saying I did something I didn't do). I don't know if those are typical effects, or just particular to my situation.

What I did to overcome these effects is a bit of therapy and a hell of a lot of introspection. Mainly, a lot of living, and having found people who love me and who I love has healed a LOT of it. But the effects never go away completely.

I think, and hope, that parental love can help guide children through this situation so that there aren't longterm effects. I didn't have that safety-net myself, but I very much intend to provide it for my child if he experiences bullying.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

61. yeah the person i am thinking about had a bully as a mother as well

and frankly a nice but cowardly father

[Critters2]

47. I was bullied some. My brother, who has Asper ger, was bullied horribly.

I'm sure that being bullied contributes to my depression and low self-esteem. I also think it influenced my career choice and my interest in social ethics. And my interest in the connections between theology and violence are a result of my having been bullied, I'm sure.

Seeing my brother go through hell in school has made me a strong advocate for the oppressed. Also left me with a lot of guilt for not trying to do more to stop it.

[Book Lover]

48. Yeah

I don't trust what people say.

I don't trust claimed aultruistic motives; in fact, I only see people making themselves feel better ("Oh, look, I talked to the girl everyone scorns. How great am I?")

I hate people who have more wealth than I do.

I hate people who have more power than I do.

[Joey Liberal]

49. I grew bigger and learned Karate

I would urge any parent of a child that is being bullied to get the kid into karate, judo or Ju Jitsu classes. The bullying will soon end:).....

[skygazer]

50. I have a large chip on my shoulder

That has only begun to shrink in maybe the last 5 or 6 years.

I wasn't physically bullied but I was verbally. I was an odd duck, smart, unpopular and socially awkward. I was the "new kid" always because my dad's job necessitated moving around and I wasn't a social extrovert. I was the youngest of six and my older siblings also tormented me.

I was (and remain) a loner. I don't trust easily. I have few close friends - those I do have, I am fiercely loyal to. My oldest friend I've known since I was 8 and was my only real friend through grade school. Since she was popular, I was grudgingly accepted in the "in" group and that feels very odd - you're grateful for it but somewhat resentful at the same time. And you tread lightly.

I've grown to love myself, as myself. I've grown to appreciate my strength, my compassion (which I have a lot of - I am the one who reaches out to the person on the edges) and my insights. I have a level of independence higher than that of the average person and I hold it jealously. I don't like to need others.

Thank you for exploring this - it is a difficult position to live. I'm 47 and still feel the effects.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

62. thank for your input sky.

as always well thought out and elegantly expressed :hug:

[lizerdbits]

51. I was made fun of a lot

Chunky, thick glasses, dorky. It was more annoying than depressing. There was a girl on my bus who routinely accused me of 'trying to steal her boyfriend' for some reason. I guess since I was quiet I was an easy target for her shitty self esteem and desire for attention. Once a counselor said to me "Don't care about what anyone thinks of you unless they can influence your life in a positive way." After that I laughed at them on the inside. If you laugh on the outside they threaten to beat you up and I just wanted the popular kids to leave me alone. (No offense, not all popular kids were like that. :) )

I think that was great advice and serves well to this day. If little things like size and appearance are that important they really aren't worth your time. Bully victims take heed!

[Initech]

52. Oh man... I could go on for hours on this subject.

I was bullied... by a total jackass. I swear this guy was following me around for the sole purpose of harassing me. It got to the point where I wanted to file a restraining order but just couldn't. People I thought were friends stabbed me in the back because they were defending this worthless piece of shit. The school did jack shit about it and hell even the parents were encouraging this kind of behavior. I guess if it taught me anything is that you shouldn't take shit from anybody and that you need to defend yourself.

[Cabcere]

53. From about third grade until early high school, I was bullied

not in the physical sense, but verbally/emotionally bullied every single day by a group of girls who rode my bus. To this day, I have extreme difficulty seeing myself as a person of value, instead of a worthless, fat, ugly, nerdy loser. (And no, I don't think it was entirely just because of them - there were other factors at work of course, but the net effect remains the same.) :shrug: Hope this helps. :hi:

[BlueDissenter]

54. I was verbally........

bullied in middle and high school. I was very shy and the bullying made me feel horrible. My parents and school administrators didn't do a thing when I told them about it, and this during the late 90's and early 2000's.

I don't trust people and have no problem lying if I think it will protect me. I have no close friends because somehow they would pick up on the verbal abuse and use it. I sometimes mentally berate myself if I feel that I'm not doing something the right way.

The only thing that made me feel good was when I was helping in the special education classroom as a TA. It helped my self-esteem and depression. I've tried counseling on and off but because of my problems with trust I just couldn't stick with it.

I think because of bullying I've got a soft spot for the underdogs.

[Taverner]

55. My first instinct in life is to run

I was seriously bullied from Kindergarten to College.

Ask me anything!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

56. I wasn't exactly bullied, but was teased and picked on

for being nerdy, shy, awkward and two years younger than the other kids. It didn't help that I wore really ugly glasses, either. The immediate result was that I became even more shy and nerdy; the long-term result was great sympathy for the weird, the misfit, the underdog.

And I, too, am an example of The Revenge of the Nerds. I'm not rich, but I've had a good professional career (in two different professions) and I totally got over being shy. The very best thing was my 20th high school reunion, at which the kids who back then wouldn't give me the time of day except to tell me what a loser I was had clearly peaked at age 18: the former beauty queen was chubby and inappropriately dressed; the "fast" girl all the boys wanted to make out with looked like an old madame; and the football hero was fat and bald and looked like he sold aluminum siding door-to-door. And I had a law degree and looked pretty damn good. Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold.

[SPKrazy]

57. Yes I do

Mine primarily took place on a bus ride of 13 miles every day in the state of Utah. I always was at the last stop. There was never anyone who would let me sit down (7th grade) so I'd either sit on a musical instrument case, or I'd get pushed around and someone would have to let me sit. Then I would get popped in the back of the head, made fun of because I wasn't Mormon, or because I had red hair, or because of whatever. This went on for a year.

At the same time I was in a scout troop that had a scoutmaster who thought scouts were just an audience for his sexual fantasies and to masturbate in front of. No one said anything because it was a non Mormon troop and we did some fun stuff. So I had this abusive scoutmaster who also did fondle some of the kids, paired up with the bullying and harassment on the bus going to school.

Combine that with a general sense of loneliness since my family had moved out in the country to this place where I had to ride this gawd awful bus ride and it has had a lasting effect on me.

1) I have a hard time with people behind me, feel a sense that they are getting ready to smack me or make fun of me, realize that is insane and can talk myself through it usually.

2) Have a really difficult time in crowds because I feel like I'm somehow going to be humiliated or something along those lines. Get panicky.

3) I am obviously preoccupied with sex and things sexual which became an escape from the feelings of shame and humiliation in the above scenarios.

4) I have a hard time talking to people sometimes, especially in large crowds. It has gotten better.

As far as what I have done to get better...

1) Hours and hours of therapy over the years
2) Medications to help with anxiety and depression
3) 12 step programs to deal with the drinking and drug use problems I developed later to cope with the anxiety and depression
4) Support group to help people who have been in sexualized or abusive situations that have caused negative consequences for them.


Score card: I'm 50% better at least, more in some areas. I still get a little crowd phobic at times, but not so much. I can sit with people behind me most of the time. I have gotten better at talking to people in new situations although it is still something I have to kick myself to make myself do. Overall I am much calmer. Maybe 50% is low, let's change it to 65%.

There is still stuff to do and I know what to do. I am at a crossroads in my life right now and a lot is hanging in the balance. I imagine that my chosen field of a career, as a clinical social worker, stems from this, and the issues at home with my mother and her anxiety/depression problems that my family was very codependent around. Breaking the chains. (I hate the term codependent) Moving on with life... it has not been a quick or easy thing for me. Some people would have different reactions, but life isn't about comparing really, we're all individuals.

Thanks

edit: I was also teased some earlier but it never came close to the bus ride situation. I was probably nearly suicidal, but didn't know that was an option? :shrug: I'm glad I didn't.

Oh and writing about this has been something that made me nervous writing about it so I realize that there are some things in here that are not resolved at all. Some retraumatizing (not your fault, but a risk when someone recapitulates trauma, I chose to write here and had my reasons, I guess to share)

[moriah]

58. I was pretty darn bullied.

I have a strong personality. I always have. I was also only around older people, mostly adults, and had three adult caregivers in the home. I was bright, and I was never encouraged to speak baby talk. My grandmother taught school for a few years so she was teaching me how to read and do some basic math by the time I entered kindergarten. Didn't have any problems with my peers in kindergarten, only older kids in the afterschool program. I think it was because I had no qualms about talking to adults when other kids bored me.

In first grade I had to start riding the bus, and got beat up at the bus stop for the first time that year by a girl a year older than me. Mom couldn't afford to take me to the doctor so the cut from her ring never got stitches -- I still have the scar. My sister tried to teach me to fight -- said "Okay, hit me" while we were sitting on our front porch, which was concrete. I barely tapped her. "No, you've got to follow through!" I did, and she fell backwards and hit her head really hard on the concrete. I didn't really want to learn much self defense after that, and she wasn't quite as hip on teaching me. Instead she hung out at the bus stop with one of her older friends, hiding behind some bushes, and when the girl hit me the next day, they jumped out of the bushes and scared the daylights out of the girl.

A few times I got beat up on the playground in first and second grade, but most of the time it was only a light scuffle and was broken up quickly by school personnel. Lots of verbal bullying, which I hated almost worse than getting beaten. When an opening came up at the magnet elementary nearby, where I wouldn't have to take the bus, Mom got me transferred there thinking things would be better. I was transferred halfway through third grade.

They weren't, it was worse, especially since even though it was supposed to be a "magnet" school, I was a year ahead of my class in reading and math, and they had no way to accommodate it. (At the old school, I was just sent to the next grade up's class for a few hours along with the five or six others who were also ahead). So I didn't take reading class at all for a year -- at least not with other kids. I was given stories to read and answer questions out of -- I guess it was good prep for essay and writing. For math it was similar enrichment material.

However, at that school either the playground aides were not paid enough or just didn't care, unlike the previous school. They didn't keep a watchful eye, and when I went to them to report what a person had just done, or ask to go to the nurses office because I was bleeding from getting hit, pushed, or shoved, they told me not to tattle, and several times punished ME for telling them what happened.

Perhaps that isolation and immediate difference was what the kids there picked up on, or perhaps it was just that the kids there knew they wouldn't be disciplined, but the physical tormenting got much worse. I had my glasses broken four times in a year and a half, two concussions, and the kicker, a shattered arm, in a year and a half. The girl broke my arm during the last month of school by shoving me into playground equipment -- I put my arms out to try to catch myself and my arm hit a metal bar hard at just the right angle to shatter the left ulna.

Adrenaline and endorphin is a pretty interesting combo. I knew I had seriously injured myself, but wasn't in pain yet and was surprisingly calm. I'd never broken a bone before, but I knew something was very wrong. I also knew that telling the playground aide that the girl pushed me into playground equipment would solve nothing. I said "May I go to the nurses office? I've hurt my arm." My arm probably looked fine, but it certainly didn't feel fine. She said "No, and stop making trouble." That made me angry, but I was still calm. I said "I'm going anyway," turned around, and walked off toward the nurse's office. She yelled after me, I didn't stop walking. Two sixth graders, who were Boy Scouts, saw me walking and had heard the commotion, and came up to me. Apparently my face was pretty pale, they recognized the calm combined with shakiness as a bad thing, and insisted on carrying me to the nurse's office.

Nurse didn't believe it was broken but splinted it anyway, and my mother wasn't all that pleased about having to leave work, and showed it. The doctor could tell I was in pain but was very surprised when he got the x-ray back -- an inch of my ulna just seemed to have disappeared. School was notified, refused to pay the doctor's bill, and the girl was never disciplined "because if we discipline her, we have to discipline your daughter as well for disobeying a playground aide."

We moved and I started in a new school, there was emotional bullying but the kids there didn't hit. We moved again, and again the physical tormenting started. Finally one day I refused to go to school. I was sick, I knew I would be miserable there, and again at that school the aides did not control the playground well. Mom got mad and switched me for the first time -- she'd never used physical discipline, didn't need to. She also didn't know what my grandmother, who had been the disciplinarian knew. I had very sensitive skin, Mom used the switch a bit too hard, and when she was done I had huge swelling welts -- peachtree switches scratch and I had a condition common in redheads called dermatographia -- scratched skin welts up like an allergy attack. I also had a bit of bruising. She couldn't send me to school like that. She started looking into alternative arrangements, and found a private school for gifted kids that allowed individualized instruction.

I went there for two years and was very happy there, until my grandfather passed away and we moved back in with my grandmother. The last year of elementary school in yet another new school saw a very different response from me to threats of physical bullying. "You really want to hit me? Go ahead." When a girl did, I didn't respond back, I just said "Is that the best you can do?" She did again, with less force. "Do you feel better now?" About then a playground aide walked up, the kids all admitted that she'd threatened me, hit me, and I didn't hit back. She got suspended for a week, and fortunately I didn't. And that was the end of that.

New school for junior high -- and it was apparently the worst in the city. One particular teacher couldn't control her classroom and the bullying migrated from the recess areas to the classroom. That was the final straw for Mom, and she complained to the principal, who pulled out his Bible, said that I should pray for God to give me the strength to put up with it. She pulled me out of school and homeschooled me, then when I did re-enter the public school system I ended up being friends with a very nice guy who was big and had an unusual behavior issue. He'd been abused as a kid, he'd seen his older and younger sisters being abused, and had seen his mother beaten. He didn't tolerate people picking on his friends, and had been known to get quite violent, to the point of throwing a desk in class. I saw him beat the crap out of a guy who he saw slap a female. Being his friend stopped most of the bullying.

----------

Long term effects include still being pissed off to this day at some of those people, very good recall of what happened to me, and a dislike of wearing glasses. I was hit once by a male in the early stages of a relationship, dude was also very possessive. I dumped him immediately, he did stalk me for several years. Self-defense is very important to me -- I have learned Aikido and that was what enabled me to be able to dump the dude who hit me immediately without getting beat up.

I am sensitive to hearing people talk badly about others behind their backs, and generally ask when they do it around me, "Have you told them how you feel?" I also say something to the point of "Well, if you ever are this upset about me, tell me to my face rather than talk about it behind my back, okay?"

The Aikido helped me be more confident in my ability to defend myself. I still want to learn how to handle a personal firearm, but I don't know if I actually need one, and would be very uncomfortable having one in the home unless all the adults in the house knew how to use it, and any kids I have around know that there is a gun, that it can kill people, that it is NOT a toy, and that if they even think about trying to mess with it that their arses will be severely kicked.

I also have embraced my individuality, found people who actually do like me, and I don't tolerate falseness from friends. I may not have many friends, but they are all true friends.

[GOPisEvil]

59. I would say that the bullying made me more introverted and less social through high school.

It got slightly better in college. Even today, I'm uncomfortable going places where I will know no one. I prefer to stay by myself or in small groups of people I know. What's strange is that if there is one person I know in a room full of strangers, I'm fine.

I think time and more success in social settings over the years has helped me deal with things.

Edit - honestly, I think the longest lasting effect has been my near inability to see myself as anything other than the fat kid, even after I lost a lot of weight. I tend to avoid attracting attention, and I also have sabotaged myself in certain areas. I guess I have feelings of non-worthiness at times. I've gotten better. Promise. :)

[ThomCat]

60. I was bullied. My brother was one of the worst of the school bullies

And some of his friends were bullies too. so I couldn't escape even after school. x(

To this day, I evaluate whether or not I think people are bullies in the ways they deal with people. Nothing will make me more likely to dislike someone immediately and intensely than any sign that someone is a bully.

It's because of having been bullied that I had my early empathy for people who deal with racism, sexism and other isms. I saw a connection.

[Connonym]

63. yes

I developed an eating disorder and social phobia. Therapy and Prozac with the occasional anti anxiety medication help although I don't think I'll ever be able to have a positive body image.

[MikeH]

64. I was one of those harassed in school

I am reconstructing my story from a post I made on the old DU in August 2002:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/cgi-bin/duforum/duboard.cgi?az=show_thread&om=348&forum=DCForumID59&archive=yes#60

I was teased and tormented a lot throughout grade school, junior high, and high school in Illinois. And in addition I had a very difficult and judgmental father, who sometimes did some very good things, but who often times was very insensitive to things I was struggling with, and sometimes bordered on being abusive, especially emotionally and psychologically. Actually my father seemed to regard me and his other children as being like possessions, and was upset about my being tormented by the mean kids at school, but he did not ever want to admit that anything he said or did might be causing me problems.

There were three major factors which led me to be tormented by my peers at school:

1. As a kid I was always socially immature, slow to learn about dealing with people. I said and did some things which brought it on, and I had a very thin skin. I did not ignore simple teasing until late junior high or early high school, and by then it was too late. Some people were very cruel, but I also feel a little ashamed thinking about how little it took to get me mad or upset, and some of the dumb things I got upset about.

One of my biggest mistakes was in 6th grade, when I told the teacher on a bunch of boys who were not really so much tormenting me personally (at the time) as doing normal kidding (which I took seriously).

2. I was a math brain; I was especially good at arithmetic (in grade school) and later in math and physical sciences. (Though not good, in early grades, in classes like social studies or literature; however I did better at these in high school.)

And I have to admit that I was sometimes a little conceited.

3. I was not at all athletic, good at sports, or strong. And I was not at all interested in sports. I couldn't run fast. I felt very frustrated at not being able to get back at some of the guys.

And it was humiliating when I became tall, and was still not good at athletics or strong. Naturally, some smaller guys had fun picking on me, a tall guy.

Gym class was hell for me. I particularly hated team sports. (Incidentally, I really HATED it when people would ask me if I played basketball.)

One thing I noticed was that as I and my school mates went through the grades, most of them matured, but there was a hard core of those who would still give me a hard time.

One of the major consequences was that in high school I was not able to enjoy normal social contact with people my age, even with those who did not tease me.

I would say that by far the most significant long term effect with having been harassed in school was that I completely missed out on having any serious relationship with a girl or woman when I was young, and still at age 57 have not had any serious relationship (for various other reasons, including some of my own choices; even though I am disappointed that it has not happened yet for me). (I am a heterosexual male.)

There was a girl in the class year ahead of me who seemed to have a definite crush on me. She was in one of my math classes. However because of my lack of self-esteem I did not ever approach this girl or make any advances to her. When she graduated from high school that was the last I would see of her as a young man.

I was haunted by the memory of this girl throughout the rest of my youth and young adulthood.

College was much better for me, but I still had some emotional scars. I started running when I was in college, and participated some on the track and cross country teams. I was never good enough to compete, but I have been keeping in shape by running ever since college.

After two years in college in Illinois I moved with my parents to San Diego, California, and transferred to San Diego State University. This was a mixed blessing for me. I was able to become friends with some new people in a new place. However I had much unfinished business from high school and college which I would now not be able to finish for a while. In particular I would be haunted by the memory of the girl who liked me in high school.

I would say that by far the biggest thing that helped me to heal the old hurts was to go back to my high school reunions in Illinois, starting with my 20 year reunion, and then my 25 and 30 year reunions. I was able to enjoy the company of my classmates in a way I was not able to when I was in school. I did not have any problems with my former tormentors; some of them were quite friendly, and had obviously matured, and I was able to be friendly with them. I did not feel a need to confront any of them. I imagine they felt ashamed of what they did, and I can think of some things that I myself am ashamed of.

The most important thing I did was when I went back to my 20 year reunion, I visited the girl in the class year ahead of me who had the crush on me. I was able to have some of my classmates track her down, and she lived close to the town where we went to high school. It did turn out the girl was married. I got in touch with her shortly before my 20 year reunion, and she was agreeable to my coming to visit her. I had a very pleasant evening with the woman and her husband; her husband was very friendly. No sparks flew between me and the woman; she obviously loved her husband. The important thing was that I was able to achieve closure.

I have also been in therapy over the years to deal with my issues, including both individual and group therapy. I especially needed to deal with my issues with my father. He died shortly before my 35th birthday, and I came to realize how angry I still was at him about a year after he died. It has been a slow process dealing with my issues with my father. In fact part of the process of dealing with my issues with him has been to post here on DU and elsewhere about some things I have come to feel strongly about in large part because of having had my issues with my father.

[Lady Freedom]

65. I still have a hard time going down steps.

Part of my bulling trauma was that I was pushed down 2 flights of steps on any given day. It was a miracle my neck was never broke!

[bridgit]

66. if you really want to know PM me, but i've experienced stuff that would curl most people's hair...

or straighten it as the case may be. *my* experiences are part of why it is i am able to foresee the brutish, crass, class-ist, cliquish ignorance here at DU for what it truly is...just that!

[Lil Missy]

67. How did this get kicked after all this time? But I'll bite now.

Your questions:

1) could you tell me if you have any long term effects from the bullying?

Yes, Very much so. I was molested at 7 years old by the father of a neighborhood friend and schoolmate. I didn't even know about sex then. I was just pretty angry and disgusted over the incident, and for being held down and held hostage for so long.

My family figured out what I was talking about, and brought legal action against him. I had absolutely NO idea what was going on, or why I had to repeat the entire embarrassing and humiliating incident to a private jury.

He was arrested, and went to jail. It was even in the papers. That is when the harassment really started. His wife came to my house to tear me a new asshole that her husband went to jail because of ME! I didn't even understand what the hell happened!

My grandpa was there at the time, and insisted I go to my room, and let him deal with her privately. Lots of screaming and shouting, that I will never forget. I didn't come out of my room for two days!!

Then, the final blow. My best friend at school and my neighborhood convinced all our peers that I could never be trusted or keep a secret, because her father went to jail over something I did.


2) are there things you are more sensitive about than others are?

Probably! LOL!

3) If you did anything to overcome these effects, could you tell me what they are?

Sure!

Grief counseling helped me a LOT!

Friends and family you can always count on.

Sorry, I don't think I can give you the answer you are looking for. It takes a lot of self inflection, that I am not sure I have right now.
:hug: