please comment on this hastily written poem

[AteAlien]

thank you. any positives or negatives are equally welcomed:

Am I a hidden, somewhat secret delight
like chocolate and mint mixed together
dark chocolate should never see the light?

weather the storms

call me from the restrooms you are visiting
let me know "love you"
not i do or who
love you
like a generic term
spoken by a man in a white coat while
saying it's cheaper
generically spoken while
hoping to be
taking a holiday
from thoughts

thank you for the chocolate and the mint
a conversation memory
we do mix together so well
like a holiday?

Weather the storms
that build all around us
think of whether the reasons
are enough not to
lovingly surround us

we are the storm
we are the reasons
for the holiday
we are enough to
lovingly surround each other

chocolate and mint together

[AteAlien]

1. kick because

there are flying bugs in my face

[khashka]

2. Honest opinion

The imagery is great. Word usage is good. But a bit clunky in places because you shift back and forth between metaphores. If I were you, I'd break it into two poems.

Just trying to help,
Khash.

[Neoma]

3. Ok, I'll write one right now!

...Writers block.

[boilerbabe]

4. I liked it a lot for some strange reason!

it is evocative in a way that can't be explained. Imagery is all. Shut up and just listen!

[AteAlien]

5. thanks for the thoughts and suggestions

thank you

[Haole Girl]

6. I really liked the beginning and end

Two thoughts: 1. I despise the word cheaper (but that is just a personal thing) and wouldn't use it in a poem; 2. Having weather & whether together was a little bit awkward, I thought.

Keep it up! You're good! :hi: